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Original poster

Boyfriend has booked a 2 week solo trip without discussing it with me

91 replies

SilentG1 · 20/06/2022 19:07

Hes booked 2 weeks in Vietnam with one of those 30-40 solo travel groups.
Told me today- he's going in a weeks time. We don't live together but it would have been nice to at least be involved slightly and reassured for the reasons he's going.
Instead I just got a bit blindsided this morning with a text saying "I've booked a 2 week trip to Vietnam and I'm leaving on Sunday"

Our relationship hasn't been the most solid lately and we've been working to get things back on track, which I think is why this makes me feel worse than it should.

I would have loved to have gone with him and can't help feeling like this is a bit of a slap in the face, especially as this will now be using up all his holiday time that we could have spent together.

Am I right feeling a bit put out or should I just be wishing him well and that be it?
Been together over 2 years but had a break in that time (instigated by him)

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 20/06/2022 19:57

Oh...and your answer to "He won't get the opportunity to do it again" should be "You won't get the opportunity to do it TO ME again".

girlmom21 · 20/06/2022 19:58

If he wanted you there he'd have told you he wanted you there.

Two years of on and offs in your 30s doesn't bode well for a long and happy relationship. I'd cut your losses.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2022 20:00

He has a 2 month break between jobs which is why he has booked it now specifically. He said he "won't get the opportunity to do it again"

You said in the beginning that he would be using up his holiday time. Now you say he's going on a break between jobs, so obviously holiday time won't be used. So which is it?

Catlover1970 · 20/06/2022 20:01

SilentG1 · 20/06/2022 19:47

I asked him why he didn't discuss it with me first and he said he had.
About 2 months ago he mentioned when eating dinner that he might do a trip in the summer. Nothing since then has been mentioned. He also said he didn't think I would be able to afford it (debatable) and wouldn't be able to get the time off work (not true) which is why he didn't ask me.

It just feels so water off a ducks back to me "it's only 2 weeks, it's not like I'm going travelling for months"
Hes acting like it's not a big deal at all and it's making me feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill when really I feel quite upset and not considered at all.

He is totally taking the piss. Doesn’t bode well for the future with this selfish prick. I think you need to accept this isn’t longterm and he has zero respect for you

Original poster
SilentG1 · 20/06/2022 20:01

MuddlerInLaw · 20/06/2022 19:54

You’re still not listening, OP …

Your relationship has been rocky. You’ve said he instigated the time out. He wanted to break up then. Somehow you apparently got back together. But he wants out. He has deliberately chosen somewhere he’s sure you can’t follow him. He needs to believe you can’t afford it and can’t get the time off - because he doesn’t want you with him.

No I'm fully aware he doesn't want me there so I'm not already sure why he bothered saying that. When I mentioned that I could have done it with him he said "but this is for me"
It's not even the fact he's going away, more how he's dealt with it.
If he had spoken to me before booking and said "I want to do a solo trip for xyz reasons, but I want you to know you have nothing to worry about because our relationship is important to me and i wanted to involve you in this discussion as your feeling are also to be considered. How do you feel about this?"
But he didn't and that says a lot.

OP posts:
SomePosters · 20/06/2022 20:02

This is why I’m not a wife!

I can’t imagine feeling entitled to an opinion on wether someone goes on holiday unless we had caring responsibilities together!

he didn’t invite you because he wants to go without you, some people like to travel alone and he shouldn’t need your permission for that!

if you want to go on holiday with him then suggest and help plan one bit if you’re not being actively invited to this one take a hint.

if you want to be in the ‘you’re my whole world and we go everywhere together’ kind of relationship then you need to discuss that with him and see if that’s where he’s at too

girlmom21 · 20/06/2022 20:06

If he had spoken to me before booking and said "I want to do a solo trip for xyz reasons, but I want you to know you have nothing to worry about because our relationship is important to me and i wanted to involve you in this discussion as your feeling are also to be considered. How do you feel about this?"
But he didn't and that says a lot.

This feels off to me. Are you always this needy?

Original poster
SilentG1 · 20/06/2022 20:06

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2022 20:00

He has a 2 month break between jobs which is why he has booked it now specifically. He said he "won't get the opportunity to do it again"

You said in the beginning that he would be using up his holiday time. Now you say he's going on a break between jobs, so obviously holiday time won't be used. So which is it?

Sorry I meant the time he has free to go on holiday while he isn't working.
He's told me when he starts his new job there won't be an opportunity to go away for a while due to the nature of the job and the high level position he is holding so these couple of months would have been the only chance this year apparently.

OP posts:
SomePosters · 20/06/2022 20:06

And I dont think it’s reasonable to expect him to tell you he’s not going to cheat on you.
that should be assumed once its been agreed.
he shouldnt have to repeatedly defend himself (unless he’s given you reason in the past in which case just bloody stop already!)

MuddlerInLaw · 20/06/2022 20:07

I didn’t mean “He wants a holiday alone”.

I meant “ He no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, but you don’t seem to be listening. So he is running away to somewhere you won’t follow, and hoping that you will understand the relationship is over”.

BlanketsBanned · 20/06/2022 20:07

He is an unreliable, independent boyfriend going on holiday for 2 weeks, not your husband who is off leaving you and the kids at home.what is the point in discussing it, what would he do if you said you want to come, you don't want him to go, he would go anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2022 20:08

SilentG1 · 20/06/2022 20:06

Sorry I meant the time he has free to go on holiday while he isn't working.
He's told me when he starts his new job there won't be an opportunity to go away for a while due to the nature of the job and the high level position he is holding so these couple of months would have been the only chance this year apparently.

Show quote history

I still fail to see your issue with you having a holiday with him. He's going to have a couple of months off, and he's only going on this trip for 2 weeks. There's loads of time left.

DrunkAndAlone2 · 20/06/2022 20:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

girlmom21 · 20/06/2022 20:10

so these couple of months would have been the only chance this year apparently

So plan something for the other 6 weeks.

Oestrogelsmuggler · 20/06/2022 20:12

He is demonstrating that he doesn't respect you enough to communicate carefully and thoughtfully.

In contrast, a few months ago I had a really MH wobble having made huge life changes; I was feeling overwhelmed. I talked at length with my partner about how she would feel if I booked a holiday alone. (I could afford it, the money was mine to spend etc). She was very supportive. I talked about the dates, and checked they were ok. I had her full backing (she drove me to their airport early one morning) and while I was there I called her every night because I missed her and wanted to reassure her all was well.

That's how it should have happened for you.

Sittingonabench · 20/06/2022 20:15

We’ll I can see why you’re hurt but equally I can see where he may be coming from. You don’t live together, have shared finances, shared obligations or children - so he may feel that this is the last chance to really own his own time before all of that comes along. Having to consult you as to what you think is like asking permission which he may feel he doesn’t have to do as it is his time and money and two weeks is not a long separation. He may not want you to come along because he wants to experience things as an individual and with a break between jobs he has the perfect opportunity. I think he wants to feel freedom - not really in terms of finding someone new but on a deeper - not accountable to anyone and to a certain degree I think it’s good for people to experience that (including you) while they can

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 20/06/2022 20:17

It sounds like you think he’s your partner and he thinks you’re just ‘seeing each other’. Neither of you are right.

Somewhere along the line, one or both of you have failed to spot that you’re not on the same page. The questions you need to ask are: a) are you happy with casual? B) if not, do you think that could change in the future for him? C) even if you think he might just need more time to catch up to where you are, are you prepared to wait?

Honeyroar · 20/06/2022 20:18

SilentG1 · 20/06/2022 20:06

Sorry I meant the time he has free to go on holiday while he isn't working.
He's told me when he starts his new job there won't be an opportunity to go away for a while due to the nature of the job and the high level position he is holding so these couple of months would have been the only chance this year apparently.

Show quote history

That speel is another way of making sure he doesn’t have to go away with you later. And your comprehension of him not reassuring that it wouldn’t affect your relationship, him being away solo, was right too - he didn’t because he doesn’t care enough. He’s being a coward, and cruel. He needs to do the decent thing and end it, rather than living a single life while you trot along behind bemused.

Its not nice, but I’d be inclined to gather up your pride and dump him. This relationship has a slow puncture.

Carly248 · 20/06/2022 20:19

End it!

Original poster
SilentG1 · 20/06/2022 20:19

girlmom21 · 20/06/2022 20:10

so these couple of months would have been the only chance this year apparently

So plan something for the other 6 weeks.

We are already nearly halfway through the 2 months.
We had a trip planned 2 weeks ago (just a UK break) but we decided not to go due to the weather being a wash out all week so that never happened and trying to get anything else booked has just been like pulling teeth (probably as he knew he would be doing this)

OP posts:
DomPerignon12 · 20/06/2022 20:20

It's natural to talk about things like this in a relationship!
He doesn't have to ask your permission, but he should want to talk to you about it.
The fact the he didn't ... and thinks it's no big deal...
Just dump him already

GinIronic · 20/06/2022 20:24

It’s over. He’s moved on. You should do the same.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/06/2022 20:29

Is he really going to Vietnam though? I thought travel there from UK was still limited (from the UK government website). I haven’t researched it properly recently, only a bit as I wanted to go this year.

Crimeismymiddlename · 20/06/2022 20:34

Sorry op, I agree with others he is looking for a big life change, you have been on a ‘break’ which we all know is code for trying to break up, the relationship is not in a great place and he did not mention he was on his holidays until now. It’s over, get your stuff before he goes or you will never get it back.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 20/06/2022 20:35

Big red flags are flying here

He hasn't told you

You don't live together

You've been on and off

I don't think he's actually that bothered if I'm honest I'd just end it save yourself the stress

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