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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't talk to anyone about this :(

67 replies

borndownsouth · 21/06/2022 11:37

My heads been stuck up my arse these past couple of weeks battling with my own thoughts and I cannot bring myself to talk to friends or family about what I'm dealing with.
I broke up with my ex in January, we had been together nearly two years and we had many ups and many downs as you'd expect. The arguments towards the end hit breaking point. Usually we would break up and get back together but I decided enough was enough and I left him. I absolutely adored him, he was everything to me. I wanted my future with him. The problem was I was further ahead in life, he was not ready for settling down or growing up and it caused many differences between us. Two months later I met my current partner who literally gives me the world. I cannot complain or say a bad word against him. He is mature, kind, loving, providing, everything that I wanted in a relationship.
Now 6 months later my ex has reached out and said he's realised what an idiot he's been, how much regret he has, punishes himself for the way he treated me, and would do anything to get me back, he's been showing me how much he's changed, how he knows what he wants in life and his future and saying all the shit I wanted to hear from him 6 months ago. I've told him I'm with someone now and that he needs to move on and I've blocked him but I can not stop thinking about him. It's made me realise I do still love him so much and my feelings are deep down so strong. I know if I wasn't in this relationship now I'd have gone to meet with him and talk. I just don't want to risk throwing away a good man and I feel like it's a battle with my head and my heart. I know the sensible safe option is stay where I am, but the love I have for my ex is so over powering, I keep thinking he's the one I'm meant to be with. It's now causing me to be distant with my partner, which is making me feel guilty and cruel. I need advice from strangers because battling my own thoughts is mentally draining me!!!

OP posts:
Bellyups · 21/06/2022 11:41

He hasn’t changed. I promise.

Regularsizedrudy · 21/06/2022 11:42

It’s all bullshit. It’s so easy to talk the talk and make promises. I wouldn’t believe him for a second.

PetersRabbitt · 21/06/2022 11:44

It’s so unlikely that he has actually changed.

ComfyChairPose · 21/06/2022 11:45

Ignore the x.

You'd be sabotaging if you threw what you wanted back in to the pond to chase after the x who has now miraculosly decided he wants you.

Hmmmm.

Only because he knows that's what he'd HAVE to offer to get you back.

I bet if you tested him by saying your new partner wouldnt commit either, he'd back down on his changes of heart

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2022 11:46

Clearly no great options have presented themselves in these last few months for him

Littlemissprosecco · 21/06/2022 11:48

Your x hasn’t changed, you were together two years, he had time to change then. Most likely is that he can’t find anyone who will put up with him like you did!
Stay put, you’ve got a man who loves you

Wnikat · 21/06/2022 11:48

Honestly I would expect mostly ups in the first two years. If the relationship was tempestuous that early on then you’re on to a loser. Relationships shouldn’t be that hard

ursuslemonade · 21/06/2022 11:49

Think back to the many arguments you've had before you broke up... do you really think he's changed?
Are you truly happy with your current man?

Comvit · 21/06/2022 11:49

How exactly has he been showing you that he's changed, OP?

I agree with PPs - he's had a few months without you, not had any better offers, realised life's shit alone, and so is saying what you want to hear to get you back.

SomePosters · 21/06/2022 11:50

There is no ‘the one’ and the idea is massively damaging.

there are varying levels of compatibility and varying levels of putting an effort on to make it work.

don’t sack off a decent person because you haven’t processed your feelings about your ex

he is your ex for a reason

Get some counselling and work on your self worth ❤️

youlightupmyday · 21/06/2022 11:51

Your ex and you have a dysfunctional relationship that will never improve. That is your dynamic with him. The push/ pull is like a drug addiction having withdrawal, so makes everything feel like a love/ obsession but is actually just a natural response. Dopamine withdrawal.etc. Doesn't mean anything in terms of love.

Bin him. He'll only make your life shit

marmiteandminticecream · 21/06/2022 11:53

stay strong and don't go back, of course he's telling you everything you want to hear
block him so he can't get in touch
remember all the reasons you argued
remember the day you thought thats it ive had enough it's over , stay focussed on that
if you go back your be back to square one this time next year
stay with the good man the one who makes you happy

ZekeZeke · 21/06/2022 11:59

The first two years with your ex should have been the honeymoon period not filled with arguments breaking up and misery.
He hasn't changed, he probably found out about your new man and wants you back as his toy.

Your new relationship sounds lovely but you sound like you miss the drama of your ex. The highs/lows. Look at how you have compared both men, look at your words.

It's not fair on your new relationship, you are saying you still love your ex.

Meeting after 2 months, this new relationship may be a rebound one. You met this new man in March? So it's relatively new. Have fun, don't dick him around. If you still really have strong feelings for your ex them break up with this new man and let him find someone who is free to love hi..

Blusteryday101 · 21/06/2022 12:02

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!

[There’s a reason why this saying has survived... because there is a lot of truth in it. Same with the grass is always greener etc ... .]

Your former bf is talking the talk ...but love is a verb..and your current partner is actually acting on his feelings rather than just talking about them. Only you can decide op, but I think it would be a shame if you destroyed this current relationship with a good man to go back to someone with whom you had a relationship with many "ups and downs" to use your words.

Some notional concept of love by itself is not enough when you are settling down and raising a family. You need someone who is kind, stable, loving and a good provider for that.

And besides, what decent man contacts an ex and declares their love, when he knows they are going out with someone else? Not very honourable is it? Just that action alone gives you a clue as to who he is.

HollowTalk · 21/06/2022 12:05

His life was easier with you in it and now he realises it. That's all. He hasn't changed. He won't change.

Beautiful3 · 21/06/2022 12:09

No. Dont do it. He hasn't changed, trust me.

borndownsouth · 21/06/2022 12:10

Thank you for all these responses, I think deep down I knew what others would say as I know this is what I would be telling my girlfriends in this situation.

I know that I met my current partner quite soon after and whether it's a rebound or not I'm not sure, I didn't go looking for him but he was in my life and offered to take me out some time and we just hit it off from there. He has shown me how relationships should be and that's why I've pursued this relationship as he treats me how I wanted my ex to.

I know men generally don't change, that's why I left him. But after 6 months of self reflection, can a man really change? Am I deluded to think this is possible?
I keep reminding myself of all the arguments and shit times to convince myself it's a terrible idea. Then I compare the good times with him, to the good times I have with my current partner (which I know I shouldn't), I can't help think I was more myself, more comfortable?

I briefly saw his social media before I blocked him and can see he's been recently doing more outdoorsy things on his own and bettering himself rather than the immature shit he used to do with me.

I know I should stay with my man who treats me right. I'm just struggling so bad to get the ex out my head and it's not fair on the guy who I should be loving and focused on

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 21/06/2022 12:14

A good relationship does not have to have all of the adrenalin highs and lows. But some people expect that excitement/drama, and if it's NOT there mistakenly feel it's not a real enough or good enough relationship.Actually, going through all that angst and drama sounds pretty shit, really.

catandcoffee · 21/06/2022 12:15

You say ' we had many ups and downs, as you would expect '

No,this is not what you expect in a relationship.. what makes you think this is typical in a 2 year relationship ?

Either give the decent guy up, right now, and go back to the 'many ups and downs one '

midairchallenger · 21/06/2022 12:17

Am I deluded to think this is possible?

Yes.

ilovelurchers · 21/06/2022 12:17

You don't have to stay with the new guy just because he is a nice guy who treats you well. Some of us want more than that - passion, excitement, lust... Do you feel these for the new guy? Maybe you do but just aren't mentioning it.

That is not to say that you shouldn't also want someone who treats you well. It is possible to find ALL these things.

So maybe neither of these fellas is actually the one for you? Maybe they both show you certain things you want in a relationship, but now you need to look for somebody who combines all the qualities you desire?

Never settle. In the long run it's not worth it.

ZigZagZen · 21/06/2022 12:21

If he has really changed then he would respect you enough to know that what he put you through was unforgivable. I look back at relationships that I was unkind in and I feel remorse but I wouldn't try to get back with them because it would be like him saying it's ok what I did. And it wasn't OK what I did.

Azandme · 21/06/2022 12:21

In all honesty it sounds like you need to be single.

The ex won't have changed, and you current bf deserves more than someone who would even consider this a choice - because if you really wanted to be with him you wouldn't be posting. Staying with him when you love someone else is unfair and unkind. It's also very selfish.

Be single until you've sorted yourself out and you're fully emotionally ready for a new relationship.

TryThisItHelps · 21/06/2022 12:22

I think…you’re going to leave Good Guy and give ex another whirl, because you feel drawn to, like a moth to a flame. And I think it will be massively painful and an absolute disaster.

Stiltonlover · 21/06/2022 12:28

The problem was I was further ahead in life, he was not ready for settling down or growing up and it caused many differences between us.

This was not your problem.

THIS was your problem:

we had been together nearly two years and we had many ups and many downs as you'd expect. The arguments towards the end hit breaking point. Usually we would break up and get back together

This sounds like an absolute nightmare relationship. Now he's future faking you with "what you could have won" lies, and you're falling for it.

I feel sorry for your current partner tbh. I think you need to be single for a bit and grow up.

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