I can't talk to anyone about this :(

[borndownsouth]

My heads been stuck up my arse these past couple of weeks battling with my own thoughts and I cannot bring myself to talk to friends or family about what I'm dealing with.
I broke up with my ex in January, we had been together nearly two years and we had many ups and many downs as you'd expect. The arguments towards the end hit breaking point. Usually we would break up and get back together but I decided enough was enough and I left him. I absolutely adored him, he was everything to me. I wanted my future with him. The problem was I was further ahead in life, he was not ready for settling down or growing up and it caused many differences between us. Two months later I met my current partner who literally gives me the world. I cannot complain or say a bad word against him. He is mature, kind, loving, providing, everything that I wanted in a relationship.
Now 6 months later my ex has reached out and said he's realised what an idiot he's been, how much regret he has, punishes himself for the way he treated me, and would do anything to get me back, he's been showing me how much he's changed, how he knows what he wants in life and his future and saying all the shit I wanted to hear from him 6 months ago. I've told him I'm with someone now and that he needs to move on and I've blocked him but I can not stop thinking about him. It's made me realise I do still love him so much and my feelings are deep down so strong. I know if I wasn't in this relationship now I'd have gone to meet with him and talk. I just don't want to risk throwing away a good man and I feel like it's a battle with my head and my heart. I know the sensible safe option is stay where I am, but the love I have for my ex is so over powering, I keep thinking he's the one I'm meant to be with. It's now causing me to be distant with my partner, which is making me feel guilty and cruel. I need advice from strangers because battling my own thoughts is mentally draining me!!!

But after 6 months of self reflection
He hasn't been doing self-reflection. He's been living his usual life but without you in it. He probably enjoyed it for a while but now realises it's crap and wants you back.

Can a man really change?
Maybe, maybe not. But your ex hasn't.

Am I deluded to think this is possible?
Yes

I keep reminding myself of all the arguments and shit times to convince myself it's a terrible idea. Then I compare the good times with him, to the good times I have with my current partner (which I know I shouldn't), I can't help think I was more myself, more comfortable?
It's not about individual arguments or shit times, or even good times, it's about the overall approach you both have to life which was incompatible. Don't fester on individual moments, think of the bigger picture. Just start being 'yourself' in your new relationship.

I briefly saw his social media before I blocked him and can see he's been recently doing more outdoorsy things on his own and bettering himself rather than the immature shit he used to do with me
He's carefully curating his socials to either (a) 'prove' to you that he's changing, and/or (b) trying to attract a new mate. Again, it's not about him going on a walk or clearing up his kitchen once in a while, it's about a whole approach to life.

He has shown me how relationships should be and that's why I've pursued this relationship as he treats me how I wanted my ex to
This speaks volumes. Keep reminding yourself of this.

Very good post

Sorry but putting pictures up on facebook doesnt prove hes changed-people put on a false image of how they live on sm all the time

personally i dont think you shold be with either of them-you broke up in januray how long was it before you were with your current dp

i dont think you were ready for a new relationship when you stil loved someone else

My ex did the same. He turned himself into Bear Grylls overnight. Wild camping, hiking and even yoga along with cheesy memes about finding his inner peace and losing his ego. Trust me. They don't change. Current man may not be the one for you but the ex certainly isn't. He'll continue to break your heart. If it was me I'd let current man go kindly. This is the standard you should expect for yourself going forward. But be single. Have fun! You know what you're looking for next time x

It can be really hard to let go of feelings so don’t be hard on yourself but do be truthful. The feelings you are focusing on are the ones for his best self and realistically he isn’t going to be that version of himself all the time no matter how much he has changed.
he wants you back as he knows what he’s getting but even if he has changed, you don’t know what you’re getting so why would you risk a good man on that gamble? It logically doesn’t make sense. On an emotional level the gamble is also quite significant as you will return to old patterns and feel less able to detach from this man.
you know deep down this is a non starter but I understand your wants. The thing is you can’t make someone into what you want - you can only keep looking for the right person

There are lots of women who get it into their head that a particular man is "the one" then set about trying to change him into what they want "the one" to be like. He's not going to change - don't try to change him because you can't.

There's a saying - a woman marries a man, hoping she can change him. A man marries a woman hoping she'll never change. Like most sayings there's some truth in it.

What were all these rows and highs and lows about during your time together? A relationship really shouldn't be that hard. But I suspect you will go back to him as you're addicted to the drama. The saddest thing is when children are born into these dysfunctional "can't live with him, can't live without him" relationships.

Yes!

l feel bad for your current partner.

Surely your bullshit meter is going wild OP?

I half want to suggest you finish with the new bloke thougb, because you're clearly not into him if you're considering going back the the ex.

Blocking him was the right response even if you did feel a bit "what if?" about it. Deep down, you know that when he was with you things weren't great all the time and were more volatile than they should have been. He may well have grown up a bit and improved his lifestyle, but he is still the same person. Please don't contact him as he was probably just fishing. In your head, just wish him well and wish him on his way.

The current guy seems nice so take it easy with him and if it isn't right, then let him go.

I know men generally don't change, that's why I left him.

You are correct and did the right thing.

But after 6 months of self reflection, can a man really change?

No. See above.

Am I deluded to think this is possible?

Yes. See above.

If he HAD genuinely changed, he'd see that you were happy with your DP and be happy for you. Not 'reach out' to get in your head and fuck it all up with his lies. Likewise, if you see from social media that he's living a better life now without you then be happy for him and cut all ties so he can find the right partner too.

You weren't good together. Your relationship sounds terrible for the first two years and this 'love' you feel is pure fantasy/brain chemicals/addiction to his drama. Remind him it's over for good, block him, stop looking at his social media and don't feed the fantasy any more. The only person you can change is you. Move on.

This. You should probably break up with current boyfriend and, if you feel you really must, meet up with ex. But not be in a relationship with either. How old are you?

Sounds like he’s taking you for a mug. Don’t let him.

I know I should stay with my man who treats me right

There are no shoulds. If you want someone else, you need to end this relationship. And if you want someone who isn't good for you, you need to learn to be happily single.

Im going to go against the grain here. I am with Mr Nice and it's an easy life but without passion, attraction, mental stimulation. He's safe, easy, no real arguments. My ex of fifteen years ago was the opposite, passionate, challenging and yes, we argued horrendously, however, we were both young, in our early 20s. I've calmed down so much since then and so has he. If we'd met now, I really think it would have worked.
If your good stable guy is also someone you fancy and someone who is your intellectual equal, fine, but if his only good qualities are being nice and sensible...it isn't really enough.

My advice is to never go backwards.

But after 6 months of self reflection, can a man really change?

Nope. Not a chance in hell.

Am I deluded to think this is possible?

Yes. Totally.

Social media is fake, it means nothing. People post to try and prove things about themselves to their audience.
If you hadn’t seen those posts, would you feel differently?

If I were your current partner, I'd want you to end it with me. It's not fair to settle for someone because he's sensible and safe whilst carrying such a huge inferno 0f a torch for someone else. He has a right to he with someone who feels that way about him.

Roller coasters and fun but you don't want to be on one all of the time do you?

Toxic and messy... 2 years and you were already having problems?? Says everything.

He is lonely. If he had met someone else he wouldn't be messaging you.

Don't go back. It never ever ends well. Stop romanticising it too.... clearly wasn't a loving healthy relationship.

Just because your new guy doesn't make you feel the way your ex did doesn't me a you should go back to your ex.

They're not your only 2 options in the world. It sounds like you feel like your current partner is more mature & sensible but I don't sense your crazy about him. And a man treating you nicely is "nice" but you deserve more than "nice" when you're looking to settle down long term.

I'd split with your current partner if you don't love him but I wouldn't go back to your ex either. Maybe be on your own for a bit.

You can get mature & ready to settle down with someone you're crazy about

100%!

End it with Mr Nice but dont hold out hope for Mr Lonely to suddenly change his actual behaviour. Words are cheap.

There are more men out there than these two. Go find your Mr Rightforyou 💕

Absolutely this.

He hasn't had a massive epiphany and changed his whole outlook on life and attitude to relationships in a mere 6 months.

He'll be bored or between women and views you, his ex, as an easy option. He knows what you want to hear, what buttons to push and couldn't give two hoots that you're in a good relationship already. He will enjoy the ego boost of your torment over him

Block him, put him out of your mind and spare yourself the 'mentally draining' 'battling thoughts' you describe. Instead turn yourself to your current relationship and consider how you want that one to proceed.