Please tell me this pain doesn't last

[Ilosthim]

I have no one to talk to. No close friends. Single mum to 3 DS. I am 45.

I feel like I'm slipping into darkness. Im afraid to be alone yet can't cope with anyone around me. I'm so scared to close my eyes. I can't switch off my brain and i feel soulless, empty, panicked, desperate and so deeply deeply sad. I have never felt so utterly devastated in my life and it is scaring me. I cant eat. Sleep. Barely talk. Eyes are so heavy and I feel like im about to throw up all the time yet im not actually vomiting. Just pain. Deep, searing pain like someone is holding a lit cigarette to my skin. I can't escape it and i can see or feel no joy. I am existing. For my kids. Not living. Not now. We were only together a year. Wasn't even that intense, as kids made time together tricky but i loved him and i need to say that out loud here as i cant say it anywhere else, least of all to him. I ache for him. I loved him. I still love him. To think of his beautiful face and our memories feels like I'm being stabbed. I need him in my arms so i can hold him, kiss his sweet face and tell him that i love him with every fibre of who i am.

He ended things. Said he needed time alone, hadnt been single in a long time and needed some time to work things out. That he was sorry. That he cared for me but that was it now. Over. He wished me well. All i could think of was of how we were just weeks ago...how his breath shuddered when we touched, how we kissed for what seemed like forever. His warm smile that made me feel hugged. Our long chats laying entwined together, naked, just being. All gone. I accepted it with dignity and left him alone. He needed time out, i understood. Until today.

Under her pictures on Instagram i see him telling her he loves her, that she is his dream come true. She loves him too apparently. So that's why he ended us. My heart can't take it. To make it worse she is truly perfect for him. Literally a clone. I can see why he loves her.... even after just 6 weeks of knowing her ...

Please tell me you've been through this. tell me the pain won't stay. Tell me i will heal please.

I'm in a very similar position today. My partner of 3 years has just gone cold and hasnt spoken to me for 48 hours. Refuses to and won't explain. Wont answer calls. I feel like its all been such a waste. I really loved him, still was in love with him. Last week he was talking about future plans for us and all our children. Now nothing. I feel heartbroken and cant even verbalise it. I've had to hold it together at work, then have to rush home to cry before I burst. I have been here before with previous 2 long term relationships. The first week is the worst. It definitely does slowly get better. We need to immerse ourselves in something to stop ourselves overthinking. It's very painful. Thinking of you

Every time he comes to mind give yourself the ick. Annoying things he said or did, the not so nice memories, arguments ext

I've been there. I think most of us have. And hand on heart, it DOES get better and the pain DOES go away. I know it doesn't feel like it now. I can feel your pain through the screen because I've felt that pain before. But it gets easier. Sometimes it gets harder before it gets easier.

The best thing to do during tough break ups is to take the focus off him and what he's doing, and put the focus back on you and on what you are doing.

You have 3 wonderful children, spend more time with them, take them on days out, holidays, bake a cake etc etc. Exercise is your number 1 friend as well. It'll get those happy hormones going. Sitting around will make you feel worse. You need to stay active.

Get off social media, otherwise you'll get obsessed with constantly checking in on what they are up to. They haven't been together long so it may not work out. Or maybe it will. Maybe he'll regret breaking up with you and come back to you. It doesn't matter at this stage. Do not spend your life waiting for this man. He made his choice.

Cut all contact with him now. Focus on yourself. Be the best version of you. Sometimes the ex will return. Sometimes they won't. But at the end of it, you're going to come out so much stronger than before.

I PROMISE you, in a few months time, you won't feel like this anymore. It's hard to believe, I know, but it's true. Time is a great healer.

OP, he's a liar and a cheat. Told you he needed time alone but in fact dumped you because he'd found a new girlfriend. He may well do the same to her next year, but that's not your problem.

It's horribly painful (I've been there too) but it does ease off. You really are better off without someone so selfish and dishonest, even though it's impossible to believe that at present. Meanwhile just concentrate on the happiness you have with much more important people: your children.

Best of luck to you and Ticktick. I hope you both soon meet someone better.

Can barely type as the tears just keep on coming. The shock of the public declarations of love for her. So unlike him. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe i just didn't ignite the same flame in him. I do logically understand but oh god... i cant get him out of my head. When i wake i have a moment of peace then the pain starts again. Logical thinking isn't helping. I cant escape!!! Such madness. I think its also such a shock to see him so expressive . Publically . He is deeply private. I cant and would never ask him about it. We dont talk. Absolute radio silence since he ended it. To go cold turkey like this has knocked me for six. My kids sense the sadness. Thankfully they know nothing about him so theres that. They ask whats wrong though. I say im tired didnt sleep well. my dogs sniff around me, worried. I cry into their fur and the pain is overwhelming. Absolutely overwhelming to the point i have to physically stand up and move. shake it off as it really feels like it will engulf me. Nothing helps. Realised I haven't brushed my teeth in days, nor my hair. I look awful. Worryinging i dont care. I want to sink and hide and if it wasnt for the kids I dont know how i would keep this together

Thank you for your replies , you wont realise it but you're a lifesaver, i feel like ill never feel happy again

I guarantee the pain will pass, because it always does. You only need time.
And when it pass, you will see him for what he actually is. He lied, he is a coward. He is not worth it.
You are projecting on him what you think is missing on you. You have lost your self steem and you are looking for it in someone else.
The main thing of your message is the first sentence: You feel alone, you have no friends, that's why the pain is so bad.
Please contact old friends, family members and pick yourself up, you don't need him. You need YOU, and your lovely DS need you too. And they are way more important than any man.

By the way you write beautifully. You should keep it up, maybe start writing as a hobby, join a writing group.

Love yourself OP, and the pain will go away.

Look up Limerance.

This is Limerance.

How are you so sure it's limerance?

Oh you poor love. This is grief. Wallow in it, feel it fully, allow yourself to grieve for the future you thought you’d have with him. It’s torture I know. I’m 6 months post break up. I’ve been where you are and I’ll be honest, it took me months to feel even vaguely ok.

Then I bumped into my ex and ended up sleeping with him and thought I had it all back. But he poured cold water over that dream and I realised that if he can live without me, then he should.

I don’t want someone who isn’t as utterly in love with me as I am with him. A half hearted lukewarm love isn’t for me.

it will take some time, but if you’re open to it you can meet someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved.

Yes. It gets better. Initially, it's a shock and basically a bereavement, but with extra resentment and jealousy.

You NEED to block him and her on social media NOW. Never go back. Never unblock. Never Facebook stalk.

In a few months, you will be proud you can hold your head high. You will have self-respect and will have grieved properly. Treat it like the bereavement it is. Cut him off, cut their social media off. Grieve, but don't let it overwhelm you.

Yes, it will get better.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think you put this man on some unreachable pedestal, for whatever reason. No man is worth this kind of response, especially one you really didn't know all that well, and I don't think you know him nearly as well as you might think. He left you to be alone? That old chestnut? What rubbish.

I also think your age might have a lot to do with your emotional state. At 45, you are no doubt dealing with peri-menopause, at least on some level, and it can wreak havoc with your emotional well-being. Things you would have been able to handle much more easily can become apocalyptic events in your mind.

Try to be kind to yourself. You will get through this.

Thank you. Your words are like a hug tonight.

I know i need to block. Ive spent all day stalking her social media. Im so jealous. She seems utterly lovely, such a cool character and so like my ex its like she was made for him! Uncanny.... her instagram is so like his. I can see why he feels the way he does. I'm a plain piece of blank paper in comparison to this colourful vibrant woman. She is getting the words i so longed for. I love you. I want all of you. You are everything..yes to every part of you. So in love!

Meanwhile, im sitting here like a sad case crying, reaching out to strangers as i cant get comfort anywhere else. I cant inagine this ever not hurting me deeply. I was so in love. Im 45 and been married, had other LTRs, good ones...but i can honestly say he is the only man i have ever loved. Truly, truly adored him.

@ticktickticktickBOOM

So sorry to hear you are also hurting. I wouldn't wish this torture on any soul. I hope we can both find some peace xxxx

Just remember you can't control how others feel and its not you. You just weren't right for each other although you won't see that now. I felt exactly the same as you...then met someone who I feel truly loves me and the difference is incredible. You will get through this and you will be happy again.

You were together for a year.

I'm sorry but the feelings you describe suggest a massive over investment in this relationship and an under estimation of your own self worth.

You'll get a lot of supportive posts talking about your grief etc but as unpopular as it may be, you need to get a grip.

"how we kissed for what seemed like forever. His warm smile that made me feel hugged. Our long chats laying entwined together, naked, just being. All gone."

You write as a participant in a love novel not reality.

Maybe time for a re-write...

"How we kissed despite his smelly morning breath and his smile revealed the food in the cracks of his teeth. Our long chats were entwined with the joy of his smelly farts - oh how we laughed and farted together!!!"

Yes I'm being harsh, but you have romanticised this relationship to your detriment and seemingly now to your children who are worried about their mother.

You need to stop wallowing, overly romanticising this relationship and set some better emotional boundaries.

What worries me is that in all my years, with various wonderful men and a long marriage i have never ever felt as strongly about someone as i do this man. Its not even about looks...its just him. Who he is, how he lives his life, his whole aura... I've never felt so happy as i did with him. So deep and intelligent and a beautiful human being. To not have him in my life is a huge loss. A massive void. The torment almost made me smash a glass earlier as i squeezed it so hard in what i can only recognise as desperation.

Never felt anything so intense and the only escape is sleep, which alludes me.

So deep and intelligent and a beautiful human being

Yep so wonderful he dumped you and moved on within 6 or so weeks for a "clone" of you.

At your deadbed you will not remember this man. You will just want to see your three lovely sons. They are there with you.
I feel sorry for his new woman, he will do the same to her. Don't compare yourself to her, please. Block all social media for your mental health.
I think it's very important what Aquamarine said. You put this man into an impossible pedestal. But he is not the man you are grieving. He is not worth all that pain. No man is worth that.
Please write a message on your alarm on your phone/ a note beside your bed saying: today is the first day of my new life. Read it first thing in the morning and every time you need it during the day.
Start from scratch. You are better off without him.

@BreadInCaptivity has nailed it, you are being ott, a one year relationship has left you in this state? he's not the perfect man, he's dumped you without a backward glance.
Your kids shouldn't be worried about their mum being in this state over a man, pull yourself together and be glad you're rid of him, he's certainly not worrying about you.

Who he is, how he lives his life, his whole aura... I've never felt so happy as i did with him. So deep and intelligent and a beautiful human being.

I'm surprised he didn't break his neck falling off the pedestal you put him on. How he lives his life? You mean lying and cheating on his current girlfriend, dumping her and then magically falling in love five seconds later? This is a person you consider "deep?" Come on, op. I say this gently, but you need to get a grip for the sake of your kids. This man is nothing more than an average, flawed person. You've made him out to be superhuman. He is not and he isn't worth your tears.

Why love someone and waste time thinking about someone who cheated on you. He's not so perfect as you think. Ignore him and find someone else to date. Move on fast instead of dwelling on the past.

You are a mum of 3, you have spiralled over social media.

You are your children's world.

Delete the Instagram nonsense.

Focus on reality and stop with the shuddering breath, aura, entwined teenage navel gazing.

Our children, who never want Instagram for the record because it makes their peers unhappy (wisdom OP), have golden auras, they are easily worth a thousand of your ex- beautiful souls and so are your children.

Tomorrow morning clean your teeth, buy some yogurt and give your children your love they are truly worthy.

(For what it's worth all I can tell is you kissed and yapped in bed nothing that groundbreaking). Sorry.

Unless of course he won a Nobel or is it he just spouted shit about being at one with the elements, he could feel the wind talking to him, some basic philosophy shit about the sun, never ending energy and no physics PhD or mathematics to back up the constant hippy nonsense about how orange is the best colour for shower tiles because it aligns with the beginning of the day. Or some other regurgitated claptrap.

Buy some yogurt. Talk to your kids.
You'll start to feel better.

It sounds like he's love bombed the shit outta you, if true his public declarations are him love bombing the next one.

It's not usual to be this devastated after a year in normal relationships so something has gone amiss.

Look back at the start of your relationship when you're able to, something about this is very wrong.

I'm deeply suspicious of sudden public declarations of love in adults because most of us are more guarded than that.

Yes - it does!
Sorry you are suffering for now though.

I agree with posts above that you are missing the man you thought he was... but that won't help with the pain right now. Hang in there.