Please tell me this pain doesn't last

[Ilosthim]

I have no one to talk to. No close friends. Single mum to 3 DS. I am 45.

I feel like I'm slipping into darkness. Im afraid to be alone yet can't cope with anyone around me. I'm so scared to close my eyes. I can't switch off my brain and i feel soulless, empty, panicked, desperate and so deeply deeply sad. I have never felt so utterly devastated in my life and it is scaring me. I cant eat. Sleep. Barely talk. Eyes are so heavy and I feel like im about to throw up all the time yet im not actually vomiting. Just pain. Deep, searing pain like someone is holding a lit cigarette to my skin. I can't escape it and i can see or feel no joy. I am existing. For my kids. Not living. Not now. We were only together a year. Wasn't even that intense, as kids made time together tricky but i loved him and i need to say that out loud here as i cant say it anywhere else, least of all to him. I ache for him. I loved him. I still love him. To think of his beautiful face and our memories feels like I'm being stabbed. I need him in my arms so i can hold him, kiss his sweet face and tell him that i love him with every fibre of who i am.

He ended things. Said he needed time alone, hadnt been single in a long time and needed some time to work things out. That he was sorry. That he cared for me but that was it now. Over. He wished me well. All i could think of was of how we were just weeks ago...how his breath shuddered when we touched, how we kissed for what seemed like forever. His warm smile that made me feel hugged. Our long chats laying entwined together, naked, just being. All gone. I accepted it with dignity and left him alone. He needed time out, i understood. Until today.

Under her pictures on Instagram i see him telling her he loves her, that she is his dream come true. She loves him too apparently. So that's why he ended us. My heart can't take it. To make it worse she is truly perfect for him. Literally a clone. I can see why he loves her.... even after just 6 weeks of knowing her ...

Please tell me you've been through this. tell me the pain won't stay. Tell me i will heal please.

I was you back in March when my husband of 12 years walked out on me to be with his 22 year old secretary.

It's an old cliché but time does heal, it will get easier and you will also gain clarity. He wasn't some incredible, perfect knight in shining armour.
He was a common garden troll wrapped in tin foil.

You can and will do better.

Just remember that this wonderful man has let you down and hurt you. He is not the person you thought he was.

But OP.. you do not need a man in your life for you to function. What you need is to be happy, and not look to 'the man' as if he is the holy grail. He is only one half of a partnership.
I wonder if he felt stifled by your adoration?

I could have written that post OP. I'm broken

Why are you idolising this man after he's treated you so badly? Wake up and smell the coffee you don't need him or any man to validate you or make your life complete. Focus on your children

Is he young than you? What age are your children?

This is a good point about peri menopause... it's certainly possible Op.

Out of interest, where did you get the time and headspace to have a relationship with someone while looking after 3 children?

Grieving, howling, rending, coping you are human and hurt

So sorry you have to put up with this

It does not get easier with age, we have more "well on the other hand"s at the same time as battling, raging against cynicism and lurking solitude

wishing you strength

You had him on a pedestal

He cheated on you and is making no effort to hide it

He really isn't worthy of this angst

This. In spades.

I'm a couple of years older than ypu OP and am far more pragmatic about men and relationships.

If someone I was seeing for a year behaved like this, I'd thank my lucky stars that I knew their truth so early on.

I could describe my current boyfriend like this if I chose to but he's only a man. And one who farts and who isn't perfect. If he met someone more suited to him as you describe and chose to be with her instead, well that's just life.

Tbh, I did roll my eyes at the suggestion of liberace. From what I can see, that's just an excuse for naval gazing self indulgence which you don't really have the time for what with 3 children to bring up and a life to lead.

Honestly, next time you find yourself crying into your dog's fur, just stop. Stand up, walk away, put the kettle on and do something less boring instead.

You can't help your feelings but you can help how you behave in response to them.

Limerance not liberace.

He will do exactly the same to her

He “loves her” after 6 weeks? Ha ridiculous.

You had a lucky escape OP.

It won’t feel like it right now, right now you’re completely justified feeling the way that you do. But this will pass. I promise.

But take some solace in that he’s an absolute dick. You’ve lost nothing.

As a pp said, he’s a liar and a cheat. And take my word for it when I say he will do the same to her.

I’m not a gambling woman but I would definitely put money on it.

Pathetic little boy in a man’s body. Good luck to the ow. She’s gonna need it. 🙄

He will do exactly the same to her

You can't possibly know that unless you are him.

He could do the same to her, yes, and his public declarations are immature but maybe he's just met someone who makes him feel the way the OP felt about him.

I didn’t claim to know that with absolute certainty, did I?

It’s called an opinion. Google is your friend.

Have a nice day.

And take my word for it when I say he will do the same to her

Seems pretty conclusive to me...

He’s done this to you, he’ll do it her. Any man posting publicly how much he “ loves her” after 6 weeks is flakey. The shine will wear off, he’ll move on.
It hurts but he’s not worth wasting your energy on.

Once again, take my word for it is my word.

Also known as my opinion.

I know for an absolute fact that he will do the same to her.

Seems you merrily skipped past the part where I said that I’m not a gambling woman, but I would put money on it.

People don’t gamble based on fact. They gamble based on probability and luck.

So again, head over to Google and have a wonderful day.

@GreyCarpet I know for an absolute fact that he will do the same to her.

The above is a factual statement. 🥱

Hes just a man. A flawed one at that. If just a year you've had a lucky escape, could have wasted 20 on this guy.
Look at him for what he is. Take the rose coloured glasses off. See his faults and his fake promises and realise you are lucky he has gone . Even though it doesn't feel like that now. Focus on yourself and your child. They need their mum to function.

I would also say given your age you may be peri menopausal. Being peri menopausal left me losing the plot a bit and everything felt really intense for a couple of years.

I am sorry I think you have been love bombed - and she has too. This guy is telling women what they want to hear so they feel like they are soul mates. Just give it time he will dump her too.
The thing is if you have been loved bombed it is likely you needed it, so worth working on you to build your self esteem.

She’s hardly vibrant compared to you based on Instagram- right? You don’t know her. And he is clearly toying with women - that love bombing is a big red flag. You didn’t live with him so you can’t really know him - it’s easy to put on a facade for a short period of time.
Start today by deciding you are going to do one nice thing for yourself- whatever it is.
Tomorrow you do two nice things.
Get out with the dogs for a walk (when it’s not too hot) and just be in nature. Sex and handsome ness isn’t everything. There’s a lot to be said for people who actually respect other people!

NRTFT but....This sounds like you're a teenager writing fan fiction. Honestly. I'm sorry if you're really feeling this way, but it seems like you've turned the ordinary into the extraordinary and you're trying to convince yourself of the validity. I get the feeling that either you're about ten years older than this guy and that he's a hippy douchebag who wanted a sex dispensing placeholder while he looked for his ideal match, or that YOU are the hippy type and have convinced yourself of soul connections and auras and stars aligning etc, when he was trying to keep it casual, off social media, no meeting kids etc and he knew you thought it was something far more and exclusive and wouldn't take it well that he was moving on with someone else.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this, OP. Your pain brings back my own, when I was dumped by a man I loved as you describe.

He came back after a while and I hesitated because I was healing and didn’t quite trust him any more. Then I thought I was cutting off my nose to spite my face if I refused such love again, so I took him back. Later, he started another relationship and dumped me again once that was safely established. It hurt a bit less that time as I realised what a shit he was.

He really isn’t a deep and beautiful human being, OP. He is selfish and dishonest. Do you think he gave you a moment’s thought before posting all his new-girlfriend bliss on social media that you were bound to see? A cruel person. You deserve so much better.

I think you are heartbroken not on account of the relationship you were actually in, but the future relationship that you held in your dreams.

From your own description - "We were only together a year. Wasn't even that intense, as kids made time together tricky but i loved him..."

I suspect that this fella genuinely liked and was attracted to you, but was not as invested as you. If the relationship 'wasn't that intense' then perhaps he saw it as something nice for now, but which was never going to progress to anything more. I also suspect (like others) that he must have started seeing this other lady whilst the two of you were still together, and lied to avoid a difficult conversation.

You will heal. Stop looking at their socials - this will only make you feel worse, plus it's not even reality! We should treat content on FB and insta with as much credibility as gossip mags.

Keep busy, intellectually and physically. Get out of bed. Have projects, declutter, clean. Exercise is good. Have you tried Yoga with Adriene? I would recommend. Sounds like you have pets - hug them. Play with your kids. And maybe (although I don't have kids myself) be honest in an age-appropriate way that you're a bit sad as you had a friend who you're not friends with anymore.

Have a big long cry in the shower - because the emotions still need to come out. Crying into the pets also sounds like a good idea.

I am sorry you don't currently have close friends IRL. Keep posting here, mumsnet has a lovely community full of supportive women who will give you a handhold and pep talk 💐

Recognise what this man has showed you - that you desire a loving, healthy relationship.

How are you doing @Ilosthim ?

I've had a headachy teary day WFH (work from bed tbh) with the curtains shut then after reading posts on your thread decided to pull myself together and get busy. Took my boy to the beach after school, bumped into a few friends. Feel better for some fresh air. Did you manage to get out at all? I think distraction and being with people is the way out of this. Can you make some arrangements for the weekend even if you don't feel like it? You'll feel better I'm sure.