Ex just referred to his girlfriend as “mummy” to daughter he hasn’t seen for 3 years on video call. I need advice.

[Needadvice83]

I need some advice because I’m fuming right now and heart broken.

Really quick background. Daughter 6 just started supervised video contact with dad for about 6 weeks now, once a week. Not seen for 3 years. This is whilst we wait for proper contact Centre and supervised reported contact with proper staff. Court had asked me to supervise these calls in the meantime.
I’ve been in another relationship for 3 years and we have a baby on the way end of the year.

Today video call. He says don’t you forget you only have one daddy. Daughter says what about my other one. Referring to my partner who she knows is not her dad but he has been in her life for half of it with no contact with real dad. She calls him by his name with us. The one time she said dad I corrected and said no you only have one daddy.

My ex just rose to this and out of the blue says well you have 2 mummies now and a brother coming soon. He then put her on the phone. I asked for this to stop. These 30 min calls are about re establishing the bond between daughter and father. I can’t believe he just told daughter she has 2 mummies. A lady she has never met, never knew existed till now.

Seriously is this ok because I’m really not happy. Daughter has one mummy and then after she spends time with the lady and they build a relationship then a step mum also. To just say 2 mummies to a lady daughter has never met and a father she hasn’t seen in 3 years due to court stopping contact because of abuse. Just because she is having his baby which I suspect is him at his game again doesn’t make her mummy does it?

Daugher will not settle now as just found out one she has 2 mummies and 2 a brother on the way to a dad she not seen in 4 years… I’m also shocked as can tell.

I'm not sure what Cafcass's role is here.
I was a foster carer and they were great.

Could you ask them? "I'm concerned about some of the things he's saying to her at contact. She's getting distressed and confused. Who should I raise it with?"

@picklemewalnuts we have had the same lady the whole way through. She recommended DAPP programme and we are waiting on the ICFA programme at the moment. In the meantime they suggested these weekly calls but she did say to contact them with any concerns. The trouble is he is my concern but that chapter is closed really as they deem him fixed after the DAPP programme. I feel complaining about him gets me no where. I feel me and my daughter are the ones who need the support.

So you raise it because you have concerns and don't know how to approach it.

At some point they'll tell you they aren't involved anymore, so stop ringing.

You don't need to feel 'problematic' for raising it. You aren't rejecting the decision of the court by doing so even if that's actually how you feel. You are just raising a concern and asking how it should be dealt with- because you don't want to be seen as subverting the court's process.

Yes @picklemewalnuts I literally don’t know where to go for support. They gave him all the courses but nothing for me, it’s a crap system. And I’ve learnt I can’t do anything to make him behave, he will do what he wants no matter how many course they send him on. I guess we all think we are right in our ways, some just can put others first some can’t, like him.

Such courses do not work for abusers and abuse is about power and control. It’s not about communication or a perceived lack of. He wants this all his own way and will never cooperate.

I would contact Womens Aid and the rights of Women organisations as the latter can give some legal advice.

Your ex is playing the authorities, your support worker who does not seem to understand the abuse dynamics here and the courts for all they are worth. Such men too are master manipulators and indeed play the system for their own ends. He is also doing this to further punish you for having the gall to leave him, this most perfect specimen in his head.

I would stop this contact from him because it’s not working and is actively harming your child. He really does not care for or about her either.

This.
And speak to the school.

He is being emotionally abusive IMO by trying to guilt your daughter over not
seeing her and how hard its been.

Calmly and factually report what has occurred.

You need to have this recorded.
Also your GP should be told.

What a waster.

indeed do tell Cafcass and your support worker today, they need to know the effects this is having ion your daughter, not just to say you.

I would think that the ICFA program will be both a waste of time and effort too sadly again he will not cooperate or be ever reasonable . You are not emotionally safe enough to at all deal with him.

Same here. Why put your child through this damaging situation? She can seek him out as an adult if she wants to.

This! The poor kid.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I stopped the contact 3 years ago if I do it again I’m sure I will be in trouble as this is ordered.

you need to play smart here and do everything by the book.

You need to advise both cafcass and your support worker that even this level of contact is not working out for your daughter because he is confusing her. Your ex is really milking this contact for all he is worth and will continue to play the system to his advantage as a means of punishing you. He really does not give a toss for his daughter either.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he still wished to punish me even tho he has moved on and having another baby with her?

Oh yes and I would think that given time his new woman will be subjected to abuse from him too. He is using the court system to his advantage as well as using his child by you as a way of getting back at you. He has not changed and remains as abusive now as he was when you were with him.

Please get all this from him-documented and use people like your child’s school and gp to show the effect of his behaviour on her.

Well @AttilaTheMeerkat he appears to be doing a great job of not looking abusive. Courts believe him, another lady is having his baby whilst having no access to his previous child. He keeps saying how amazing his life is, how well his job is and how everyone loves him there. God knows how he is painting me.

@Needadvice83

she did say to contact them with any concerns

then do this! He's upset her blathering on spitefully about 'two mummies', he's made HER scared to meet him in person. She hasn't seen HIM in 3 years, now he's telling her she has 2 mummies.

FFS fucker needs castrating & jet propelling to Mars!

I do feel a bit guilty for adding to her worries. Although we have taken it slowly and she seems ok with our new baby and the new house where she has chosen all her bedding and her room. I think that’s the difference we have done it over years. She first met my partner as a friend then introduced slowly, same with the house. He is just trying so quickly. He could have met with her a few times then told her about her and shown pics then met etc and gone from there. But then that’s me and that’s what I would do.

I agree that you need to play smart here.

I like what Enko said

Daddy got confused what he meant was like you know i have Steven. And he is sort of a dad figure for you. Dad had this lady and one day when you get to know her she might become a step mum for you. You will always only have 1 mum. Me. And 1 dad dad.. but sometimes we chose to have people close in our lives and like Steve they can become a extra parent. Daddy got confused.

I would say to her that daddy's girlfriend is Susie and you and she can call her Susie. And that one day she might like to call Susie My Susie like you call Steven My Steven.

Let her feel you are in control here as you are the one she trusts to be reliable.

This is exactly how to frame this to her from what you’ve said.

You need to lead the narrative with calm and confidence.

she’s trusts you so don’t let her see him ruffle your if you can help it ❤️

I have sent the Cafcass officer an email explaining what happened and that its caused fear and confusion. But also that I have no objection for her to have a relationship but at a pace which causes less fear. I also explained what others have said in that I told her sometimes adults make mistakes and what daddy meant was that he has a special friend like mummy does and they will meet one day if she likes. I have asked if dad can be made aware of this so he can help to make this less overwhelming. I explained that I know he must be eager to tell her everything but there is large gap between contact
so it needs to be done slowly.

Ive tried to be diplomatic even tho I just can’t stand this guy and I know he will not care.

Cafcass have replied first thing this morning and agree with me and that she needs to feel comfortable with her relationship with her dad before introducing others so are going to call and talk to him. I guess that’s all I can hope for really. At least it’s logged.

Why haven't they had contact for the last 4 years, and why is he now only allowed supervised contact at a contact centre? Can only think he has a history of abusing your daughter or other children?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to call an actively involved step parent 'mum' or 'dad', loads of people do, as children and into adulthood. Sometimes they deserve the title more than a biological parent, other times it's conceivable to call them both mum or dad.

Your daughter has known your partner for half of her life, and live together, so it sounds like he's a father figure to her and not unreasonable to refer to him as dad. Which is completely different to your ex's new partner immediately being called mum, when your daughter hasn't even had any recent contact with real father or any at all with his partner. She might become a second mum over time, but it sounds like that's a very long way off.

Ex is an arse for what he said about her being mum too. It's clearly a kneejerk reaction, and jealousy at your daughter having another father figure in her life when he hasn't had any contact to do so himself, which comes back round to why he hasn't had contact. Has he just not bothered, or has it taken years of family court to get any?

It’s taken years of family court and courses for him to learn and accept his abusive behaviours and sort his anger and drugs tests. Like most abusers he doesn’t think he has done anything but he was found guilty at court. I doubt he has changed but he has done most of the courses, turned up and ticked boxes. Unfortunately he still finds reasons for his actions, eg at that time I had such a painful back, family loss, me being awkward etc etc

None of that is the issue here at this point it was simply that it was him with a knee jerk reaction at the relationship she has with my partner causing lots of upset.

Aside from the obvious ex issues. Re your dd I'd do a bit of a family tree for her. Pics of her, you, Steven, ex (or get dd to draw a pic of him) a link to a drawing of a 'lady' who is dads girlfriend.
(Do any adults that she knows have girlfriend's you could discuss)?

Also add a scan pic of your baby. Maybe draw all of 'your' side into a drawing of your house.

There's some good kids books out there about different kinds of families

The issue is that your daughter has had zero contact with her father for four years, and trying to repair the damage that has caused to your daughter and her relationship with him. It sounds like he wasn't an absent father by choice, but that he has had to work through the court system to get any contact at all (presumably an extended delay due to the pandemic slowing the process down too).

No he wasn’t an absent father by choice, he was absent because he was abusive unfortunately and there has been unfortunate delays also. If he wasn’t abusive this wouldn’t be happening. It’s very sad for our daughter.