In laws stated nappy changing was a “pink job”.

[Mullingover]

I was having a laugh with my other half who thinks he’s going to get out of nappy changing..lol he won’t.

The joke was continued today on a trip to his parents and they said well nappy changing is a pink job. They are only early 50’s and I’m late 30’s so wouldn’t have thought they’d be so old fashioned.

They always tend to make me feel like I’m some how pushing there son. I don’t see it as a pink job. We are about to live together, I have almost paid my own house, him probably 50% of his. I would like to return to work part time….who is going to change the nappy then! I’m not someone going into this needing him to “take care of me financially” so he has to work and I will stay at home kind of roll.

I keep getting really weird vibes off of them. There other daughter in law is extremely opposite to me me, her kids are everything, she refused to work after finding out was pregnant and that was 8 years ago. She is a brilliant house wife, all the dinners cooked etc and husband doted on…..that really isn’t me and I don’t think they like me because I believe this is a shared roll.

OP I think this is more than sexism.
Your dp’s parents feel threatened by their ds’s confident partner who has , in their minds, influenced their ds. It’s their problem to deal with and it reflects badly on them that a 30 plus dc is not allowed to live his own life without side swipes at his choice of dp. He should be annoyed with them.

My dc don’t always make the same p choices that I would but if I’ve done my job properly then I can trust them to make their own decisions as adults.
Were in our 60’s and I’d be disgusted if my ds had never changed my dgc’s nappies.

Wait a minute I’ve just done a lot of redecorating in my house, wall paper etc. Yesterday I re-siliconed the kitchen work tops….surely that’s a blue job!!! They didn’t say that yesterday.

They don’t like you. They don’t like that you’re older than him. They don’t like that you already have a child. They don’t like your self confidence. Is it worth it?

My DH who is 84 was stunned by this ridiculous comment!

@Herejustforthisone he really is, he has an absolute heart of gold. I’ve been in one previous 10 year abusive relationship and this guy has shown me such a different life, he has been supportive and him and my daughter have a lovely little relationship. He is unique and I have my quirks but we just fit together. He made it to 33 and only just becoming a father, no serious relationships before me, what do they want him to do be on his own forever. His previous short relationship his mum said she was too young and had nothing in common. I’m not after his money, I have my own, I can do lots of things myself, I’ve had to learn to be self sufficient raising my daughter alone, we work great together, the rest of his family see that, it’s a shame they don’t. It’s there loss as I don’t want to include them really in my excitement with the baby as they spoil it.

He sounds like a good one, in spite of his parents’ control. It is going to be a difficult relationship for you to navigate. I’ve no doubt they’re going to be difficult and strange over your baby. I wish you very well and I hope he continues to keep you first and foremost.

I'm 60 and think there is no such thing as a "pink job". Unbelievably outdated and awful. I would not be supportive of my son trying to wriggle out of child care at all.

@Mullingover
I think yabu tbh.
You are not even attempting to see the situation as they may well...

You are 6 years older, were already closer to 40 than 30 when you met their young son.
You already had a child that he'd effectively taken on the running costs etc of and were of an age where you could not guarantee he'd ever get to be a father in his own right. And the loss probably reiterated this as losses are so much more with a 38yo woman than if he was with a 30yp woman.
They ask if your preferences really are his, as it sounds as though he's gone from one apparently domineering household to another. And they're trying to check if he is actually OK with those choices!
Likewise it must be so hard to witness that the things mil would do out of love for her son, you don't!
And tbh, you mention your financial situation a lot and I wonder whether that was a gain from the previous relationships and this history quite rightly concerns them as leopards rarely change their spots...

My df is in his 80s now and I remember him changing my db’s nappy - I used to open the giant safety pins and hand them to him.

Having a df like that made sexism genuinely baffling, and helped me weed out the gobshites when it came to forming my own relationships.

I hope your dh will step up and provide a great example for any sons and daughters he has.

Just call your partner pinky in front of them every time they say something like that

@MamanDeChoix my financial situation was because of the passing of my father and working. He has not paid a penny for my daughter thank you I work and pay for everything. He was 30 when we met and me 36 hardly a young man.

I wouldn't be bothered about this, just both change the nappies.

No drama.

I mention my financial situation because they don’t need to worry I’m after his money as I have my own. I don’t make the decisions, we talk together and in no away am pushy but I have a voice and my own opinion.

Of course he has and will be.
You may work and feel you pay for them, but he will most certainly have contributed to their needs. Be that increased good bills, utilities, treats etc.
You may like to say he hasn't, but undoubtedly he has.
You were 36, so as I said closer to 40, and yes a 30yo man is young. You on the other hand were approaching middle age with a child in tow. So as I said, I imagine that their concerns were valid in their minds and are remain so.

Likewise, as a mother of a son, you're always aware that the woman holds the cards when it comes to broken relationships on the whole. You already have one failed relationship with a child behind you, so of course this will be of concern to them that if their son has offspring that he risks losing them if history repeated.

You don't wish to like them. You wish to find fault. You won't see that there could be any element of your being unreasonable as that is not your rhetoric.

But remember, that frequently people think that they have their new partner's loyalty, and that forever they'll choose them, forgetting that blood is thicker than water and when push comes to shove, in the long term, that usually wins!

well nappy changing is a pink job

PINK JOB???

OP I feel sorry for you. He's been raise in a sexist household which allocated drudgery and caring tasks to women....why? Because they're the sub-ordinate class and it is beneath men to do those things.

I'm concerned you will have an uphill battle on your hands where you will have to deal with an unsupportive, uncooperative partner to thinks it's emasculating to this task and who'll think he's a fucking superhero for putting up with you.....and he'll most likely be supported in that view by his bloody parents. Prepare to be vilified for your views.

I would normally say 'RUN' but it's too late for that.

I would like to return to work part time….who is going to change the nappy then!

Well not him, mostly of the time, anyway. It will either mostly fall to you or some kind of childminder.

The only thing you can do is make sure he knows how important this is to you, and you won't put up with any bullshit or you're over. Sounds extreme, but some men will push their poor partners to their absoloute limits before starting to pull their weight.

He was a massive mummy’s boy till he met me

Oh God OP. This is getting worse and worse as I'm reading on. :(

Breastfeeding is a mother’s job. If the mother is breastfeeding, everything else is the father’s job for the first few weeks at the very least!

@MamanDeChoix we don’t live together and haven’t so far but will in the next couple of weeks once I’ve had a bit of building work completed (which I’ve paid for). He is going to move into my house as it has more rooms. So no so far he hasn’t contributed a penny to any bills, holidays, food etc etc etc. My mortgage is almost paid so not much towards that also. Unfortunately my ex was abusive and at court was denied access due to threats on my life and neglect towards child. So again not my doing that relationship failed. A poor choice of partner then yes but abusive relationships are difficult to get out of. I am proud of myself for getting out and supporting my daughter.

Im wondering are you my in-laws, you sound extremely sexist yourself.

@EarthSight he has been nothing but supportive all this time. It’s not him that worries me but there reaction towards me and anything I say. Eg we are having a scan soon and will find out the gender because we just both want to. His mum wasn’t happy and doesn’t understand why we want to. She turned to him and said is this what you want also, insinuating I’m somehow forcing him. I’m really not like that at all. I don’t understand why they are behaving like this. I may have been a victim of abuse and worked really hard to leave that behind for the sake of my daughter but I feel like I’m tainted or something now. I love this man and Visa Versa, we just bring out the best in each other. Friends and other family can see that and always say that they are so happy that they can see we are happy.

OP your PIL don't sound like they like you or are willing to get to know you, as you. I think they see you as taking away their darling son.

I predict sadly that it is going to get very difficult after baby is born. Be a team with your husband. You are going to need to be. Good luck.

@NoToLandfill I don’t want to take him away from them, haven’t done anything to look like I am. I’d love their support and to feel included. I’ve lost my dad and my mum is not well and she has never been emotionally very around. Probably not going to be the case tho as they decided for some reason I’m not good.

That's so sad for you. Feel for you. Are you able to have an open conversation with all 4 of you together?

Say openly I'm not sure what the issue is, I really love your son and would also like to get to know you better. And see where that takes you?

So quite rightly, they're asking whether you've pushed him into this decision.
Especially relevant if they were always led to believe that he'd never want to find out the gender in the past and now suddenly you've announced you are!
You've been in abusive relationship and seem hell bent on tainting this inlaws relationship, because they challenge your thinking and don't follow suit with all you say.
I'd say that there will be turbulent times ahead and they can foresee this. You've not lived together. Seem to insist that in the last years he's never bought and paid for anything for your child, yet has taken on the parental role whilst living as a bachelor...
I think that he may well have the best of hypothetical intentions today, but few will come to fruition.
Apples don't fall far from trees and blood is thicker than water.

I’m older so my MIL is from an even older generation and she’s wedded to this. Plus there’s a lot of her “precious son”.

I get this all the time. She was staying with us and she and my husband were chatting in the kitchen. I was there, but I was unloading the dishwasher, cleaning surfaces and sinks, sweeping the floor etc and joining in the chat. Probably cleaning in front of them for 45 minutes.

Then my husbands says he’ll make them lunch, and she starts “ooh xxxx you’re so good in the kitchen etc etc”. It was tinned soup. But she’s always been like this. So pisses me off.

There’s no need for you to see these people, why on earth are you telling them your private business and details of your medical appointments?

Your boyfriend can visit them whenever he feels the need, and he can correct their sexist knuckledragger behaviour choices.