42 with no friends, children or partner - anyone the same?

[Bunny2000]

Hi everyone I’m new to here. I’ve joined for some interactions with others. I’ve come to the realisation I don’t really have anyone except my mother in my life. Does anyone else feel the same?

I’m 42 years old, recently separated from my partner. We had no children although we’re planning to. Due to my age I’m starting to get used to the idea it is unlikely I ever will biologically have a child now. My ex partner betrayed me greatly, I have many trust issues now and just can’t see myself in another relationship ever again.

I have a decent career; however I’ve moved around a lot over the years for work and as a result have struggled to hold onto friendships made in new cities- they were only temporary and no one wanted to stay in touch with me after I moved. I’m now settled in my current town close to where I grew up but at 42 many people i meet have their own families now and only socialise with other mums.

where I live I do have friendly neighbours and had invested time in getting to know those when I first moved here however sadly it’s a small town and many of them have shown themselves to be gossips. Especially when I split with my partner who was quite well known round here, people were openly gossiping in the street about me and what happened. As such, I’ve distanced myself a bit from them as I found it humiliating.

i work with some great people and at work people say nice things about me that I’m caring and compassionate. However we all work remotely so are spread around Europe. Very occasionally we have met in person at a get together in London’s for a few hours but then everyone goes home to their families and we won’t meet again for a long time.

i have a sister but a few years ago she decided when she got married she did not wish to keep contact with my mum and if I stayed in contact with my mum she gave me the ultimatum she would also cut contact with me. I did not want to have to choose between them and I couldn’t bear to not speak to my mum just because my sister didn’t get on with her so my sister also cut me off.

i see other posts about women who feel they have no friends but generally these are people who have their own families at least. I just feel I have no one. In the case of an emergency I have no contact as my mum is old and she realistically wouldn’t be able to travel quickly to an emergency situation. I recently had an accident in the house and sustained a hand injury. for weeks I was struggling on my own doing basic things at home. I think that’s what’s hit it home to me.

the longer this has gone on for the less confidence I have even to try to make friends. I seem to make friends though groups and people seem to like me and sometimes have met up but just don’t want to keep in touch or see me regularly. I seem to get a barrage of excuses every time I suggest meeting up with anyone.

does anyone have any advice or do you think I’m perhaps seem unlikeable and destined to be alone?

I quite like the sound of rubbing club

@TwinklingFairyLights Brass rubbing.

I wouldn’t have a child to stop loneliness I know that’s not the reason to have a child or a solution to being lonely. I just mentioned that I had discussed starting a family with my ex more to highlight where things seemed like they were heading a year ago vs now. Apologies for any confusion x

Agree with this.
Also think twice before getting a dog just now - they can be very restricting to a social life. You can’t go out for the day without them and nights/weekends away are very difficult.

Hi OP,
I think it sounds from your posts that you’re a little confused and bewildered, and that you’ve (very neatly) assumed this relates to the situation you find yourself in and are focussing on changes you could make, which is all good…but: I do think you might be downplaying the effects of the relationship/breakup. Reading between the lines it sounds like he was unkind and manipulative, and actively made you feel confused about who you are and to doubt yourself. It is horrid having this done to you, it leaves you with little sense of a firm reality. I’m not sure but I think you may have been badly hurt and that the healing process from that will bring some comfort. Especially for people like you who are private, loyal (as evidenced by your relationship with your mother) and don’t like to ask for help, letting someone in can be major and then if they betray you very hurtful indeed. I’m sorry this happened OP. 💐

@Thereisnolight @ArrivederciCarbs thank you I will check out meet up. I do already have cats so I understand the commitment involved with a dog and would not be rushing in to anything xx

@bathwatertea hello thank you for your message. You are correct in that I am hurt from the relationship. I did receive a lot of criticism from my ex partner and I am ruminating a lot on those comments at the moment. I feel those things he said about me are true & this must be a factor why people I meet do not seem to like me and don’t seem receptive when I suggest plans. I’m starting to think he was right in a lot of ways about my personality and I’m not relaxed enough about certain things. I also got a lot of things wrong while I was caring for him through his treatment and taking him to hospital. I tried my best but I didn’t do everything right he wanted and that’s another reason I wouldn’t have a child alone as I don’t think I would be good enough as a parent on my own.

Could I honestly ask you when you say I seem confused and bewildered what makes you say this? I’m keen to know how I am coming across because in truth I think I have lost some confidence through the whole thing.
i recently started some personal development around healing and hoping this helps to build some confidence back

thank you so much xx

Hi OP.
I meant you seem uncertain in your footing, in your life (and that’s what you posted about), and it made me wonder how many of these were real problems and how many of them related to the fact that a nasty man had destroyed your self esteem and the inner sense with which you find peace and company and work out what to do next. It feels like he’s left you in a fog of some kind.
From what you’ve written just now it really doesn’t sound as if he was nice to you at all, or valued you or reflected you back positively to yourself. In fact it sounds like he did the opposite. I don’t know you, but I bet you a million bucks you’re not any of the things he said you were, but I think the way he’s described you is still understandably getting you down. You sound very competent to me, and reflective, and interesting, and I’m sure you’d make a great partner or friend or mother or owner of ten dogs or whatever your heart draws you too. Try to put his voice in the bin: he was mean and wrong.

Are you interested in drama at all? Theatre groups can be a good for meeting folks and getting involved. Fun as well if you like that sort of thing.

@RebekahVardysLostPhone hi there, I am actually a musician and write and play my own music and some covers. I haven’t done much since pandemic and I’ve lost a lot of confidence over the last 2 years but There are a few open jam nights where I live. I hadn’t even considered that could be a way to meet some people. It’s just having to confidence to practice again and go x

@bathwatertea thank you for your honest comments :) I do feel a little lost since it all ended and stuck in this rut of playing lots of negative comments in my head. I need to find my way out of this and feel better about myself again and start doing the things I love. I do feel lonely but maybe I need to focus on being my own friend first and the rest will come x

I think this is a huge amount it. Women's friendships tend to* revolve around their children and also as they have children they have to focus their time on their new families - meaning that women without children of a certain age - friendships fall apart.
In your situation, it's been compounded by moving and having limited family.

I have no answers, but I do empathise with your situation. 10 years ago I had many friends and a great social life. Now those friends have small children and aren't available.

Being your own friend first sounds excellent, maybe also coupled with realising he was not your friend and he was wrong. You sound ace. I’m the same age. We’ve still got lots ahead of us. I bet you have tonnes of sparkle, lots that you like and brings you joy. Good luck.

I have no answers, but I do empathise with your situation. 10 years ago I had many friends and a great social life. Now those friends have small children and aren't available.

It will be interesting to see what happens to those women once they become empty nesters. If they maybe try and rekindle lost friendships once they become lonely themselves.

I know my sister has issues with her non mums meetup group, in that she keeps getting women with teenagers / empty nesters trying to join. She's adamant that it's solely for child free women though, due to different life experiences. And I completely get this.

Hi there I'm new here and I was wondering if there is any other single parents with no family and no friends? I escaped demestic violence 6 years ago and left my home town. I'm now in a town and have no friends and I've never had family. My concern isn't for myself it's for my 15 year old son, because of my lack of social interaction with people he also has none, he suffers meeting friends and as a result was bullied in school and is now home schooled. My family is me and my son. I'm desperate for him to have a friend. Is there any parents out there that want the same thing for their child? Or is there any meet ups in the Manchester area for people in our situation? Like I say me worry isn't for me although it would be nice for me to have a friend I'm just desperate for my son to have a friend

Sorry if someone has already mentioned this but have you heard of Bumble BFF? It’s a feature on Bumble to meet other women for friendship, you could just message a few on there asking if they want to get a coffee. I felt the same as you a while back and I made some really nice friends on there.

@Riverrayne your post about your son has really struck a chord with me. My son the same age didn't have any real friends for years and I was so worried. He didn't socialise with anyone outside school and was so lonely in the holidays and weekends it used to break my heart. After a few years in high school he really found his feet and now has a close group of friends and I'm so relieved. Is there no way he could go back to school? Sorry to derail this thread.

If I felt my ex knew a lot of people I would be tempted to move and start again. Can you consider jobs that are face to face so you have more interaction through work. A lot of people seem to meet through the gym and classes etc. A dog is definitely a good way to chat to people. Running clubs seem quite social here and boot camps. Have you considered voluntary work at a weekend if you look up charities near you? As for children I wouldn’t give up many foster children need homes?

Do not get a dog it will hinder you getting out and about unless you just want to chat to other dog walkers. Then what if you do make some good friends and they suggest a weekend away? You then need to find care for the dog or pay a hefty sum for kennels.

Sign up to multiple classes, many have a first free session. I noticed a free Latin exercise dance class advertised recently and may try that. I do have friends but always open to more as people have lives of their own you then have the chance of at least one being free. You need to cast the net wide as well. I joined a community garden project, I did enjoy it and the people were decent. It became apparent that the two women who I enjoyed the company of the most both had huge family commitments so the allotment was their only free time so after a very nice summer I didn’t bother to go back on a regular basis and just pop down occasionally. Those friendships just couldn’t progress.

I have relocated many times for work. I grew up rurally and just didn’t fancy being poor quite frankly and that’s the problem with career chasing relocations. I have bowled up in two cities knowing no one at all when young. I have remained friends with ex work colleagues but they are now many miles away and we do meet but it isn’t more than a couple of times a year. That means six weekend get togethers with one of us having to travel.

I have been married for a good while now and have an older DS who is doing a degree apprenticeship. Before covid DH used to spend a lot of time in Asia for work, this has all changed post covid. That’s the reason I continued to work on more friendships as he could be away for months. I grew up in a very busy house, lots of siblings and my Mother was on stage when young so we had a lot of her theatre friends visit who were a bunch of colourful characters to say the least.

I did receive a lot of criticism from my ex partner and I am ruminating a lot on those comments at the moment. I feel those things he said about me are true & this must be a factor why people I meet do not seem to like me and don’t seem receptive when I suggest plans. I’m starting to think he was right in a lot of ways about my personality and I’m not relaxed enough about certain things. I also got a lot of things wrong while I was caring for him through his treatment and taking him to hospital. I tried my best but I didn’t do everything right he wanted and that’s another reason I wouldn’t have a child alone as I don’t think I would be good enough as a parent on my own

Typical abuser gas lighting.

On every front.

He was extremely lucky you looked after him.

(And look how he rewarded that kindness, compassion and loyalty).

Everyone makes mistakes, no-one is perfect. Not one person on this planet.

And there is absolutely no reason you'd not be a good parent. No parents are perfect. A lot are quite shite.

I'd also be willing to put money on there being nothing wrong or difficult with your personality....that is text book abuser dialogue.

Everyone knows what he's like, and he proved them all right again.

Look at him, look at his character, look at his behaviour....why would he ever be an authority on the faults of other people??!!! Why would he ever be an authority on anything?! Why would you take anything he ever said seriously?

So many women have this problem. A severe deficiency of what I call "Aye riiight, dickhead" scepticism and confidence. Do you believe everything everyone says? You know most people talk shite, right? And he sounds like he's a particular fool, wanker and user.

His opinions are worthless.

not relaxed enough about certain things

You mean he was acting like a dickhead and you dared to object?

I tried my best but I didn’t do everything right he wanted

And why should you?

Were his expectations and demands reasonable? Would you think they were reasonable if a friend or sister told you about them in their relationship?

I doubt it.

Everyone knows my ex was untrustworthy and he has a reputation round here

You said you believed in giving people a chance and in people changing.

You've now seen that was a fallacy (in most cases).

Sometimes it's actually better to be judgemental and skeptical.

There's nothing wrong with being like that.

Many "straight talking" men have the maxim."never try to turn a ho into a housewife" /"never wife up a ho"..

The reverse applies equally. Never try to turn a fuck boi into a partner/husband.

Having exited the relationship; I would just say "never take anything a fuck boi says seriously". They tend to have personality disorders and less maturity and responsibility than a 4 yr old child.