Do you feel like a part of your in-laws family?

[ArtMumNZ]

Do your inlaws give you any gifts on your birthdays or at Christmas?

Reason I ask is, I've never really felt like a part of my DH's family in the 20 years we've been together. It's been at least 10 years since I've received any gifts, apart from big undies from MIL before I had their first grandchild, and most birthdays I don't even get a message to say happy birthday! They will sometimes give my DH gifts but not always. He will however always get a message at least.

One thing that really annoyed me is that a month after I had their first grandchild they came back from holiday with a bottle of whiskey for DH and a teddy bear for DS and absolutely f all for me!

Guess I'm just having a vent as MIL is here now and I just want to see how others would feel in this situation and if I'm reading too much into it. We've given a lot of our time to MIL over the past few years as she split with FIL and has had some health issues.

Yes, this is how I feel.

My ILs are lovely people and I'm very fond of them, but most of our relationship is conducted through my OH / their son and I think we're both quite happy with that.

I get on very well with one BiL and his wife and we are friends, first and foremost (the other BiL is a waste of space, but oh well, two out of three ain't bad.)

I have a mum and a (late) dad, a sister and a large extended family of my own - while it's nice to have good relations, I don't need a whole other family, thank you all the same.

Yes I always felt like part of XH’s family - possibly more so than my own! When we divorced they said I’d always be family to them and they’ve absolutely stuck to their word. Sending me birthday money, keeping in touch, visiting and inviting me to family events. They always asked after my new (now ex!) partner too, just lovely people.

If I were your H and my family were unwelcoming to you or treating you as less important I’d be having a word tbh.

FWIW my more recent ex’s family never made me feel like part of theirs and neither did ex, which is a big part of why we’re not together any more.

To add: my PiLs do give me gifts on my birthday and Christmas, which I always look forward to - my MiL has excellent taste and always gives me something lovely (I do reciprocate!).

I have a decent relationship with DHs siblings and although not present or cards are generally exchanged they always involve me in big family get together. In fact they know it’s better to include me then arrangements work better as my DH is hopeless about foreword planning.

Relationship with his DM was good in the early days but dementia eroded all family relationships. Ironically her relationship with me stayed better for longer than some others but that was probably because we were nearer and so saw her more frequently.

My inlaws are toxic shit stirrers and I am much happier since I decided to let go of all the drama and please myself. I don’t invite them here and I don’t visit them. Not seen them in three years now and feel much happier.

A bit crap for my very lovely husband of course but then he could actually sort it out of he really wanted to.

Yeah from the moment I met them. Even DP aunties to above and beyond. For my birthday recently I got expensive new bedding (including duvet and pillows) and a molton brown set. And that was just from his mum. Sometimes it's just far too much and I don't want her spending her money on me like that. But I do the same for her as she's a great woman and deserves it x

I've known my in-laws for 25 years and been divorced from their son for 6 years. They've always treated me as family and still do. I visit them regularly and sometimes we go out for lunch. I love them dearly and they love me back just as much. I am forever grateful that they're so wonderful. I'm sorry that yours don't make any real effort to include you

MIL gives gifts but I think that's for convention rather than affection. We get on ok at a superficial level but I avoid disclosing anything personal as it will probably be used against me

When I met my in-laws for the first time (and I met them all at once - DP is from the US and they all still live back there so I met PILs, SILs, all seven aunts and a handful of cousins) they all, to a person, received me as though the only thing which had been missing from their lives up until that point was an absence of me. They’re all wonderful, and I’m very privileged, they are my second family.

Nope! Not in the slightest.

dp and I together over 14 years. 2 birthday cards in that time from mil but not this year.

all cards and presents from us to them they know I buy but still fa for me.

my dd16 also is treated similar, she has got a birthday card but obvious regifted present. Example, hand cream from Xmas present when she was 8 etc. all the while our kids together get a nice present a month after dd birthday.

don’t know why, I have always been nice, helped out etc. sil is a waste of space yet everyone bends over backwards for her!!

My situation is probably a bit different to most on here as my in laws live in Australia. When DD was a baby I was the one who made the effort with photos & FaceTime because DH is useless at that kind of thing & I wanted DD to have a relationship with her gps.
16 years later I have a good relationship with them, they always send stuff for my birthday & Xmas and we speak regularly (I speak to them more than DH)
Its difficult to say I’m part of the family because we are so far away but I think they are fond of me & I feel the same about them

You sound like a really lovely mil ❤️

I was married for over 20 years. I never really felt part of the family. The other ladies would arrange to go out but never invited me and when we all met up for a birthday would talk about how wonderful time they had had.

If I said I would like to go there. They would say it was very expensive more than you can afford. Or I would get ignored at whole family get togethers and end up just entertaining my DC's who were expected to be seen and not heard.

Now I have divorced their brother/son they will blank me if they see me in the street.

Yes, my PIL and BILs are all dead now, so it is just SILs and nephews/nieces etc left, but I have always felt part of their family and I regard them as part of mine. They never give me gifts though, as that just isn't a part of their family culture.

Yes.

I feel a bit embarrassed when FIL gives me £10 for my birthday (he gives £20 I think to DH) - he’s a pensioner on a low income and I don’t expect (or want) anything.

As DH has sisters and a grown up niece I’ll often be in contact with them more often than DH is.

Mine don’t really do gifts but I definitely feel like part of the family, though it did grow over time. Their outlook on life is very similar to mine and I have more in common with them than with my own parents. Dh didn’t fall far from the tree!

Yes. I'm very close to my family and also feel like part of my DH's family. My MIL treats me no different to her two DDs and she treats all her grandchildren the same. DH has a greater appreciation for family overall as prior to having children he moved around a lot and found it a bit of an adjustment to settle in one place. I always made it clear I wanted to be near family. They have been invaluable since having children.

No not really, although I think they would be surprised to hear that and probably think they treat me like their family. However a few things over the years have shown me otherwise:

• MIL chose a photo of our wedding which DIDN'T INCLUDE ME in it! It was just of her/PIL and DH's siblings! I was going to be the only one she bought until I made DH point it out (he hadn't noticed either )
• on my first mother's day after my own mum died PILs hosted a party for FIL's 70th birthday to which I was not invited. SIL called me to explain it was for 'blood relatives only, and besides, the kids would just get in the way...' I was left alone for the weekend with 2 under 3s, no mother's day card/ present for me, and I cried for most of it.
• When we used to visit and had meals at home or out, they always sat me next to the children and made it clear they expected me to look after them so they could talk to their son. It only changed because I told DH I wasn't going again unless it changed.

I definitely wasn’t with my in-laws. With my childrens’ partners it’s very different. They get the same amount spent on them at Xmas and birthdays etc. My daughter in law and I message or speak every day. I love it and so do they (I hope!)

Yes, not as close as birth kids but yes.
MIL ( noFIL) has always been kind to me, bought me presents etc.
I have always tried to make sure she is included, taken her on holiday with us (sometimes) pre and post dc.
She is part of my family and I am part of hers.

@7eleven That's so lovely! If I'm lucky enough to be a MIL at some point, I plan to make more effort than mine have - it may not be appreciated, but I'd going to try.

I don't feel like a part of DH's immediate family but his extended family? Definitely. I blame MIL and SIL

Not even a little bit. I've been with DH 14 years, might have got a card / bottle of wine for a birthday once and sometimes they tell DH he can share Christmas money with me. They also don't acknowledge my DD (DH step DD who has always lived with us full time) at all, not even a token Christmas gift when she was younger. DS / DH get gifts although they do sometimes forget DH if I'm honest.

SIL + her husband and BIL get gifts for every / no occasion.

We are pretty low contact these days.

On the other hand DH is very much part of my family and they send cards / gifts/ come for birthday meals / invite to days out etc.

Nope. But then I don't want to be.

I never felt part of my ils in all the time I was married. They were a bossy family, my sil their daughter was the little princess, she was number 1, nothing could happen before her & her dh were consulted. We once went round & bil was setting up their new TV, all we got was shhhh, we had to sit in silence until he had finished. When ds was born they tried to take over, it was awful. I made the mistake of buying a house round the corner from them, I couldn't come & go without seeing them, I felt trapped, it was part of the reason my marriage failed.