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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do you forgive..

57 replies

Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 15:34

how do you forgive a breach of trust? I've commented and posted on so many threads here about how amazing my relationship is, yet here I am now after finding out my partner has been looking at hook up sites this week. He promises he never messaged, met up, nothing...it was just part of a rush doing it and looking at what people are doing on there. He can't give me a reason why he did it.

He makes me feel wanted and loved every single day since I met him, we have so many future plans and this has totally thrown me because we are SO in love - we are best friends. I love his family, he loves mine. I can't imagine life without him. I asked him to leave, and he did. But does this really have to be the end? Am I a mug to allow him another chance? My brain is fried.

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 17/06/2022 15:36

How long have you been with him? Do you have any children?

Ohthatsexciting · 17/06/2022 15:37

I've commented and posted on so many threads here about how amazing my relationship is,

I interpret most posters doing this as feeling insecure about their relationship

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 15:37

We've been together a year and a half. No children together but we do have kids ourselves.

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 17/06/2022 15:38

live together?

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 15:38

Ohthatsexciting · 17/06/2022 15:37

I've commented and posted on so many threads here about how amazing my relationship is,

I interpret most posters doing this as feeling insecure about their relationship

I don't actively post threads about how amazing he is...more that if there's a "tell me your amazing love story" thread...id comment

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 15:39

Yes we live together, only very recent

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 15:43

He promises he never messaged, met up, nothing...it was just part of a rush doing it and looking at what people are doing on there.

That's the best excuse he could come up with? Looking at what people are doing? Please.

He's just sad he got caught.

Ohthatsexciting · 17/06/2022 15:45

What a shame. Just when you open up your children’s lives, he metaphorically shits over your relationship.

There is not a chance I would risk this kind of sordid drama in to my children’s lives (and homes!). I’d cut my losses and end things now. This will only go one way. Down. If not for you, for your children

ItDoesMyHeadIn · 17/06/2022 15:48

How do I forgive? I don't.

Windmillwhirl · 17/06/2022 15:53

Everyone is going to tell you what they'd do. None of it really matters. What matters is if you can get past this or not.

Maybe he did just look. Maybe he did more. You are only ever going to have his word. If you feel you are going to spend the rest of your life doubting him then the best option for you is to move on.

Every person has the capacity to hurt us, even those we think never would.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 15:53

ItDoesMyHeadIn · 17/06/2022 15:48

How do I forgive? I don't.

Exactly. Why would you forgive this?

Watchkeys · 17/06/2022 16:53

Why do you want to forgive someone who has breached your trust? It doesn't matter if he 'did anything about it' - the fact that he looked is the problem. His response tells you everything: defense, defense, defense. Has he asked you what you need, or has he simply protected his own ego?

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 17:05

He's totally owned it all, handed his phone straight over to me to look at. He's not making excuses or defending himself, nor is he minimising how bad it is what he's done. He's said it's the rush and excitement of seeing people on there doing things they shouldn't, more than him actually seeking anything himself. I wholeheartedly believe he's never met with anyone..maybe I'm a mug though

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 17/06/2022 17:11

What kind of hook up site OP? Swobgers? Adult work? Or dating sites…?

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 17:11

Fab x

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 17/06/2022 17:11

Ffs what’s a swobgar? My phone!!!
Swingers

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 17:12

I knew what you meant. Fab, so he said the feed intrigues him..seeing what people are asking for and posting

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 17/06/2022 17:15

Yeah, I’d think that was bullshit.

Ohthatsexciting · 17/06/2022 17:15

Ffs

he has just moved In with you and your children

he has no respect for you or them
So you must have respect for yourself and thenm

Badger1970 · 17/06/2022 17:17

If you forgive this, he's got the green light to treat you like shit forever. No happy and content man looks on hook up sites "just because".

Get an STI and change the locks. You're worth better.

Blue4YOU · 17/06/2022 17:17

I mean, he’s interested enough in the notion of sexually open relationships and encounters, which a stable relationship doesn’t provide if it’s not part of the agreement.
What does his profile say?

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 17:20

He deleted the profile before I found out. I saw an incognito browser open on his phone and looked - it was the website but he'd already deleted his account because he knew he'd done wrong. I've asked him what it said, including what his username was and he told me the username he used but said he didn't add a bio and just ticked things quickly when signing up, it wasn't a complete profile..no pictures. God knows what I believe

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 17/06/2022 17:20

‘Sorry love, I just got a rush out of sticking my dick in some random’ will be the next excuse then it will move onto ‘I’m a sex addict’.
if you have only just started living together this is not stuff of dreams is it? Sorry to be harsh but you deserve better than this low bar ❤️

Tryhard40 · 17/06/2022 17:22

I knew what you were going to say he'd done just from reading the title.

The truth is you don't get over it - I'm ten years on and I still think about it almost every day (he had messaged other women too and talked about meeting up - but denied anything ever happened). The difference was I was pregnant and unmarried with another dc with him. I was in a very vulnerable position. I was also very embarrassed to tell people - everyone thought I had the perfect partner. Now I wouldn't care about that.

I do love him and he's great in many ways but il never trust him again and I still get angry. It's like a form of mental torture I feel sometimes. I wonder what he's doing when he's at work...is he really just working all day etc? Is it worth it? I'm not sure.
I definitely don't think of him as being the great person I thought he was before - I lost a lot of respect for him and honestly? If I was to win the lottery tomorrow and be financially independent I'm not sure I'd stay.
Another thing that keeps me here is laziness - I can't be bothered going through the rigmarole of separation, the upset it would cause the dc's and having to start over. I also don't have a very high opinion of men in general so the thought of starting a new relationship leaves me cold and tbh I don't like the thought of growing old alone.

You have to decide if it's worth it for you because honestly, it's like that old saying "if a mirror breaks you can glue it back together but you'll still see the cracks". Trust is only there until it's broken and then it can't ever be replaced - you'll always be wondering IMO.

Im sorry you're in this position - it's shit.

totallyoutnumbered · 17/06/2022 17:27

I feel for you OP. I couldn't either forgive or forget tbh