Please tell me this pain doesn't last

[Ilosthim]

I have no one to talk to. No close friends. Single mum to 3 DS. I am 45.

I feel like I'm slipping into darkness. Im afraid to be alone yet can't cope with anyone around me. I'm so scared to close my eyes. I can't switch off my brain and i feel soulless, empty, panicked, desperate and so deeply deeply sad. I have never felt so utterly devastated in my life and it is scaring me. I cant eat. Sleep. Barely talk. Eyes are so heavy and I feel like im about to throw up all the time yet im not actually vomiting. Just pain. Deep, searing pain like someone is holding a lit cigarette to my skin. I can't escape it and i can see or feel no joy. I am existing. For my kids. Not living. Not now. We were only together a year. Wasn't even that intense, as kids made time together tricky but i loved him and i need to say that out loud here as i cant say it anywhere else, least of all to him. I ache for him. I loved him. I still love him. To think of his beautiful face and our memories feels like I'm being stabbed. I need him in my arms so i can hold him, kiss his sweet face and tell him that i love him with every fibre of who i am.

He ended things. Said he needed time alone, hadnt been single in a long time and needed some time to work things out. That he was sorry. That he cared for me but that was it now. Over. He wished me well. All i could think of was of how we were just weeks ago...how his breath shuddered when we touched, how we kissed for what seemed like forever. His warm smile that made me feel hugged. Our long chats laying entwined together, naked, just being. All gone. I accepted it with dignity and left him alone. He needed time out, i understood. Until today.

Under her pictures on Instagram i see him telling her he loves her, that she is his dream come true. She loves him too apparently. So that's why he ended us. My heart can't take it. To make it worse she is truly perfect for him. Literally a clone. I can see why he loves her.... even after just 6 weeks of knowing her ...

Please tell me you've been through this. tell me the pain won't stay. Tell me i will heal please.

Any man who declares their love for someone so publicly after 6 weeks is a complete knob.

Now you can do a lot better than that.

When you’re ready you pick yourself up and you dust yourself off and be the best mum in the world to your 3 kids.

It will all happen for you and in time you will reflect on this and you will see him for who he really was.

I don't understand the references to yoghurt.

Also love that this might have anything to do with Liberace.

I was devastated after one of my relationships ended after a year. It took me a long time to recognise that it had been a controlling relationship and I'd been manipulated quite a lot in it. I don't think it was love - it was a heady and intense mix of ups and downs that left me almost broken.

Either this man has moved on incredibly quickly or he's been cheating on you for a while. Either way, this was not the perfect relationship you are imagining it to be and he is certainly not the perfect man. Maybe it feels familiar to put yourself down when things go wrong and make the other party the idol (does this resonate with anything in your childhood perhaps?).

With respect OP you need to get a grip.

Haven't brushed your teeth or hair for days? No wonder your children are worried about you! This is hardly fair on them.

Stop over romanticising and start seeing this relationship for what it really was. He's a liar and a cheat. You had a lucky escape.

Now stop all the angst, go and do some exercise and focus on your kids.

I'd like to say buy some yoghurt but not sure why!

…yoghurt?

Hey OP, I'm also grieving the end of a relationship. But I've taken the opposite approach to you: I go to the gym everyday, started studying French and threw myself into dating again. I did love him but you're being ridiculous especially because you have 3 children who need you. Try getting busy and you'll see you won't have time to think about him.

@ticktickticktickBOOM

Thanks for checking in on me, means an awful lot. Well done for getting up and out, i wish i had a beach near me, the sound of the water is so soothing.

I had a bad day I'm afraid and today is not much better. I have showered and got dressed, made brekky and lunch and chilled with the kids but jesus christ this is hard. I just want to sink. Thank god for the kids. They are my reasons. Because I'm insane i spent a lot of time on her insta yesterday and it pains me to admit it but he has found his twin. She embodies everything he loves, and i know he will be enchanted. I could have given him so much love. I don't necessarily want him back as i know logically it would never work now but the sadness, memory reels playing in my head, my stomach going over and over like I've had a shock or on a rollercoaster? Cant describe it. Damn him but also, he found his person and i love him so a tiny tiny part of me (very tiny!) Is pleased for him.

I just wish i could erase the memories. I went out for a bite to eat with friends earlier but it was excruciating. I find myself staring into space! I dont want to talk and chat and laugh. I dont care.

Just going through the motions and its torture. I miss him terribly.

Sorry if this brings you down

Jeez woman. Get off her instagram. You are literally torturing yourself. You are clinging to the obsessive looking as you want something to continue. I do not mean to be harsh but you are like someone with an addiction covering their house with the substance. You need to stop it and now.

And...maybe he's covering her insta with cringy comments because he thinks she wants it and maybe he thought you would not like it...because you are less vain or needy. Not because you are not as good.

Now go walk in the sunshine. Or keep torturing yourself. Which sounds nicer?

That sounded unnecessarily harsh...we have all done it OP but learnt that it just hurts us over and over for longer and longer. You can beat this xx

She embodies everything he loves, and i know he will be enchanted.
OP you sound about 12! He's a liar and cheat, you're being incredibly deluded and selfish, wasting this time and energy when you could be enjoying the summer with your DC.

Well you have 2 choices OP

Keep wallowing in it and torturing yourself

Or make more of an effort to get over it

For the sake of your kids and your own sanity I suggest you choose the latter

Delete all your social media - it's not healthy.

You're driving yourself insane, woman!

I am full of sympathy for you, i really am but what you need now is some tough love. You wrote your posts begging to know if the pain gets better, well yes it does. But do want the long fix or the quicker fix?

We're telling you how to make yourself feel better sooner rather than later.

First step is get off social media. No more Internet stalking of either of them.

Next, if you haven't already done so, you need to do The Cleanse. Cleanse your home and phone of reminders - gifts, cards, photos, notes, momentoes etc.

Then every day go for a walk, get some fresh air. Wherever, but you need to get out of the house.

Make sure you eat. If you're like me, you'll lose your appetite with heartbreak like this, so focus on grazing little and often. Just have something small for each meal.

Regular meals will help, I promise. They keep your energy and up and blood sugar stable which absolutely helps with the pain you're feeling.

Talk. To. Your. Friends.
I don't know why you haven't, you went out with them but they didn't know how much you're suffering? Tell them. Let them help pull you out of this hole.

As for him? F*ck him. He did a number on you. You are a brilliant, bright person, don't let him snuff out your light. You deserve better. Get angry. Why are you not pissed off?

Enjoy your children. Who see you as the magnificent woman you are. Who love you unconditionally. Laugh with them, play with them, chat with them.

Keep up these things and your pain will be gone before you know it. X

I'm feeling so much better today thanks @Ilosthim

I've taken my boy to football, amazingly found a lovely big straw hat, a summery floaty scarf and a beautiful laura ashley dress in the same charity shop (total cost £23.50), bought a nice pie and some bread from the bakery, sorted the house a bit and - top tip - changed his name to 'The Manipulator' on my phone in case he thinks he can weedle his way back in when he wants something. It's really helped to reset my mind on what he really is and stop imagining I've lost something great - I haven't, you haven't either.

I really recommend spending some time on yourself and your kids, throw thoughts of him to the kerb girl!

There’s a lot of amazing advice on here. I hope you can step out of your upset, sadness and fury soon.
Block him & begin the healing process. Many of us have been where you are now but life goes on.
One day you’ll wake up & realise you’re not thinking about him so much, 24 hours has gone by with never a thought. That’s the start of healing.
Concentrate on your children & making a good life for them. You’ll get through this, you absolutely will!

“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!”
💐

Block him on everything, you are torturing yourself. You thought this was something that it wasn't, and now you need time to grieve - but that process will be a lot quicker if you stay off his and her SM. You need to find joy in other things - what did you do that you enjoyed before you met him? It sounds like you were very dependent and so then didn't have your own great life to fall back on when it turned out he'd fucked off with someone else and lied to you about it - bastard. Don't get sad, get angry - and then channel that anger into working really hard on your own life.

So now you need to build that life that was missing and then you'll never be so dependent on a man again. It will take time to get over him but you need to start looking forward and doing some nice things for yourself - don't rely on others for your happiness, they can add to it but they should never be responsible for it.

Who he is, how he lives his life, his whole aura... I've never felt so happy as i did with him. So deep and intelligent and a beautiful human being. Except he wasn't any of those things and he has made you really sad.

It sounds as if it was a bit of a fantasy relationship and possibly wasn't built on solid foundations.

Please be kind to yourself, try not to fixate on what he's doing but on looking after yourself and your lovely DC. Time will heal your broken heart and make you see your ex for what he was.

It does get easier, I finished with my ex after a year together, I was deeply in love with him even though he was slowly brain washing me and abusing me. I found out he had cheated. I was upset, angry, angry with myself for believing he ever loved me. He told many lies and wasn’t who he said he was. The pain was worse than when I split with my dh of ten years, I think mainly because I felt so stupid for falling for his bull shit. I did get over it and much quicker than I thought I would but the first couple weeks were really hard.

Block him on all social media, block his number so you no longer have to see what he’s up too. Make plans with friends, keep busy and make time for yourself. You have dc and you need to be strong for them, they need you and love you.

Get off this woman's sm, FGS. You're even putting her up on the pedestal you made for him.

He's in love with a woman he's dated for six weeks and is making social media declarations? Seriously? How old is he? He sounds pathetic and immature. Be glad you are rid of him.

Is he younger than you @Ilosthim ?

OP I recognise the intensity of the love you describe, I was in your situation a decade ago. I'm not going to lie - the pain took a long time to go, but it did go. For now treat it like a bereavement - be kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. Once you've done that get out and meet other people. That really is the only way. And for goodness sake get off Instagram!!