Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mid 40s - same sex attraction for the first time

53 replies

ifawftfte · 20/06/2022 12:52

Name changed - the circumstances could be identifying.
I'm mid 40s. Never experienced any sexual attraction to a woman. I've been with men, had two long term relationships, but nothing ever felt quite right.
And since I split with the ex 3 years ago I've gone off men completely. Feel queasy just thinking about doing anything with them and certainly don't want a relationship with a man ever again. I presumed that I'd then spend my life single etc. Never considered being with a woman as I've never been sexually attracted to another woman. I thought I was "100% heterosexual".... how wrong can you be.

I have been away for a week with a group of people to "do a hobby"!! I met a woman there, we clicked immediately. She is a lesbian. At first I thought it was just a friendship thing but it developed into some arm touching, walking arm in arm, and to my surprise sexual attraction from my side. Last night when everyone was leaving I hoped to get a chance to say goodbye to her alone as we'd been flirting earlier, eye contact etc. Unfortunately we couldn't manage to shake off a "hanger on" who wouldn't leave. So I hugged her, she stroked my arm and said she'd text. I can still feel her touch....

I suppose I'm asking if others have experienced similar- no attraction to another woman at all and then all of a sudden it's there with someone, completely unexpectedly and very powerful.
I don't feel odd about it in any way - it's quite exciting actually. It happened very naturally - like when I've met men before I've been attracted to. I'm surprised - that's all! And I'm ready to see where this goes with her. (If anywhere)

Is sexuality so fluid like this? Not sure if I'm bi. I was convinced over the last 3 years that I might be asexual - no attraction to anyone. Before that I thought exclusively straight. Any advice/insights welcome!

OP posts:
lollylo · 20/06/2022 14:11

Very early 40s for me. Always been heterosexual. It was just a crush but my whole sexuality altered - though took me a while to get my head round it. In my mid-40s I started dating again and I've only been with women since. It feels completely natural. I am out to everyone. I'm not fluid. I don't feel attraction to men anymore. It's very common. Some theories once child bearing years are over, some women then have no need for men (over simplifying of course). Other women are bi, others repressed it.

It's been completely accepted by everyone I've told. Go for it!

zafferana · 20/06/2022 14:13

Not unusual - I know someone who came out as a lesbian in her 40s having always been with men before that. She was equally surprised! Very happy now and in a lesbian relationship.

GreenManalishi · 20/06/2022 14:21

It's really common, congratulations!

ifawftfte · 20/06/2022 14:27

Very early 40s for me. Always been heterosexual. It was just a crush but my whole sexuality altered - though took me a while to get my head round it. In my mid-40s I started dating again and I've only been with women since. It feels completely natural. I am out to everyone. I'm not fluid. I don't feel attraction to men anymore. It's very common. Some theories once child bearing years are over, some women then have no need for men (over simplifying of course). Other women are bi, others repressed it

My attraction to men stopped first. I thought it was just a reaction to a bloody awful relationship with my ex - but the attraction hasn't come back, and as I said above, I just feel sick at the thought of kissing a man, let alone doing anything more than that with them.
This has come out of the blue - but I was definitely well off men long before this happened. And maybe it's never been quite right with men. Just something a bit off about all of my relationships somehow, but hard to put a finger on exactly what.

OP posts:
ifawftfte · 20/06/2022 14:32

It's really common, congratulations!

Thanks!
Maybe nothing will happen with this woman but it is somehow exciting that there is potential there, that I can also be attracted to women.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/06/2022 14:38

Is sexuality so fluid like this

Yup. Happens all the time. This is why people say not to bother labelling it. You fancy who you fancy, and that's it. It's not something you can decide. Just like you might not like a particular food, then try it again a couple of years later and think it's actually quite nice.

ifawftfte · 20/06/2022 14:42

This is why people say not to bother labelling it. You fancy who you fancy, and that's it

That's what I was thinking. I don't need to label myself as anything. I just happen to really fancy this woman. She's lovely. Great dry sense of humour. Nice open face. Lovely hands. Blah blah!

OP posts:
AquaticSewingMachine · 20/06/2022 14:44

Yep. This happens all the time.

Try not to get too caught up in "am I gay, was I ever straight, what does this mean for me". It means what you decide it means, and it means something different for everyone. Right now you like a lady, you're single, she seems to like you too. That's all you need to know, really, isn't it? Go with it and see where it takes you. Good luck.

maryanne22 · 20/06/2022 14:45

Hope she texts u soon

lollylo · 20/06/2022 15:08

Look up the infamous article on Compulsory Heterosexuality and why some of us just never consider anything different!

BlueberryMusk · 20/06/2022 15:15

Mid-40s and I've just experienced this for the first time. Totally took me by surprise - I'm married with children although felt like I've had zero sex drive for the past few years. In my case I don't think I'll be seeing her again (due to circumstances not choice) and I'm so miserable. Hope it all works out for you OP - it sounds a very exciting time!

weathervane1 · 20/06/2022 15:15

Congratulations. In truth I think you fall in love / are attracted to someone who ticks your boxes and the sex (gender?) of the person is just what it is and can vary. A decent, intelligent person whom you feel a connection is simply that. Let us know if she texts you - can you text her? If you can, just crack on with with and don't delay x

ifawftfte · 20/06/2022 18:35

Thanks everyone. I will text her this evening and just see what happens!

OP posts:
BoiledFroggie · 20/06/2022 20:08

It's very very common, it's to do with the change in hormones as you approach menopause.

weathervane1 · 20/06/2022 20:43

@BoiledFroggie is it to do with hormone changes (possibly), but also related to the fact that as we get older, we mature and understand that the 'normal' rules really do not apply. We fall in love with whom we are attracted to. I'm not sure that hormones play a large part but I am only speculating x anyway, best to the OP.

ifawftfte · 20/06/2022 21:39

I'm definitely going through hormone changes....

Anyway, she texted before I did. Said she had a lovely evening last night and hopes we can meet up again soon.

OP posts:
AquaticSewingMachine · 20/06/2022 21:43

Sounds like you've got a date! 😍

LeniGray · 20/06/2022 21:49

Sexuality can definitely change over the course of your life. I actually had it the other way - zero attraction to men for 15 years, was out as a lesbian, and then met a guy I had a relationship with 😳 I don’t consider myself bisexual, I don’t label it at all if I can help it! I hope it works out for you.

ifawftfte · 20/06/2022 22:20

I don’t label it at all if I can help it!

I don't think I will be labelling this or myself either. I am who I am and I like who I like.

OP posts:
ifawftfte · 21/06/2022 11:53

For all those interested, we have a date in two weeks...
Yay!

OP posts:
Plinkplonk1234 · 21/06/2022 12:47

Ooooh congratulations! Will you keep us updated? It's so nice to read about an unexpected positive change in someone's life. 😊

Comvit · 21/06/2022 12:53

Just hitching a ride to see how the date goes.

Made up for you OP.

BlueberryMusk · 21/06/2022 13:57

you have a date! that is brilliant!

I'm totally going through hormone changes too so there is definitely something in that. I wish I had a date!!

fourplusfour · 21/06/2022 14:02

How exciting. It's lovely to have something to look forward to. Hope it all goes well for you.

maryanne22 · 21/06/2022 18:49

Yay how exciting op. U must come back and tell us how it goes

Swipe left for the next trending thread