Do you feel like a part of your in-laws family?

[ArtMumNZ]

Do your inlaws give you any gifts on your birthdays or at Christmas?

Reason I ask is, I've never really felt like a part of my DH's family in the 20 years we've been together. It's been at least 10 years since I've received any gifts, apart from big undies from MIL before I had their first grandchild, and most birthdays I don't even get a message to say happy birthday! They will sometimes give my DH gifts but not always. He will however always get a message at least.

One thing that really annoyed me is that a month after I had their first grandchild they came back from holiday with a bottle of whiskey for DH and a teddy bear for DS and absolutely f all for me!

Guess I'm just having a vent as MIL is here now and I just want to see how others would feel in this situation and if I'm reading too much into it. We've given a lot of our time to MIL over the past few years as she split with FIL and has had some health issues.

I feel slightly differently to some PP above - when I married DH I married into a family - we became a larger family. My in laws have been there for me as parents and are incredible grand parents.

We have a wonderful relationship that I wouldn't change for the world. If god forbid anything happened between me and DH, myself and in-laws would still have a relationship. Maybe because I don't have my own parents they kind of took me under their wing but I feel incredibly lucky.

Yes my in laws are lovely and my MIL and I spend time together without my husband a lot while he's working

She loves spending time with my son

However we do tend to have an open door policy for both family's so my parents also spend a lot of time with us

We love being surrounded by both our families

Yes, I've been made part of the family and even more so since my parents died. They only do gifts at Xmas and for milestone birthdays as their norm, but I'm included in that. I didn't meet PIL before they died though, so don't know how they would have treated me.
When my DM was alive, she treated DH like her own adult child.

You sound so lovely. My parents were like this with DH but my in-laws much less so with me, and I miss my parents more when I have been with MIl because of this difference.

Very much so but I feel it would be insensitive to talk about it when really what you need is a virtual hug and

I think gifts are really different across different families, dh family never really do big spends on presents, except bizarrely on fil big birthday where bil requested hundreds of pounds for a joint present. My family go quite big on Christmas and birthdays most years. It becomes a challenge because what’s fair? My family don’t spend quite as much on dh as they do me, don’t think I’ve ever had a present from my in laws.

I feel less part of their family than mine, but they have a fairly awkward relationship with dh even and my family are more straightforward.

Yes absolutely. I was definitely another child to them. Same with my DDIL and DSIL now- they are my adopted adult children 😊 and I look after them, treat them, care and worry about them as if they were my own.

I like my in laws but I'm certainly not very involved in their lives.

DH has two lovely brothers, wives and families etc who we get on well with - one lives an hour away and one five hours away, so we get together a few times a year on average including Christmas. We have a messaging group so birthdays are always remembered too.

I would actually consider myself closer to my DH's mum than he is, but our communication is mainly phone calls and social media. She'd love it to be more but there's a massive back story there (which doesn't affect his siblings).

I should have added that the reverse is true though!

We live very close to my own parents and my sister visits regularly, so DH is extremely involved with his in-laws.

Yes. My PIL died many many years ago but my BIL always sends me a huge bouquet for my birthday and brings a bottle of craft gin over as well. Christmas is a large JL voucher.
We get on well though we are very different people.

My PILs are long dead now, and lived 5 hours’ drive away, so I only saw them at most a few times a year. However, they always sent me generous Xmas and birthday presents, and came to stay to help with chores at the birth of each of my DDs. DH’s elderly maiden aunt was also more of a mother to me than my own abusive narcissist one.
I regard my DDs’ partners as part of the family, and always welcome them with hugs when they come to stay. It helps that I’m an autistic geek and Star Trek fan…

I always get Christmas and birthday gifts, I visit MIL alone without DP, SIL's too. In fact I am closer to the in laws than I am my own family - then again that doesn't take much lol

I struck gold. My in-laws took me to their hearts immediately. My MIL was more of a mother to me than my own mum, and I learned everything about being a good mum and a grandmother from her.
I wasn't always the easiest DIL, I'm sure, but I was never treated with anything other than acceptance and warmth.

My PILs are both dead now, as, sadly, is my husband. But my SIL and I have become very close, and my husband's cousins refer to me as their cousin. No-one seems to recognise the in law bit. I'm just family.

I feel very very fortunate.

To add to my post, my late DH's aunt has made a will over the last year or two, and I'm told that in it, she is treating me equally to my SIL, her niece. With my SIL's blessing. I'm enormously touched by that.

Yes and no.

I get on with PiLs. MiL is absolutely lovely, FiL is a bit of a twat but I can put up with that. We live relatively close so see them once per week. I’ll also go out for coffees with MiL fairly regularly. They seem to like me, fwiw and have made a real effort to get to know me, understand my job, my likes/dislikes etc. They are extremely generous with presents – a bit too much, IMO. MiL will spend £100 on me and SiL at Christmas but will insist on spending exactly that, so if, for example, there’s a main component to the gift – say a handbag or piece of jewellery at £80. I would be more than delighted with this but she’ll then find other things to make up to £100 exactly – even if that means going to poundland for a few random bits. DH and BiL get £200 spent, in exactly the same way.

On the other hand, PiLs have both said to me on multiple occasions that I’m “not family”. I have no other family at all and I have to admit that it really stings.
They go out as a family once per month, always to a really nice restaurant, but SiL and I are never included. I expect loads of people on MN would be quite happy and understanding of this but I find it a bit odd to have the family boundaries drawn in this way. DH and I have no DC but BiL and SiL do and the grandkids are never invited either – it’s an attempt to preserve the original family unit. Maybe it’s because I crave that family unit – my parents are no longer around, I am an only child and have been unable to have children - that I find this really upsetting. I’d prefer to look on families as progressively expanding units rather than closed groups, but it’s interesting to see different perspectives here.

Nope. If I was lucky, I got a happy birthday on a group chat but that was it. The first few years, I'd get Christmas presents but usually passive aggressive ones. When I was pregnant & had bad morning sickness, she gave me anti ageing cream. Needless to say that was only the tip of the iceberg & I'm now non contact with his entire family

Yes very much so and we aren't even married yet. It was a bit suffocating at first but I think they were just so happy he had met someone. Now 6 years down the line I love it, they're really lovely with my DD too ❤️

With father in law, yes. He calls me his daughter. With my husband's siblings, unfortunately no. I wish I was, but they never considered me as a part of family. More like addition to their brother. We've been together over a decade, living together for 9 years, still he could trade me for any other girl and it wouldn't make them any difference I'm afraid.

still he could trade me for any other girl and it wouldn't make them any difference I'm afraid.

@xogossipgirlxo It's the way it is in some families. We've been married for over 20 years and I know my IL's would quickly forget about me if we split up, they'd probably forget about their grandchildren too, tbh. At least I know it's not personal, they'd be the same with the other partners too. Only interested in their own children really. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. [shrug]

@Cameleongirl you’re right. The relationship between my husband’s siblings is really odd for me. They like to meet without any spouses or partners which isn’t the case in my family. Luckily my husband understands it’s weird, but I think there’s nothing he can do. We just have to live with it 🙄

Yes I do totally. We are all close. Not in your pockets close but we have amazing family gatherings and I adore my nieces and nephews and am good friends with my sis in laws. Couldn't have asked for a better family x