Do you feel like a part of your in-laws family?

[ArtMumNZ]

Do your inlaws give you any gifts on your birthdays or at Christmas?

Reason I ask is, I've never really felt like a part of my DH's family in the 20 years we've been together. It's been at least 10 years since I've received any gifts, apart from big undies from MIL before I had their first grandchild, and most birthdays I don't even get a message to say happy birthday! They will sometimes give my DH gifts but not always. He will however always get a message at least.

One thing that really annoyed me is that a month after I had their first grandchild they came back from holiday with a bottle of whiskey for DH and a teddy bear for DS and absolutely f all for me!

Guess I'm just having a vent as MIL is here now and I just want to see how others would feel in this situation and if I'm reading too much into it. We've given a lot of our time to MIL over the past few years as she split with FIL and has had some health issues.

Yes, massively. In fact his mum has just been asking about my birthday and what I'd like to get.

But it works both ways, I always make sure we've visited if it feels like a while, I always send her photos of him and the kids, and I always remember their birthday/anniversary. And she knows it's me who does the little touches: the extra special card for her birthday, the photo calendar etc.

We had a big bust up after I'd had our youngest daughter, and then again about 7 years ago, but we've recovered.i miss how it was with us, but she's an important part of the family and now she knows where she sits, it's easier (single mum for years to an only child, she was suffocating)

But you say, they don't always gift to him, so it's not a surprise they don't gift to you.

Or do you feel it's more personal?

Removing gifts etc, would you spend time alone with her? Call her for a chat? Share news with her that's specifically about you?

Because I do all these things, she was the first person I told when I passed my driving test (after DH) and she rang me when she was ill the other week. We have a relationship independent of DH.

Yea, a little bit too much for me personally. They’re lovely, but they’re always making plans with me every week when I have my own (massive) family to see too.

I’m quite fond of my ILs, but it’s never occurred to me to consider myself part of their family — I married DH, not his siblings or parents. I don’t give them presents or remember their birthdays, and I’d be surprised if my PILs knew when my birthday was. I’d add my name to a card DH bought and wrote, obviously.

What does your husband think about his mothers behaviour re you , he is key here.

Has he not noticed the disparity over the years?. I would think that sadly he has not. Many such men don’t. Also her gift of big knickers was anything but friendly, more like a passive aggressive gesture from her to show how lowly you are to her.

I have 2 DILs and very much consider them part of the family. They're my sons wives, their most important people

I always try and buy them birthday presents that are a bit of a treat just for them.

No, def not. I mean, I get £20 in a card for my birthday, but for instance for 10 years they didn't even know what I did for work, and would never ask about my life at all

Nope. But they don’t even buy for DD (unlike the other cousins).

Mine get me presents and cards but they are not my family and I do not feel part of their family. I actually had this conversation with dh when we was talking of “our big family” which left me rather confused then I realised he was counting them and I said they are not my family they are his.

Its the other bits that make them not my family, it’s the secretive conversations even if they involve things that will affect me and my children that I am not invited to. They show they don’t see me as family as and such they can go sit on a cactus if they expect me to see them as family.

Indeed I married Dh, not his parents and I remain a part of my parents family. I do not need my mother in laws approval, not that she’d ever give it, think she feels deep down that I stole her son away from her.

Yes. I'm definitely not a second daughter but I know they are fond of me and vice versa.
I really like both my sisters in law (and BILs) and would want them as friends if I had met them independently of DH.
I think I got lucky.

No I don't. But I don't want to be so I'm absolutely one with that.

Nope. PIL used to send me birthday cards BIL & his wife don’t.
we also then found out that she spends an absolute fortune on her nephews & nieces that are her brother and sisters kids, but ours are hardly thought of. He works 12 hours a day 6 days a week & she is a SAHM before anyone asks why he doesn’t do it. She does buy our DC but limited £ & only Christmas & birthday compared to the ££££’s she spends on her family, several times a year.
They haven’t even seen the house we moved to 5 years ago, we have to always visit them!

Yes absolutely. I lost my dm two years ago and my df has advanced dementia and my in laws have kind of adopted me. It's absolutely adorable and I am so, so lucky.

I don't feel part of it particularly, no. Just a peripheral hanger-on most of the time, who's expected to turn up at big family gatherings on a day and time that is decreed by them. None of them ever talk to me about the organising, or even if I'm free. I'm just expected to drop everything and rearrange my life around them, and get told I'm being unreasonable if I don't. Come to think of it, they don't run plans past DH either, and he's started getting a bit upset over it just lately. We're just the second-class relatives. I've known it for years, and he has only just realised that what I've been saying for the last two decades is true. 😟

I think mine probably get me more than they do DH!! They’ve always treated me as one of the family and I keep in touch with them independently from DH, often do things just with MIL etc

Yes absolutely. They are lovely

16 years in and no. They've never acknowledged my birthday, rarely their own sons and now not my kids (their grandkids).

They're not a part of our lives despite living very close by.

Sometimes it hurts, most of the time I'm grateful ☺️

I'm similar @HerTableLaid . I get on well with my IL's and DH's siblings, we have nice get-togethers, but I have far more love and support from friends than I do from them. I realized long ago that I couldn't rely on them in a crisis - it was a bit of a shock, tbh, but I've accepted it. They like me, but they don't love me, IYSWIM, and vice versa.

Just wanted to add that it's not personal to me, they have similar relationships with my BIL and SIL who are married to DH's siblings.

Yes, absolutely. My siblings are spread all over the place (large family, big age range), and both parents are dead. We've never been much of a family for marking birthdays etc although we get on.

DH siblings geographically much closer and also closer in age. We all (Pails, siblings and partners) get on really well and any excuse for a get together or gifts is taken. It's great, I love it. And most importantly to me I think, I know that before they died, my parents were really pleased that I'd joined this other family who were more able than they were at that point to look out for me a bit.

I don't know if it makes a difference, but I met and liked DH parents and siblings before I met him!

Pails? PILs!

I’m somewhere in-between, they no longer treat me terribly. But ultimately, I’m never going to be ‘good enough’ for them because I’m from a poor family and didn’t go to private school.

I worry how this will feel when our baby arrives soon - she will be treated to every luxury under the sun in their ‘inner circle,’ and I will always be excluded.

😥 Quite a first world problem, but it does hurt.

@DogsAndGin I've also been hurt in the past by my PIL's attitude, but I've found that the best way to approach it is to realize that they're fallible human beings and they're not always going to be kind or do what I'd consider to be the right thing - and there's nothing I can do about it. They are who they are, it's nothing to do with me.

Depends. DH's parents are divorced and I've never felt part of his Dad's family - in fact the made a huge point of how opposed they were to our marriage which I'll never really forgive them for. Plus my step-MIL and ex-step MIL are both absolutely vile.

DH's late mother and her family were wonderful though. They made me feel a part of their family as soon as I met them. She passed away a few years ago at only 55 and I miss her terribly.

I divorced my exh 12 years ago, still speak regularly with ex Mil about life in general. She's very good with my 3 DS's... unlike their father