Slept with friend, now he's acting weird.

[Sellingsunrises]

I work at a hospital, so does my friend. Different departments. We know each other because we are the same profession and grade. We text, eat lunch together at work sometimes, and I've been to the cinema with him and his friends.

Last weekend a group of us went out, I was tipsy and hit on him. He was surprised and said he had no idea I saw him that way. Anyway, we slept together. After we did, he told me that he needed to be up front and say he wasn't looking for anything casual because his parents are strict and he has to marry someone from the same background as him (I'm white).

I said this was fine. I'm not ready to commit at the moment.

He also mentioned that he doesn't like to tell people about these kinds of arrangements but he didn't specify why not. Maybe to avoid the hospital rumour mill?

He texted me the next day, just a simple chat about how nice my flat is. I didn't see him in person until yesterday and I haven't initiated any chats to keep it chill.

I was working with a colleague who's in the same friendship group as the man I slept with. Colleague and I went to eat lunch in the canteen. Man I slept with was eating with 3 of his male friends. When my colleague and I walked over, the man I slept with said "hey", and kept looking from me to my colleague with a sort of "wide eyed" expression, then when we said we'd sit down he suddenly excused himself and claimed he had to get back to work to complete a small job that was due for 2pm. It was 12:50.

The disappearance was so abrupt that my colleague privately commented that the man I slept with behaved very strangely, and asked me what was going on.

I'm worried he's ashamed of me because I'm ugly and he doesn't want anyone to know. 😔

The thing is, months ago we all went out and he kissed a white woman (friend of a friend) in a club. When I asked how it went later on, he told me they went on a date but they both wanted different things. Her side of the story was that he didn't offer to pay for dinner so she wrote him off!

We were chatting about dating in general and he said he mostly uses apps for his culture, so I mentioned "oh but x was white" and he said something about her being interested in his culture so it was OK.

So I guess that's on my mind now too and I'm over-thinking.

Also I understand cultural differences but I've never had a guy tell me they can't be with me because of my race before, and I find it a bit upsetting. I probably don't have a right to be offended but I feel a bit hurt by it as it isn't something I can change.

Is he South Asian? Either way, if you're good enough to sleep with, even if it's FWB, you're good enough to be treated with some decency and respect.

He sounds like a typical 'cultural coward' white girls are good enough for a shag but nothing more. Step away for the sake of your own self worth. Even FWB requires mutual worth and understanding, he isn't giving you that.

For context, I'm Indian, he won't change and you deserve better.

Yeah his parents are Indian. He has to marry from the specific part of India his parents are from.

Forgot to say thanks for your post. I find talking about cultural differences a total minefield as a white woman so I never really know what to say, and don't want to offend by accident.

My lovely, step away. This isn't just a straightforward FWB situation, it really isn't because he's making you question yourself and making you feel inadequate.

Regardless of whether or not things would develop, he is being an arse and living a life with double standards and hypocrisy! Guaranteed he would not accept his future wife or his sister sleeping with someone of a different race. He won't own his truth though.

You're beautiful and with everything ahead in life for you. Walk away from this and find someone who accepts you for you and makes you feel good, even if you are only having sex.

Self worth.

Ask away, I'd never be offended. I'd rather empower women than let some loser treat them like second class citizens.

Trust me, men like him are not worth your time or your energy, he sounds like so many South Asian men that I've know my entire life. There are some really good ones out there, he's not one of them though.

He's racist. As PP said it's a south Asian thing. Your race shouldn't come into it.

This may explain why I had a similar situation 6 monthd ago where I was hanging out with another South Asian guy who suddenly dropped me and began dating a South Asian woman, who became his girlfriend, whereas we were just friends.

But now I'm worried that saying that means I've said something racist.

Like I said.. minefied.

Lots of men in my profession are South Asian/Middle Eastern. I grew up in a very white town in the home counties and am probably naive.

But he text you and you didn't text back? So maybe he didn't think you were being 'chill' and thought you didn't like him anymore.

I replied briefly, I just didn't initiate a further conversation after that exchange.

Mmmm I can understand the last one. I can easily see someone posting on here - I’m seeing someone I like, potentiall boyfriend, I’m not happy about his female friend and how much time he spends with her.

I have had loads of male friends in my life who I wouldn’t consider boyfriend/partner material btw, but I guess a new girlfriend doesn’t know that.
i would dismiss the last one as not something to worry about.

Also I would say it is possible, from a female perspective, to completely cleanse your mind of having had sex with someone (should add caveat maybe probably only if it was mediocre rather than mind-blowing though😂) and go back to being friends.

I think you should consider doing this. Then he might mull over the fact that, as fabulous as he is 🙄he is not occupying every inch of your headspace.

Also giving the vote to what @MrsTerryPratchett said.

It never ceases to amaze me the size of the male ego.

The number of times in my life I’ve felt like saying “I am being POLITE”. You don’t do it for me AT ALL.

So you offered him the goodies on a regular basis, then he is probably avoiding you so that he can keep getting them on the side without raising any suspicions.

I’m all for living your life your way and if having casual consensual sex is what you want to do then go for it. But please if there is any part of you that thinks you can change his mind…remember you can’t. Culturally he cannot date a white woman and I presume that he will have a wife of the same background as him as soon as he is ready.

if casual sex is what you want, go for it. But if it isn’t, don’t let him use you

I'm Indian and many South Asian men are like this I'm afraid. I don't know why, but they buy into the idea that their future wife/serious girlfriend should be South Asian, their religion and sub-culture, and not have had many relationships. It's so racist and misogynistic, it makes my blood boil.

I'm very literal and straightforward with sex. I carried a lot of shame from school because you were meant to be sexy but not easy, pretty but not attainable. And I was seen as geeky, ugly and not sexual. Over time I realised I enjoyed having a long term sexual partner, but due to some relationship trauma I don't cope well with having an emotional romantic relationship, so I avoid them now.

I've got a FWB that I've had since I was 17, and it has never been complicated because we both meant what we said. No cuddling, no sleepovers, no dates. We talk all the time via text and meet up rarely nowadays, but have never had feelings for each other.

But I've found that some men happily blur the lines in their favour. They start out agreeing to FWB but then want to cuddle, take you out, hint about feelings. Then when you allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable, they suddenly pull back and accused you of breaking the agreement.

I'm just disappointed because I was hoping to recreate something like my first FWB, something light and fun with no ambiguity. But this guy had made it weird...

Defo his ego - he's probably convinced you're madly into him. Find another, better shag

It's surprisingly hard to find a repeat shag without any strings attached, disrespect or weirdness going on.

Be As Cold As Ice OP. I doubt very much that you can’t get the same kind of interaction from any number of new/old friends.

The whole tone of your posts/thinking is that you are selling yourself short. Don’t do it. Take it from an old gimmer you have so much to offer.
That’s not a platitude btw any of us on here can give you evidence of that. I’ll start: You have a nuanced way of thinking. You are generous of spirit.

Keep him in at least the second circle. Do not sleep with him again Think (don’t pretend) “what on earth is all the fuss about?”

This is why I love Mumsnet, I feel like you're all the aunties I never had ❤

I honestly think his reaction was because he was embarrassed that you may have told the colleague you were with. That's all. But I probably wouldn't advise you to sleep with him again: it's only been once, and look at the way you're beating yourself up. You are worth so much more.

I also didn't mention earlier, but I have some self harm scars from when I was a teenager and had a really difficult time. Some are visible outside my work uniform anyway, so it wouldn't be a total shock, but a ONS once told me he wouldn't sleep with me again because my scars "put him off".

So that always plays on my mind with a new guy. After the 2nd time, I assume they don't care.

ONS once told me he wouldn't sleep with me again because my scars "put him off".

You need to reframe these kind of experiences. He's a weirdo who cares about something as inconsequential as scars? Lucky escape! Would they put you off? No, because you're not shallow.

Any pathetic little work that gets put off by your scars is not worthy of seeing you clothed, let alone naked. Your scars are part of you, they tell part of your story. Do not let anyone make you feel ashamed of them. That was your way of coping, it may not be the healthiest or best way, but you survived and you didn't hurt anyone else. Be proud of yourself, be proud that you are a survivor, and hold your head up high. You are strong, you are worthy, and you deserve respect.

And yes to what @MrsTerryPratchett said, let their next shit (and in fact, at least one a week for the rest of their lives, but not regularly enough that they can anticipate it and therefore medicate) be a hedgehog.

Worm not work!