Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU - Husband never seems to care when I'm unwell

66 replies

Newbie321ace · 22/06/2022 07:50

Whenever I'm feeling unwell or down, and I mention it to my husband, he doesn't seem to care or, even worse, he seems to take it so badly that he becomes argumentative and cross with me. I find it bizarre. It has happened many times over our relationship but a recent example is that I'm currently truly exhausted and run down (we've had quite a stressful time recently), but I'm trying to carry on as usual. When I mention to him that I feel like this though (and not in a moaning way, just mentioning it), he either gets really defensive, or just doesn't say anything - he just ignores me. I actually got upset the other day and had a little cry and our toddler saw, and he got really angry and suggested this was harming our child (of course, I don't want to cry in front of our child, but on that occasion it was all just too much and got the better of me). He still didn't mention anything about me. All I need is him to care, to say or do something that makes me feel a tiny bit better - is this too much to ask? This happens whenever I'm ill - I feel like I have to keep my real feelings to myself to avoid him ignoring me. This happens in other instances, not just if I'm feeling unwell. Surely this isn't normal?

Any advice?

OP posts:
madasawethen · 22/06/2022 14:22

Far too many men are like that. They don't really see us as human.
They're far more likely to abandon their wives if they get seriously ill.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/06/2022 14:30

When you say ill/unwell/down, what do you actually mean?

Are you seeking medical help? Do you have a diagnosis of anything?

We all get tired and overwhelmed sometimes. But what do you actually expect him to do? Other than offer a bit more sympathy?

We need more information. I think he might just have heard it so much he's stopped reacting to it, to be honest. I know that doesn't mean it's not happening but you need to say what specifically is wrong.

Or is there a bigger backstory?

Borgonzola · 22/06/2022 16:38

My mother is like this. Basically seems cross with me when I'm ill Hmm though that's just one of her many quirks

My partner can be a bit like this - but more that I seem to have to keep explaining to him that I'm ill before he realises why I might be upset/tired/not in a great mood. He just doesn't seem to be able to extrapolate! When he's ill he doesn't expect lots of attention himself but sometimes I can find it hard to be sympathetic because I never get any when I'm ill! And I'm normally a pretty compassionate person!

lovenotwar149 · 22/06/2022 16:47

I have experienced this to with various men in my family. They seem to show no care when their wife/partner is unwell. I in recent yrs have looked into this objectively, not emotionally. Im not condoning this behaviour as it can be very hurtful indeed, But understanding why, or trying to, is useful. I do wonder if they behave in this uncaring/cold manner because they can't handle it.They can't handle their own fear of their partner being unwell so they project their insecurity. Showing care/concern etc when their partner is unwell would mean being vulnerable which they can't do. I have experienced this too and its not nice at all. Sending love xx

PerseverancePays · 22/06/2022 17:36

Naunet · 22/06/2022 13:01

Do you do most of the childcare and housework OP? Some men get very annoyed when their household appliance starts to malfunction.

This. A lot of men seem to have their significant others confused with a household appliance.

MachineBee · 22/06/2022 17:52

My DH is very rarely ill so hasn’t had much experience of being cared for. And he hates fuss. I’ve learned that I need to spell out in very clear terms what I need him to do, including the odd hug when things get tough for me. I have a long-term condition so sometimes he can’t do anything other than pick up a bigger share of household tasks. Hints that I’m not feeling too good don’t usually get much response other than, go and rest.

He also needs to be given detailed instructions for updating my family for instance when I have surgery or go to hospital. He forgets they worry and want to hear that it’s gone well, I’ve come round ok etc.

He’s a very kind man who is good at the practical support stuff but social responses to illness is something that doesn’t quite hit his radar.

Still a huge improvement on my ExH who used to make life harder when I was ill- and would actual get cross that I hadn’t ‘done my chores’ (yes he really said that - there’s a reason he became an Ex…)

movingon2022 · 22/06/2022 17:59

My ex was like that too. I never really felt cared for when I was unwell. If I would get sick, he would get on with his business as if all is normal, so I would typically get up to walk the dog, cook dinner etc. He would never offer to help, tell me not to do it and stuff.

When he would get sick he would not ask much from me, but he would totally disengage and focus on himself without thinking about the rest of us (eg. who is walking dogs, cooking dinner, taking kids to school), so I would have to pitch in and do everything.

Coffeesnob11 · 22/06/2022 18:12

My ex not only hated me being ill he would always miraculously become ill at the same time and take to his bed. It was almost like he couldn't bear to not be the centre of attention. He used to refer to an op I had as the worst time of our lives.... because he actually had to do something as I was in so much pain. It's very frustrating when all you want is some sympathy.

GreenManalishi · 22/06/2022 18:17

Naunet · 22/06/2022 13:01

Do you do most of the childcare and housework OP? Some men get very annoyed when their household appliance starts to malfunction.

THIS!

movingon2022 · 22/06/2022 18:20

Coffeesnob11 · 22/06/2022 18:12

My ex not only hated me being ill he would always miraculously become ill at the same time and take to his bed. It was almost like he couldn't bear to not be the centre of attention. He used to refer to an op I had as the worst time of our lives.... because he actually had to do something as I was in so much pain. It's very frustrating when all you want is some sympathy.

OMG @Coffeesnob11 my ex was the same. He would too almost always get sick a day or two after me. It was ridiculous.

Thevoiceofreasonable · 22/06/2022 18:28

I have absolutely no sympathy for anyone who is ill TBH. Even DH complains that I don't show him sympathy. But then when I ask him what he actually wants me to do, he says he doesn't know. Just show him sympathy. 'Oh dear you're ill. What a shame.'

FWIW, I'm rarely ill. If I am, I take myself off to bed with some painkillers and sleep it off. I hate other people being around me and flapping when I'm ill. DH is always ill in comparison (and has passed his sickly genes onto DS1). Hay-fever, asthma, allergic to everything. It drives me mad.

TBF, my kids are like me. They go to bed and lie down when they're ill.

HazelBite · 22/06/2022 20:49

I'm sympathetic when people are ill, but I've no patience with those who constantly complain but never go to the doctors, or take any medicine eg Have a terrible headache, but refuse any offers of paracetamol etc. suggestions
I honestly think there are a lot of people like this, who don't realise how infuriating they are to others.

Squeak12 · 22/06/2022 21:01

You may like to Google the personality disorder Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (not OCD, that's different). My husband was diagnosed earlier this year. One of the traits is being unable to express emotions to any degree including sympathy. It opened my eyes when I read about it.

gonnascreamsoon · 23/06/2022 07:12

I'm sorry OP, but your DH thinks of you as a household appliance, rather than as a person with thoughts/feelings etc.

He's getting 'angry' because his childminder/cook/laundress/cleaner is 'faulty' because it's now 'requiring' input from HIM !

oldageprancer · 23/06/2022 07:15

I left.
I am now much happier.
I can now see how self centred he is/was. I was the coper, the one getting things done, the one who cared. He was just a taker.
Good luck, op.

MoiraQueen · 23/06/2022 07:33

I have absolutely no sympathy for anyone who is ill TBH. Even DH complains that I don't show him sympathy. But then when I ask him what he actually wants me to do, he says he doesn't know. Just show him sympathy. 'Oh dear you're ill. What a shame.'

Not quite sure what to say to that.
I'm a totally untactile person who struggles with saying the right thing and doesnt like fuss, but even I couldn't behave like that.

Spabreak · 23/06/2022 07:48

I remember seeing a programme about people coping with serious illness. One of the women was absolutely lovely: fun, vivacious, lots of friends, positive. Her husband left her as soon as he found out she was ill because he 'didn't do illness'. Somehow I suspect he wouldn't have expected her to leave him if the situation was reversed. It was really sad and she looked devastated.

OP I wouldn't want this for you. You deserve more. Whether it's because he doesn't like to show caring, can't deal with illness, whatever it is, you need something different and it will eat away at you.

DoItAfraid · 23/06/2022 09:11

MoiraQueen · 23/06/2022 07:33

I have absolutely no sympathy for anyone who is ill TBH. Even DH complains that I don't show him sympathy. But then when I ask him what he actually wants me to do, he says he doesn't know. Just show him sympathy. 'Oh dear you're ill. What a shame.'

Not quite sure what to say to that.
I'm a totally untactile person who struggles with saying the right thing and doesnt like fuss, but even I couldn't behave like that.

@MoiraQueen

“I'm a totally untactile person who struggles with saying the right thing and doesnt like fuss”

very accurate and succinctly put (in relation to me).

Chattycathydoll · 23/06/2022 09:17

My ex was like this- and aggravatingly, if I was sick, he was sicker. If I was stressed, he was clinically depressed. When I was in hospital giving birth to DD, somehow it was harder for him because he didn’t have the adrenaline of being in labour, just the stress and exhaustion?

Anyway, he’s an ex for a reason. Partners are meant to be just that- a partner. Someone to help and support you.

FlowerArranger · 23/06/2022 09:37

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/06/2022 14:30

When you say ill/unwell/down, what do you actually mean?

Are you seeking medical help? Do you have a diagnosis of anything?

We all get tired and overwhelmed sometimes. But what do you actually expect him to do? Other than offer a bit more sympathy?

We need more information. I think he might just have heard it so much he's stopped reacting to it, to be honest. I know that doesn't mean it's not happening but you need to say what specifically is wrong.

Or is there a bigger backstory?

This is what I was going to ask. We need more information and context.

But whatever the situation, OP should expect some sympathy from her husband, and the occasional "put your feet up love while I make you a cuppa/pour you a glass of wine"...

It's what people who care about each other do.

Original poster
Newbie321ace · 22/03/2023 21:47

FlowerArranger · 23/06/2022 09:37

This is what I was going to ask. We need more information and context.

But whatever the situation, OP should expect some sympathy from her husband, and the occasional "put your feet up love while I make you a cuppa/pour you a glass of wine"...

It's what people who care about each other do.

Show quote history

I think I meant just that - a bit of sympathy. Not once in our whole marriage has my DH ever said something like that - "put your feed up while I make you a cuppa / pour you a glass of wine". He makes a cup of tea for himself every morning and I have to ask if I want one (or just make my own) - I actually mentioned it a while back so now he sometimes begrudgingly makes one for me. I know that's a small thing, but it feels like a big thing!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/03/2023 23:10

What does he do that is kind/nice/thoughtful/loving?
To you or anyone else?

Has he always been the same?

Codlingmoths · 22/03/2023 23:14

I told mine if he couldn’t at least look after the dc when I’m sick I couldn’t see a future for us. So now he does.

as for you’re damaging your toddler, report ‘the total lack of support they see in our relationship every day is far more damaging as well as the cause of why I’m struggling so if it bothers you try being a little kind and caring for a change.’ And take yourself to bed.

DoormatBob · 22/03/2023 23:28

I get a bit like this with DW. She will be ill or tired quite often and just take herself off to bed with no consideration for the jobs that have to be done (dog fed, school bag sorted, dog walked, bins out).

Or she will say "you'll have to take DS to school in the morning". We both have flexible working and share school drop offs but one morning changes loses 2 hours work time.

The key thing that gets me is she never phones in sick for work so it feels like I have to accommodate the importance of her employer.

My view is if you're well enough to work you are well enough to do your share of household responsibilities.

Chocolateballz · 23/03/2023 06:47

My ex was like this.
There are a cohort of men who feel resentful and angry when their partners are not functioning as they usually would. It puts more effort on them and they hate you for it. Mine used to sulk and would accuse me of purposely getting ill whenever he wanted to do his hobby time and so I'd be unable to care for the kids.

Once, he sulked for days because I called him home from the pub to stay at home with me and our toddler when I was heavily pregnant with a horrendous vomiting bug and a water infection.