AIBU - Husband never seems to care when I'm unwell

[Newbie321ace]

Whenever I'm feeling unwell or down, and I mention it to my husband, he doesn't seem to care or, even worse, he seems to take it so badly that he becomes argumentative and cross with me. I find it bizarre. It has happened many times over our relationship but a recent example is that I'm currently truly exhausted and run down (we've had quite a stressful time recently), but I'm trying to carry on as usual. When I mention to him that I feel like this though (and not in a moaning way, just mentioning it), he either gets really defensive, or just doesn't say anything - he just ignores me. I actually got upset the other day and had a little cry and our toddler saw, and he got really angry and suggested this was harming our child (of course, I don't want to cry in front of our child, but on that occasion it was all just too much and got the better of me). He still didn't mention anything about me. All I need is him to care, to say or do something that makes me feel a tiny bit better - is this too much to ask? This happens whenever I'm ill - I feel like I have to keep my real feelings to myself to avoid him ignoring me. This happens in other instances, not just if I'm feeling unwell. Surely this isn't normal?

Any advice?

No it's not normal. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. I think you need to seriously consider the future of the relationship.

He doesn't care. He's a selfish narcissistic. My ex was like this. Begrudgingly drove me to casualty when slipped a disc. Left him , now my friends and family look after me, ask how I am etc. Compare yourself to some friends you'll get same responses. How was he when you were giving birth? Can you imagine another 40 years of this ?

It doesn’t sound like he cares about you very much

I don’t know how ’normal’ that is.
My dad is like this.
And many women on MN seem to have a bf/husband like that.
So there are many men like this out there.
Vut do you want to be with one?

*But do you want…

What's does he expect when he's ill?

Is the second time you've posted this?

Unfortunately some men don’t understand illness so don’t know how to handle it or know what to do or say when someone. My DH really didn’t do a lot for me when I have ever been ill, but did take DC out for tea and look after them. He did care, but would say there’s not a lot I can do for you and just left me alone. Over the years he has become a lot more caring, but I’ve managed so long, that I don’t really expect anything else. When he is ill, I care for him and he seems to think that’s normal.

OP my husband is very much the same. Ever since we were married he never really looked after me when I was sick. When I was pregnant I had the worst flu of my life, he would drop me off at my parents house in the morning for them to take care of me and then pick me up at night. Once my son was 1.5 yrs old, and I was so sick in bed, there was a function at his grandmothers house which he went for, he came home that night and accused me of faking being ill just to not go to his grandmothers function. I was sick for weeks, back n forth to Dr, I again went to my parents home for them to nurse me back to health and help with my son until I was well enough to go back home.
Recently we all had the flu (I have a 2 yr old now as well and my older DS is 7) we all had been to the Dr, got home and tried to rest, yet I couldn't, I had to be a Mum, cleaned up, cooked, fed the kids their 3 meals, bathed them and gave them their meds while he was in bed recuperating. I feel like an idiot reading this back and realizing how uncared for I am. Now even if I experience any pains I just keep it to myself as he is clearly unphased by it.

My dad was like this.

If I ever got hurt and cried or got upset he would literally scream at me “well what is crying going to do?” etc. He was even worse with emotional distress - so saying “i feel down” was like a red rag to a bull.

After many many years of therapy I have realised that he feels helpless when he cant fix a problem. My tears / emotions make him feel inadequate in some way. It is hurtful but I have learnt to manage my expectations about what support I can expect from
him.

Ironically, also via therapy I have identified that I struggle to react in a naturally empathetic way when someone I really care about is hurt or hurting. My head knows I should say something gentle that shows concern or is supportive, but it’s like the words just won’t come out of my mouth. I am so conscious of not repeating patterns …. Hence so much therapy. I am able to comfort my DC reasonably well / normally but it takes a lot of reminding myself….

I am sorry things have been stressful OP - hope you feel better soon. Maybe call a friend who would be more naturally empathetic 💐

How often are you ill?

...what relevance is that? Even if she's permanently unwell, she deserves sympathy not abuse.

It’s hard to tell without knowing you and your dynamics.
Maybe he is just the kind of person who doesn’t have empathy and he actually doesn’t care about you.
It is also possible that you two deal with life stresses differently.
You need to express it and have someone acknowledge and reassure you. And he is more of a stoic and getting on with it type.

Personally I am also a person that mostly tries to get through life issues on my own. And for me - it’ll be hard to be with someone who always needed me to reassure them as we go through difficult times. I don’t always have the strength to do it anyway - just because I don’t show my reaction to stress doesn’t mean it’s not hard for me just as well.

What you described in your post is that as a family ‘you had stressful time’. I am assuming he also did. He may be also feeling low but is dealing with it differently.
As to getting emotional in front of a small child - it can be unavoidable, but I’d also hope you do try to shield them from your stress as much as you can. If you need to cry - just remove yourself to another room.

You say that your husband doesnt understand illness or what to do or say but then you say you care for him when he is ill... so he does know how - because he's a recipient of your care so he even has an example to follow.... please dont let him off the hook for this, you deserve better.

If someone is permanently unwell it would be much harder to consistently provide sympathy than if it’s a one off?? OP doesn’t mention long term chronic condition or disability which would warrant permanent care and I suspect she’s often ill and just wanting attention.

Sorry @Mindymomo just seen you said he is getting better which is good

@DoItAfraid same here. Struggle with empathy and have to remember to try harder with dd when she's ill or upset.
I never missed a day off school. I was sent in throwing up and a couple of times after I passed out.
I would never do that , but it doesn't come naturally to me.

My ex was like this. Also if he were ever I'll he couldn't accept that he was I'll ever and didn't like any sympathy / care being provided.

Ridiculous.

@Rowgtfc72 thanks for not making me feel
like a monster.

I try really hard to be kinder and gentler with my kids but honestly it is so far from how I was raised myself that it takes a lot of mental energy.

💐.

I can do it in writing but not in words. Which is even weirder. :-(

I also really struggle with this. I hate it when people are ill. I will happily go and fetch them medicine, cook for them, give them a lift to the doctor/hospital, but please don't ask me to "keep them company" in the waiting room or visit them in hospital.

But equally I don't want anyone to keep me company when I'm poorly - I'll gratefully accept practical help but then I want them to fuck off and leave me alone.

However OP said its not just during periods of illness that she feels un-cared for, so I think it's a deeper issue here.

I hope you are on very good birth control now. Dont keep having kids with this man

Do you do most of the childcare and housework OP? Some men get very annoyed when their household appliance starts to malfunction.

My ex-h was very similar.

I realised his idea of a loving caring relationship depended on me being a certain way (slim, social, healthy, available, hard-working, attractive etc etc).

Now that's fine, but in a long marriage some of those attributes might ebb and flow and basically I knew he didn't actually love me, I just ticked boxes for him.

I knew if I became ill I was on my own.

So I finished the marriage, I suit myself now and if I'm ill friends and family help me.

My DH can be like this and one day I discovered that when he was growing up his mums approach was very much either go to bed and come back out when you feel better (then he was pretty much left) or pull your socks up and get on with it. There wasn’t really sympathy amd the care that I was used to as a child; despite mil being a lovely mum in all other areas her approach to being ill was odd. So DH just kind of repeats that unless I’m seriously ill. It did help understanding that

It’s hard to comment without a bit more context. I had an ex who suffered from health anxiety and even the most mundane of things became an issue. It felt like every day was a new ailment or illness, he couldn’t just be a bit tired, he’d be exhausted, fatigued, unable to go on. A headache would see him spiral into fears of brain tumours or a stroke. I have to be honest after a while I started just filtering it out, especially as I was trying to keep the house afloat and a salary coming in. It was all a bit too much like the boy who cried wolf.

I’m not saying this is definitely you OP, but just wanted to give a different perspective just in case it resonates.