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Original poster

To be put off by this or just banter?

78 replies

Wasabihelp · 17/06/2022 00:49

Been having a flirty chat with a friend of a friend and they made a couple of comments which I’m not sure how to take...

We were joking around about not knowing how to live off without certain apps and they said “Omg what you’re thick as shit” when I jokingly said I didn’t know how to do something obvious - this is very much their sense of humour but seemed pretty abrupt. Laughed it off though.

we then both swapped photos of an experience we’d recently been on. Mine was flattering and his was nice too. I said how good he looked on his and he said “hmm 4/10” re mine to which I said “harsh” - he then said “sorry you look great! Just thought you were fishing”

I think the second one did get me a bit because the first is a blunt joke, the second just makes me feel disingenuous for sharing anything where I might seem anything other than modest :S

OP posts:
me4real · 17/06/2022 11:39

Extreme levels of negging. Bin.

SirenSays · 17/06/2022 11:45

I don't think that kind of banter comes out of nowhere. I have people I have good banter with and our humour can be quite dark but it usually builds and everyone is laughing. No one would randomly say out of the blue that I was thick like that. That's just a straight up insult for no reason.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 17/06/2022 14:09

If be turned off. Move on OP, sounds like he likes games

DatingDinosaur · 17/06/2022 17:22

This is one of the reasons I HATE text flirting, particularly with someone I’ve not met yet. It is far too easy to misconstrue the written word when, in person, it would have been obvious by tone of voice, body language, and even the setting whether he was bantering, nervous or being a dick.

Honeyroar · 17/06/2022 17:25

He sounds like he’d seriously chip at your confidence if you went out with him.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 17/06/2022 17:25

He sounds like an immature wanker, would not be messaging him anymore as this is what he is like now and just puts people down to make them feel crap so he feels better. What a knob. Do not bother with him anymore as rather talk to the wall than have that crap in my life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/06/2022 18:17

Bin. He's negging you, and only arseholes do that.

pastaandpesto · 17/06/2022 18:30

Could well be negging.

But.

For me the acid test is how he responds if you direct this kind of humour back at him. Is he comfortable enough in his own skin to have a good laugh at himself? Is he modest, and generous with recognising the good in other people (not to you - he wants to sleep with you so that doesn't count - but with friends and family)?

If so, it could be he really does see it as banter. Perhaps he thinks you are so obviously amazing that it should be blindingly obvious that he is joking.

I don't know, as a PP said, text messages are very difficult to read, especially with someone you are only just getting to know. If he seems great in other respects I'd be tempted to give it a bit longer and prod him a bit to see how he responds to this kind of banter himself. I'd definitely be on high alert though.

booboo24 · 17/06/2022 18:34

Going totally against the grain here but I'd have laughed and given a smart answer back, but then my humour is probably quite blunt and dark! My family are all northerners, but we moved to Oxford when I was 4....definitely not the same sense of humour down here!! Is it an area 'thing'? Anyway if all else is good I'd match wits on this one and not write him off just over this

BigChiefSausage · 17/06/2022 18:43

Negging is really annoying. I'd get rid.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 17/06/2022 18:46

booboo24 · 17/06/2022 18:34

Going totally against the grain here but I'd have laughed and given a smart answer back, but then my humour is probably quite blunt and dark! My family are all northerners, but we moved to Oxford when I was 4....definitely not the same sense of humour down here!! Is it an area 'thing'? Anyway if all else is good I'd match wits on this one and not write him off just over this

Match wits? But he’s not actually witty just a twat!

pictish · 17/06/2022 18:49

Ooh no. I like a bit of banter as much as anyone but I’d not want those comments from a potential boyfriend. I want my partner to compliment and cherish me, not treat me like one of his low value mates.

HaggisBurger · 17/06/2022 18:50

Yes total negging. With a bit of gaslighting thrown in for good measure when you said it was harsh. Run like the wind. It seems minor. It’s not - this him in the wooing stage ffs.

Sunnytwobridges · 17/06/2022 18:56

I had a bf that did this. Made me feel like shit. Especially since he rarely had anything good to say about me. Trust me it doesn't stop, especially if they say they are only joking or you're too sensitive.

pixie5121 · 17/06/2022 19:31

Totally cunty and arrogant. I'd block immediately and have nothing to do with the pathetic twerp ever again.

Whiskeypowers · 17/06/2022 19:37

are you teenagers?

thought not

MadMadMadamMim · 17/06/2022 19:39

He sounds a total dickhead. This is supposed to be the stage where he's trying to impress you with what a wonderful person he is and showing you his absolute best side. Flirty, romantic, kind and considerate.

Instead, he's putting you down with little sarcastic digs.

Tell him to get to fuck.

seaUrchinOne · 17/06/2022 20:02

Be put off by it, I wouldn't accept that as banter, he's horrible. As others have said, he's negging and it'll make him more powerful over you if you let it.
Just stop the flirting and being kind to him, brush him aside.

pinkyredrose · 17/06/2022 20:12

It's thinly veiled bullying. Ditch this tosser.

suzyscat · 17/06/2022 20:26

Agreed this is negging. You can do better.

me4real · 17/06/2022 20:38

People say text messages are difficult to read, but I honestly don't find them to be so.

And I can't see any circumstances where someone calling me 'thick as shit' and a new acquaintance calling me a '4/10- just joking ' (which is what all verbally abusive men say at some point BTW) would be ok.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/06/2022 20:43

You are right to be put off. He is testing to see what you will accept from him.

longcoffeebreak · 17/06/2022 20:46

sounds well dodgy

badhappening · 17/06/2022 20:47

You can tell a man from what he says.

This says a lot and not in a good way.

He’s offensive.

EarthSight · 17/06/2022 22:23

This doesn't have to be calculated negging to be fucked up OP. It doesn't necessarily mean he's been on dodgy websites and decided to apply some nasty techniques. Shitty behaviour is intuitive for some people.

Proceed with caution. This stage shouldn't be confusing. He won't be the first or the last man to feel like their girlfriend, partner or wife is out of their league, and so they will try to bring you down a peg or two when they can.

Expect raised eyebrows, patronising glances, sulkiness, 'just a bit of banter', 'you're too sensitive', or 'you just don't get me and my humour' if you protest. Yes, some people do like a lot of banter, but many times it's a sign of a ill-socialised man who just doesn't know how to speak to women and will blame you for his ineptitude, and that's on the milder end.