I don't feel I owe my parents anything

[Flamingoose]

They were not terrible parents. Of their generation, I suppose. My mum likes to say that 'parent' was a noun not a verb when we were kids. They were mostly okay and occasionally really shit.

When I turned 16 they more or less said, welp, we're done. We've taught you everything we know and you're on your own now. They moved to another country and I lived in bedsits or occasionally with relatives. They financially supported me until I was 18. I had 3 jobs through uni. I did okay. Met my husband quite young. Settled down earlier than I should but that's turned out okay too. They were the same (worse) with my older brother. Always babied my little bother though. He lived at home until his 20s, and still has a bedroom at home now (40s)

I decided at some point to stop thinking of them as 'parents' and stop expecting them to fill that role. If they're just a lovely couple I know they're good fun. In my 20s we all ended up living in the same country. We saw them a bit more. 2 weeks before my first baby was born they moved to Portugal. That was 17 years ago. They're very happy there I think. We've seen them a handful of times. They don't really know my kids. We did offer to pay for them to come over and see us but they said no thanks. When my youngest was due, my mum sent me an odd message saying "you know I'll come and stay to help you when the baby is born, but you mustn't think I want to come. I'd much rather not. But I will if you need me to, but this is your third so you know what you're doing, so you don't need me do you?" It was odd because it hadn't occurred to me that she'd come. She didn't come for any of the others!

Then my granny got old and unwell and they were awful to her. Really horrid. I offered to have granny with us but they said no. I deeply regret not pushing it. I think the last year of my granny's life was awful. In the end they put her in a nursing home in Portugal. She didn't speak Portuguese.

Now they're older. When I speak to them on the phone (once every 3 weeks because I'm not allowed to phone more often than that. It's a rule.) they talk wistfully of their friends having visits from children and grandchildren. My dad's sister is recently widowed and her entire family have rallied round and made sure she is never alone and always included, they take her on holidays and have dinners and all go and stay. And, well, yes of course they do; that woman has been the lynchpin of their family all their lives.

They genuinely believe that they were great parents. They think we all get along wonderfully. They have no idea I'm a bit miffed by the way they've ignored me my entire life. They think they're great grandparents.

Mentally I have started again. I didn't get what I needed from them. I can't change that. What I can do is focus on my husband and our children. That's my family. My eldest is 16 and needs me more than ever. I hope I am a part of my children's lives, always. If they need me to be a 'Tuesday afternoons school pick-up granny', I'll be there! And if they have cats instead of kids, and live in a flat in New York, I'll go visit! And take catnip!

I can't decide if I'm justified in writing them off. I don't feel obliged to look after them in their old age.

But I also don't think it should be transactional. You didn't look after me, so I won't look after you. I don't want my kids to see me not look after my own parents. Someone has to break the cycle. Should it be me?

I feel the same about my dad theres no one else so I would sort out any admin, finding a home, sorting a will but otherwise nothing will change. He spent his life once I was 18 pleasing himself so I will be pleasing myself. I wouldn't leave him completely alone and would make sure he's got a decent standard of living but I wouldn't be running around taking care of him.

I just wanted to give 💐 to all posters on here who didn't have the love, nurture or care they needed as children and/ or now. I had the most phenomenal mam (and a good dad) and every time I read these threads I thank the universe.

All of you have broken that cycle by acknowledging what happened and moving on as informed adults. Those who are parents are forging a new, different, nurturing path with your own children. That's bloody hard to do with no example.

Nobody "owes" their parents anything because that's not how life works. Either engage with them or don't engage with them, but it's totally your choice.

OP my heart goes out to you. I've parents who are the same and who now live thousands of miles away. They are not very emotionally intelligent and are quite transactional with relationships. I'm no contact now - they don't get on and Mum's become alcoholic. I would dearly love them to be happy but they don't seem to have the skill set to achieve that for themselves. I'm very sad about this and I feel so sad to see extended families out enjoying themselves because I can't give that to ds. On the other had I hope DH and I have given ds a loving supportive base.

Learn as much as you can from the experience OP and don't be hard on yourself. You sound like a super person.

Puffalicious thank you for the flowers. I'm glad you have a loving Mam and Dad and a supportive family - makes my heart sing because that's the way it should be.

I agree with@zafferana you have to be there for your DC's whatever their age. My DC's are all adults and the fact that they are still fairly "local" to us stops DH and I moving away.
Over the last few years a couple of them have had a "crisis", and I hope DH and I have been there for them.
I was so thrilled when the GC's arrived but sadlly one of the "crisis's" was the traumatic loss of them.
Our Dc's are precious to us, my heart aches for posters on here who detail how their parents have been lacking.
Op its up to you if you want to be the bigger person, but I don't know how many of us could get over being told "You're on your own" at age 16

It sounds like they had kids because it was expected of them but weren't cut out for it (for the first 2 anyway)

Its difficult because we are hardwired to seek love from our childhood caregivers, and I don’t think we ever inwardly stop.

These feelings will possibly be always with you, but the best you can do is keep listening to your head, not your heart.

This is so true!

"You reap what you sow" is my favourite saying...to the point I've been tempted to have a tattoo of it.

Much the same story as the OP - shit parents who did the bare minimum but no more. My mother used me as an emotional crutch from when I was 9 as my father was working abroad and rarely came home. My parents split when I was 21 and my mother emotionally blackmailed me and my two brothers into cutting all contact with him.

I'm now 53 and have very limited contact with my mother, I deliberately live on the other side of the world from her. I've not physically seen her in 13 years and call her on average every 2 months...she never calls me. She has no insight and still thinks we are close and is in complete denial about how stressful and shit my childhood was. I did used to feel sorry for her, but as I've got older the fact that she put her marriage to my father ahead of the wellbeing of her 3 children has angered me more.

You reap what you sow.

Your parents didn’t put in any effort when you were young or since, it’s very unreasonable and entitled for them to be expecting anything now.

A lovely couple? They sound horrible. I wouldn't be remainingbin contact with them at all!!

It's really true that you get out what you put in. Don't feel guilty

DHs mother did what I called the bare minimum when he was growing up. I don’t think she was massively interested in being a parent.
However she still thought that DH would give up his entire life to go live with her and basically parent her once she was widowed.
He didn’t but so much of his life revolves around her and managing her life. This was a woman who wouldn’t come and visit when he nearly died in his 20’s because ‘there was nothing wrong with him’.

Mine are the same. I focus on my own DC and they are my priority so when DM had a party for her 70th bday and DS has an exam the next day none of us went. She kicked off and went mental - so what. I tell her straight that DC are my priority and she is way down my list, as I am way down hers. Both my parents have improved as a result. My F uses my business now and I invoice him in full - no freebies at all - he respects me more now. Pull up the drawbridge.

I have nothing to add, OP, other than be careful: When one of them dies you might suddenly find the remaining parent expecting you to look after them.

Yes barbra we had to put strict boundaries in. Nobody could give up their own families...... You reap what you sow. She 80. I call once a week its more than plenty. Its negative negative

You mentioned feeling like you should set an example to your dc. To dance round your parents now just teaches your dc to have slack boundaries, that someone who hasn't done the right thing can expect to be treated well. Set the example of choosing to say no to people who don't deserve your time.

I also have/had ignoring parent OP. Though in my case some nasty abuse thrown in for good measure. Like yours, almost totally self-involved. My mother also (irony) has a very transactional view of relationships. I also think such parents instil some kind of over-conscientiousness in their children to prioritise their needs, supporting their view that they and their needs come first. You sound like you’ve done well. I think you should maintain your distance, ideally even increase it.

PS Re. their sudden sentimentality over seeing others’ GC etc. I would say what they see is the ‘rewards’ others receive, but prefer not to bother with making any effort themselves

@Shehasadiamondinthesky
People of the Lie by Scott Peck, agree it’s a great book. An old one now. It’s fundamental premise is that narcissists cannot cope with truth. Absolutely 100% on the money, in my experience. I remember my mother (strong narcissist traits) literally screaming at her GC, my 8!year old son “Don’t tell the truth, don’t tell the truth”. Hair raising stuff. They are in their own reality, however well-masked, and will crush or resist anything that doesn’t conform to that. For those of us not in denial, and seeing reality, that is a mighty confrontation. Unfortunately, as their children, we can be on the receiving end of that 🙁

Absolutely, it made me face what exactly I was dealing with and I decided to leave and never look back.

Sorry, but you reap what you sow.
Some people just shouldn’t have children. You owe them nothing.
Just concentrate putting all your loving efforts in to your little family.

My Dad video called me a few months ago. Out of the blue. I only answered because I panicked that he might be calling about my Gran, who’d had a hip replacement a few days prior (Grandad is deaf so can’t ring me and he’s averse do any technology, and her texts have been garbled because morphine!)

My 6YO asked my 13YO “Who’s that man?” “It’s her Daddy” “But Mummy doesn’t have a Daddy?”

He heard. He thought it was funny. I said I thought it was sad and pathetic and if he wasn’t calling in regards to my Grandparents, why was he calling?

Started rambling about his 60th birthday. I asked him where the fuck was he on my 30th? My 21st? My 10th?

He hung up.

Him and his Current Wife (which is what she is, she’s his fifth wife) live a mere 5 miles away.

I haven’t seen them in person for over a decade.

My Mum died when I was 21, he was on Wife 3 by then.

I don’t owe him a damn thing, not even politeness , IMO.

OP, you mentioned that you worried about setting a good example for your children. I think you are still enmeshed in some unhealthy sense of duty. You aren't actually setting a good example if you are martyring yourself and making a sacrifice for those unworthy of it. On the contrary, you are actually signalling to them that people can be abusive and neglectful and yet need not expect any consequences for their actions. How is that a good example for their future interpersonal relationships? Far better to to show some healthy boundaries and self worth!

I also used to phone my couldn't care less parents every three weeks or so. Then I stopped. The catalyst was that I moved to a new city which was bombed by terrorists 3 months after I moved there. The blast was so loud it shook my house. I thought the boiler had blown up in the kitchen so I rushed in, expecting to see my other half splattered all over the walls but he wasn't thankfully. Anyhoo, my parents didn't phone of course to see if we were still alive, so I stopped phoning them and our relationship continued spasmodically by e-mail only which I'm perfectly happy with and they don't seem to think it's weird at all and I see as little of them as possible without cutting them off completely. Stuff them.

What is your DP'/your family's relationship with his parents like? Can you set an example of healthy loving relationships with them?

Looking for a little help and understanding, so glad I found this. Not had the best of relationship with my parents, went NC a few years ago for a short time over something my dad did but as per usual felt guilty and picked up the phone. I'm an only child, they are now elderly and started having lots of health problems, they're in their 80's, also think they may have dementia too. They are not needy people, however, they never contact me just to say 'hello' and I only ever get a call when something goes wrong or they can't deal with anything. Have had no relationship with their GD, I find it all so sad. Guilt is an awful thing and I am finding it so debilitating now. Contemplating moving, as I know distance will help, it did in the past. They moved a few years ago as mum wanted to be closer to me but my dad does not like my mum having a close relationship with me or grand daughter, it seems to make him jealous. Therefore, they only seem to want me around to pick up the pieces. I've been to counselling a couple of times, I get things off my chest but not sure if it really helps. I have tried to speak to them both throughout the years and they just say I am being silly, or mum says, just ignore him you know what he's like. Never thought, at this age in my 50's that I would be feeling like this. Don't know what I expect from this post, safety in numbers I suppose. Thanks for listening.😊