I don't feel I owe my parents anything

[Flamingoose]

They were not terrible parents. Of their generation, I suppose. My mum likes to say that 'parent' was a noun not a verb when we were kids. They were mostly okay and occasionally really shit.

When I turned 16 they more or less said, welp, we're done. We've taught you everything we know and you're on your own now. They moved to another country and I lived in bedsits or occasionally with relatives. They financially supported me until I was 18. I had 3 jobs through uni. I did okay. Met my husband quite young. Settled down earlier than I should but that's turned out okay too. They were the same (worse) with my older brother. Always babied my little bother though. He lived at home until his 20s, and still has a bedroom at home now (40s)

I decided at some point to stop thinking of them as 'parents' and stop expecting them to fill that role. If they're just a lovely couple I know they're good fun. In my 20s we all ended up living in the same country. We saw them a bit more. 2 weeks before my first baby was born they moved to Portugal. That was 17 years ago. They're very happy there I think. We've seen them a handful of times. They don't really know my kids. We did offer to pay for them to come over and see us but they said no thanks. When my youngest was due, my mum sent me an odd message saying "you know I'll come and stay to help you when the baby is born, but you mustn't think I want to come. I'd much rather not. But I will if you need me to, but this is your third so you know what you're doing, so you don't need me do you?" It was odd because it hadn't occurred to me that she'd come. She didn't come for any of the others!

Then my granny got old and unwell and they were awful to her. Really horrid. I offered to have granny with us but they said no. I deeply regret not pushing it. I think the last year of my granny's life was awful. In the end they put her in a nursing home in Portugal. She didn't speak Portuguese.

Now they're older. When I speak to them on the phone (once every 3 weeks because I'm not allowed to phone more often than that. It's a rule.) they talk wistfully of their friends having visits from children and grandchildren. My dad's sister is recently widowed and her entire family have rallied round and made sure she is never alone and always included, they take her on holidays and have dinners and all go and stay. And, well, yes of course they do; that woman has been the lynchpin of their family all their lives.

They genuinely believe that they were great parents. They think we all get along wonderfully. They have no idea I'm a bit miffed by the way they've ignored me my entire life. They think they're great grandparents.

Mentally I have started again. I didn't get what I needed from them. I can't change that. What I can do is focus on my husband and our children. That's my family. My eldest is 16 and needs me more than ever. I hope I am a part of my children's lives, always. If they need me to be a 'Tuesday afternoons school pick-up granny', I'll be there! And if they have cats instead of kids, and live in a flat in New York, I'll go visit! And take catnip!

I can't decide if I'm justified in writing them off. I don't feel obliged to look after them in their old age.

But I also don't think it should be transactional. You didn't look after me, so I won't look after you. I don't want my kids to see me not look after my own parents. Someone has to break the cycle. Should it be me?

It's not being transactional, it's being reciprocal. We wouldn't stand for a one sided friendship, why should it be different because you share blood?

Plus, they sound like selfish dicks. They've done their own thing and now want something else and feel entitled to it. Sod that.

(Full reference: My mum was abusive, I've very little patience for parents like this)

I have not words of advice, but words of solidarity.
it’s so hard seeing others having these wonderful relationships with parents and wondering why is that not my reality.
But you (as do I) have children that we can change the cycle with. Learn from our parents weird ways.

My parents have been pretty much the same OP. Lived their lives to suit themselves. I've had no type of support whatsoever since the day I moved out to go to uni. I've had no parenting at all since then. The silver lining is that I can wash my hands entirely of having to support their old age. If they feel that adults are on their own, it's going to apply to them too. I have no guilt whatsoever about it.

You break the cycle with your own kids. But not with them.

seems fair to me OP. Ditch them.

There's no "cycle" to break. They weren't very interested in being part of your life and part of your kids' lives and lo: this has transpired. You are already building a totally different kind of relationship with your own children and will similarly do so with your grandchildren.

Yanbu to be a bit distant with them. They've always kept you at arm's length.

I'm surprised you bother phoning every 3 weeks to be honest, I'd have let them fade away a long time. They aren't a 'lovely couple you know' are they - they don't sound particularly nice or kind and they have no insight at all. They just aren't that bothered so you don't need to be bothered either.

Wow. What vile people.

You're a way better person than I am, as I'd have cut them off completely the moment they abandoned me as a child (and yes, 16 is a child).

Honestly, I woudnt even continue with the three-weekly phone calls. Just let them drift out of your life - the same way they did to you. I'm sorry you've been treated this way. No normal person would treat their child/ren this way.

Your not saying tit for tat. It's about your relationship with them. If you had a fantastic close relationship with them your whole life but just not received on hand help/support you would probably have wanted to support them if required. The reason you don't feel obligated is because you are not close and never have been. You would help friends but would be less likely to help a colleague at work you barely no. it feels alien because it's so different to most people relationship with family. I'm glad you have people in your life who love and support you.

I think what I would do is not have a big dramatic falling out and effectively a break up with them, but I'd stop bothering entirely. Let them come to you and make an effort. If they do then great, there's something to work with. If they do, well that's also great (in a different way obviously), you've got your answer.

They clearly haven't been very good parents but nothing about what you've said suggests to me that you telling them that will give you what you want which I suspect is some recognition of their shortcomings.

If they don't, well that's also great (in a different way obviously), you've got your answer.

(MN give us a bloody edit button!)

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful answers.
I worry about them. I'm okay with being the better person. In fact I'd be horrified if I weren't. I do worry about setting a good example for my kids.

It has been helpful setting it all out in this thread, so thank you for reading it. It was very long!

I said to somebody else on here - it's time to break the cycle of neglect and abuse because this is what this is and just so common with this generation.
It took me 60 years to realise I will never have any love from my parents and to break away from them for good. I have only the most minimal contact with them. Basically birthday and xmas cards.
I went to have therapy and it really helped me to break away. I moved 200 miles away and don't see them. I feel no obligation to look after them in their old age.
My life is great now - I didn't realise exactly how much they dragged me down.
If you have time read People of the Lie by M Scott Peck. Describes my parent to a T and gave me the strength to break free from them and stop wishing they would love me.

You don't owe them anything.

My take on it is looking after your children during their actual childhood is the bare minimum.

If parents expect to be looked after in their old age then i would expect that they have been present and helpful in their adult children's lives if that makes sense.

My own parents are dead but my mil has not done a single thing for my DH since he reached the age of 17. No practical, emotional or financial support at all. I think she has lost any right to help in the future. Dh is of the opposite view and thinks he owes her for looking after him when he was a child.

Hi op no you dont owe them anything. I feel they quite selfish. My mother didnt do much for me but expects to be pandered to now. I def dont chase her. 1 visit week is plenty. Box biscuits at xmas for kids. Mean. Yes depressing watch how other families dont have this crap

You owe them nothing.
You already are the bigger person. They sound remarkably like my inlaws.

There is only dh and his sister. Their parents relocated abroad after our kids were born. They don't phone on a regular basis but it works out at roughly once every six weeks.

Dh doesn't contact them as when he used to, they didn't answer the calls or reply to see if anything was wrong.

His sister though woils call them religiously every Sunday morning, she rings all day until they answer her.

I have no respect for them. At all.

But I have no tolerance, I cut contact with my abusive father 4 years ago and am happy about it.

To add: my mother wasn't the best, didn't try to protect us from his battering and abuse. She used to turn a blind eye.

She's got alzheimers now (conveniently) and I see her every few weeks for a duty visit.

I don't think it's about being transactional OP - it's about being there for someone throughout their life and them knowing that they have your back. I reckon about 90% of parenting is just 'being there' and your kids knowing that they are your #1 priority and that they can always rely on you to show up, to be there for them, to pick them up when they fall, to be the shoulder they need to lean. In the case of your parents, you knew from an early age that they weren't there for you - you were on your own - and you still are (evidenced by that awful text from your DM). Thank goodness you managed and created a full, happy life for yourself, but that was no thanks to them. And in all honesty I don't think you should feel that you owe them anything now or as they get older/frailer. They're utterly selfish and in life you reap what you sow.

Sorry - that was rather garbled! I hope you can make sense of it.

Do not ever be guilt tripped into prioritising them when they suddenly decide they want that. No. They created this situation and they will have to live with it.

They sound utterly shit as parents, and selfish and thoughtless as people. You are entitled to let go now.

It's ok to be honest. To say to them well look, you get out of relationships what you put in. Your friends have these relationships because they built them. You and dad really didn't, did you? You have never really been that bothered or that present in my life or in brother's life so you can't expect the same relationship with your children or grandchildren that they have with theirs. You didn't want that sort of relationship. It's too late to try to force it now that you're suddenly thinking how you're going to cope in old age.

You don’t owe them anything. Put your family first.

Also I would stop phoning them, but that’s entirely up to you to decide.

I think I would talk to them less. It's too hard to confront. It's amazing you haven't gone non contact. If you are brave you can spell it out. They have never made time for you and you children the whole of their lives by their choice. If they want a closer relationship now its too late. You just aren't close. End of.

Well they’ve been idiots for not playing the long game, and now it’s going to bite them on the bum.

I’m the same as you OP. I am going to make sure I’m no further than a phone call away to help my adult DD.

My mother didn’t come and help when my DD was born “oh you don’t want me to come”, didn’t visit when I was laid up after a car crash, and had to be told by my husband to ring me when I was in hospital after a medical emergency.

She didn’t know my DD at all, and wasn’t interested. When my DD was about 10 we had a family get together at my sisters. All my DD’s cousins were there and she had a lovely time. My mother complained after, that my DD hadn’t come up to my mother to talk, so that’s why they hadn’t had any contact. I wanted to ask my mother who she thought was the grownup in the room.

Its difficult because we are hardwired to seek love from our childhood caregivers, and I don’t think we ever inwardly stop.

These feelings will possibly be always with you, but the best you can do is keep listening to your head, not your heart.

It seems they bring nothing to you are your families lives so I wouldn't feel bad for cutting them off.

You can do the fade out and avoid their drama.