Ex just referred to his girlfriend as “mummy” to daughter he hasn’t seen for 3 years on video call. I need advice.

[Needadvice83]

I need some advice because I’m fuming right now and heart broken.

Really quick background. Daughter 6 just started supervised video contact with dad for about 6 weeks now, once a week. Not seen for 3 years. This is whilst we wait for proper contact Centre and supervised reported contact with proper staff. Court had asked me to supervise these calls in the meantime.
I’ve been in another relationship for 3 years and we have a baby on the way end of the year.

Today video call. He says don’t you forget you only have one daddy. Daughter says what about my other one. Referring to my partner who she knows is not her dad but he has been in her life for half of it with no contact with real dad. She calls him by his name with us. The one time she said dad I corrected and said no you only have one daddy.

My ex just rose to this and out of the blue says well you have 2 mummies now and a brother coming soon. He then put her on the phone. I asked for this to stop. These 30 min calls are about re establishing the bond between daughter and father. I can’t believe he just told daughter she has 2 mummies. A lady she has never met, never knew existed till now.

Seriously is this ok because I’m really not happy. Daughter has one mummy and then after she spends time with the lady and they build a relationship then a step mum also. To just say 2 mummies to a lady daughter has never met and a father she hasn’t seen in 3 years due to court stopping contact because of abuse. Just because she is having his baby which I suspect is him at his game again doesn’t make her mummy does it?

Daugher will not settle now as just found out one she has 2 mummies and 2 a brother on the way to a dad she not seen in 4 years… I’m also shocked as can tell.

He sounds like an idiot and you're lucky you're not with him anymore. Totally unreasonable of him, and I think he knows that. He seems adamant to tell your daughter that she only has one dad, so why then tell her she has 2 mums?

You need to speak to him and make it clear that it was not okay. He sounds manipulative.

She only becomes a step mother once she's married to the tool

This is so unfair of him OP and shows his immaturity. Your kid must be so confused. At that age they just believe everything the adults tell them.

Was the abuse to her previously?

It certainly sounds like he would be emotionally abusive to her. He clearly is very defensive and doesn't have any regard to HER feelings, just his.

Document what was said and send to the social worker explaining why you're unhappy and the impact on your daughter.

I wouldn't want that waste of space anywhere near my child

I second reporting it to the social worker. It's just a further demonstration of his manipulation and abuse. It shows very clearly that he only cares about his ego (one daddy) above his own child's wellbeing. FFS he has limited contact with her, and that's how he chose to spend it.

Honestly I'd be recording the calls with a screen recording app and tell him it's recording, but no more than that. Let him hang himself out to dry.

Documented* emotional manipulation or confusion/coercion won't go down well in a family court.

What an absolute twat he is!

Obviously he was hurt by the fact she called your DP her other dad and I get that but that’s no excuse to say what he did.

I don’t blame you for being raging but I don’t think I would even bother saying it to him again as he sounds like he enjoys the tit for tat games.

That’s the thing I don’t want to appear a hypocrite. Daughter always refers to my partner as his name usually says “my Steven” for example. She tried to explain something to him on the phone and said my other type of dad, referring to “Steven” and he comes out with that. She was only trying to get him to understand as I said they’ve had no contact so ex and partner never met. It must be hard for him to know another man has been in her life, I get that. But that relationship and that life is all our daughter has known for years. Ex didnt want contact stopped but the court wouldn’t re-start it till they were happy he understood what he did.

I understand he will have moved on my daughter has no idea of his current life. The contact we are waiting for will support daughter through this transition and give myself and ex a way of communicating so as to work out the best way for her to get that relationship back up and running. I wouldn’t have been so posed if he had said gradually daddy has a partner, girlfriend also and one day you will meet etc and leave it at that. But straight with the and you have 2 mummies and this one is having a baby your brother was ott.

I don’t want to call my caffcass worker and them to think I’m a hypocrite as I have a partner and 5 months pregnant also but then like I said our daughter has known this life and partner for years, they have gently formed a relationship naturally . I feel so awful for daughter, what a lot to process for her. She has gone from an only child and now has 2 mummies and 2 siblings in a matter of weeks. She is very confused.

Plus to say to 6 year old this lady has been supporting me through all of this as
its been so difficult not seeing you. She doesn’t need to know this. He is not the victim, his actions caused this. Just having a new family does not cover up who he was and I suspect who he still is. I’m sick of hearing on the phone about how hard it’s been for him when he left me so ill mentally and physically. I don’t want to do these calls but do them for our daughter. It feels like he is purposely creating a life where he is this martar fighting the evil ex. He will often say how everyone around him loves him etc. It is hard being the only one who knows what he is capable in a different life.

I'm sorry you & DD are going through this.

You have been asked to monitor these phone calls. You should tell them.

You sound open to your DD & Ex building a relationship, I don't think it's a good thing. He's biologically her Father, but he's no Dad, he doesn't care about her!!

id be blocking the twat from having anything too do with her as much as I could.

Stay calm
hes an ex for a reason
and has the emotional intelligence of a plank

when this happen it’s shocking and don’t react or comment when in the heat
your DD has two parents and one is shit
And one is you 🙂
and you are going to have to manage this for a while I’m afraid

expect the worse , plan For this shit
and try to stay calm

she’s got you and you have her back

what’s a total dick he is

@JuneJubilee im afraid it’s out of my hands. It’s been in family court for years and this is what they want.

She has woken up upset this morning about having 2 mummies. She is meant to be meeting him next week for the first face to face with support worker. She has now said will the other mummy be there as I’m scared. This is so sad. I don’t have the experience I can’t answer her questions as I’ve not had anything to do with him for years.

Bless her, poor little thing having that dickhead confusing her.

Do you have any access to some therapy for her so they can help guide her through this?

Or other posters might be able to suggest some charities that help deal with issues around re-establishing contact.

He sounds so selfish and mean, sorry OP

Speak it down A bit.

Daddy got confused what he meant was like you know i have Steven. And he is sort of a dad figure for you. Dad had this lady and one day when you get to know her she might become a step mum for you. You will always only have 1 mum. Me. And 1 dad dad.. but sometimes we chose to have people close in our lives and like Steve they can become a extra parent. Daddy got confused.

Do speak to her social worker (I assume she has one if thos has been to court) and see what can be done to support you all. Has x been on a parenting course? May be something to explore.

You need to talk to them. He is demonstrating that he can’t put her needs first, which is not a good sign that he has really matured. If your daughter is now upset and scared it’s reasonable to ask to go slower.

If your daughter is 6 why can't you explain the concept of daddy's girlfriend to her? You're enabling your ex to wind her up by reinforcing his words rather than explaining and helping her process.

You should report this to the social worker. Clearly and factually.

And I'd also be telling her school today too. The pastoral support could help her unravel this in her mind and understand that ex's new partner is step mum which is a totally different thing to a mummy.

Agree that you've been asked to monitor the calls so yes, you need to report back in a very factual way what was said and how it has affected her and that she's now worried and upset about meeting him in person.

Also agree with playing it down a bit and saying "he's very confused Darling, I'm your Mummy".

Tell school and the social worker. I would refuse to supervise any further video contact too.

How on earth is OP a hypocrite for being pregnant, when she slowly introduced her DP to her DD before moving in, becoming pregnant etc and has made a point to remind her that DP is not her dad and she only has one dad... compared to her ex speaking to her after no contact for years then telling her that a woman she has never met is her other mum and she has two mums now?!

@rattlemehearties we have gone over it this morning and she is now settled on the idea that she and this lady and her can be friends. I said that seems like a very good idea. He should know better then this really.

Well he should know better but he obviously doesn't. Bet you thank your lucky stars every day that you're not stuck with this abusive loser.

OP, please ignore this horrible reply. It is total nonsense.

Can you start recording the calls?

thanks @wellhelloitsme we have taken it very slow. It’s been years and we were just about to all move in together when I found out about the baby. We waited till a few weeks ago to tell her the news and she was very happy. She and my partner have a lovely little relationship but she knows he is “Steven”. I didn’t know the outcome of the court case. My relationship over the past few years has been absolutely beneficial to DD, she has been part of a loving, calm and non aggressive relationship which I believe has been great for her. I hope she will carry this forward to her own whatever she witnessed from her dads side. Hopefully he has changed and she will have 2 happy families and be a big part of them both. I just feel he is up to his own tricks really.

Doesn’t matter really what matters is she is now crying and scared of meeting him incase her other mummy she has never met will be there.