They always come back when the grass isn’t greener…..

[ImRunningUpThatHill]

Really struggling at the minute. Husband left me, not sure if he had a mid-life crisis/got a bit pissed off with family life / had his head turned - who knows??
Just as I was getting used to the idea, he’s back declaring his undying love. He can’t live without me. Why can’t we just give it one more go etc etc.
Part of me believes him and feels sorry for the fucker. The other part thinks ‘well you made your bed’
Any similar stories? Did you tell them where to go or give another chance - did it work or not??

It sounds like you’re having a lovely time without him there. Why spoil that? He made his bed so now he has to lie in it.

I know it’s tempting to want a solid reason why he went in the first place, and what’s changed to provoke him to try and get back together.

The crucial question is has the trust gone? You’re not convinced he’s been fully transparent with you about why he went. You’re unsure of his motivation and reasons for wanting to come back to you.

That says to me that you don’t trust him. You might still have feelings for him, sure. But without trust then I wouldn’t take him back, no.

Highly likely someone els, or the prospect of someone else was a factor.

Many posters on here who had this, ended up having it done to them again, just saying.

Do what suits you. If you want him back then take him back. If not then don't. Be as selfish as he was but have no illusions.

So has he not given you any explanation as to why he left OP? Has he seemed remorseful, begged for forgiveness?

Why does he think it's going to work if he's not indicated what the problem was that made him leave?

Personally I wouldn't give him a 2nd chance. Enjoy your new life and find someone who is worthy of you.

If he came back, would you worry he would slope off again?

I think it's a need to see you do the 'pick me' dance. When you don't do it, they come crawling back. I'd not let him in though.

XH and I had separated (but temporarily and so that he could get clean and sober - nothing else had worked - and have a last ditch attempt to properly work on things). During that time, I worked on finding him help (again) to get clean and sober (again), worked FT, got counselling for myself, parented the kids and kept the house ticking along. I thought he was doing what he could to get sorted. Unbeknownst to me, he was already with OW. His ex BF then found out, didn't agree with what he was doing, refused to be a party to it and gave him an ultimatum to tell me himself, or he'd tell me. Anyway, XH didn't tell me so XH's ex BF told me (which let me keep my faith that there are decent guys out there!). I filed for divorce (XH made it very clear that OW was the One who understood him and supported him better than I ever could/did*). XH and OW move in together and treat me/the kids like shit. I had to involve the police and my solicitor as XH was so nasty.

[* I was the breadwinner. He didn't work due to an injury from an RTA. I also did the majority of housework, mental load, life admin etc etc. I supported him a LOT! This was to enable him to rehab and get back on track. He didn't: he got an alcohol and drug addiction and all the counselling/private rehab/you name it didn't help. I think he basically thought that whatever he did, I would forgive. But I had my limits, told him my boundaries and he just ignored them]

Four months later....they split up in an absolute train wreck blaze of glory. And it WAS glorious. The stupid cow OW (she WAS one of my friends) basically messaged me expecting sympathy when they split that evening. Apparently XH had slept with OW's sister. Anyway all hell broke loose, and I just sat back, watched the messages pinging and laughed (an awful lot). I told her that she could keep him, and maybe share him with her sister. Also told her a few home truths (she knew I was married to him and she knew our situation). I don't think I'd laughed so much as I did that weekend.

A week or two later, the crawling back started. He actually doesn't think that divorce is such a good idea after all (too late, papers signed and sent to court), he thinks that I should consider it all before I continue with divorce (too late, already did that!), that actually he does love me and he didn't mean what he said. ----> what he meant was that I wasn't so bad after all, that he's living in a van at the place he has a lock up/rented a garage, and that living back home with me and the kids is actually a nicer prospect. I told him where to go.

Even 2/3yrs on, my XH STILL laments the fact that he didn't want a divorce/I divorced him when he didn't want a divorce, blah blah boo hoo. The strange thing is that he had a very funny way of showing that when he fucked off with OW instead of actually getting his shit in order and working on our marriage (which he had fucked over with all his previous shitty behaviour). Him buggering off with OW told me that he didn't consider me/the marriage even worth trying to fix.

My thoughts OP? He had an OW, or a potential one, and that went to shit. Even if no OW was on the horizon, if things were that shitty, why the hell didn't he communicate that with you, and look into counselling/seeing how it can be fixed? Why did he just fuck off without so much as a by your leave? Did he really think you were that disposable, that he could just bugger off and then suddenly come back as if nothing happened? I'd tell him to take a hike.

I understand what you mean, another woman would be 'that line' but I suggest you stop that thought right there. Look at how happy you are, eating your quavers watching Love Island, doing what you want to do when you want to do it with no-one making any comment whatsoever, apart from MN saying "Go girl!".

It'll eat away at you for a while but all the time you'll be building up you again and the mental torture will lessen until eventually it won't be relevant.

FWIW, IMHO, very few men leave a marriage/relationship without some new supply to move on to.

His excuses for leaving range from he felt unloved/like a stranger in his own home. We had gone stale etc to he was fed up with himself/sick of life/ had a mental breakdown.

apparently every relationship goes through shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did he discuss any of this before he fucked off or did he blindside you?

How has he been generally since he left? Is he doing his share with the children? Paying maintenance?

If you do go back (and I’m not advocating it) then it needs to be on your terms.

That's exactly the same shit, apart from being fed up with himself , that my then husband said to me shortly before he moved in with the OW.

Yes, he wanted you to fuss over him and make him feel big. He punished you for your neglect by moving out, expecting you to be dreadfully sorry and want to make it up to him.

Relationships are compromise, transactional- you give and you receive. Good relationships are balanced, you fuss over him, he fusses over you, you both feel appreciated. He assumed you needed him more, so would fuss him more.

Turns out there wasn't that much in it for you!

If you are unsure right now, I would tell him that when he left, you were devastated, but you have had to get on with it and you are now in a good place and you don't want to go through that again. I'd tell him that he can come over, see the DC and spend some time with you all, but as for you and him, well you need more time to see how it goes and you are not making any promises. Then I would try and work it out for myself whether I wanted him back or not.

You don't owe him anything and tell him that. Tell him it is on your terms or nothing.

See yourself as a lovely pair of shoes , they are comfy , comfortable , and has served the wearer well.
The wearer is walking down the road and passes a shoe shop with lots of lovely new shoes , they come in different colours , high fashion , brand new & shiny . He has had his eyes turned.
He goes home with his comfy shoes , but can't stop thinking of all the new ones out there waiting for him almost calling out to him.
Some wearers are happy with the ones they have , others are not and are always looking out for the new ones.

Keep strong and keep the unreliable fucker at bay.

You’re doing brilliantly on your own. If you let him back, you’d always be wondering when when he might piss off again.

I expect the other woman refused to leave her husband. So he came home as he didn’t like doing his own dirty work.

Two of my good friends have been through the "Darling, I made a terrible mistake!" scenario, and in each case, their response was, "You certainly did, now bugger off!" as, once they got over the initial shock, they realised how much of the "heavy lifting" they had been doing......
The third one let her DP come back, but he was gobsmacked by the re-negotiated terms: she was ready to settle down, he was clinging to his Peter Pan days, but in his case there was no OW involved and once he'd adjusted to the boot up the arse, he got his act together. But they got together initially very young, and it sounds as if your husband is past that stage. I suspect that the financial obligations he has to his family are dawning on him.

I think the fact you've recognised you're happier without him is all you need to know. Why get back together with someone if you're life is better with them not in.

It's telling that you mentioned him trying for months makes you think he really loves you.

But you haven't said anywhere that you love him?

So then I think you should question why is it more important and relevant that he really loves you (enough to get back with him) but how much you love him doesn't really factor.

My stbxh did this to me 4 years ago and left twice in one year. We got back together after all the typical begging bs and I really believed him. Fast forward to this year the fucker did it again so I did a bit of digging and it turns out he was living a life with OW and D, he got cold feet the 1st time in Jan and came back to me then got back with her in April and continued to see her until he came back again. She believed he was going back to her eventually when he had got all what he needed from me. He said he ended it with her because she was an alcoholic and missed our life together. So the truth in my eyes is who ever offers the most is who’s bed he ends up in !

My ex did this. We were married 32 years, he ran off with an eastern european girl the same age as our children who he met on the internet. She dumped him after a year (when she'd spent all of his money) and suddenly he wanted to try again with me.
I pointed out that

1. he had taken no responsibility or shown any remorse for his behaviour


2. I would never be able to trust him again and I wasn't prepared to live under that kind of stress.


3. I am not prepared to be anyone's plan B.

I've been no contact with him for about 8 years now, and I've never been happier despite some difficult times in other areas of life. If I'd taken him back it would have been complete hell -for both of us actually, - and he'd probably have cheated again and hurt me all over again. I've never regretted not taking him back despite the fact that we'd spent all our adult life together. I only regret not realising what a bastard he was 30 years earlier.

My best friend's DH had “depression" and needed “space". It WAS another woman. She had fucked him over, using him to flatter her ego. He left BF and OW actually had no intention of leaving her DH, just wanted a bit of fun at work. He went and got a flat, expecting that OW would see he was serious and come running to him. We only found out by extreme digging, there was no evidence really. He then came crawling back saying BF is his true love blah blah. She took him back

Mine fucked off with my then best friend
he failed to notice that she had some very bad mental health problems and was violent if she didn’t get her own way
team that with her mother who glossed over her daughters behaviour and thought she pissed sunshine and farted rainbows
the penny dropped about a week in-he just wanted to get his dick wet and she was all marriage and babies
they limped on for about 4/5 months and he ended up leaving (just walked out in the middle of the night) and never contacted her again
he tried to come snivelling back when he realised what he’d lost with me-someone to have sex with,I’d wash his clothes,cook his dinner,buy his beer,make his life easy while he did fuck all etc
when that didn’t work,he ‘found’ someone else and stayed with her for about three years,came snivelling back,got rejected by me and I know he’s been back to my house-only to find I moved away
he’ll try again but I’ve moved on and I look back in horror at what I put up with

Why would anyone want to go back, personally if they did it to me once, I would not trust them again. If someone else come along again in the future would they do it again, it's easier to do something again once you have done it once, I would never feel the same about them, I'd feel they only wanted me because it didn't work out.
It is your choice, personally I think you are better off as you are. Everything happens for a reason. X

@Tully42 you have got the nail on the head. My love for him has changed. I care for him as the father of my kids and for the time we have spent together but can I trust this man and spend the rest of my life going to bed with him on a night - absolutely not.
The sad thing is, I don’t think he’s that bothered. He’d do anything to come back here and have his family life back.

I think it really was a case of 'the grass isn't always greener' wether it was ow, or he wanted to be single, or no responsibilities etc, he's now either got bored and/or the reality has hit home that it's not as fun or enjoyable, and actually he realises it wasn't as bad at home. But instead of talking to you about his feelings at the time, and working it through with you, like a grown up, he decided to make the ultimate selfish decision and leave. They never do think that your feelings will change, they think they can walk back in and nothing will change (another major selfish action on their part), and it never cease to surprise me how surprised and shocked they are when they are told to bugger off.

I've had it happen 3 times now, I went back once (the first one), and it didn't work as I had changed and he thought that nothing would change. We managed a month before I threw the towel in.