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Original poster

AIBU - Husband never seems to care when I'm unwell

66 replies

Newbie321ace · 22/06/2022 07:50

Whenever I'm feeling unwell or down, and I mention it to my husband, he doesn't seem to care or, even worse, he seems to take it so badly that he becomes argumentative and cross with me. I find it bizarre. It has happened many times over our relationship but a recent example is that I'm currently truly exhausted and run down (we've had quite a stressful time recently), but I'm trying to carry on as usual. When I mention to him that I feel like this though (and not in a moaning way, just mentioning it), he either gets really defensive, or just doesn't say anything - he just ignores me. I actually got upset the other day and had a little cry and our toddler saw, and he got really angry and suggested this was harming our child (of course, I don't want to cry in front of our child, but on that occasion it was all just too much and got the better of me). He still didn't mention anything about me. All I need is him to care, to say or do something that makes me feel a tiny bit better - is this too much to ask? This happens whenever I'm ill - I feel like I have to keep my real feelings to myself to avoid him ignoring me. This happens in other instances, not just if I'm feeling unwell. Surely this isn't normal?

Any advice?

OP posts:
Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 23/03/2023 06:55

Mine’s like this too, when I spent 3 days in bed with Covid I had to fetch a bottle of water and half a packet of biscuits and that was all I had for those 3 days.
I’ve already decided that should I ever need care after a hospital stay then I will book into a hotel-I’m serious - because he wouldn’t even think of making me a cup of tea let alone something to eat.

Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 23/03/2023 06:56

DoormatBob · 22/03/2023 23:28

I get a bit like this with DW. She will be ill or tired quite often and just take herself off to bed with no consideration for the jobs that have to be done (dog fed, school bag sorted, dog walked, bins out).

Or she will say "you'll have to take DS to school in the morning". We both have flexible working and share school drop offs but one morning changes loses 2 hours work time.

The key thing that gets me is she never phones in sick for work so it feels like I have to accommodate the importance of her employer.

My view is if you're well enough to work you are well enough to do your share of household responsibilities.

Are you serious!?
So her feeling I’ll or tired is nothing to do with having a DH like you?
🤬

frozendaisy · 23/03/2023 08:58

Seems common.

But it's deeply uncaring.

Up to you if you put up with it.

I would at least offer the mirror behaviour back to him.

Sounds like he is another one who is god if the house and can do what he wants, act how he wants, say what he wants, treat you how he wants and you put it up with it. Honestly I have no idea why people do out up with it. Money? Status of a relationship?

He won't change now because this is now how he thinks he should be allowed to be.

You could stop washing his clothes, cooking his food, having sex with him. Guess it depends on the power balance between you both.

I would stop crying and try and start mastering the art of contempt towards him. Ignore him for a bit.

Thepossibility · 23/03/2023 09:38

DoormatBob · 22/03/2023 23:28

I get a bit like this with DW. She will be ill or tired quite often and just take herself off to bed with no consideration for the jobs that have to be done (dog fed, school bag sorted, dog walked, bins out).

Or she will say "you'll have to take DS to school in the morning". We both have flexible working and share school drop offs but one morning changes loses 2 hours work time.

The key thing that gets me is she never phones in sick for work so it feels like I have to accommodate the importance of her employer.

My view is if you're well enough to work you are well enough to do your share of household responsibilities.

You begrudge picking up some extra household tasks when your wife is sick because she manages to drag herself to work?! How dare she expect any care or concern from her “D" husband, right?

GoldDuster · 23/03/2023 10:28

had a little cry and our toddler saw, and he got really angry and suggested this was harming our child

You know what's more likely to harm your child than mummy being human and having emotions and having a little cry now and again? Daddy getting angry with mummy for doing it.

I feel like I have to keep my real feelings to myself to avoid him ignoring me.

No this isn't normal, or healthy.

For whatever reason he is wired to not be able to cope when you are not ok, but that's not life, so this is an issue. It's possible to learn to show empathy, but he would need to accept how this affects you and be willing to change first.

Newestname002 · 23/03/2023 12:05

Doesn't sound as if this man really likes you at all, @Newbie321ace. He treats you like a mechanical appliance which keeps going wrong.. do y you see yourself in the same situation for the next few decades?

I sincerely hope you're not planning on having any more children with him and see what your life could be without him.

Knowing your options for the future without him in your daily life, actively making things harder and unhappier for you might clear your mind. Check out what you might be eligible for in the way of universal credits if necessary- www.entitledto.com is a useful site for information. 🌹

Original poster
Newbie321ace · 28/03/2023 22:44

GoldDuster · 23/03/2023 10:28

had a little cry and our toddler saw, and he got really angry and suggested this was harming our child

You know what's more likely to harm your child than mummy being human and having emotions and having a little cry now and again? Daddy getting angry with mummy for doing it.

I feel like I have to keep my real feelings to myself to avoid him ignoring me.

No this isn't normal, or healthy.

For whatever reason he is wired to not be able to cope when you are not ok, but that's not life, so this is an issue. It's possible to learn to show empathy, but he would need to accept how this affects you and be willing to change first.

Yes, I'd tend to agree. He cannot cope when I'm unwell (which to be fair is quite rare) or if I'm not ok for some other reason - eg feeling worried about something, stressed about something, that sort of thing. He sort of either shuts down, or (worse) gets angry and impatient with me - looks at the clock when I'm trying to share a problem with him or discuss something that matters to me. It happens all the time. I've told him this is how I feel and even that is treated as a 'ridiculous' thing to say.
I actually had pretty much a complete breakdown the other day - I was so upset and I needed him to listen and understand how I'm feeling and he just wouldn't. Eventually he did listen, but he only ever seems to do this if I'm completely at my lowest. I feel like I'm just 'coping' all the time, and often wonder if I've made a terrible choice and now I'm paying for it. Is that awful? I can't change him can I? I just cannot work out how to make the whole situation better. There's no 'good' solution from here.

OP posts:
pixie5121 · 29/03/2023 00:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

CallieQ · 29/03/2023 00:54

My DH was like that.. he's now ex DH

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2023 05:58

He basically wants a functioning wife, not one who’s ever in pain or upset or human. He wants a robot. I don’t think there’s any excuse for this behaviour tbh.

Deathraystare · 29/03/2023 10:19

@Naunet

Some men get very annoyed when their household appliance starts to malfunction.

Very true!!!!!!

Cherrysoup · 29/03/2023 10:30

movingon2022 · 22/06/2022 18:20

OMG @Coffeesnob11 my ex was the same. He would too almost always get sick a day or two after me. It was ridiculous.

Show quote history

And I bet he was much sicker than you, yes? I’ve read this sort of thing on here loads. It’s bizarre. I mean, I’m not the most tolerant person, but if someone’s ill, I think I’m reasonable and do anything I can to support because that’s the normal thing to do, surely?

The only time I’ve genuinely thought my DH was sick and I was too was after I gave him covid, not that he gets sick when I am.

DeeDee55 · 21/09/2023 07:23

Please tell me you are not still with this so called husband of yours after all that disgusting treatment?, if you are, why? 🤷‍♀️

Ahodge · 14/12/2023 13:38

No it’s not normal, it is emotional abuse and he is completely invalidating you and your feelings. My husband used to be AWFUL when it came to this (still is sometimes). Unfortunately they are characteristics of being a narcissist (which IS possible to change IF they want to). I’m in the same boat being sick right now to the point where no matter what I do, I can’t find comfort (fever, nausea, extreme congestion, migraines that make me dizzy to stand), and yesterday my husband “needed to get ready for work” so he would roll his eyes when I would ask for a water or something. He did SOME of the dirty dishes in the sink after being nagged for two days and expected a huge pat on the back, not wiping or cleaning off the counters and leaving all dishes that needed to be hand washed for me and acted like he deserved a gold medal.

Your husband got mad at you for crying in front of your child because he is only thinking of himself deep down and that it sheds a bad light on HIM instead of taking responsibility. Crying is okay. If your child cries it is because they are struggling with something emotionally so they know the same goes for you but your husband may be teaching your child to not care about other people’s feelings and you don’t want them to grow up like this, so I would stand up to him about it or get some counseling because your feelings DO matter!

Tillybud81 · 14/12/2023 17:21

My ex was similar, he really had to force himself to make any effort to show sympathy or help me when I was sick. He'd get grumpy and I was never sure if it was anger at me for daring to be sick (he was never sick 🤔), thinking I was over exaggerating or frustration that he couldn't fix it for me. I suspect a mix of the first two.
I never got anything from him to just be nice except one cup of tea in the morning.
He's an ex for a reason, I'll be looking for better from my next partner, it's just basic kindness to help someone who's sick surely

cezannesapple · 14/12/2023 19:41

My ex would tell me he disliked me when I was ill. Completely begrudged having to come and pick me up from hospital after surgery. I had to get him to drive me home to my parents so I could recover for two weeks there. Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last.

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