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Original poster

Partners who pay for porn?

59 replies

MummyRR · 21/06/2022 12:51

So I was on my husband's laptop yesterday and I came across an email that he had subscribed to a porn website paying £9.99 a month.
This email was from around 4 months before we married but I don't think he's watching it now.
Lots of men watch porn single or married, I get that.
But why pay for it when it's freely available???
He also had told me previously he doesn't watch porn when that's now clearly a lie. I'd have had no problem if he said he did.
Feeling quite sad about the lie and the fact that he's paid for it. What does that even mean he got by paying.

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 21/06/2022 12:55

But why pay for it when it's freely available???

I would hazard a guess that is something quite niche that he was after or he was paying for some 'interactive' service where you get to direct the person on camera.

newbiename · 21/06/2022 12:57

He's still watching it.

Mumnetter111 · 21/06/2022 13:15

If it was Only Fans it would be for a specific person. And that’s why u need to pay.

Original poster
MummyRR · 21/06/2022 13:19

DillonPanthersTexas · 21/06/2022 12:55

But why pay for it when it's freely available???

I would hazard a guess that is something quite niche that he was after or he was paying for some 'interactive' service where you get to direct the person on camera.

I came across a password recovery email with his username so he must have had the account from before.
I could potentially log into the account myself and have a look to see what he's been viewing but it would mean changing the password and I don't want him to be alerted.
I even tried looking for his bank statements just now to see if the payment still shows as outgoing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyRR · 21/06/2022 13:20

Mumnetter111 · 21/06/2022 13:15

If it was Only Fans it would be for a specific person. And that’s why u need to pay.

Thank you for your message.
It's not an OnlyFans account, just some random porn site.

OP posts:
Cath57 · 21/06/2022 13:22

That's pretty strange paying for something you can get for free.

sunlovingcriminal · 21/06/2022 13:22

Just playing devils advocate here, do you think maybe he's asked for a password reset, so that he can get onto the account and cancel a historic subscription that he's forgotten about?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2022 13:22

I could potentially log into the account myself and have a look to see what he's been viewing but it would mean changing the password and I don't want him to be alerted.

Who care if you alert him. He's been lying his arse off.

Original poster
MummyRR · 21/06/2022 13:26

Cath57 · 21/06/2022 13:22

That's pretty strange paying for something you can get for free.

Exactly!

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyRR · 21/06/2022 13:28

sunlovingcriminal · 21/06/2022 13:22

Just playing devils advocate here, do you think maybe he's asked for a password reset, so that he can get onto the account and cancel a historic subscription that he's forgotten about?

He'd received a "thank you for your payment" email straight after the password recovery email so I don't think so.
Seems like he re-activated if anything.

OP posts:
sunlovingcriminal · 21/06/2022 14:18

Ah! Less innocent then...

Original poster
MummyRR · 21/06/2022 15:32

Ladies I logged into his account...
Seems it's still an active membership.
I changed his password that was the only way I could get in.
It's a porn platform where you can favourite/follow/message 'creators'
He's not messaged anybody but he's favourited around 5 videos and 4 pages.
I'm quite shocked...
Seems like he has a fetish for the bigger, older woman. We are both in our early 30s.
There are pages of "plump lesbians" (quite literally the page name) and mature solo and big boobs.
I would never have put him down as having a fantasy of this, especially because I am quite the opposite.
Now I don't know whether to confront him about this?

OP posts:
sunlovingcriminal · 21/06/2022 15:48

What do you think will happen if you do confront him about this? And, if you don't, then how does that leave you feeling about him and the situation?

drlel · 21/06/2022 15:53

MummyRR · 21/06/2022 15:32

Ladies I logged into his account...
Seems it's still an active membership.
I changed his password that was the only way I could get in.
It's a porn platform where you can favourite/follow/message 'creators'
He's not messaged anybody but he's favourited around 5 videos and 4 pages.
I'm quite shocked...
Seems like he has a fetish for the bigger, older woman. We are both in our early 30s.
There are pages of "plump lesbians" (quite literally the page name) and mature solo and big boobs.
I would never have put him down as having a fantasy of this, especially because I am quite the opposite.
Now I don't know whether to confront him about this?

Strange as this is all stuff I'd imagine you can get for free?! But then I guess it can't be that uncommon to pay for it or they wouldn't be in business

(And I don't mean to downplay what your H has been doing, I'm more confused by the fact that men pay for something they can get free)

Littleraindrop15 · 21/06/2022 15:59

got to remember op what type of porn he watches doesn't really mean or reflect on your relationship with him. Don't compare yourself to it.

NFLBingo · 21/06/2022 16:04

I mean he’s going to figure out that somebody has been on it when his password has changed, so just say you know about it and ask why he lied. He should have just fessed up, a lot of men and women fantasise about the opposite of what they have and so actively look for that.
I do wonder though is it an email address he doesn’t use often or something? It’s just that I’m not sure how you ‘happened across’ an email from 4 months ago unless you were snooping through his emails, and if you were the question is why, did you suspect something?

Kitten2 · 21/06/2022 16:05

I'd hate this. I'd constantly feel like he wanted to be with someone like on the porn instead of with me. And be conscious of him looking at women that fit the description when out and about.

I've been there to some extent. An ex partner had a sexually fantasy / desire for large women and being small myself it just made me insecure.

Sorry I know the point is more about the paying for it aspect... I suppose it's not that unusual.

Allthecheeseplease · 21/06/2022 17:01

There are a few things here.

  1. Yes, he has lied - a huge breach of trust
  2. You don't "come across" mails like this. You were searching his email. This is also a huge breach of trust. Either you were snooping or already suspicious.
  3. As mentioned before, his porn preferences say nothing about you, fantasy is just that.
  4. He may have lied because he is embarrassed about his porn preferences.
  5. You need to talk to him - we can't give you the answers you're looking for
daretodenim · 21/06/2022 17:11

Lots of men's sexual fantasies, if we look at trends in free porn at least, involves some level of humiliation and/or subjugation of women. I would say that if we look at how fat women (I am one and I use that term as a biological reality, not a judgment) are are seen as "lesser than" in many ways sexually - think of jokes about the guy who has a one night stand with the fat girl who was left in the club at the end of the evening - then a) I think you have nothing to worry about in terms of what he thinks of your looks (ie he prizes how you look) and b) it says something about what he thinks of larger women.

As for the lying about the subscription, that's a different issue.

vitaminme · 21/06/2022 17:16

I don’t think lying is bad in this instance if it was only ever asked casually. I think society makes it awkward to admit and so, you lie. Easy.

Some people pay, I don’t know why he needs to but I know of others who use Reddit as porn rather than the more easily accessible and performative Porn Hub.

Theres a good book which analysed data trends on google and showed a large range of men like rape porn / sibling porn. Yet I’m sure if you met those people they’ve be disgusted at the thought of it in reality.

I’d leave him to it. I’d personally dislike the paying for porn - but if it’s his preferred site and he’s not crossing a relationship boundary you have - let him crack on

Knuckels · 21/06/2022 17:33

a lot of men and women fantasise about the opposite of what they have and so actively look for that.

I don't know about this one. My OH likes big and or curvy women. I highly doubt he'd be looking at a skinny, flimsy woman for pork had he got with his ideal type instead of me. I definitely feel the same as @Kitten2.

We've had a few issues with porn. It just makes me feel inadequate and like second best. I had the whole 'it's just a fantasy, don't worry' explanation and I don't buy it completely.

seaUrchinOne · 21/06/2022 18:20

If you're not happy with it tell him, so many women turn a blind eye to this rubbish.
If it was you getting off over other men, and paying to watch them, I wonder how he'd feel?
I hate to say it but perhaps it's not feeling the excitement with you anymore, everyone's different but I wouldn't put up with it.

NFLBingo · 21/06/2022 18:22

Knuckels · 21/06/2022 17:33

a lot of men and women fantasise about the opposite of what they have and so actively look for that.

I don't know about this one. My OH likes big and or curvy women. I highly doubt he'd be looking at a skinny, flimsy woman for pork had he got with his ideal type instead of me. I definitely feel the same as @Kitten2.

We've had a few issues with porn. It just makes me feel inadequate and like second best. I had the whole 'it's just a fantasy, don't worry' explanation and I don't buy it completely.

That’s why I said a lot of them, not all of them, but then it’s a fantasy not reality so why would you fantasise about what you already are accustomed to? I imagine all the women that have watch lesbian porn don’t suddenly decide they too are lesbians because they enjoy seeing naked women.

FWIW I’m not a fan of porn, especially if it causes issues elsewhere in the relationship, but everybody has different boundaries.

Knuckels · 21/06/2022 18:41

No I absolutely hear you, but re. Body type... I feel that's in different category. It's a preference whereas something like 'solo play' could be a fantasy. Not saying you're wrong, but if you're with someone curvy and you like curvy best, you'll probably just keep watching a curvy woman in different situations, doing different actions.

Anyway, I just don't go looking for trouble these days, not a fan of it either.

Jumpking · 21/06/2022 18:48

What's the name of the website?

I'll be honest, it sounds a bit more than porn to me. If he can message creators, it's more than just watching a video online.

Only you can decide how you take it from here. Think about how you'll feel if you hold it to yourself, knowing he's lied to you. Personally I'd struggle with that and need to talk about what I'd seen.

Fwiw, I disagree @Allthecheeseplease XH and I had free access to each others emails as we shared household admin. I came across the similar email to OP, as I was looking for something I thought had been put in the email bin. I found a whole load of other stuff in there as the twat hadn't emptied his bin.

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