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Original poster

how do you forgive..

57 replies

Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 15:34

how do you forgive a breach of trust? I've commented and posted on so many threads here about how amazing my relationship is, yet here I am now after finding out my partner has been looking at hook up sites this week. He promises he never messaged, met up, nothing...it was just part of a rush doing it and looking at what people are doing on there. He can't give me a reason why he did it.

He makes me feel wanted and loved every single day since I met him, we have so many future plans and this has totally thrown me because we are SO in love - we are best friends. I love his family, he loves mine. I can't imagine life without him. I asked him to leave, and he did. But does this really have to be the end? Am I a mug to allow him another chance? My brain is fried.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 17/06/2022 17:30

The fact that he's been caught on a swingers website doesn't look good in terms of trust going forward. That he owned up to it and handed over his phone for inspection doesn't really earn him brownie points, it just means he couldn't plausibly deny it in the moment. No doubt he's curious, but that's something he could have come to you with and spoken about, rather than a covert solo mission. It looks likely that he's not quite ready to hang up his boots just yet, and at the very least this shows a massive lack of judgement on his part having recently moved in with you, but moreso your kids.
There are plenty of people that operate happily without monogamy but it needs to be part of the deal and mutually agreed, rather than something one of you gets busted for.

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 17:33

That's exactly what I said to him - why not come to me and talk about what he's craving. I'm open minded to alot of things..we talk about anything and everything sexually etc usually. The fact he's sat at work on his lunch break browsing behind my back just turns my stomach

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 17:34

Tryhard40 · 17/06/2022 17:22

I knew what you were going to say he'd done just from reading the title.

The truth is you don't get over it - I'm ten years on and I still think about it almost every day (he had messaged other women too and talked about meeting up - but denied anything ever happened). The difference was I was pregnant and unmarried with another dc with him. I was in a very vulnerable position. I was also very embarrassed to tell people - everyone thought I had the perfect partner. Now I wouldn't care about that.

I do love him and he's great in many ways but il never trust him again and I still get angry. It's like a form of mental torture I feel sometimes. I wonder what he's doing when he's at work...is he really just working all day etc? Is it worth it? I'm not sure.
I definitely don't think of him as being the great person I thought he was before - I lost a lot of respect for him and honestly? If I was to win the lottery tomorrow and be financially independent I'm not sure I'd stay.
Another thing that keeps me here is laziness - I can't be bothered going through the rigmarole of separation, the upset it would cause the dc's and having to start over. I also don't have a very high opinion of men in general so the thought of starting a new relationship leaves me cold and tbh I don't like the thought of growing old alone.

You have to decide if it's worth it for you because honestly, it's like that old saying "if a mirror breaks you can glue it back together but you'll still see the cracks". Trust is only there until it's broken and then it can't ever be replaced - you'll always be wondering IMO.

Im sorry you're in this position - it's shit.

I'm so sorry you've been through that and that you're still struggling. That must be really hard :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 17:35

Appreciate everyone's responses btw x

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 17/06/2022 17:35

What did he say when you asked him why he wasn't more open about it?

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 17:40

That he doesn't know why, he knows I'm understanding and he wishes he never did it. That he wishes he just looked at porn or whatever (which is a mutual green light in our relationship)

OP posts:
glowbabe · 17/06/2022 17:48

He's probably just being nosy snd curious to see if he knows someone but has no intention of following through and actually meeting someone.

Pastaa · 17/06/2022 17:50

This isn't a very long relationship where these websites and apps didn't exist. He would have been single 18 months ago and could have investigated these things back then. I'd say porn isn't helping either but that's a different story.

First you need to ask yourself whether you actually want to forgive. Then you need to really examine your motive for forgiveness. Is it from fear of another failed relationship? genuine love? financial worries? and so on.

Then you both need to understand why you he did it. He knows why, it's no good fobbing you off with wishy washy excuses. He knows. He needs to be totally honest. Then he needs to be remorseful and act like it.

Showing you the phone is meaningless because he could have a burner phone and having an empty profile doesn't mean much either because lots of men message women with an empty profile. Even photos they exchange them privately stating privacy concerns.

GreenManalishi · 17/06/2022 17:52

Sleep on it, nothing's going to change overnight. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker, for some people it would be a non issue with nothing to forgive, others would be packing a bag. It depends on the dynamic between you. I wish you well x

Ohthatsexciting · 17/06/2022 18:06

glowbabe · 17/06/2022 17:48

He's probably just being nosy snd curious to see if he knows someone but has no intention of following through and actually meeting someone.

Goodness that is quite a positive rose tinted extrapolation to make

frozendaisy · 17/06/2022 18:07

Under 2 years in, just moved in together and he created some sort of porn profile online.

Sounds like he thought all settled, feet under table can do what I like now.

Not good enough for me. But maybe for you.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/06/2022 18:13

I'm not big on forgiveness, if a man does this to me he's dumped end of.
Mind you I often look at dating sites even though I have no intention whatever of dating anyone. It's boredom and seeing the gargoyles my age on there puts me right off.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 17/06/2022 18:19

I am sorry you are in this situation OP.

He has demonstrated that his actions don't match your value system or the type of relationship you thought you had.

He has abused your trust.

I would agree that using porn hasn't helped (says a lot about his attitude to women) but even so he should not have deceived you in this way.

If he doesn't want monogamy then that's his choice but he should be more open about it.

Hurstlandshome · 17/06/2022 18:36

What is Fab?

Whorules · 18/06/2022 13:23

I am in pretty much the same position but with a dating site. Found my H profile on there after snooping on his laptop. This was nearly 4 weeks ago now and I am still in absolute turmoil over what to do. Like yours he never messaged anybody, never had any intention of meeting up with anybody blah blah. The reason he did it was because he felt like I wasnt that interested in him and didnt put him first (this is true I will admit I have have had health problems that have led to feelings of apathy) which for me is absolutely no excuse to check out other women. Problem is I cannot trust him, I love him but I don't trust him. It is agony trying to decide what to do, I am completely torn.

Oodie29 · 18/06/2022 14:48

It's only 18 months in and no kids together, I really wouldn't be bothered tormenting yourself to rebuild trust. Because maybe the fact is that you shouldn't trust him again. He fucked up and there are consequences. I also don't really believe his light and breezy rationale, but I'm cynical enough these days. Isn't life hard enough without taking on all this shit too?

MadMadMadamMim · 18/06/2022 15:03

18 months in, no kids together I'd get rid of him without a second glance. For all your talk of being SO in love, being best friends, loving each other's families etc the brutal, cold, hard truth is he couldn't even make it to 2 years with you without feeling the need to check out whether there was better or more exciting, illicit sex out there.

That's not a keeper. Not someone you can trust. Not someone you want round your kids. I'd not waste a minute's grief on him. I'd be grateful I'd discovered he was a twat and I'd move on.

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 06:34

The op won’t be back
she will plough on with him, with this amazing, incredible love of her life (who 18 months in, moves in with her and her children and decides he is “intrigued” by a sordid hook up website)
and then she will discover more sordid crap about him
but she will crack on. She will likely fall pregnant, in the vain hope that it will mean he will commit to her. Meanwhile her children grow up in a home with an unhappy mother and a man they barely know who is constantly glued to his phone

and then finally he will cheat on the op
but still she won’t kick him out because now heavily pregnant
but he will leave her, because he got new girlfriend pregnant

op I would out money on above happening

so take control now

and end it

Joystir59 · 19/06/2022 06:46

I wouldn't forgive this. You are better off on your own.

JuneJubilee · 19/06/2022 06:55

Namechanged454 · 17/06/2022 15:39

Yes we live together, only very recent

Hi, I'm sorry. If you don't split up, things will never be the same now anyway.

he ha taken the 'amazing' shine off of it.

hook up sites - why does he want to know 'what's out there'? He's looked this week (and presumably told you it was only this week?) & you caught him?! He's either paryy to icularky stupid or he wanted to hurt/keep you in line with a bit of control.

stop & think what you'd have told someone else if they posted what you have?

once that trust bubble is popped, it'll never be the same.

im sorry the shit bag has done this to you and both your kids, but He has, not you. Him.

Great start to Fathers Day.

Original poster
Namechanged454 · 19/06/2022 13:27

@ohthatsexciting I assure you that won't be happening, no more babies are exiting me that's for sure so your story is very much flawed 🤣

I would never ever tolerate messaging, emotional cheating or physical...and I know that. I know in my heart I couldn't and wouldn't ever forgive that - I've left a man after ten years together and rebuilt my life so I have no worries that I wouldn't cope without him or that I can't be alone. This isn't as extreme as actual cheating which is the only reason I feel so torn and confused. Please don't assume you know me and what I'd do in situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged454 · 19/06/2022 13:28

I really appreciate everyone's comments and advice ❤️

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 19/06/2022 13:36

I don't. Once you've broken my trust, that's it for me.

I'm not a forgiving person in circumstances like this. I wouldn't trust them again so wouldn't see the point in continuing and feel like I'm waiting for the next breach of trust.

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 13:37

no but in the context of where your relationship is ie a mere 18 months in and he has just moved in to the home of you and your family, I would argue that it is in line with “extreme cheating” because it’s not like he can say he’s been married twenty years and the rel is stale and loveless

Ohthatsexciting · 19/06/2022 13:37

Ie there wasn’t any “push” factors
but he chose to do it anyway

so what happens when life gets in the way and there are “push” factors?

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