42 with no friends, children or partner - anyone the same?

[Bunny2000]

Hi everyone I’m new to here. I’ve joined for some interactions with others. I’ve come to the realisation I don’t really have anyone except my mother in my life. Does anyone else feel the same?

I’m 42 years old, recently separated from my partner. We had no children although we’re planning to. Due to my age I’m starting to get used to the idea it is unlikely I ever will biologically have a child now. My ex partner betrayed me greatly, I have many trust issues now and just can’t see myself in another relationship ever again.

I have a decent career; however I’ve moved around a lot over the years for work and as a result have struggled to hold onto friendships made in new cities- they were only temporary and no one wanted to stay in touch with me after I moved. I’m now settled in my current town close to where I grew up but at 42 many people i meet have their own families now and only socialise with other mums.

where I live I do have friendly neighbours and had invested time in getting to know those when I first moved here however sadly it’s a small town and many of them have shown themselves to be gossips. Especially when I split with my partner who was quite well known round here, people were openly gossiping in the street about me and what happened. As such, I’ve distanced myself a bit from them as I found it humiliating.

i work with some great people and at work people say nice things about me that I’m caring and compassionate. However we all work remotely so are spread around Europe. Very occasionally we have met in person at a get together in London’s for a few hours but then everyone goes home to their families and we won’t meet again for a long time.

i have a sister but a few years ago she decided when she got married she did not wish to keep contact with my mum and if I stayed in contact with my mum she gave me the ultimatum she would also cut contact with me. I did not want to have to choose between them and I couldn’t bear to not speak to my mum just because my sister didn’t get on with her so my sister also cut me off.

i see other posts about women who feel they have no friends but generally these are people who have their own families at least. I just feel I have no one. In the case of an emergency I have no contact as my mum is old and she realistically wouldn’t be able to travel quickly to an emergency situation. I recently had an accident in the house and sustained a hand injury. for weeks I was struggling on my own doing basic things at home. I think that’s what’s hit it home to me.

the longer this has gone on for the less confidence I have even to try to make friends. I seem to make friends though groups and people seem to like me and sometimes have met up but just don’t want to keep in touch or see me regularly. I seem to get a barrage of excuses every time I suggest meeting up with anyone.

does anyone have any advice or do you think I’m perhaps seem unlikeable and destined to be alone?

I think all you can do is commit to keep trying to make friends, keep making invites and try not to take rejection to heart and in the meantime be kind to yourself and make your life as fulfilling as possible while you wait for new connections and friendships to stick.
Admittedly easy to say but difficult to live with while you are lonely.

Hi
Im 45, going through a divorce, no children and a handful of friends.
You are not unlikeable, it’s just that most people our age have families and tend to gravitate towards others in the same position.
I know this is something people say, but the only way to meet people is to go out and,, meet people!
sign up for classes , get involved with local events, take yourself out.. just live! Once you find yourself, and feel good about yourself, you will be surprised how quickly people gravitate to you.

Thank you both for your replies. I will try to be kinder to myself and plan some activities. You’re right people do have busy lives at this time in life I shouldn’t take it so personally x

Hi sorry to hear this.

What about joining the gym? Yoga? Could you get a dog and join some dog walking groups? Like my friend has a malamute and she races her dog with other huskies etc pulling sleds monthly, not saying this like ha but just an idea. My other friend goes to the dog park on a Sunday an loads of people let their dogs off the lead in an adventure playground type of thing. Can't really explain it properly sorry.

You're 42. Too young to be lonely. If everyone's saying nice things about you then believe them. Let your confidence show. When you feel better about yourself good things will come.

As for your sister have you tried to contact her? Why don't you write her a letter? She might be wanting you to contact her. Its unfair of her to put you in the middle.

Are their any school friends you can look up?

Are you sure your neighbours were gossiping? How did you find out x

Just sending a hug. It can be tough making friends as an adult but it is possible so keep on keeping on: select some activities, fill your life, find fascination in different things and see what happens. You sound lovely - a caring and compassionate friend is a rare find - and I’m sure you will gradually connect with some people you warm to. Good luck 🙂

@Lagertha6 thank you. I have tried with my sister but she has been very clear I had to choose either her or my mum and because I couldn’t choose she chose for me. She has formally estranged herself its very sad. Her family is now her husband and his family in her mind.

i have thought about getting a dog but it’s a big commitment and I would want to make sure something I can manage because I made that decision. I have thought about yoga or a class but always talk myself out of it as I’m embarrassed I won’t be good! But it’s a great shout.

regarding my neighbours one of them collared me the other day saying he heard we had broken up asking questions and he and repeated a couple of things I had confided in another neighbour. Maybe I am over sensitive but I’m quite private and felt awkward at being quizzed over it. Especially out in the street. Everyone knows my ex was untrustworthy and he has a reputation round here so I think part of me feels stupid I fell for him as I feel people will be wondering how I was so stupid x

@AtrociousCircumstance thank you for you kind message. I will keep on trying x

What about MeetUp? Don’t think ‘do I want to go to that pub/watch husky racing/sailing’, but think ‘might the people doing that thing be the kind of people I could enjoy spending a day with in that pub/watching husky racing/sailing.’

Treat it partly as a means to meet people, but also look for events you will enjoy. I think there’s a lot of truth in the theory that when you’re not looking, love/friendship/happiness will find you, but I interpret that as when you are happy and absorbed in your activities that you are excited and enthused by, people will be attracted to your energy.

OP, I was in the same situation. I'd worked an international job for years and, like you, moving around means friendships suffer.

At 42 I took a UK based job and made a determined effort to build a social life. I'm not exactly a party animal but a few friends, a martial arts class, a couple of hobbies.

By 45 I had a partner, a ds and a small group of female friends.

It's never too late, but you have to set aside time for social stuff and prioritise it.

@Bunny2000

I’m 50 and I have a 3 year old DS (egg donor).
Friend of mine same age, always regretted not having children - is now a grandma (step grandma) via her partner.
I’m starting to embrace the fact that people don’t ‘like’ me - and that equally I’m quite wary of others. Covid hasn’t helped either.
You are probably at a crossroads right now. Which is nerve wracking - but also an opportunity to take the bull by the horns with all the knowledge that you have.

Things that help me : definitely exercise, early morning run, seeing nature - climbing a hill. I think I’d veer towards joining groups where the speaking to others would centre around the activity - so I’d maybe go for some random sport like bowls, table tennis, or bridge. Or volunteer. Or a learning course.
Just be unashamed and positive about what you want and go for it - with that knowledge that people can be gossipy, untrustworthy and crap. But use that recognition to your advantage - you’ll be able to keep some at arms length and embrace the few ‘good ones’.

Oh - and this probably sounds weird. I did think that if I ever used a dating site - there is a widows dating site. I thought that would be genuine - otherwise I’d probably avoid online dating.

I don't think you're over sensitive I think whoever shared what you said are idiots.

Re yoga and gym I was like you, still am. However I started paying for PT and I don't feel bad now.

I was lonely so got a cat

You sound lovely XXX

I have a good set of friends but I moved a lot internationally when I was younger so I recognise leaving people behind and moving around is not conducive with long term friendships.

I would suggest:

Staying friends with your neighbours, hosting a BBQ and dinner parties etc but not share any private information any longer, keep the conversation purely superficial and about them.
Get a job in a bar or pub, I met so many people that way, and met my friends of 30 years plus. You have the chance to connect with different people on a regular basis
Local dance classes or creative classes are a good way to see people
Is there a group for single people in the area? Some do walking etc here I have noticed
Accept many people with dh and dc will be busy, but they may still like the odd night out
Do a course at the local college and meet like minded people

Good luck! I am sure if you put some energy and focus into it you will find some good friends.

If you have the money I'd look into donor conception. You may still have time to change your whole world and become a mother if that's your dream. No amount of meet ups and yoga will fill that void, especially if you haven't taken any active steps towards it yet. Better to look into it then decide whether to/ not to and make peace then move on.

I don’t think it’s that easy to make friends as an adult. If I think about the friends I have then there are a couple going back a long time who are not local. 3 or 4 from work and a couple of mums. What they have in common which is stating the bloody obvious is we were all in the same room at the same time at some point. Mums don’t socialise with other mums because we have some rule about mixing with our own kind it’s just we see each other at kids parties etc which creates this natural opportunity. You need to get yourself in a room with people. I joined a book club in the last couple of years which was advertised on next door.com. I’ve recently seen a lady setting up a cinema group on there because she was fed up of going on her own - they go for drinks afterwards. Maybe walking more your thing and you’d like to go with a group - I promise you there are people out there but maybe you need to make the first move.

What about a WI group?
In my area there are loads, some are typical WI groups but a few are totally different and aimed at women in their 30's and 40's.
There's also another type of group (not WI) I know of that's centred around cake which sounds right up my street.

Expanding hobbies and interests is the way to go.

If you suggest meeting new people and they give a reason not to, don't see it as them not liking you and an excuse as people do have busy lives.

definitely use meetup.com - it's not dating or anything - just a social group so you can find people in your area with similar hobbies like walking, pub, hobbies etc

Loneliness is a terrible disease. Causes so much pain and suffering. People need to connect with one another. It's a rare person that doesn't need others in their life.
I hope you listen to the suggestions and do something about this?
I'm very sociable. Talk to everyone tbh. I have lots of good friendships, family and a great DH. But that didn't stop me starting a local group for women to socialise. It's taken off massively and you'd be amazed how many women feel alone. Some get dumped by their friends who have partners. I didn't even do that as a teen. Then the cosy ones end up single and suddenly decide they want you around. They should have thought of that when you were alone. (Not you personally but any person who is alone)

I second the WI unless it's full of the gossips you want to avoid? Can you get a bit further afield from your town?

Wild wanderers are a good group. Open water swimming groups are good too. Any group that does something interesting. Volunteering.

Put yourself out there. Be brave. Then post here and tell us when you when you take that step 😊❤️

If you want to do a yoga class don't let fears of 'not being any good' stop you. I'm guessing you're imagining a lot of lithe twentysomethings in trendy lycra twisting themselves into pretzel shapes like something on Instagram. The yoga class I go to is full of people like me - middle aged, a bit out of shape, wanting a bit of a stretch and some deep breathing but no pretzel shapes thank you! It is also a small group, usually 7-9 people, which helps if you're self conscious, but honestly everyone is so busy with what they're doing that they don't watch you for 'mistakes'. Look for classes called 'beginner yoga' or 'hatha yoga' to start with. You can do a beginner yoga video first on YouTube to get an idea of what a class involves if you've never been before. It is a great way to de-stress (and possibly for making friends, but I'm guessing you have to arrive early/ leave late and chat to people which I never do).

Couldn't have put it any better xxx

37 but I'll see you in 5 years, it won't get better for me x

@ItDoesMyHeadIn Me too.

We should all arrange a game of darts lol. There are no Meet Ups near me and even if there were... at our age it's not so easy to find a gang of best mates just sitting around the corner waiting to raise a toast together! It's really shit.

@WTF475878237NC

A very good suggestion Op

@Bunny2000

I'm a solo mother by choice (IVF using sperm donor) and now am extremely fortunate to have my son.

Have you considered trying using donor eggs Op? The success rates are good, around 50/60% . Of course you would need to have a proper fertility MOT and discuss your options, but you could have your own family. There is still a possibility if you choose to consider an alternative option. There are no guarantees but then again there are/were no guarantees you would have conceived easily with your own eggs/partner's sperm either.

I felt lost,alone, directionless, enraged even at my own failure to safeguard my fertility when everyone around me was forming families, getting engaged/married. Now that I have my son, I have my own family. I am calm and content with the usual ups and downs in life! For me, no amount of meet ups was going to fill the hole of not having a child.

Since forming a family in the not so conventional way, I have met and embraced people of all walks of life! I do not only have "mummy" friends I have younger/older acquaintances turned friends who have entered my life.

Hi OP,

I'm in a VERY similar situation to you. I'm 42, no children, i do have a partner but we live in different cities and he is a bit older than me. No brothers/sisters and recently moved back to my home town where i'm near my aging and difficult parents. I also work remotely for an international company.

It's interesting that so many people suggest all the usual things like yoga, dog (ffs), meetups etc and whilst there is nothing wrong with those suggestions i dont think those things are going to necessarily fix your issues completely.

I'm finding at this stage of life things can sometimes be cruel and harder than i had ever imagined. I'm now having to process all my life decisions over the last 20 years and really face up to some of the stupid/weird/terrible decisions I made. Hindsight has come right up in my face and slapped me so damn hard I can't ignore it.

In my 20's I never in a million years invisaged feeling 100% responsible for my aging parents and realising that once they're gone i will have zero family to call my own. I never ever thought i'd feel a sense of loneliness so deep it takes my breath away and stops me from sleeping at night. I didn't have a shred of maternal feelings until i got to about 41 (thanks, shitty hormones.)

My best advise to you it to take each day bit by bit and embrace all those small positive moments. You say people seem to like you and that they think you're caring and compassionate. That's a pretty damn amazing thing to be told by someone, hold onto that and just keep going. If people don't want to meet up dont take it persoanlly, just move on and try again.

Take time to work out what you want in life and process the things that didn't go as planned, i think it's super imporant to tackle those issues and find a sense of peace with your past (ie, relationships, life choices etc) so you can move forward.

Man that all sounds so "zen" sorry about that. Basically, i totally empathise with your sitation and you're not alone in feeling like you do and i hope that in itself helps somehow.

Ah op not easy. I agree a dog a big commitment we have one. Do you enjoy hobbies? I joined a walking thing only 4 regulars but gets me out. Have found friends bit flaky past few years. So I tried do new things. Its no easier at our age (49. I do stuff alone but that gets isolating. Neighbours bit gossipy here too