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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws stated nappy changing was a “pink job”.

90 replies

Mullingover · 19/06/2022 20:44

I was having a laugh with my other half who thinks he’s going to get out of nappy changing..lol he won’t.

The joke was continued today on a trip to his parents and they said well nappy changing is a pink job. They are only early 50’s and I’m late 30’s so wouldn’t have thought they’d be so old fashioned.

They always tend to make me feel like I’m some how pushing there son. I don’t see it as a pink job. We are about to live together, I have almost paid my own house, him probably 50% of his. I would like to return to work part time….who is going to change the nappy then! I’m not someone going into this needing him to “take care of me financially” so he has to work and I will stay at home kind of roll.

I keep getting really weird vibes off of them. There other daughter in law is extremely opposite to me me, her kids are everything, she refused to work after finding out was pregnant and that was 8 years ago. She is a brilliant house wife, all the dinners cooked etc and husband doted on…..that really isn’t me and I don’t think they like me because I believe this is a shared roll.

OP posts:
FirstFallopians · 19/06/2022 21:23

Mullingover · 19/06/2022 21:00

Yes I am pregnant, 20 weeks now. He isn’t being serious we are having jokes. He is a really great person very hands on with it all so far. I have always felt this vibe off them with everything I’ve ever said. We and them seem to be very different. He was a massive mummy’s boy till he met me a few years back and I think I gave him the confidence to believe in himself really as I don’t do all the mummy’s boys nonsense. I think I’ve said in the past why do you need to run everything past your mum when you in your 30’s. He has stopped quite a bit and taken control of his stuff. I don’t think they are really keen on me even though I’m quite a nice person I think.

More red flags than a soviet holiday camp here.

Massive mummy’s boy
Can’t make decisions without parental input
Parents aren’t keen on you

I wouldn’t take for granted that he’s changed as much as you think he has.

Buckle up for when the baby arrives.

me4real · 19/06/2022 21:23

no one 'makes' anyone feel anything

People say that, but in reality, others behaviour towards us does have an effect. For instance, if someone called us a b*tch, most people would not have pleasant or even indifferent emotions in response.

Someone constantly criticizing and stuff like OP's partner's parents would be annoying for anyone. OP is not being unreasonable or abnormal in finding it unpleasant.

bellac11 · 19/06/2022 21:24

Mullingover · 19/06/2022 21:06

They seem to have a comment about everything. Eg him coming to my scan. He said hes leaving work early, his mum said doesn’t matter if she goes on her own does it. Well yes it did as I miscarried before this baby and I was a bit scared to go to the 12 weeks scan on my own. Or when I mentioned we finding out the sex at 20 weeks. She said why would you go and do that. I said because we want to and she turns to him and said do you want this also.

Show quote history

Well who cares though? What relevance are their views on your life? You dont live with them i presume?

Just make a joke of it in front of her, look at your OH and say 'are you ok with that, your mum seems worried about us going together to the scan, perhaps you should go on your own - oh no you cant go on your own because Im carrying the baby so perhaps I should come with you'

Either ignore it, or be so off the wall with your comments it will bamboozle her

bellac11 · 19/06/2022 21:26

me4real · 19/06/2022 21:23

no one 'makes' anyone feel anything

People say that, but in reality, others behaviour towards us does have an effect. For instance, if someone called us a b*tch, most people would not have pleasant or even indifferent emotions in response.

Someone constantly criticizing and stuff like OP's partner's parents would be annoying for anyone. OP is not being unreasonable or abnormal in finding it unpleasant.

There are always circumstances where that is the case but in reality the 'he makes me feel x or y' is a huge cop out for not taking responsiblity and owning one's feelings and emotions (usually a lack of confidence)

In this case, this couple are null and void in terms of OPs life, they dont have any control over her or how she runs her life.

gingersplodgecat · 19/06/2022 21:26

Apparently, according to what popped up on facebook today, my friend and her DD had a 'Pink Day' yesterday as they went shopping, and her DH/DS had a 'Blue Day' as they went off out rock climbing somewhere.

Friend is in her 40's.

I despair.

Original poster
Mullingover · 19/06/2022 21:32

@bellac11 there views do not change mine but they do put a damper on things. Especially when making comments like that after knowing we lost one early on, it’s quite emotional for me. They aren’t who I thought they were before the baby news. I don’t really want to go and spend time with them anymore which is not nice for him really so I go but it’s not enjoyable. I don’t speak about how excited I am for the scan soon for the gender or anything anymore. Anything I mention they will squash or twist, they are odd. But he seems to love me for who I am so they don’t matter really.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 19/06/2022 21:38

I think id just say “ you amaze me how old fashioned you are for your age!” Every time.

bellac11 · 19/06/2022 21:39

Mullingover · 19/06/2022 21:32

@bellac11 there views do not change mine but they do put a damper on things. Especially when making comments like that after knowing we lost one early on, it’s quite emotional for me. They aren’t who I thought they were before the baby news. I don’t really want to go and spend time with them anymore which is not nice for him really so I go but it’s not enjoyable. I don’t speak about how excited I am for the scan soon for the gender or anything anymore. Anything I mention they will squash or twist, they are odd. But he seems to love me for who I am so they don’t matter really.

Well Im not going to push it but you are giving them a lot of power and control that they dont in reality have. They have no power to 'put a dampener on things', you dont have to visit anyone you dont want to, their comments may be odd to you but they have no relevance to your life. Empower yourself and stop looking to be a victim of them. As long as your partner is the one who is well matched to you and has changed from the things you said he used to be, thats the only relevance.

Perhaps the power and headspace you give them is actually caused by anxiety that he hasnt changed and may not be the person you want him to be?

stuntbubbles · 19/06/2022 21:45

My in-laws are like this. I held out the baby to FIL for the first time and he actively recoiled and said, “Ah, no, I’ve not held one before” and pointed for me to hand DD to MIL. He’s got two kids and had three grandchildren already!

Anyway, I see them as little as humanly possible and ignore everything they have to say. Who gives a fuck if they think nappy changing is a “pink job”, or if they use phrases like “pink job”, so long as you’re splitting chores and childcare equally and not branding things pink and blue? Just crack on and ignore them, then roll your eyes afterwards. They have no power here.

makinganavalon · 19/06/2022 21:48

I think @Honeyroar suggestion is amazing!
Seriously start laying ground rules now with your husband, you will have hormones galore when the baby comes out and you need to spell out what you want to happen regarding visitors, labour, in-laws now rather than when baby is here.
Now is the time for tough conversations and sticking up for yourself.

PerfectlyQuiet · 19/06/2022 21:50

I'd bet they are just trying to wind you up. They are succeeding.

HairyScaryMonster · 19/06/2022 21:51

Fwiw I barely changed a nappy while my DH was around for the first 6 months. I was breastfeeding so he did nappies.

Simonjt · 19/06/2022 21:56

stuntbubbles · 19/06/2022 21:45

My in-laws are like this. I held out the baby to FIL for the first time and he actively recoiled and said, “Ah, no, I’ve not held one before” and pointed for me to hand DD to MIL. He’s got two kids and had three grandchildren already!

Anyway, I see them as little as humanly possible and ignore everything they have to say. Who gives a fuck if they think nappy changing is a “pink job”, or if they use phrases like “pink job”, so long as you’re splitting chores and childcare equally and not branding things pink and blue? Just crack on and ignore them, then roll your eyes afterwards. They have no power here.

It’s insane isn’t it. We’re both men, our inlaws (who are generally wankers anyway) genuinely asked who would be changing nappies, feeding, bedtime etc because men clearly can’t do it. How they thought my son had survived the last five years I have no idea.

2Two · 19/06/2022 22:09

Tell them their attitudes belong in the 1930s. DH and I are at least 15 years older than your PILs, and DH changed nappies from the moment DC1 came home. In fact, when we went to ante-natal classes I remember the assumption was that, when they showed us how to change nappies, bathe the baby etc, it was for the benefit of both mothers and fathers.

LooseGoose22 · 19/06/2022 22:10

Is paying the mortgage a "blue," job?

Dies that mean that pink you doesbt contribute any equity or rent from your paid off house and keeps it separately then?

MrsMitford3 · 19/06/2022 22:14

I do all the flat pack assembly, lawn mowing and general handy "man" chores.

DH does anything that comes out of any child or pet orafice-no sense of smell or ick factor.

We divide chores by skill set not colour...

Singleandproud · 19/06/2022 22:17

I think the pink job / blue job thing is from a TV programme as my parents have mentioned it recently in relation to things they do around the house.

But growing up there were certainly jobs that played to their strengths that my dad did that my mum would prefer not to and vice versa, cleaning up bodily fluids would have been a 'blue job' etc, dealing with finances a 'pink' job.

Im a single parent so I guess all my jobs are lilac.

How you and your partner decide to parent is up to you.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 19/06/2022 22:18

merryhouse · 19/06/2022 21:07

My father is ninety.

NINETY.

When he set up home with his new wife in NINETEEN-FIFTY-EIGHT he shared the housework tasks.

When he became a father in NINETEEN-SIXTY-TWO he changed nappies.

(He's off with the fairies now, but his children and grandchildren love him very much)

My dad did these 'pink' jobs, too!
Who on earth came up with 'pink & blue jobs'? Surely this must be a pre-suffragette view!!
What would happen in single parent households? 'Oh gosh, you need a nappy change...which female can I call to do that for you in the middle of the night'....'a light bulb has blown, where will I find a man to change it for me'?
Mind you, it's given me a bit of a giggle!

SpinningRoundRightRound · 19/06/2022 22:18

I don't believe a word of this shit that's clearly written with a Mail Online agenda.

Either that or you are all insane.

Thepossibility · 19/06/2022 22:26

Just laugh loudly at them and say “that's so old-fashioned!". Give them an exaggerated horrified look. Don't let anything go, don't let it become normal. My MIL was like this and my DH was a total mummy's boy but now I'm her favourite and I think she thinks her own daughters are quite lazy compared to me and she looks down at their husband's for not being more hands on!

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/06/2022 23:16

Honeyroar · 19/06/2022 21:38

I think id just say “ you amaze me how old fashioned you are for your age!” Every time.

Yes this a good one.

They sound bizarre. minimise time with them and don’t dilute yourself at all, just be loud and proud, they will probably be intimidated

Anothernamechangeplease · 19/06/2022 23:23

I'd just do a tinkly laugh and pretend that you think they are joking. "Nice try, but I'm not falling for that one I'm afraid! You're far too young and sensible to buy into old-fashioned sexist rubbish like that!"

Original poster
Mullingover · 20/06/2022 07:05

I said yesterday when they said that’s a pink job that it’s the 21st Century now, my own dad (he passed away sadly now) did it all my brother did it all there is no way (insert name) will not be doing it all. Mummying him is not my job I’m a grown women. I’m actually 6 years older then him, they didn’t like that either but then we love each other so that didn’t matter either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mullingover · 20/06/2022 07:10

It is hard blending families. I have a 6 year old from a previous and his extended family, his grandparents especially have been so lovely and have treated her like they do their others (she has been in their lives since age three and no dad was around). His parents do not. I can’t force them to but it’s not really very nice.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 20/06/2022 07:16

My in laws are very nice but have struggled to know what to do with me- they didn’t think I was going to be a good mum because women who work a lot can’t be good at taking care of a baby. They changed their minds once babies came along even though I still work full time and are very impressed at all my Dh does so ignore them and give them some time until there’s a grandchild and they can see you adore your baby and look after them well :)