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Original poster

Mid 40s - same sex attraction for the first time

53 replies

ifawftfte · 20/06/2022 12:52

Name changed - the circumstances could be identifying.
I'm mid 40s. Never experienced any sexual attraction to a woman. I've been with men, had two long term relationships, but nothing ever felt quite right.
And since I split with the ex 3 years ago I've gone off men completely. Feel queasy just thinking about doing anything with them and certainly don't want a relationship with a man ever again. I presumed that I'd then spend my life single etc. Never considered being with a woman as I've never been sexually attracted to another woman. I thought I was "100% heterosexual".... how wrong can you be.

I have been away for a week with a group of people to "do a hobby"!! I met a woman there, we clicked immediately. She is a lesbian. At first I thought it was just a friendship thing but it developed into some arm touching, walking arm in arm, and to my surprise sexual attraction from my side. Last night when everyone was leaving I hoped to get a chance to say goodbye to her alone as we'd been flirting earlier, eye contact etc. Unfortunately we couldn't manage to shake off a "hanger on" who wouldn't leave. So I hugged her, she stroked my arm and said she'd text. I can still feel her touch....

I suppose I'm asking if others have experienced similar- no attraction to another woman at all and then all of a sudden it's there with someone, completely unexpectedly and very powerful.
I don't feel odd about it in any way - it's quite exciting actually. It happened very naturally - like when I've met men before I've been attracted to. I'm surprised - that's all! And I'm ready to see where this goes with her. (If anywhere)

Is sexuality so fluid like this? Not sure if I'm bi. I was convinced over the last 3 years that I might be asexual - no attraction to anyone. Before that I thought exclusively straight. Any advice/insights welcome!

OP posts:
Melsuleenia · 21/06/2022 18:57

Oh dear. Its really not that common. Be very careful OP because I sense danger. This is especially true because of your past history with men.

Unfortunately, I'm as straight as they come. I have had an extremly predatory female come on to me. She was my husband's sisters partner. Another platonic female friend said the sane thing had happened to her.

Did this woman say, 'You can be turned?'

Run for the hills if she did

NeedASolution · 21/06/2022 19:28

Congrats OP, this sounds lovely. I am a similar age, historically straight and no interest in any man for ages, for similar reasons to yours. I sort of wish I fancied women to be honest, I know so many great women and very few decent men at the moment. All the best for your date!

LeniGray · 21/06/2022 20:20

Melsuleenia · 21/06/2022 18:57

Oh dear. Its really not that common. Be very careful OP because I sense danger. This is especially true because of your past history with men.

Unfortunately, I'm as straight as they come. I have had an extremly predatory female come on to me. She was my husband's sisters partner. Another platonic female friend said the sane thing had happened to her.

Did this woman say, 'You can be turned?'

Run for the hills if she did

‘You can be turned?’

What does that even mean? The mind boggles 🤔

BiscuitLover3678 · 21/06/2022 20:24

very normal and hopefully there’ll be a day where instead of having to label ourselves and tick all the different boxes no one will assume or care and simply ask ‘who are you seeing atm?’ 😁

BiscuitLover3678 · 21/06/2022 20:25

Melsuleenia · 21/06/2022 18:57

Oh dear. Its really not that common. Be very careful OP because I sense danger. This is especially true because of your past history with men.

Unfortunately, I'm as straight as they come. I have had an extremly predatory female come on to me. She was my husband's sisters partner. Another platonic female friend said the sane thing had happened to her.

Did this woman say, 'You can be turned?'

Run for the hills if she did

This is so bad it actually cracked me up.

ToldItToTheBees · 21/06/2022 20:44

Exciting times, op! Ignore the boring lesbophobic tripe and have fun.

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 20:45

Melsuleenia · 21/06/2022 18:57

Oh dear. Its really not that common. Be very careful OP because I sense danger. This is especially true because of your past history with men.

Unfortunately, I'm as straight as they come. I have had an extremly predatory female come on to me. She was my husband's sisters partner. Another platonic female friend said the sane thing had happened to her.

Did this woman say, 'You can be turned?'

Run for the hills if she did

Be very careful OP because I sense danger

This is hilarious! The drama! It's just 2 women fancying each other, where is the threat that you see, apart from in your own past?

It happens all the time. Perhaps being as straight as they come means you don't see it so much, but, as a member of the gay community, I can tell you it's not at all unusual for someone to realise later in life.

Try not to panic..!

Original poster
ifawftfte · 21/06/2022 23:29

Did this woman say, 'You can be turned?'

No of course she didn't. Ludicrous.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 22/06/2022 08:37

I've been married to my female partner for 7 years, together for 9. I previously classed myself as straight.
Im incredibly happy and our relationship is really strong.

Whitehorsegirl · 22/06/2022 09:03

I really hope it works out for you!!

I had never felt any attraction towards women until I met someone through work when I was about 30 and realised I fancied her!

I must say I have not really feel this since but I now know I can be attracted to both men and women. It is not the gender that matters to me, it is the individual.

Maybe in your case there might also be something about thinking you had to follow the usual script of going out with and marrying a man. Now that you are older and realised it wasn't working for you maybe you opened yourself up to other possibilities.

Oblomov22 · 22/06/2022 09:09

Really pleased you've got a date, hope it goes really well.

TheVolturi · 22/06/2022 09:22

Melsuleenia · 21/06/2022 18:57

Oh dear. Its really not that common. Be very careful OP because I sense danger. This is especially true because of your past history with men.

Unfortunately, I'm as straight as they come. I have had an extremly predatory female come on to me. She was my husband's sisters partner. Another platonic female friend said the sane thing had happened to her.

Did this woman say, 'You can be turned?'

Run for the hills if she did

Funniest, most random response ever! 🤣🤣🤣
Good luck op let us know how it goes!

InFiveMins · 25/06/2022 20:54

How exciting! Good luck OP, she sounds like a great match for you. Let us know how the date goes. Flowers

cushionpillow · 25/06/2022 23:50

Have fun and just go with it!

Ahgoonyegirlye · 26/06/2022 10:02

So common! I’m gay and my 40s and there seem to be so many women my age discovering that they are gay or bi. So you aren’t alone! The tricky bit for older women I think is sometimes being taken seriously by women who’ve been out their whole lives. No lesbian wants to feel like someone’s experiment, or that there’s a boyfriend/DH in the. Background ‘encouraging’ the woman to ‘explore’ her sexuality.
so, just be honest, and open. But it sounds like you already have someone lined up and there’s mutual attraction, so good luck!!

Ahgoonyegirlye · 26/06/2022 10:04

‘Oh dear. Its really not that common. Be very careful OP because I sense danger. This is especially true because of your past history with men.’

beware the moors!! And the lesbians!!
it is that common. Societal pressures and expectations have kept gay women in the closet for years…

Original poster
ifawftfte · 26/06/2022 16:04

The tricky bit for older women I think is sometimes being taken seriously by women who’ve been out their whole lives. No lesbian wants to feel like someone’s experiment, or that there’s a boyfriend/DH in the. Background ‘encouraging’ the woman to ‘explore’ her sexuality
We are chatting about this at the moment. She said she's happy to just see how things develop.
It's odd really - this feels so much easier than when I've been at a similar stage getting to know men and it's always seemed forced somehow.
I've read a few articles on compulsory heterosexuality which someone mentioned upthread and I feel like the descriptions definitely do fit me. There was always just something a bit "off" in the way I was relating to men.
Spent most of my 20s thinking I was just "commitment phobic". I'd happily flirt with men and fancied them (I think). But I can also remember it as not being really attractions which developed naturally but more a conscious decision to fancy the person concerned as they met various criteria I had in my head. And as soon as one started to reciprocate and get too "clingy" or "demanded too much", I'd be off running for the hills. I thought it was just because I didn't want them encroaching on my freedom too much but I do wonder if there was more to it than that.
Anyway, whatever, I'm enjoying getting to know this woman. It's long distance (1.5 hrs) so not exactly ideal but we're just going to see what happens.

Thank you to all of your who shared your own stories and experiences, it's been very helpful.

OP posts:
Snuffy28 · 26/06/2022 16:10

Lovely that you have a date. I'm assuming that you don't have children?

Darhon · 26/06/2022 16:13

Why? And why does it impact. I have several in their teens. All fine with it and I’m in a long distance relationship as well.

JoanOgden · 26/06/2022 21:58

I don't think this is unusual at all. It's hard to know what to do next, though (for those of us who haven't found a nice woman to go on an experimental date with!).

Hope it goes well, OP. Someone should set up a meet-up group for the rest of us!

weathervane1 · 13/07/2022 01:19

How did the date go?

GreyCarpet · 13/07/2022 07:17

My best friend has had 3 long term relationships (including marriage) with women who were previously married to men. It's not uncommon at all.

LisaSimpson77 · 13/07/2022 07:25

Yes I think sexuality is much more fluid than we give it credit for. Based on a complex combination of factors such including who you meet, what you want out of a relationship, how you've been treated, hormones.
Exploring same sex attraction in your 40's and 50's is surprisingly common, especially now that things are so much more open and you're likely to be accepted easily.
What I would say is, you don't have to label your sexuality. You like her so see how it goes. Don't spend too much energy worrying about whether it "means you're bi" because it doesn't matter!

19Bears · 13/07/2022 10:28

I agree @LisaSimpson77 I think we've been conditioned by society to be one thing or something else, and to stick with that for life. It's just my own thoughts but I reckon most people would be open to anything without the restrictions of family life or conformity to norms.

CaughtBetweenWorlds · 10/02/2023 09:32

I've been reading about this more and more.
I've just turned 40 my last relationship ended at around 33 always with men. I actually think it's always been because I wanted children and my mum is religious.
I remember a few years back saying to a friend that I found certain women attractive or hot, she just said all women have some bi attractions. Which really just shut it all down. I've been trying to have a baby on my own for 3 years with a sperm donor, I've never been keen on dating during this time. I've also now working in an environment where there is so many different make ups of genders and relationship, so for the first time in my life I've actually been exposed to the idea more. Previous to this I hang on to a job that was in a male oriented area, as I've found I work better with men than females in general.

it's only the last week since turning 40. that I've been thinking more and more about women even sexual thoughts. It seems to be more common than I expected.