42 with no friends, children or partner - anyone the same?

[Bunny2000]

Hi everyone I’m new to here. I’ve joined for some interactions with others. I’ve come to the realisation I don’t really have anyone except my mother in my life. Does anyone else feel the same?

I’m 42 years old, recently separated from my partner. We had no children although we’re planning to. Due to my age I’m starting to get used to the idea it is unlikely I ever will biologically have a child now. My ex partner betrayed me greatly, I have many trust issues now and just can’t see myself in another relationship ever again.

I have a decent career; however I’ve moved around a lot over the years for work and as a result have struggled to hold onto friendships made in new cities- they were only temporary and no one wanted to stay in touch with me after I moved. I’m now settled in my current town close to where I grew up but at 42 many people i meet have their own families now and only socialise with other mums.

where I live I do have friendly neighbours and had invested time in getting to know those when I first moved here however sadly it’s a small town and many of them have shown themselves to be gossips. Especially when I split with my partner who was quite well known round here, people were openly gossiping in the street about me and what happened. As such, I’ve distanced myself a bit from them as I found it humiliating.

i work with some great people and at work people say nice things about me that I’m caring and compassionate. However we all work remotely so are spread around Europe. Very occasionally we have met in person at a get together in London’s for a few hours but then everyone goes home to their families and we won’t meet again for a long time.

i have a sister but a few years ago she decided when she got married she did not wish to keep contact with my mum and if I stayed in contact with my mum she gave me the ultimatum she would also cut contact with me. I did not want to have to choose between them and I couldn’t bear to not speak to my mum just because my sister didn’t get on with her so my sister also cut me off.

i see other posts about women who feel they have no friends but generally these are people who have their own families at least. I just feel I have no one. In the case of an emergency I have no contact as my mum is old and she realistically wouldn’t be able to travel quickly to an emergency situation. I recently had an accident in the house and sustained a hand injury. for weeks I was struggling on my own doing basic things at home. I think that’s what’s hit it home to me.

the longer this has gone on for the less confidence I have even to try to make friends. I seem to make friends though groups and people seem to like me and sometimes have met up but just don’t want to keep in touch or see me regularly. I seem to get a barrage of excuses every time I suggest meeting up with anyone.

does anyone have any advice or do you think I’m perhaps seem unlikeable and destined to be alone?

I agree with others, have a child on your own since it was a plan with your former partner. I know it's a big responsibility but worth it and don't have much time to waste in this matter.

Do you really need to live in that small town? Perhaps bigger cities offer more opportunities to meet people besides having better neighbors.

You could also join classes, gyms or clubs to know more people.

Well I will disagree with many posters but please don’t have a child because you are lonely!!

Have a child on your own if you REALLY want a child and be a mother. Otherwise, avoid it at all cost. A child isn’t there to ease your loneliness. Plus even with a child, it likely you will still feel lonely (I have two dcs, I still feel lonely fwiw. They grow up and have their own life. They are not there to fill your life forever)

What has made a difference to me is counselling. I have a lovely psychotherapist and working through my own issues has made me stronger. As I am getting stronger, the loneliness feeling is easing off. I’m able to go out and put myself out there more. I’m recognising what is and isn’t working for me. I’m finding my niche of people that get ‘me’ rather me trying to fit in.

@MumbleAlwaysMumble

I disagree that having a child should only be about wanting to be a mother/parent and really wanting a child. Solo parent by choice here (IVF and a sperm donor).

I wanted a family and a connection, a legacy and if you do a good enough job that relationship should hopefully last a lifetime. And I feel much less lonely now that I have a child, I'm no longer needing to rely on random meet ups, or tid bits from other friends in order to meet up. I still see my friends but I am much less reliant on them. Of course there are lonely moments, and yes the child will grow up, but I feel much more secure in who I am now, more internal peace unlike before in my late 30s with really very little to be getting on with (emotionally) speaking apart from more dreadful dating and relationships! For me it has been the best thing I've done!

Anthurium "I disagree that having a child should only be about wanting to be a mother/parent and really wanting a child."

interested to know what you think it should be about then.

@EmmaH2022

I did: it's about having own family, meaningful connection and legacy...apart from wanting to experience being a parent obviously...

There seem to be only a few socially acceptable words/phrases to define/describe why anyone wants children such as "I wanted to be a mother" A lot of people do it without giving it much thought as it's almost the default position for a woman to be "broody".

Anthurium it's maybe a question of semantics.

I'd also be concerned about someone having a child due to loneliness, though I appreciate OP said that was what she wanted when she had a partner.

Everyone knows my ex was untrustworthy and he has a reputation round here so I think part of me feels stupid I fell for him as I feel people will be wondering how I was so stupid

I know this isn't the main point of your post but I bet this isn't how most (decent) people feel about you at all, they probably feel sorry for you or are sad for you that you had trouble from what sounds like a pretty horrible man. There are a few "local dickheads" where I live and whenever they have a relationship everyone is just holding their breath for the woman to realise their true colours and break it off. Usually when it happens they get congratulated (or at least that's how people feel) not have people wondering why they're stupid.

Also on this wider point, being a very private person does make it a bit harder to make friends if you feel self conscious people knowing anything about you. It often comes with an air of secrecy or shame, I'd suggest trying to shake this off, be unashamedly you.

Hi I'm similar to yourself, except I have teenager children and a partner but absolutely no friends, it's lonely are you in Australia

@uqueen hello I’m on the U.K. x

@EnterACloud thanks for your message you make good points. I think you’re probably right in that of people realise he’s has a past of dishonesty and irresponsible behaviour. I know I’m not stupid I just believe people deserve a second chance and not to be judged from their past - that’s all I wanted to do. He actually became Very ill last year and I nursed him through all that which people know about, so I stuck with him through it all. He got better and just went straight back to messaging other women and going out with them drinking behind my back 🤦🏽‍♀️

You’re right too about being private and I guess that does mean I have my guard up at times. I should try and loosen up a bit and just let myself show a bit more. Thanks for the advice x

Hi OP maybe get a job in a local pub a couple of evenings. It will get you out and meeting local people. Also has the benefit of earning a few quid rather than spending it to meet people.

@EmmaH2022 @MumbleAlwaysMumble @Anthurium thanks for your comments. I hadn’t considered having a child alone and it’s not something I would think about at this time. I did discuss it with my ex partner early last year but it’s so far from my mind now. After everything that happened, I just don’t feel strong enough to do it now and whilst I know age is not on my side, it wouldn’t be right for anyone if I rushed into trying for a child. I have so much respect for all of you mothers- and it’s really interesting to read all of your stories. Thanks for sharing them x

@Cherry35 its funny you said that as I have always lived in cities before. I sort of wanted to experience the small town as I thought I would enjoy more of a sense of community however I was not prepared for the gossip! Strangely in hindsight it was always a lot easier to meet people in the cities as I would meet people through other people more. Also where I live not is very family orientated whereas in the cities it’s more of a mix. I think I will move back to a city eventually x

Hi OP, you aren't unlike able. It's tough at 42 because most people have kids at that age and tend to hang out with other mums and discuss school catchment areas.

My sister is 45 and is infertile. She set up a meet up group for other non mums. They are always doing stuff - theatre, cinema, taster sessions from everything from dancing to kayaking. Is it worth looking on Meetup / social media for something similar near you? Or maybe join a group related to a hobby such as a book club or hiking club? Again, have a look at Meetup and social media.

I read something the other day that said 20% of women in their 40s don't have kids so you are not alone. You just have to find your tribe because they aren't all going to be congregating by the school gates.

@Geogaddi thanks so much for this. You’re absolutely right and I think part of my is at a point i need to reflect on some of my life choices and reconcile certain things before I can move on. It does help feeling other people feel the same. I probably do need to make more of an effort to get out and do things but you are right, it won’t fix some of the underlying issues which I don’t think I had really thought about until I read your comment so thank you xx

@HikerSpiker wow that’s a really interesting statistic! And thank you I will definitely look for similar groups x

Thanks all for all your suggestions they have really helped. It means a lot hearing your own perspective and personal experiences xx

@Bunny2000

It was a US statistic but I'd expect it's similar here. I look through my Facebook and see so many intelligent, successful, attractive single women, with no kids. Around my age which is 43. I think it's a relatively new thing and isn't a demographic that is well studied. It is widely known that the happiest sub group in society is single women though. The 2nd is partnered up men. The 3rd is partnered up women and the unhappiest group is single men. I think because women are more likely to reflect and seek help, by posting here you've done that.

As others have said, get out there and join some groups. If you don't gel with the first group or two, just keep going until you find some people you do gel with. Friendships take time to build and personally I wouldn't attempt to build friendships with women who have young kids, as the kids (quite rightly) will come first and you'll get dropped last minute. I'm guilty of doing this, as a parent of a young DD.

I'm in my 40's have a partner but no kids and to be honest no real friends outside family where I live. I do have good friends from uni but they are all over the UK and Europe.

I think am probably a bit of a loner, I prefer to do stuff alone much of the time and am always busy with my work, hobbies and interests so I don't have a lot of motivation to seek out friends and I wouldn't be friends with someone just for the hell of it I'd have to actually really like them and get on with them. I work from home as well so its hard. I don't typically ever feel lonely but I know I am vulnerable to isolation and loneliness in the future.

Don't worry OP. You are 42 so very young.

Join some clubs
Rubbing club
Walking club
Painting club
Choir
Get a dog and go for walks and people always speak to you and you may meet someone
Anything and any club really

As far as having a child there's other ways than the traditional way so have a look into that if having a child is a must and don't cut off relationships yet just because some idiot has hurt you. You will move on ! Do not let a rubbish relationship put you off your chance to have a child

RUNNING CLUB. NOT RUBBING CLUB

Was also going to suggest this, as I have on another similar thread tonight

I quite like the sound of rubbing club 🤣

I do have kids but I’m a single mum with no friends and it’s incredibly lonely. I’m glad I’ve got my kids but also it makes it harder getting out and about meeting new people . Because I don’t really have anyone to babysit going out isn’t very often. Now there older they don’t want to hang out with me so I’m always on my own anyway ! So yes if you really really want to be a mum you could look at the donor route but having a child is t always company anyway. I mean look at your mum and sister and I’m not in contact with my two older children anymore .

I'm 45 and don't have many friends. But I enjoy my own company.

I love lurking online watching Youtube etc, and recently got into strength training and Catholicism.