Awake and pondering the end of my long marriage

[dontknowhow2feela]

I'm awake again. Sleeping is not easy anyway but it's been worse since he told me it's over. We'd been together since the cusp of becoming adults. I care for him and know although we functioned well together it wasn't a full relationship of recent years. I was grateful when he stopped hugging me at night as it was just a distraction from whatever I was reading. My immediate response was relief when he told me. I know this is right but untangling our lives still hurts.

He is really trying to do this the 'right way' and end with me before he starts his new relationship but his new relationship has already started. He's been developing feelings for her over long Zoom chats through lockdown and met her a year ago for coffee without telling me. He tried to deny his feelings by talking about our future. Telling me he wanted to work on our relationship and reintroduce sex as we'd not been intimate for some years. I was initially excited when he said this. I'd always done the heavy lifting in the relationship but stopped 5 years ago or so when I said I'd match his input and if he wanted things to change he needed to step up. He did try a little of recent months and I felt awful that even though he was trying to instigate some intimacy I still wasn't really on board. I now know the reality is he didn't really want to work on it with me at all and it was a half hearted attempt. It makes sense I still wasn't getting any real connection from him as he was hugging his secret meeting and his burgeoning feelings to himself. His emotions were fully entangled with her.

He went on his 'first date' at the weekend and before he went I started divorce proceedings. He looked shellshocked. Apparently they discussed it afterwards and she was surprised it was so quick. Maybe she doesn't realise he has left me for her. Possibly they are both in a shared fantasy that the ending of this relationship has nothing to do with them being together. From my perspective when your DH tells you he is obsessed with a woman who has made major life decisions as a result of the strength of her feelings for him, it feels a bit late for HRT and relationship counselling! I care for him but I don't care enough about our relationship right now to fight for it.

I'm concerned for our young adult kids, one isn't taking it too well which is a real worry. but I grieve and mourn and am excited and relieved in equal measure. I know I will be ok and I know our relationship will be better as a result of this, whether we are apart for the rest of our lives or if our shared history and companionship brings us together at some unnamed point in the future...but right now it's hard and I wish I could get some sleep!

[everyonebutme]

Just wanted to wish you well. I've been where you are. My exH had an affair and we eventually ended up getting divorced. I really had trouble sleeping and found the whole process very hard. Even now, ten years on, I find it hard that my marriage ended and my children (who are now young adults) had to go through this. I'm just still very sad (and angry) that my life didn't turn out how I thought it would and it's a little bit like grieving.

[youlightupmyday]

There are two separate issues aren't there? You were no longer engaged fully in the relationship and are excited about your future and his exit affair and the hurt of that. No one fully culpable, no one covering themselves in glory either.

I was v scared leaving my marriage ( just a dead, sexless one). We are still good friends and socialise occasionally.

Over three years I did a post grad, changed careers, moved to a much smaller house, lost some friends but met the my next husband. I cannot tell ypu how happy i am now. I would even be happy on my own, which I never thought. My kids are good, I am financially independent and just feel 'in charge' of my life. It wasn't sunshine everyday for a while,but it is now ☺️

[dontknowhow2feela]

Thank you for the responses. I'd spent a couple of hours awake before writing it but then I felt tired and calm so I did end up sleeping for another hour. That's the best night so far I think!

Everyone I'm so sorry for what happened to you and that you are still carrying sadness and anger.

Light up you are right. Neither of us is covered in glory and no one truly culpable. I don't feel anger, people keep telling me it will come but I really don't feel angry with anyone.

I know I will be fine in a smaller house and feel I would be happy alone. Even though it's early days, I can even think there may be a space for someone else in my life. I wanted it to be him but I didn't need him like I used to. Therefore I put the next big relationship shift in his hands rather than me forcing it as I have in the past and accepted what will be will be. This is what happened when he was in the driving seat rather than a passenger and that is ok. I do hope we remain friends and think there's a very good chance we will. I'm so happy to read you are happy. It helps

[youlightupmyday]

There will be days when you panic, feel sad, scared, lonely, angry, hurt, rejected. BUT they really do pass and are situational. As your new life grows and develops it just gets better and better. Rome was built in a day, take small steps and you'll go in the right direction. Things have a way of working out.

I am now planning my retirement to Mallorca with my boyfriend. What I always wanted and couldn't have done with my ex. It is so, so exciting. We will marry in a couple of years but am not in a rush to do that either...

And... the sex... oh my god. I thought I was dead. But no, new love is like young love. One of the best discoveries of all

[billy1966]

Change can be hard even for young adults.

They want their parents to be settled, safe and available to them.

The upset they feel is for themselves and not you.

If you can both remain polite and civil it will go such a long way towards easing the transition of it for them.

I think it is very normal to have a really mix of emotions, but the tone of your posts are largely positive, optimistic, and accepting.

Of course you won't always feel like that, and have doubts, but overall I think you know this could be positive for you.

[TortugaRumCakeQueen]

It's entirely normal to have these feelings, you are human! However, it comes across to me that this IS something that you want, so hold on to that.

Of all of my friends and neighbours, I only know of ONE couple that are still in their first marriage. And even then, he had an affair when they were young.

So basically, everyone else is on their 2nd marriages, and in all cases they have been the better marriages. In my experience, some people in their 20's are so desperate to have the whole wedding and baby thing, they choose perhaps not as wisely as they would later in life. And I think it's natural for things to wane when you are 45 (say), and still with the same person you met at 17. You start to wonder what you've missed out on. This is especially true for men I think - aka the mid-life crisis that so many seem to have!

Maybe 2nd marriages are a bit easier too, because you often don't have children together, you are more financially stable, less prone to drama, and I think mostly less prone to cheat, as you've grown up a lot.

My advice would to be to plan your new life, be open to dating, but not desperate, be kind to yourself, put yourself first for once! After a few years, you will have a completely new life that you love, I promise.

[dontknowhow2feela]

Thank you for your replies. I've re-read them all day in odd moments at work but only just been able to grab a brief moment to reply.

I felt really calm this morning and was in a peaceful place with everything. Then he sent me a message about something he had done done weeks ago with one of the kids that made it really obvious how detached he has been from me lately. He hadn't told me about something fairly significant and not at all secret.

Shit I really can't believe this is happening. It's all so unreal! Everyone is totally shocked, it's so out of character. Your messages have really helped.

[dontknowhow2feela]

Here I am, awake again. I managed an hour and half and ping...wide awake.

I thought I'd get up and type rather than lay in bed thinking. It helped me sleep last night so...

I attended a support group for recently separated people today. Mine was the most recent by a long way. I am doing ok, I know I am doing ok.

Tortuga you said you are reading that I want this but I really don't. I don't want this at all but I accept it. I'm determined this will be the making of me and I will not view it as a negative. Our relationship is not a failure, it has been a GOOD marriage. It may have run its course but it is not defined by the end. It served us both for many years and we are both better people for the time we've had together.

I know he feels the same way. He told me again today he still loves me but no matter how much he cares he can't not do this as his feelings for her are so strong.

He does strive to do this well and is agreeable to me having the lions share of the house so I won't need a mortgage on a smaller place. I earnt more than him for years until we reached wage equality a few months before I became pregnant for the first time. He is a much higher earner than me now, whilst my CV is a mess of jobs fitted around kids and him. I've been working full time for a couple of years now and have been given an opportunity for progression at work but the reality is there is a ceiling on what I can achieve.

However I've just realised, I could study. I'd get loans etc without his wage supporting me. Currently I am only qualified to GCSE level and this may be an opportunity to change that.

Still worried about one of my kids and the concern is growing. They need to know where we are as they are bound to find out soon. I'm trying to smooth the path to them understanding what's going on but am terrified. I'm wondering about just jumping on a train tomorrow and going to be with them for a bit.

Feeling sleepy again now, I'm going to see if I can settle down for a while.

[youlightupmyday]

You can study! It is the first thing I did. I did a post grad dip, after never finishing my first degree. I did it at 44 and was not the youngest there.

That was the first step in my new life and I really would recommend it. It helps to define the new you and the opportunities/ pathways for your new life.

You say you don't want this but want to make the best of it but I wonder if that is just because of the change. It is so hard to envisage a new reality out of nowhere. The way you talk about the lack of connection in your marriage, were you really happy or just reasonably settled? Not to knock that, but there is more out there.

[Onthedunes]

Hope you are ok op, you have much to think about, the future, the past, many emotions including hope mixed in with sadness.

You say you don't want the marriage to end but accept it.

Can I ask how long he has known this ow, was she a work colleague? How long have you been together.

It all sounds quite painful watching him put into play his new relationship whilst you are still together, could he not move out. Have you thought about what will happen if this friendship of his ends, would you have him back, because this happens a lot.

Your post probably resonates with many women in long marriages, a feeling of putting all into the marriage and then expecting some kind of return and it doesn't happen, resentment builds and then a standoff, where neither party shows emotion.

Do you think he is trying to get a rise from you, for you to be jealous and want him or fight for him?

Make sure you get what you are entitled to and in my opinion don't be surprised if this relationship of his doesn't work out and he wants back.

[dontknowhow2feela]

I took control today and told my children where we are at. I did it alone without him. I decided I didn't need to work with him any more and to try and rescue some of the mess around telling the kids (I won't go into that here) I was going to manage the process this time. One was ok, as expected. Then I drove to the other end of the country to tell the other. I might be here a while now. I'm very worried about their MH.

Dunes We've been together 33 years. He worked with her a year before lockdown and then they've been talking for 18 months during lockdown.

I do believe there was nothing between them when in the office. He said he felt they would probably have had an affair if not for lockdown but I pointed out he is re-writing history. He always said we'd get on really well and was planning for us to meet up and all happened at home so it didn't feel 'wrong'. He would have noticed if he'd been going out with her. I stated this wasn't inevitable and he did concede this. All of these ideas are obviously new to him as I can see the dawning realisation whenever I counter the Romeo and Juliet narrative.

He is definitely not trying to get a rise out of me. Neither of us play those kind of games. He has not done this lightly.

I am aware it may fizzle out and so is he. I'm not sure if I would take him back. I've already said we would need a break and masses of counselling if so.

The plan is for him to move out and rent in a month or two but to keep the house for now and to drag the divorce out a bit for breathing space.

Light up I was thinking about your message whilst I was driving today. The air conditioning was ruffling my hair as I considered all the things I haven't done whilst I was with him that I can do now.

Life with him would have meant familiarity, security, contentment, companionship. I would have been perfectly happy. Life without is excitement, new challenges, growth, I will also be happy. I will be fine no matter what.

[VodselForDinner]

You write beautifully, OP.

I’m sorry that this is happening to you and your children.

[Libertybear80]

You write very eloquently. Perhaps that's your new direction? You sound sorted actually.

[billy1966]

Make sure the drawn out divorce is what you want and not a soft landing for him.

I would strongly recommend some therapy with your daughter, while you are with her, maybe a session or two and put it in place to support her.

Obviously reiterating that this is a positive, respectful decision between her parents.

I am with my husband 33 years too and it is a long time.

Far better for YOU to frame it as final so that you make decisions that are best for you alone.

The cynic in me would think that financially it would be better to finalise your divorce whilst he is agreeable....before he starts making expensive plans for the future and perhaps rethinks his "generosity".

[goldfinchonthelawn]

You may not feel it right now, but reading your OP, I have a strong sense of: This woman is going to be fine. This is the right thing for her. She is sane and balanced and will be glad, long term, that she isn't having to keep the pretence going any longer.

[Iamnotamermaid]

I think you are both doing the right thing. The girlfriend is almost irrelevant here. Neither of you are happy or invested in this relationship and have not been for a while. It is probably time to move on amicably & wish each other the best.

Any change is stressful but once you have that feeling of been in control again it will get better.

[youlightupmyday]

I am sorry your daughter is struggling. Things will start to take shape, it is daunting but small steps lead to massive changes and if you are calm and don't panic you will make good choices for you. Your life will start now and grow. And you can take a few missteps, I know I did but over time it all evens out.

Think phoenix!

[dontknowhow2feela]

Good morning everyone, I didn't go to bed until 2pm but I've only just woken up. I slept

My DC was able to open up more about where they are which was scary but at least now there's conversation. It's not lost on me that he Is now talking so DC is now talking. I think I've often been viewed as low-key hysterical and harder work because I will insist on discussing things. That view seems to have changed now which is so much healthier.

That's the only reason I would consider taking him back. He is now talking and trying really hard to be open in a way he's never been. OW is definitely getting the best of him.

Mermaid I agree OW is almost irrelevant and have been saying to people this is the right thing and we have been together too long, even when they are telling me I should be angry and want to chop his balls off! I know the only way our marriage has a remote chance of survival is for this to play out now. We would both need to actively choose each other rather than the plodding we were doing.

I think that's why it doesn't feel so painful for him to be starting something with OW. I saw him leave to be with her for their date and felt it was right. Any romantic relationship between us will need to start from scratch. We do have history to prove it can be done but just because it can be done, doesn't mean it should.

I feel in a conflicted place, happy to still support him to some degree (I'm not hanging up his washing now) but aware doing so helps him in his new relationship. It's a balancing act at the moment. Much as I feel this has to play out, I'm not cheering him on!

[youlightupmyday]

It doesn't matter what they say. There is a lot of projection from other people on what one should feel and do. You have a considered view of your marriage. And are self aware to know that it takes two. He doesn't sound like a player but the confiding in you is still a bit disrespectful.

When covid hit, my ex and I decided to live together for a bit with the kids. We were both seeing other people then and bizarrely had some really good chats. It definitely brought is closet. Until he took shitty legal advice and we had our day on court. I hated him then, but the judgements came down on my side so we worked through it and are back to friendly. It is a journey, sometimes painful journey but a good attitude has the most power.

[bembridge11]

This relationship is over - has been for years
You are now mourning the end of the functional marriage
Only other path is an open marriage where you are both free to have love, intimacy and sex with others.
But noone should be expected to live a sexless existence - that is a horrible existence for anyone

[billy1966]

OP,

I think you will be fine.
But make sure your generosity in this situation isn't self harming.

You have every right to protect yourself.

Putting down your thoughts before sleeping is such a healthy way to aid a good nights rest.

Putting them in order can give you respite from them!

[dontknowhow2feel]

bembridge I initially read your comment defensively but then realised I've compromised that part of myself for years. I'm more adventurous and had a much higher sex drive initially. He had an issue that he didn't deal with that impacted on him wanting sex for quite some years so I shut that side of me down rather than disrupt our family. I've reluctantly admitted to myself that the results of him dealing with it unfortunately actively reduced my desire for him. I didn't tell him and wouldn't have left him over it but I did tell him I needed him to put effort in rather than it all be down to me and told him what I needed. His recent attempts were the barest minimum which were still more than I'd had before. It would be something I would be able to voice now though if it were on the cards to try again.

I'd mentioned an open relationship but he flatly refused. He's placed an importance on sex as being the indicator he is in a new relationship but I feel you can shag someone and leave them, it's the emotional connection that's more of a betrayal for me.

Lightup there's a limit to what I'll accept him confiding

Billy there's also a limit to my generosity. I'm not giving more than it serves me to. I am very intentional with my boundaries.

[youlightupmyday]

The thing is you are in a wise, benevolent mode, he is in an infatuated mode. You can be like this further down the road but you need to be slightly more calculated to ensure your emotional and financial needs are met. He ( I am being generous) is getting all his needs met, by you and the OW. You should focus on realising your actual needs.

[dontknowhow2feela]

Thanks light up, I do feel like I am focussing on my needs. I've had an appointment with a solicitor and as I have dealt with the money throughout our entire relationship I know exactly where it all is and how much there is.

I instigated the divorce and although I'm not planning to push it through at this stage, it's started so can be edged along whenever I want.

I am balancing living with him as it's in both of our interests financially to wait a couple of months to settle financial commitments and we do get on so it's not really an issue at the moment.

He's got some time away planned and I can do the same.

I have lots of friends and family who are there for me and I've been to a couple of 'meetups' to get me out socialising.

Today I paid for a week on Bumble to see who is lout there. I have absolutely no intention of taking it anywhere just yet but it is on my radar. I realised I was turned off by anyone looking for life-long relationships. so I might be in a position to have some short term fun at some point

I have investigated volunteering and rejoined the gym.

We had a house valuation today and he called me excitedly because the house is worth significantly more than we planned for. When questioned what was wrong I pointed out I'm not excited about selling the house and the additional money will still be swallowed up buying two properties. I am keen it doesn't result in him needing a smaller mortgage so the extra is all in his pocket which he said he would not pursue. He is keen to not be a dick as he's been a big enough dick already. He said it is better for us but I pointed out there is no more 'us'. We are working to make this as fair as possible but his 'us' is now him and OW. Another moment of silent realisation from him...

[Onthedunes]

Another moment of silent realisation from him...

I like your style op.

I've got a feeling he's going to regret this.