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Original poster

Slept with friend, now he's acting weird.

65 replies

Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 14:45

I work at a hospital, so does my friend. Different departments. We know each other because we are the same profession and grade. We text, eat lunch together at work sometimes, and I've been to the cinema with him and his friends.

Last weekend a group of us went out, I was tipsy and hit on him. He was surprised and said he had no idea I saw him that way. Anyway, we slept together. After we did, he told me that he needed to be up front and say he wasn't looking for anything casual because his parents are strict and he has to marry someone from the same background as him (I'm white).

I said this was fine. I'm not ready to commit at the moment.

He also mentioned that he doesn't like to tell people about these kinds of arrangements but he didn't specify why not. Maybe to avoid the hospital rumour mill?

He texted me the next day, just a simple chat about how nice my flat is. I didn't see him in person until yesterday and I haven't initiated any chats to keep it chill.

I was working with a colleague who's in the same friendship group as the man I slept with. Colleague and I went to eat lunch in the canteen. Man I slept with was eating with 3 of his male friends. When my colleague and I walked over, the man I slept with said "hey", and kept looking from me to my colleague with a sort of "wide eyed" expression, then when we said we'd sit down he suddenly excused himself and claimed he had to get back to work to complete a small job that was due for 2pm. It was 12:50.

The disappearance was so abrupt that my colleague privately commented that the man I slept with behaved very strangely, and asked me what was going on.

I'm worried he's ashamed of me because I'm ugly and he doesn't want anyone to know. 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 14:45

Sorry, that should have said he "wasn't looking for anything serious"

OP posts:
SummerIsComingNowish · 17/06/2022 14:49

He's probably just feeling awkward and it's his own shit nothing you have done and I'm 100% sure you are not ugly!!
But I understand why you must think like that as I tend to go straight for the 'it must be me' reasoning too.
I'm sure this will blow over given time

Beamur · 17/06/2022 14:50

It's not because of how you look.
I'm guessing it's because he doesn't want a romantic or sexual relationship with you. Maybe he does feel a bit awkward and doesn't know how to put things back to how they were.
I would say he doesn't want it to be common knowledge that you two have been intimate.
Did you get the impression he did want to see you again? My interpretation could be way off.

TigerLilyTail · 17/06/2022 14:51

I don't think he would have slept with you if he thought you were ugly.

It sounds like maybe he doesn't sleep with a lot of women, so felt awkward about the situation and didn't know what to say.

Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 14:52

Beamur · 17/06/2022 14:50

It's not because of how you look.
I'm guessing it's because he doesn't want a romantic or sexual relationship with you. Maybe he does feel a bit awkward and doesn't know how to put things back to how they were.
I would say he doesn't want it to be common knowledge that you two have been intimate.
Did you get the impression he did want to see you again? My interpretation could be way off.

After he told me he can't do anything serious because of the cultural incompatibility, I said I'm really only open to a FWB setup and he said "great, that works for me", kissed me goodbye and said he'd text me. So it seemed he was very keen to keep things going. Hence this surprised me a bit.

OP posts:
54isanopendoor · 17/06/2022 14:52

It's not to do with whether you are attractive or not. Put that out of your head.

He's just awkward as he knows it can't go any further (even if he wants it to).

It's ALWAYS tricky mixing work & pleasure.
Best not to sleep with workmates (no judgement, I did it twice when younger)
But it's messy & can leave you feeling awkward all around.

Just be bright & breezy & you will soon 'just be mates' again. x

Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 14:53

SummerIsComingNowish · 17/06/2022 14:49

He's probably just feeling awkward and it's his own shit nothing you have done and I'm 100% sure you are not ugly!!
But I understand why you must think like that as I tend to go straight for the 'it must be me' reasoning too.
I'm sure this will blow over given time

Thanks. I was bullied at school by some older boys, who used to grope me and then act disgusted and pretend to vomit so I always go back to that and assume rejection is because I'm not pretty.

OP posts:
Fullsomefrenchie · 17/06/2022 14:54

Why would you think it meant you were ugly?

Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 14:57

Fullsomefrenchie · 17/06/2022 14:54

Why would you think it meant you were ugly?

I guess it made me feel like he was ashamed his friends would realise he had sex with me.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 17/06/2022 15:03

I guess it made me feel like he was ashamed his friends would realise he had sex with me.

It's not about shame, but he's already said that he doesn't want people to know, which is wise with work, but harder to pull off in practice than it might've seemed when he said it. In reality, he clearly found it tricky to manage and as you're vulnerable to thinking to worst of yourself, I'd say best to not be FWBs with this one. He wasn't expecting the sex, obviously liked you enough to get swept up in it, but doesn't want a relationship or to be able to handle the social/public side, so this would only be the start of the headfucks. Chalk it up to a fun evening and either go back to being just friends or have a little more distance if it helps. Work and play can get messy very fast.

Ravenclawdropout · 17/06/2022 15:05

It sounds from what you have said that having a ONS is against the moral code of his family/community/religion and he's regretting his behavior but not because of you. He probably doesn't know what to say because he likely would love a FWB situation but it runs against his personal beliefs. His awkwardness and not knowing what to say gives that impression.

He is definitely being immature and has no reason to make you feel uncomfortable about a decision HE made. I'm guessing he hasn't run into this situation at work before and doesn't know how to handle it. He may be afraid his behavior gets back to people in his personal life and he would be embarrassed; but not because of you but because he broke a moral code.

Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 15:05

Pinkdelight3 · 17/06/2022 15:03

I guess it made me feel like he was ashamed his friends would realise he had sex with me.

It's not about shame, but he's already said that he doesn't want people to know, which is wise with work, but harder to pull off in practice than it might've seemed when he said it. In reality, he clearly found it tricky to manage and as you're vulnerable to thinking to worst of yourself, I'd say best to not be FWBs with this one. He wasn't expecting the sex, obviously liked you enough to get swept up in it, but doesn't want a relationship or to be able to handle the social/public side, so this would only be the start of the headfucks. Chalk it up to a fun evening and either go back to being just friends or have a little more distance if it helps. Work and play can get messy very fast.

Thanks, this is good advice. I guess maybe it is a bit odd that my assumption is that he thought I was ugly. That's just how my brain seems to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 15:07

Ravenclawdropout · 17/06/2022 15:05

It sounds from what you have said that having a ONS is against the moral code of his family/community/religion and he's regretting his behavior but not because of you. He probably doesn't know what to say because he likely would love a FWB situation but it runs against his personal beliefs. His awkwardness and not knowing what to say gives that impression.

He is definitely being immature and has no reason to make you feel uncomfortable about a decision HE made. I'm guessing he hasn't run into this situation at work before and doesn't know how to handle it. He may be afraid his behavior gets back to people in his personal life and he would be embarrassed; but not because of you but because he broke a moral code.

Yeah there could be something in this.

However, during the sex itself he wasn't very awkward and seemed experienced. He was a little nervous initiating and wanted us to pick up more alcohol and put music on. But some of the stuff he was saying did seem to indicate he'd done this before.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2022 15:21

I'm going to be stern. You've let a bunch of repulsive little scooters get into your head. They groped you and then did what they did because they are scum, misogynistic scum.

You aren't ugly, you aren't shameful, they were. Head up, don't give them another second of free rental space in your head. Little buggers I hope their next shit is a hedgehog.

Beamur · 17/06/2022 15:40

You've done nothing wrong here.
I'd put this one down to experience. He's made it clear that a relationship is a non starter and given how awkward you have both found seeing each other again afterwards, I'd say this would be a very poor choice of a FWB situation.
Don't let it knock you though.

picklemewalnuts · 17/06/2022 15:40

Is the colleague you were with male or female? I'd guess he either thought you were 'friends' with the male colleague as well, and was jealous, or thought you'd told the female colleague about your liaison.

Whatever, he doesn't know how to 'act normal' so he's blowing it!

Try not to worry and overthink- he's doing that already!

Ravenclawdropout · 17/06/2022 16:09

Yes, not suggesting he is inexperienced but let's say he knows he is being hypocritical. Also its probably just down to being work colleagues. It can be very awkward and some people are useless at being discrete!

DeadButDelicious · 17/06/2022 16:22

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2022 15:21

I'm going to be stern. You've let a bunch of repulsive little scooters get into your head. They groped you and then did what they did because they are scum, misogynistic scum.

You aren't ugly, you aren't shameful, they were. Head up, don't give them another second of free rental space in your head. Little buggers I hope their next shit is a hedgehog.

This! All of this. I get it OP. I carried a lot of baggage from experiences like you describe well into my 20's, it was never you. It was them. Head up. You are beautiful. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

cushionpillow · 17/06/2022 16:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2022 15:21

I'm going to be stern. You've let a bunch of repulsive little scooters get into your head. They groped you and then did what they did because they are scum, misogynistic scum.

You aren't ugly, you aren't shameful, they were. Head up, don't give them another second of free rental space in your head. Little buggers I hope their next shit is a hedgehog.

This!!! Couldn't have said it better myself

DatingDinosaur · 17/06/2022 16:42

“He also mentioned that he doesn't like to tell people about these kinds of arrangements but he didn't specify why not”

Modesty? Cultural decorum? Respect for your reputation? And anyway, it’s nobody else’s business if you and him have “an arrangement”.

“When my colleague and I walked over, the man I slept with said "hey", and kept looking from me to my colleague with a sort of "wide eyed" expression, then when we said we'd sit down he suddenly excused himself and claimed he had to get back to work ”

Is it possible that his ‘looking from you to your colleague wide eyed’ expression was because he thinks or is wondering if you have “an arrangement” with this chap too?

Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 17:13

picklemewalnuts · 17/06/2022 15:40

Is the colleague you were with male or female? I'd guess he either thought you were 'friends' with the male colleague as well, and was jealous, or thought you'd told the female colleague about your liaison.

Whatever, he doesn't know how to 'act normal' so he's blowing it!

Try not to worry and overthink- he's doing that already!

Male. Most of my friends are men and usually 100% platonic.

(I'm not one of those women who doesn't like other women, I have some cherished female friends. I think it's because I grew up with 5 cousins and a brother).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 17:14

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2022 15:21

I'm going to be stern. You've let a bunch of repulsive little scooters get into your head. They groped you and then did what they did because they are scum, misogynistic scum.

You aren't ugly, you aren't shameful, they were. Head up, don't give them another second of free rental space in your head. Little buggers I hope their next shit is a hedgehog.

You're very kind. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sellingsunrises · 17/06/2022 17:15

DatingDinosaur · 17/06/2022 16:42

“He also mentioned that he doesn't like to tell people about these kinds of arrangements but he didn't specify why not”

Modesty? Cultural decorum? Respect for your reputation? And anyway, it’s nobody else’s business if you and him have “an arrangement”.

“When my colleague and I walked over, the man I slept with said "hey", and kept looking from me to my colleague with a sort of "wide eyed" expression, then when we said we'd sit down he suddenly excused himself and claimed he had to get back to work ”

Is it possible that his ‘looking from you to your colleague wide eyed’ expression was because he thinks or is wondering if you have “an arrangement” with this chap too?

Good points, thank you.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 17/06/2022 18:32

I think it is just because he feels awkward and because you work together, he could have been having a panic attack. Just leave him be and he will be ok and will be able to go back to how things were if that is what you want. If he is from a different culture then he is not used to this and just feels awkward.

declutteringmymind · 17/06/2022 18:40

He's ashamed. It sounds like he is torn between what he wants and what he thinks is culturally'allowed'. It's definitely him, not you.