I don't feel I owe my parents anything

[Flamingoose]

They were not terrible parents. Of their generation, I suppose. My mum likes to say that 'parent' was a noun not a verb when we were kids. They were mostly okay and occasionally really shit.

When I turned 16 they more or less said, welp, we're done. We've taught you everything we know and you're on your own now. They moved to another country and I lived in bedsits or occasionally with relatives. They financially supported me until I was 18. I had 3 jobs through uni. I did okay. Met my husband quite young. Settled down earlier than I should but that's turned out okay too. They were the same (worse) with my older brother. Always babied my little bother though. He lived at home until his 20s, and still has a bedroom at home now (40s)

I decided at some point to stop thinking of them as 'parents' and stop expecting them to fill that role. If they're just a lovely couple I know they're good fun. In my 20s we all ended up living in the same country. We saw them a bit more. 2 weeks before my first baby was born they moved to Portugal. That was 17 years ago. They're very happy there I think. We've seen them a handful of times. They don't really know my kids. We did offer to pay for them to come over and see us but they said no thanks. When my youngest was due, my mum sent me an odd message saying "you know I'll come and stay to help you when the baby is born, but you mustn't think I want to come. I'd much rather not. But I will if you need me to, but this is your third so you know what you're doing, so you don't need me do you?" It was odd because it hadn't occurred to me that she'd come. She didn't come for any of the others!

Then my granny got old and unwell and they were awful to her. Really horrid. I offered to have granny with us but they said no. I deeply regret not pushing it. I think the last year of my granny's life was awful. In the end they put her in a nursing home in Portugal. She didn't speak Portuguese.

Now they're older. When I speak to them on the phone (once every 3 weeks because I'm not allowed to phone more often than that. It's a rule.) they talk wistfully of their friends having visits from children and grandchildren. My dad's sister is recently widowed and her entire family have rallied round and made sure she is never alone and always included, they take her on holidays and have dinners and all go and stay. And, well, yes of course they do; that woman has been the lynchpin of their family all their lives.

They genuinely believe that they were great parents. They think we all get along wonderfully. They have no idea I'm a bit miffed by the way they've ignored me my entire life. They think they're great grandparents.

Mentally I have started again. I didn't get what I needed from them. I can't change that. What I can do is focus on my husband and our children. That's my family. My eldest is 16 and needs me more than ever. I hope I am a part of my children's lives, always. If they need me to be a 'Tuesday afternoons school pick-up granny', I'll be there! And if they have cats instead of kids, and live in a flat in New York, I'll go visit! And take catnip!

I can't decide if I'm justified in writing them off. I don't feel obliged to look after them in their old age.

But I also don't think it should be transactional. You didn't look after me, so I won't look after you. I don't want my kids to see me not look after my own parents. Someone has to break the cycle. Should it be me?

I have no contact with my mother at this point and her family: she has always been selfish, narcissistic and abusive. Always put herself first and lied/manipulated/controlled. She failed to do anything when I was bullied at school due to my odd appearance and lack of hygiene. My father was also physically violent towards me.

My parents failed to look after my physical and mental health and I had to teach myself all the basics that parents usually teach their kids: how to be clean, how to interact with people (I was so shy I could barely string a sentence together...).

It left me with life-long issues, including physically because they did nothing to correct some of the physical issues I had from birth that could have been sorted out in infancy which left with a disability.

So my point is because you are related to someone does not mean you have to love them or have them in your life if their behaviour was toxic/abusive/neglectful.

A much letter example to set for your children is standing up for yourself, and protecting yourself from people who don’t care about you.

I wouldn’t say it’s a good example to show your children that you have a turn a blind eye to all nastiness and abuse purely because you share DNA.

I also wouldn’t say it’s a great example to be calling as often as they allow you, trying to please them, and suit them, when your children know they have zero interest in their grandchildren.

All of these feelings of what you should do, or example you should set, or breaking the cycle etc is almost impossible to do without decent therapy.

But hopefully there will come a time when you see (without guilt) that you owe them NOTHING

They actually forbid you to phone more than once every 3 weeks? And when you do, they insinuate that they’re all sad because you and your kids don’t visit them? That’s incredibly twisted. They are not nice people.
Fast forward a few years and imagine they are very elderly and need care. How do you imagine your life if you decide to look after them? What exactly would you do?How would it affect your husband, children and possibly grandchildren? Would you move to Portugal? Or expect them to come back?
Most importantly, do you believe they’d be anything but nasty and manipulative if you did that? Anyone who can pull the phone-every-3-weeks rule and then be jealous of other people who get visits from their family is going to be massively difficult over offers of care. And with the passage of time they’ll only get more difficult. They’d make your life hell.
I think you know already that caring for them isn’t viable, and you’re trying to deal with the misplaced guilt because there’s an expectation that women look after their elderly parents. But you know that isn’t right for you. They’ve rejected you almost completely, so they made their choice.

You can demonstrate caring to your children without having to care for your parents. You can care about, visit and help other relatives/friends/neighbours. It doesn’t have to be massive, simple things demonstrate thinking of others before yourself, such as giving way/holding doors open, volunteering etc.

It’s a really tough one for me, I see so many similarities in my own situation however I didn’t realise how shit it was until I met my husband and his family 😭🙈 It never affected me much as a teenager/young adult, I just got on with it. Got my first job at 14, moved out after high school and worked my way through school and university. I only realised how sad it was when I met my husband and had kids of my own and now it breaks my heart a little ❤️‍🩹 They are older now and I still love them but I often cry for the kid I was growing up.

These are not nice people - they are the type who will give you nothing in life but take everything, when they need it. You don't owe them anything!

I've watched my parents try to maintain relationships with selfish parents and siblings who did nothing but please themselves, to my parents' detriment. It doesn't set a good example to your kids to see this - the best thing you can do for your children is not let your attention from them be diverted trying to help people who don't deserve it and wouldn't appreciate it!

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but I can see your worry is the example it sets your children.

It seems to me that you are setting them a good example - that you wouldn't martyr yourself for people who haven't been kind or supportive to you. It's an important and helpful lesson to learn!

Up until last year I believed I had a great relationship with my parents. That's until my grandmother got old and we thought we might lose her. The way she's being treated by her own children is sickening and it's made me see my whole childhood differently.

The neglect and lack of empathy they are showing a 100 year old woman rings back to my entire childhood. Something I always gave them a pass for because they worked full time and things weren't easy. As an adult myself who works full time I can now see that they weren't struggling they just didn't care, they were selfish. Now I'm pregnant I see them completely differently and our relationship will never be the same again

When my parents became old I did my best to support from a distance - although my sister who lived locally bore the brunt of the care.

But I could not help thinking back to how they treated their parents which was not good. They were open in their dislike of their parents and seeing them as a burden and a nuisance. Not a good example to set. I guess we reap what we sow.

Op, I was astonished when reading your post. I felt sad for the young teenaged you. And then the mother with a new baby. And your grandmother.

I'm sorry but what shit parents and people.

I would ignore their wistful comments about visits and support etc.

I'm sure there is no point in telling them the reality of their behaviour toward you and your older brother.

You focus on your dcs and your own family. Yes, break the cycle of awful parenting.

They sound horrible and selfish, not a ‘lovely couple’. I think what I’d find most sad if I were you is their disinterest in my children. My children are the most important things in my life by a mile so if my parents showed no interest in them I’d struggle to want to maintain a relationship.

You sound very clued up and as though you’ve handled this difficult situation really well.

The problem with having parents who are supposed to love you unconditionally, but don’t, is that you keep trying to get their approval. You keep playing by their “rules” with the phonecall every three weeks. What would happen if you stopped? What if you scoffed at their assertion that they are fab grandparents and said that they are deluded? Point out that they have had no genuine relationship with you at all and that they don’t know your kids either. Let them know that their idea of parenting is abnormal, disconnected and utterly fictitious. Also let them know that you hope their baby boy looks after them well in their dotage. You might feel great.

You were virtually abandoned by them at 16 which by any standards is terrible neglect.

Likewise they abandoned your grandmother.

These are not good decent people.

A lot of time can be spent and wasted by trying to "understand" them, when really the holy grail is "acceptance".

Acceptance means that you accept who they are and that they failed you.

Acceptance means you know that you cannot change the past and trying to is a futile waste of energy.

Acceptance means that you can say I choose to forgive you, for ME.

Acceptance can help you realise that you don't owe them anything but your good wishes, as in "I wish you well, but have NO wish to engage with you".

You can model kindness towards lots of people, for your children to witness.

You don't have to do it to people who neglected, abused or were unkind to you.

Nourish and cherish the child you were, accepting that you deserve to be loved, by that I mean, do nice things for you, choose to go easy on yourself when you fxxk up, just like you would comfort your own child, parent yourself kindly.

Unfortunately unless you CHOOSE to accept the past, it will remain with you, lodged in your chest.

Far better to actively choose to accept it as it was, and decide to live your best life despite the past.

There is NO other way.

Not easy, but it can be done, and those that manage it, are able to contented lives in the short time they have on earth.

Just so you know, I had similar abusive parents. I thought I was doing the right thing by dropping everything and nursing them when they were diagnosed with life-limiting illnesses. There were no Disney moments. No recognition. Just more entitlement and abuse. My little (at the time) kids missed me and my parents were fucking horrible. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time and I have serious regrets about it now.

They're reaping what they sowed, I wouldn't feel bad. They washed their hands of you and your older brother as soon as they felt they could, let your younger brother deal with them as they get old and frail. My mother had her moments, but she didn't kick me out of the door at 16, that's horrendous. Just keep doing the opposite of what your mother did and you'll be grand with a family you can be proud of

I'm so sorry you had parents like that.

You don't need a crystal ball to know that they will expect you to care for them when they are old and that any inheritance will go to your brother who lives with them.