Dating - Embarassingly out of touch

[SevenDaysinSunnyJune]

Hey everyone,

Long time lurker who could use some dating advice.

I am late 20's and embarassingly out of touch with the dating scene.

I took quite an extended period of time off dating due to personal reasons!

Decided to get back in the game and downloaded the horror that is Tinder ( in fairness I have two friends who met their long-term partners this way )

It was a disaster and something I won't be doing again!

A friend of mine said she wanted to introduce me to her boyfriends friend...I much prefer meeting guys this way so was up for it!

At this point she hadn't actually met her bf's friend in person yet but when she did meet him for the first time she said he mentioned meeting me to her, so her boyfriend must have mentioned me to his friend.

She didn't want to make it too awkward and arrange a one on one so she told him we would go out as a group..Myself and my other friend had plans for the next lot of weeks though so was hard to arrange it, and apparently he mentioned meeting me to my friends bf a few times.

He obviously got fed up waiting to go out as a group as he asked for my number and it was passed on to him. Asked me out last weekend but I actually couldn't go, but said I could go the following weekend...however he is actually on a trip back home for one month (isn't from the UK) so he couldn't do that.....he asked me to meet up during the week before he left but I work east coast USA hours so that isn't suitable for me.

We said we would do something when he gets back...he has sent very chatty messages the past week but takes a day to respond, so sends one once a day, so do I.

Since he went away though he hasn't replied to my last message sent like 3 days ago.

I know, I know, I haven't met him, I don't particularly care...but in terms of moving forward with dating,...I am looking to settle down.

In the past I always acted like the 'cool girl' , never communicated what I want and always got shat on from a great height by time wasters. Whereas friends of mine said early on to guys they were looking for something serious and it worked out!

So yes, I can't much be bothered with back and forth texting anyway whilst he is away....but if he leaves text messages unanswered...is it more likely he is only looking for Casual? My friend has told me he really, really wants a girlfriend and to settle down and he isn't a player!

So I'm just not sure if he asks me out when he comes back if I should even go? What's the point if he is only looking casual?

Does anyone have any advice on this? Or is the lack of response okay as we haven't actually met yet!

Sorry for the bloody essay, but hideously out of touch and I find dating threads on here really interesting!

Thanks in advance.

Did your message ask a question?

Lol sorry,

I got a bit carried away with my essay...

Well yea I guess I'm asking with dating in real life...(I know it's common on dating apps to ghost/stop replying to messages)

But if someone who I would be meeting through a friend does that before meeting...is it a sign they aren't fussed/aren't looking for a relationship/just looking for fun?

I have to add he seemed very keen to meet and kept saying 'that's a shame you can't meet up before I go away'

Friend insists he is not the player type...

But I'm really only dating for a relationship! I think I need to be more vocal about what I want...I've seen friends do this and get exactly what they want out of it...

As one of my friends said to me , if it scares someone off that you want a relationship, they aren't the right one for you!

Oh sorry I meant did you ask him a question 😆

Haha @MincedMalbec sorry for the confusion 😂

I actually did yes, I asked him if he had gone on his travels yet, as I wasn't sure what day he was going...but no response

He has been super chatty in messages up until then!

I guess I'm just thinking it could be a case of 'he's just not that into you' before anything even starts...in which case I'm wondering if I should bother meeting up with him!

If you click with someone you’ll both keep messaging is my experience whatever the dating platform. Maybe just send one saying “hope you’re having a great time and if you fancy going out for a drink when you’re back let me know”

Nothing's wrong. You are both very busy with incompatible schedules and haven't met. he has no responsibility towards you or answering messages within a set time. He's never met you! Relax. When he gets back, meet up and take it from there. But make an effort to have some free time. It's quite revealing that you want a boyfriend but neither your work scheduke nor your social life allow space for a date for weeks on end. Make space!

Also agree with @goldfinchonthelawn

@MincedMalbec - yea that's why I am hesitant to meet when he comes back now. I guess from previous long ago experience the keen ones will just keep messaging. I don't want to send another one as my last one was pretty chatty etc.

@goldfinchonthelawn - very true. I know he has never met me etc and doesn't owe me anything/I don't know him anything! ...I know I totally agree, I won't be on this work schedule forever, if I can help it...I'm literally on a different time zone from everyone lol....he first asked to meet in February...so I'm hoping it does actually happen! The thought of going on those dating apps again 🤢🥴

Hey Op, dating is a bugger isn't it. Yeah, you could read into 'the keen ones keep messaging' but that can also work the other way, as we know, the love bombers love the messaging.
You're doing good! I would stay as calm as you can, you've not met, but both know you're keen to meet someone - verified by friends on both sides, good sign. More than most people know at this stage. Bit of messaging but not too much is nice. Remember you might get there & decide he ain't for you, so you'll have stressed over nothing. Absolutely spot on, you need to be clear to all dates your looking for long term, all and the things you want.

Dating apps do work, but they take practice & you gotta know yourself.

@KittyRedSocks - it is truly a nightmare. I don't think I know what to do for the best anymore...

Whatever I do seems to be the wrong thing!

In the past I always acted cool as a cucumber, 'oh I don't care if you are seeing other girls' type thing...then would always get f**ked over. My friends laid their cards on the table early on and it all worked out for them....

I tried to do that with OLD and got the absolute piss taken out of me. Men who seemed to take pleasure in leading me on, knowing I was looking for something more serious than what they were!!

I don't think I could do OLD again, so so disheartening. Some of them are very skilled liars.

Also,

Does anyone know if the book such as 'why men love birches' works??

Just looking at it on Amazon and considering buying LOL...

It's just everything I do seems to bloody backfire...I've been the ice queen to guys before and taken 'treat them mean keep them keen' a tad to far...and yep...backfired!

Sorry, on a bit of a rant this evening 🥴

*bitches LOL

You won't know if you are compatible just from messaging, you need to spend some time together. So he won't know if he is keen or not yet, neither will you.

Stay in touch, when he is back make it a priority to meet each other.

Never read it but just be yourself! and possibly you were unavailable and that’s just it. It takes a while to realise that everyone can’t just like you. May not be the case here but something you have to realise is not a reflection on you if you’re going to start dating x it’s hardcore and I’ve been burned by nice guys who are just not ready either. You have to be good in your own skin first and I wasn’t but dating definitely helped me sort myself out! Hope that makes sense!

@hopelesslydevotedtoGu - yea I guess I was just pondering if I should even bother meeting up if he hasn't replied to the last message!

@MincedMalbec - no I'm not sure what you mean? Do you mean I was unavailable so that's why it didn't work out with guys in the past? I'm not that great in my own skin atm, did you find dating actually helped you with that?

It's all just a mind f**k. I mean there was one guy from OLD who I liked who strung me along, told me he wanted a relationship, was only dating to find that...then asked for causal...I gave him a very sharp and pretty rude answer as I was so pissed off...then after me being really rude to him that actually seemed to make him more keen! Sending me nicey nicey messages when before he would ignore mine!..

I mean WTF

Sort of makes me thing 'treat em mean keep em keen' can work...

As a bloke dipping my toe into dating I’d say steer clear of anything like that. Be yourself, don’t play games, don’t stick to some stupid “rules”. Message first if you want to, reply quickly if you want, just be normal

@FloydPepper - I've tried being myself with OLD and it didn't bloody work...

Is it not true if a guy likes you he will message first always etc?

You haven't even met him yet, so you cannot be thinking about what it is he wants/and what his messaging means. I would politely let him know that you look forward to catching up in person when he's back but aren't big on texting table tennis till you've had an actual date. Then just stop messaging and wait till he's back - if he still fancies a date and you actually click, then you can start worrying about this stuff. Always good to be upfront, and let someone know you don't do casual, but only if you actually meet and like them.

And that's really the philosophy you need to apply to any sort of dating - irl or online. Don't invest or waste time and emotion on guys until you know what YOU want from them. There are also no easy answers, everyone takes their own time and pace to decide what they want. All you should focus on is whether their time/pace/communication suits you.

You will need a thick skin and the ability to learn from and appreciate the failed experiences - not turn angry, bitter, resentful with rejection. See men as vulnerable and flawed as you - they don't have all the answers either! Figure out your boundaries, stick with them and communicate them. Please don't follow any of these rules or dating books either - they were written for a certain time and not relevant to men your age. Just do what comes naturally and feels comfortable - can't go far wrong with that.

If you’re yourself and it doesn’t work then that’s a good thing, shows it wasn’t going to work. You’ll only get something enduring by being genuine.

I hate the whole “he should message first” thing. What’s wrong with a woman messaging, or asking someone out, or arranging a date, or (shock horror) paying.

be you. They’ll either like it, or it wasn’t right anyway

Good advice

not just blokes her age tbh. Im old enough to be her dad and I think it’s all bollocks.

It's all just a mind fk. I mean there was one guy from OLD who I liked who strung me along, told me he wanted a relationship, was only dating to find that...then asked for causal...I gave him a very sharp and pretty rude answer as I was so pissed off...then after me being really rude to him that actually seemed to make him more keen! Sending me nicey nicey messages when before he would ignore mine

In this example, he still didn't want a relationship with you... The nicey nice messages are irrelevant. Unless he was a monster he wouldn't want to upset or hurt you. None of that changes the fact that he met you, decided that you're not the right girl for him and casual is all he wanted with you. In this situation I wouldn't have thought "oh i'm treating him mean, so he's keen. That's what I need to do in future".

I'd be thinking, "I'm not his cup of tea but he doesn't want to burn a bridge in case he changes his mind later. But I want more than that, so he isn't right for me. Next!".

And carry on being myself, not thinking my being rude suddenly changed his mind. So not a mind fuck at all unless you make it one by reading more into his behaviour to avoid dealing with rejection - which is all it boils down to.

@hotcoldnotsold - thanks for your message. He didn't respond to my last message from three days ago where I asked a question ..so it's actually him that has stopped messaging! 🥴....that's why I am not sure if I should even bother with meeting up with him when he is back...he probably isn't interested.

Great advice- not sure if I should even invest my time on a date with this one if he ignored my message, if you see what I mean! Anytime I've tired to communicate my wants and boundaries I've basically been laughed it...men from OLD!

@FloydPepper - yea some of it does seem nonsense! However, it does tie in with the guy only being really nice to me when I turned it round and was a bitch to him...this is a guy in his 30's so not young!

.that's why I am not sure if I should even bother with meeting up with him when he is back...he probably isn't interested.

If he asks you on a date, go on the date. Messaging before you meet someone has nothing to do with interest or lack thereof. He doesn't even know you! Only an actual date will kick start the dating process. You are thinking far too much about someone you have never even met.

Some of the men you met while being an "ice queen" who weren't keen would have liked you as someone with her heart on her sleeve

Some of the men you met while trying to put your cards on the table who weren't keen would have liked you in a more passive phase

Etc.

When I was dating I was only ever myself, the same me, and still had men telling me I was either too passive and they were looking for a strong character or that I was too direct and they wanted a more sweet and passive woman. This never got to me really because the right man will feel right just being yourself and I also met men I thought "hmm not for me, too X" whereas another woman might have liked how X he was.

That said I do find thing work out better for women who are direct about what they want. This is in dating and in relationships too, I find it a very British trait to say nothing (or hint, obsessed with the hinting) when you are upset or want something then explode when all the unsaid stuff builds up. Relationships needs clear communication to be healthy so might as well start from the beginning.

Wait until he replies then try to park the texting until he is back. Say something like "have an amazing time at home, looking forward to arranging a date finally when you are back" that way you've let him know you are still keen but will let him enjoy his time away without feeling like he has to constantly message someone he has never met - I was him in this situation when I met my DH and I got really fed up texting.