How to get rid of frenemy?

[DancingMagpiesOfDoom]

Used to work for this family. We were never supposed to be friends, she has stayed in touch. To my detriment I have kept in touch and didn't ignore her from the start.

Her DH is insufferable, really unpleasant and used to take his wife outside to shout at her because either the DCs or her were doing something that pissed him off.

They are his DCs too and their poor behaviour was just DCs being DCs.

Worse was when DH used to bawl the DCs out.

There is one very obvious favourite DC. They never got shouted at.

Her DH is also an expert on everything. I was admitted to hospital in an emergency. I sent DW a text to tell her I wouldn't be working that week. She's sending back messages which imply that he doesn't believe me because the Drs would have done certain things if I was that ill.

DH is not a Dr, he didn't even do science at degree level. He sells computers over the phone.

I've never seen or heard the DW shouting at him. Otherwise she too knows everything about everything.

We went abroad recently, she was messaging me to tell me that we would lose our luggage and why didn't we get a refund?

Luckily we had a lovely holiday with all of our luggage.

This week again she has been messaging me about something that we are doing. Again she knows better than we do about everything. Including our own minds.

How do I politely get rid of them? In particular her? He isn't messaging me.

Unfortunately 10 months ago I was in no fit state to have made any decisions. I was in ICU for 24 hours.
24 hours is not long it was the longer recovery afterwards that has been hardest for me.

No, I haven't been using grey rock for long. Nearly 7 weeks and she is still trying.

Now I know that I'm probably stupid but I hadn't realised that she's a narcissist. She is and so is her DH. I am useful to her which is why she isn't giving up easily.

FWIW since I started this thread I have been thinking about this: our household income is greater and our outgoings are smaller. They own a more expensive property but so what? She knows all of this. I think It's why, when we are buying or doing something, she speaks authoritatively about how shit it will be.

I'm going to have to tell her straight.
I'm not even sure that will stop her.

‘Dear x, I need to be clear that we have drifted apart and I no longer wish to be in contact. I wish you all the best for the future but please don’t contact me and do not come to the house. If you ignore my wishes I will consider it harassment.’

Or

"Oh DO just fuck off you tediously overbearing narcissist"

That ought to do it 🤔

I think this is a psychological reaction to her powerlessness.

It might be worth raising it with her. The last thing she should be doing is scaring away good people.

I am a single parent but a decade ago I had a friend who lived with her parents, in her late 30s/early 40s and never got to make one small decision but oh boy she gave so much advice. There was a connection I know. She moved out and it stopped.

Ps and ..... even if raising this causes a bad feeling and you aren't in contact with her anymore, I think your perspective will serve her better than being abandoned. She's in an abusive relationship and it's not your job to fix it but I think being ghosted by a female friend could just exacerbate her worthlessness. she has children. For that reason I wouldn't ghost her. Arm her with the knowledge of what's actually played out here.

Just reply “is this like the time you said we would definitely lose our luggage and didn’t? DH and I had a bet one when you would next give us one of your expert opinions”

Oh just noticed that you have more income in a smaller house and she runs down anything you buy.

This is classic ''levelling'' behaviour. She can only be friends with you if you're beneath her in the hierarchy that exists in her head. So she has to convince herself that a holiday is worthless.

But she's not fully convinced because she needs to try and convince you too.

That does sound tedious.

In your shoes I'd tell her calmly without exaggeration what behaviours you find incompatible with a supportive friendship.

She will be so outraged it will no doubt kill the friendship but when the dust settles on her outrage she will have some information that might help her.

If grey rock isn't working then you need to muster the energy to actually fall out with her. When she texts you these things , stand up to her. Tell her inappropriate it is to say these things to you. She is no longer your employer, so why all the pussy footing around. Tell it to her straight. If she comes to the door then tell her to go away

When you grey rock I would reply with

"Not interested in your opinion, I'm your former employee not a friend"

That's a fuck of statement without saying it.

If she carries on "you are not to come to my home, you are not welcome"

Can you contact the school and report how emotionally abused the non- favourite DC are treated? They must be dreadfully unhappy to have contacted you.

You're not stupid, OP. I didn't know my ex friend was a narcissist until last year & I haven't had a relationship with her for over 15 years 🤷🏻‍♀️

Please don't bother trying to reason with or explain or rationalise anything to her. You cannot help her so don't bother trying. And don't ever tell her she's a narcissist because she won't listen and will turn it around and project the issue onto you. Narcissists NEVER listen to anyone else and they'll certainly never listen to or accept criticism. It will always be YOUR fault whatever you do. It's a personality disorder. Narcissists cannot be helped, in any way, at all. They wouldn't want to be, as they're perfect and it's all everyone else's fault including yours.

Just cut her off. Send that final text warning her not to come over and cut her out. Don't waste any more time. They'll always have some victim pity play sob story to suck your empathy back in. This is how they operate. They are NOT victims. They are aggressors. My ex friend used to cry and say her ex BF was evil and treated her like crap but the reality is that she was obsessed with him and refused to let him go for over a decade. She even forced me to stalk him once and we ended up on the bloody M6 motorway!!! Utterly delusional and terrifying behaviour. There's a very good reason why they don't have any real friends and it's not your problem and nothing you can change. Don't fall for the BS. Good luck 🙏🏼❤️

Oh and yes, like my ex friend she will never stop trying to get your friendship back. Just ignore, blank, never engage and call the police if she comes over. If you want more advice on this look up HG Tudor on YouTube. Excellent advice and tips straight from a diagnosed narcissist and psychopath.

You could always text that you really don't care what they think and you'd rather she stopped contacting you because you're not interested in maintaining a 'friendship'.

If it was me I'd add so you'll have to find someone else to look down on.

But I ran out of fucks years ago.

I’d reply to the latest advice and say you think it’s really rude of her and have had enough of it. Then block her. If she comes to the door just don’t answer. What if she knows you’re in?

If she turns up, be surprised and say, 'I'm really busy. I wasn't expecting you.'

Why all the handwringing? Pretending to be asleep? 😄tell her she is not to contact you again, or to come to your property. Not sure why you need this spelt out for you.

@Spohn I don't need it spelt out to me and I don't need you to be rude to me either.
I have tried to be polite to her.
Until I became ill 10 months ago I was still working for them, so any contact was for legitimate reasons.

When I was suddenly taken ill my DH did contact her. He had to as suddenly I was unable to work for them and they needed to find an alternative.

It would be reasonable to assume that she would, in return, ask how I am. It's not often that someone in early middle age is admitted to ICU.
As I was so ill my ability to process her messages was impaired, I was upset when her DH apparently became a consultant overnight and seemed to be assuming that I wasn't as ill as I said I was.

In the immediate weeks and months after my illness it seemed that she was being pleasant when enquiring after my wellbeing. As I was in hospital for a month and have been receiving intensive therapy since I left.

It is only since Christmas that I have really felt that she is trying to draw the relationship out and become friends, rather than a former employee. As her contact in the months after my illness did not and still do not seem unreasonable. If she were behaving like a normal person and being polite.

Since Christmas I have been trying to manage her expectations. I have intentionally left weeks between texting her back. Unfortunately that's when she visits without warning. For a while I was replying to ensure that she does not turn up again. It is now more than 7 weeks since I have sent a reply to her last text.

Far from being stupid I am bright and well qualified. My illness and the medication I am still taking does affect my ability to process and think critically. My mind doesn't work like hers. Even before my hospital admission I am not someone who usually thinks cynically.

For the benefit of everyone who has realised that I am not stupid: I sent her a firm and clear message on Friday evening after I posted here.

Following my message I have received 4 messages so far beginning with why have I said this? Through to we have always been so good to you .

I am not blocking her in case she decides to visit.

I was going to say, just don't answer the door. If your cars are on the drive & it's obvious you're home, that doesn't mean you're obliged to open the door & invite her in. I know it's difficult. It goes against the grain. It's not normal, it's not what other people do, you wouldn't want someone to do it to you. But if you can't get rid of her any other way...?

I've read your posts, OP, but not the whole thread. Has anyone asked if it's possible they/she might still think you'll go back to working for them? Have they replaced you?

@DancingMagpiesOfDoom

I don’t think you’re stupid in any way. This woman (and her husband) are going to keep you from completely gaining your full health until you cut them loose — agreed?
It seems as though you’re caught between a rock and a hard spot, so what what would be the easiest for you? To prolong this indefinitely or end it like ripping off a plaster?
Only you can decide, and I wish you good luck and I wish you good health.

OP, with all due respect, why aren't you going NO CONTACT? Clearly you have listened to my advice in some way as you know they are narcissists now, so why not block them?

They are narcissists as you have correctly identified. There is NO REASON for you to be in any communication with these people. The only way to handle this is to go NO CONTACT.

Until you do this and do it properly they will not get the message and neither will they go away.

The only one allowing them to control your life and your mind right now is you.

If you don't believe me, please look up HG Tudor on YouTube. He's posted countless videos on this including exactly what to do when the narcissist comes over to your house uninvited (nothing). I suspect you will be alarmed when you watch these videos and begin to learn exactly how dangerously manipulative these people are and realise what a doormat they have taken you for all these years, which is the same reaction I had. I suspect they are also part of the reason for your illness, and you may also realise that after watching some of these videos.

DO NOT doubt yourself or use your illness as a reason to start questioning your own judgement. They are relying on this and your empathy to continue their bullying of you.

On another note how do you know they are NOT using their children to guilt trip you into maintaining contact with them? You don't, and I'm willing to put money on this being the case. The chances are extremely high that all of their kids will grow up to be narcissists too. You cannot help any of them and neither should you.

Once again, block, delete, ignore, cut off and NO CONTACT. If she turns up you will see her at the door so your reason for not blocking makes no sense. Once you know, you GO. Get the hell out of there and don't look back ❤️

And change your email address please so their kids can't control/contact/flying monkey you any more.

Don't allow the trolls on here to bait you either. Think logically, not emotionally, and cut these bastards out. What advice would you give to your child if they were in the same position? To keep tolerating it despite there no longer being any logical reason for you to do so?

Oh and I'm not sure if I made this clear but after you cut the narcissist off, it's perfectly normal that they will step up their campaign to pull you back into their poisonous life. So her four text messages and whatever else she may do is to be expected. It's how you deal with everything from now on that matters.

Do watch the HG Tudor videos for proper advice on what else you can expect and how to deal with each situation. Good luck 🙏🏼

@DancingMagpiesOfDoom I just want to wish you well. Being so ill is a lot to deal with and taking on board having to set boundaries with people who don’t respect boundaries is hard enough when you are well, much harder when you are ill.

I don’t think it would be wrong to let your husband intervene considering that you are still recovering. Let him answer the door and tell them to leave you be.

They were your employers, they feel that they were good to you. This does not mean that you owe them a friendship.

Maybe send a text that while you appreciate that they were good employers and you feel that you were a good employee the relationship has come to an end and you wish them well.

Take care and I hope it all works out for you. Hope you get well soon.

Well done OP. What was the firm and clear message, in essence?

I had a friend like that. I tried grey rock, then blocked her on everything. She started asking mutual friends why I wasn't talking to her and when they wouldn't get involved she tried my family.
My sisters told her I had had enough of her passive aggressive ways and lying.
So she started writing me letters and telling my family that she was worried I was "going to do something silly because this is very out of character."

I ended up having to email and tell her I didn't like her, didn't like how she treated me, and didn't want to talk to her again.
She still tried making a new Instagram to talk to me but once I blocked that she left it! Some people you do really need to tell properly.

The only thing I can suggest after her response to Friday’s email is to say that

Your health is impacting adversely on your life (true) and that memories of your old life really upset you. This is why you are asking her to accept that you can no longer continue contact with a former employer because it is impacting your recovery. Please respect my decision and do not contact me again.