Dating - Embarassingly out of touch

[SevenDaysinSunnyJune]

Hey everyone,

Long time lurker who could use some dating advice.

I am late 20's and embarassingly out of touch with the dating scene.

I took quite an extended period of time off dating due to personal reasons!

Decided to get back in the game and downloaded the horror that is Tinder ( in fairness I have two friends who met their long-term partners this way )

It was a disaster and something I won't be doing again!

A friend of mine said she wanted to introduce me to her boyfriends friend...I much prefer meeting guys this way so was up for it!

At this point she hadn't actually met her bf's friend in person yet but when she did meet him for the first time she said he mentioned meeting me to her, so her boyfriend must have mentioned me to his friend.

She didn't want to make it too awkward and arrange a one on one so she told him we would go out as a group..Myself and my other friend had plans for the next lot of weeks though so was hard to arrange it, and apparently he mentioned meeting me to my friends bf a few times.

He obviously got fed up waiting to go out as a group as he asked for my number and it was passed on to him. Asked me out last weekend but I actually couldn't go, but said I could go the following weekend...however he is actually on a trip back home for one month (isn't from the UK) so he couldn't do that.....he asked me to meet up during the week before he left but I work east coast USA hours so that isn't suitable for me.

We said we would do something when he gets back...he has sent very chatty messages the past week but takes a day to respond, so sends one once a day, so do I.

Since he went away though he hasn't replied to my last message sent like 3 days ago.

I know, I know, I haven't met him, I don't particularly care...but in terms of moving forward with dating,...I am looking to settle down.

In the past I always acted like the 'cool girl' , never communicated what I want and always got shat on from a great height by time wasters. Whereas friends of mine said early on to guys they were looking for something serious and it worked out!

So yes, I can't much be bothered with back and forth texting anyway whilst he is away....but if he leaves text messages unanswered...is it more likely he is only looking for Casual? My friend has told me he really, really wants a girlfriend and to settle down and he isn't a player!

So I'm just not sure if he asks me out when he comes back if I should even go? What's the point if he is only looking casual?

Does anyone have any advice on this? Or is the lack of response okay as we haven't actually met yet!

Sorry for the bloody essay, but hideously out of touch and I find dating threads on here really interesting!

Thanks in advance.

@hotcoldnotsold - thanks for your messages. In terms of the guy that acted like a bit of an arsehole ...no it wasn't a case of him not wanting to hurt me or upset me...He was very cocky and arrogant towards me...but when I turned it back on him and said a few very rude things to him...he started being all over me...I ghosted him and he kept sending me text messages that were all sweetness and light...a complete contrast to his cocky, sexual messages he sent before!

I couldn't figure out why he did this?

And no, we hadn't actually even met in the flesh, so it's not a case of us meeting and him deciding I'm not right for him!

Yes, I think I will still go on the date anyway when he gets home (if he still asks to meet up when back haha) ...I know I'm thinking too much about it...I guess in a slight panic as everyone is settle down!

@Natty13 - thank you for your message! Yea that seems to be the case with me....I'm either too passive or too keen....there hasn't been anyone I have met this last while were the balance has been just right, which is frustrating!

Good advice, I can't be bothered with texting back and forth...but he is the one who has parked the texting so I guess he has made that decision for us...haha

I am hoping he will text when he gets back next month and asks to arrange something...but I'm not so sure 🥴🥴

But the point is, if you have to play some game to get him to be interested then yeah you could do that but you’re only attracting attention from someone who is either game playing too, or looking for something you’re not. Either way, you don’t want them.

if you’re just yourself then you can’t lose. Anyone not interested it’s fine, wouldn’t have worked anyway

I couldn't figure out why he did this? And no, we hadn't actually even met in the flesh, so it's not a case of us meeting and him deciding I'm not right for him!

Does it matter? Because he's an arsehole? But it shouldn't matter because you never met him, he is just a stranger. Do you see the lunacy of basing your dating behaviour on some random you've never even met??? You should feel grateful that OLD guy showed you his true colours before you met up with him. Texting is not a replacement for dating, it's a nice complement.

Any guy who doesn't ask you out on an actual date before texting rubbish/sexual content, never saw you as relationship material. So just like with this guy, stop thinking, analysing and worrying about men you have not met.....

If you waste this much energy on strangers, you'll be a nervous wreck when you actually have to start meeting up with them, dealing with rejection after a few weeks/months etc. I know you're worried but you can't rush this process.

do you know if he has read your message and not replied? or has he not even read it yet?
if it is the latter he probably is just busy. I agree with @MincedMalbec send him another message saying hope his having fun and meeting up when he gets back

@hotcoldnotsold - true. It doesn't matter and I know that...I think it just bothered me that the guy immediately decided I wasn't worth getting to know, and someone he can say complete smut to (after briefly saying he wanted a relationship LOL) - only after sex and knew he wasn't going to get it from me...yet kept trying when I knocked him back...

Some of the OLD guys behaviour has just been bizarre and I find it difficult to navigate!

I know I'll be a nervous wreck by the time I actually then meet someone...It is worrying though ....a friend said to me recently that she 'feels so so sorry' for me that I haven't met anyone yet! ...it's not great hearing things like that

@SpotlessMind88 - I don't know if he read it or not....it was over iMessage....my messages always show as delivered to him, so I am assuming his read receipts are off!

I just wouldn't want to appear too keen by messaging him again! I am hoping he will message when he gets back but who knows

Are you sure he's actually going back home op. I'm only mentioning as I've dated many guys who don't come from the UK. The get out for them was "oh I need to go back home urgently I'll call you" or the best one ive had a few times is "my mother's died and I need to get back home". No their mothers hadn't died at all I later found out because they forgot their lies and fucked up. So don't take what he says as gospel at all op.

dating apps do work, OP.
i met my partner on tinder, I had 8,000 matches and had been on dates with over 70 people. It just takes time I suppose. I tried to meet 2-3 people a week

I forgot to add I messaged my partner for 16 weeks before meeting as he was travelling! Been together 4 years now and lived together 2

i didn’t put all my eggs in one basket until we met in person though but we talked every day

@Inthesameboatatmo - Jesus! Imagine doing that to get out of a date...some of these guys , I really do despair.

But yea I'm quite sure he has gone home! It was him who asked for my number, apparently he kept blowing up my friends bf's phone asking for It! And it was him who asked me out...I'm the one who couldn't go and he kept saying 'oh that's a shame' etc...

@HardTimesHarder - that is encouraging. But I honestly don't think I even have it in me to go through anything with OLD again..

And very encouraging you messaged the whole time you were away! He has stopped responding so that's why I'm thinking it's maybe best to not go on the date when he comes home...

I think it just bothered me that the guy immediately decided I wasn't worth getting to know, and someone he can say complete smut to (after briefly saying he wanted a relationship LOL)

Why would it bother you that a complete stranger doesn't want to get to know you though? Do you want to get to know every single man out there, even the ones you may have briefly found attractive? Also - why would you take his being smutty so personally? If a telemarketer calls you, would you take it personally that you're the sort of person they target or just assume they go through a list and do it to everyone...That's exactly how you view people on OLD/irl - strangers you don't trust until you get to know them.

I do think that you see being single as something wrong with you. You have like sixty more years to live, a few weeks, months, years of being single really isn't the worst thing. For all you know, your coupled up friends could get divorced, dumped, cheated on,struggle to have kids, go bankrupt, hugely regret not having had more more fun/shagged around etc - any number of equally unfortunate things. And your friend has been insensitive tbh, but projecting her own worries and insecurities on you. I wish I could shout from the rooftops that in your 20s, being single is really not the end of the world.

If you're looking for books read this

www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Identify-attachment-style-perfect-ebook/dp/B0050CJNJC/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=c8bdc47a-f29c-4227-a70a-dbfc3e298970

I had lots of crossover with your issues. This book kicked me back into reality & took a lot of the anxiety out if it. Attachment stuff is talked about a lot on MN, if I had known this 20 years ago my anxiety life levels would so have been very different

As someone said, ignore the rules stuff, it's no use being an ice queen if you're not one. I think dating is more about knowing who you are. Then you'll know what kind of guy us good enough for you

@hotcoldnotsold - I was new to OLD when this happened so tbh I was just completely shocked at the way this guy spoke to me...a man in his 30's with a professional career that is a lot of responsibility...speaking even worse than the boys at school did...it was like...what is going on!

And yea I guess I took it personally and assumed I'm the one that got the vulgar language whilst others probably got asked out!

And yes, I am viewing being single as something wrong with me at the moment and I know I shouldn't! It's hard though when surrounded by weddings, couple type things and not having people to boogie with on a Saturday night as everyone is coupled up and doing couple things!!

@KittyRedSocks - thank you for the book recommendation! I will certainly give it a go! Can I ask what attachment style is?! I see that term a lot and don't know what it means!

Okay, even from reading the blurb of the book on Amazon before buying...it's very obvious I have anxious attachment style...obv this needs to change...to secure attachment style 🤞😁

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself, and on these potential dates, it sounds very serious and absolutely exhausting! Instead of deciding that you're ready to settle down now, and then sorting everyone through that filter, meet some blokes either via mates, work, online, go on some dates and see if you want to see any of them again and they you? Literally, that one criteria is enough to go on, do you want to see him again? Yes, great. No, next.
Is totally discounting anyone that's "only" looking for casual necessary? You could meet someone you have a great laugh with and both want to see each other again. Six months of "casual" dating later and you've got yourself a boyfriend without all the angst. Try not to overthink it, or play it cool or pushy, you'll be a bag of nerves! Just be yourself, it's supposed to be fun!

@GreenManalishi

I discount guys who only want casual as I don't want to be used for sex! It's an awful feeling being used! Lots of guys when they say 'casual' mean pick you up and drop you for a casual shag!

I've done it before and never again!

I'd say you do, but don't worry, it's not wrong, just how you're made! I'm like you. I read this book randomly after many failed & even weird relationships, & I'd had enough. Similar feelings to you; felt always being dumped & shit on, I wasn't being me, so fellas read the signals wrong, I was not too scared to say I wanted serious in case it frightened them off, but they just thought they could have a casual relationship instead. Attachment is more about choosing someone who suits you, rather than changing per se, so you're not triggered by their behaviour & you become more secure. A good background guide for dating & life. I saw OLD guys differently, I could spot the ones who had real potential, almost immediately. Don't lose heart. It will happen, and take heart you're not alone...

@KittyRedSocks - thank you for your message! That all sounds exactly like me. I am definitely going to order the book.

He hasn't replied to my last message so I don't know now if I would go on a date with him when he gets back....so sick of time wasters!

Ah OP, he's not replying because he has a life and isn't spending his time away obsessing over a stranger.... You need to have a life outside of men so you don't take it so personally when complete strangers aren't shooting up your phone!!!

If he asks, go on the date. In the meantime find hobbies that don't involve strangers...

@hotcoldnotsold - I do have a life that doesn't revolve around men,

I have quite a full on job and hobbies! The problem is those things can't keep me company when everyone is doing something with their significant other!

I do still have some girlie nights, but as a lot of people are loved up, they have a lot more couples nights! It's just the stage of life I'm at is slightly different to my friends, so I find myself at a bit of a loose end...

So I think it's natural to seek out what they have!