Dating - Embarassingly out of touch

[SevenDaysinSunnyJune]

Hey everyone,

Long time lurker who could use some dating advice.

I am late 20's and embarassingly out of touch with the dating scene.

I took quite an extended period of time off dating due to personal reasons!

Decided to get back in the game and downloaded the horror that is Tinder ( in fairness I have two friends who met their long-term partners this way )

It was a disaster and something I won't be doing again!

A friend of mine said she wanted to introduce me to her boyfriends friend...I much prefer meeting guys this way so was up for it!

At this point she hadn't actually met her bf's friend in person yet but when she did meet him for the first time she said he mentioned meeting me to her, so her boyfriend must have mentioned me to his friend.

She didn't want to make it too awkward and arrange a one on one so she told him we would go out as a group..Myself and my other friend had plans for the next lot of weeks though so was hard to arrange it, and apparently he mentioned meeting me to my friends bf a few times.

He obviously got fed up waiting to go out as a group as he asked for my number and it was passed on to him. Asked me out last weekend but I actually couldn't go, but said I could go the following weekend...however he is actually on a trip back home for one month (isn't from the UK) so he couldn't do that.....he asked me to meet up during the week before he left but I work east coast USA hours so that isn't suitable for me.

We said we would do something when he gets back...he has sent very chatty messages the past week but takes a day to respond, so sends one once a day, so do I.

Since he went away though he hasn't replied to my last message sent like 3 days ago.

I know, I know, I haven't met him, I don't particularly care...but in terms of moving forward with dating,...I am looking to settle down.

In the past I always acted like the 'cool girl' , never communicated what I want and always got shat on from a great height by time wasters. Whereas friends of mine said early on to guys they were looking for something serious and it worked out!

So yes, I can't much be bothered with back and forth texting anyway whilst he is away....but if he leaves text messages unanswered...is it more likely he is only looking for Casual? My friend has told me he really, really wants a girlfriend and to settle down and he isn't a player!

So I'm just not sure if he asks me out when he comes back if I should even go? What's the point if he is only looking casual?

Does anyone have any advice on this? Or is the lack of response okay as we haven't actually met yet!

Sorry for the bloody essay, but hideously out of touch and I find dating threads on here really interesting!

Thanks in advance.

Hobbies should keep you occupied even when other people are busy or unavailable. If they aren't, you need different hobbies or to meet new people to befriend. If the loneliness is at a point when you are getting this anxious and disappointed about men you have never met you need to introspect on what is really going on. This is not a normal reaction to friends coupling up.

I really cannot emphasise to you that if you are starting dating from a place of desperation, you are always going to be on the back foot.

You have not actually met these men, you know nothing about them. Not even if they're catfish or not. And you're already thinking of them as time wasters (?!) and questioning their motives. He doesn't owe you anything, he has never met you!! This is not good and it seems you're looking to them to fill a gap in your life. It's exactly what people can sense and decent men will get weirded out and creeps will sense your vulnerability. Also attachment style is applicable when you're actually dating someone!! Not on random strangers you have never met.

I recommend the Rules. You can read the whole thing in a night.
I married a doctor and he is the most wonderful man I have ever met. So it worked for me.

www.academia.edu/34868225/ALL_THE_RULE

I recommend totally ignoring this utter bollocks and being normal and yourself

To be fair. Not bollocks but worked for me and Zoe Foster Blake (you won’t know her but she’s Australian and very cool).
It’s not about not being yourself. Mostly about how our actions might be viewed by the opposite sex and so being mindful of that.
Certainly not a perfect book but it has a lot of good in it.

@hotcoldnotsold - thank you for your message!

In terms of hobbies, I'm not what you could call athletic, so I think I struggle with finding hobbies! Any Suggestions?

I would like to meet more single female friends, but I live in a fairly small place where everyone couples up a little bit younger!

And I have read countless threads on here from women saying their friends are coupled up/settling down and that they want the same! I think that's fairly normal.

I know it's not a good place to start dating! And I know he doesn't owe me anything...I think I said in my first post he doesn't owe me anything and I don't owe him anything!

I have had guys before be very keen on texting before I have even met them and it's because they wanted a relationship! So I guess I was just pondering if it means he isn't that fussed and is more a casual type guy!

@AussieAussieAussie - I have read the first few pages of that book from the link you sent...I have heard others say good things! I don't know whether it's a good shout or not!

What about crafty things, or a book club or a language exchange? Could you volunteer somewhere? Maybe you could even learn something you've always wanted and find or start a group that supports this too. I know it can be tough in a smaller town but would you be able to drive for activities to a larger city? Maybe try Meetup groups to see what's local?

Are you good at anything you could turn into a small side business? Cooking or making something or tutoring or dog walking etc. Selling stuff via Etsy or amazon. Great to keep you busy AND make extra cash.

Also if you don't mind travel, there are 18-35 holiday travel groups that can be fun. So you don't miss out on travel without a partner.

@hotcoldnotsold - I would really like to join a book club actually! I just feel a little nervous about it...it's hard when you are in a rut!

But those all good ideas!

The problem is I do live in the largest 'city' in my country (it would not be much of a city compared to mainland UK standards lol)

I was actually considering moving to another country as I think part of the issue is I'm still up for fun/going out and there aren't many here still wanting to do that!

The guy in question has actually just sent me two really long text messages which is nice considering he is away! It's in response to something I sent like last week though so I should maybe just wait until he gets back to pick up the convo etc

@hotcoldnotsold

Oh and too add he mentioned he was travelling when I messaged him so wasn't able to reply...and apologised for sending the text late....so I guess that was me overthinking over nothing.

Sorry to post again....but do I wait the same length of time he has to reply? I.E. 5 days...or just be natural and reply now! Flags what I mean about being out of touch in the dating game...don't know whether to play it cool or just respond like I would with a friend

Don't play it cool, but you need to read the room. If he's taking days to respond, theres no need for you to reply immediately. Just deal with him like person, a bomb you need to detonate! If you had a friend that took several days to respond to your messages, what would you do? Do that.

*not a bomb you need to detonate!