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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsure of what to do

55 replies

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 08:00

Just after some advise really… I’m really unsure of what to do.. and what is acceptable/unacceptable

myself and OH have lived together for 5 years. We have a DD of 18 months. He works 5x 8/9hour shifts a week , 7.30-4.30/5ish and I work 2 x 9 hour (10-7)and 1 x 5 hour shift (9-5)

I am always always the first one out of bed at 5/5.30, I get up walk the dogs, tidy up from the night before, feed all the animals (we have dogs, goats and chickens), prepare everything for the day

i then get DD up and sort her out

OH then gets up 7 ish, gets ready and goes out the door
i then have to get myself ready whilst dealing with an 18month old and get out the door for 8.40 ish to drop DD off at my mums to head to work?

am I being unreasonable asking for help?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 08:03

There are no rules. Nobody can tell you what 'should' happen.

But, if you're not happy with the set up in your relationship, why are you asking a forum rather than talking to your partner about it?

That's a worry.

youlightupmyday · 15/06/2022 08:04

You are not asking for 'help'. You are taking all the responsibility and he needs to pull his fucking weight

rookiemere · 15/06/2022 08:09

I'd need to understand first why you have these animals when you both work ?

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 08:10

rookiemere · 15/06/2022 08:09

I'd need to understand first why you have these animals when you both work ?

Why? Would getting rid of the animals make him a fairer man?

PetersRabbitt · 15/06/2022 08:11

Are they your animals? Why can’t he get the child ready and you do the animals.

rookiemere · 15/06/2022 08:11

@Watchkeys if they didn't have the animals they could both get up at 7 .

Perfect28 · 15/06/2022 08:13

It's not help. It's not help. It's not help. Say it with me! Looking after your child and home is not your job. It's both of your responsibility. This is absolutely unfair and you should address it.

Gazelda · 15/06/2022 08:14

Don't ask for help.

Message him today to say "husband, I'm struggling with all the chores in the mornings. Can we chat later to agree a way to make it work better".
That gives him time to think about how he can input to take on a more even share before a calm discussion later when neither of you are rushed.

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 08:18

rookiemere · 15/06/2022 08:11

@Watchkeys if they didn't have the animals they could both get up at 7 .

Yes, but they do have the animals, and OP would like him to share the work rather than her doing it all. Why not deal with the situation OP has rather than creating a new one?

rookiemere · 15/06/2022 08:30

@Watchkeys when people have too much on their plate, it's good to understand why that is the case.

DH decided we would get a dog so he is the primary carer. If somebody said I needed to get up at 6am to walk the dog 50% of the time I'd tell them to have a word with themselves. Also does not absolve DH from doing 50% of childcare ( thankfully DS is a lot older).

I agree my situation may not be relevant, but asking questions is not making up a scenario.

cottagegardenflower · 15/06/2022 09:09

It depends on whose idea it was to have all the animals. If you wanted them then it's up to you to care for them. I don't look after or walk DHs dog often. His responsibility

Original poster
Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:31

So he had a dog and I had dogs when we got together…so both our choices…

goats he wanted, chickens we both wanted…
if I talk to OH about it all he comes back with is he’s tired, he works 5 days a week and I don’t..
on days he does do the animals rarely and never the dogs) he huffs and puffs and moans about how late he is and how he’s going to be stuck in traffic but refuses to get up any earlier..

i also do the animals most nights, sort tea and DD…I’m at breaking point..I cannot seem to get him to realise that it should be a team effort…

I can be running around til 9.30/10pm whilst he sits and scrolls Facebook, watches tv and generally does nothing…

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 15/06/2022 09:35

Why do you consider it help when he also lives there and it’s also his child? By the way you say help, it sounds like you think it’s your job by default, is that what you think?

Original poster
Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:36

It’s easier to do it all myself to avoid the situation due to the backlash but I can’t carry on…

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 09:40

Have you asked him what he thinks of the current set up? Does he genuinely feel that none of it is his responsibility?

Original poster
Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:41

If I ask I just get that he works and is tired…and that I don’t…and that I’m home all day,

OP posts:
Lovemypeaceandquiet · 15/06/2022 09:46

I’m sorry OP you’ve got a child, dogs, goats and chicken with a lazy sod. Was he Eve hands on at all?

You need tomake him realise he’s either going to step up and look after all the things he wanted, or you’ll leave.

Itwasntmeright · 15/06/2022 09:47

So it’s not easier then.

sorry OP, I don’t want it to sound like I’m having a go at you, but the way you say help sounds like you do think it’s your job, when it most definitely is equally his job. it speaks to your underlying attitude, which is probably why you’ve taken it all on anyway in the first place, I don’t have that attitude so I would never have taken it all on. You need to rearrange your thinking, it’s a joint household, the child is both of yours, the animals are the responsibility of both of you, this shouldn’t even be up for debate. If you’re on a day off then it’s reasonable that you should do more, but he seems to feel that the fact that he works absolves him of all responsibility whilst ignoring the fact that you work as well.

my point is that you need to get it into your head that responsibilities are joint, and set your boundaries from there, because being walked all over because it’s easier, well, it lands you in the sort of situation you’re in now. The fact that he has a penis doesn’t absolve him of his responsibilities.

WhenDovesFly · 15/06/2022 09:47

Just because he's at his workplace, doesn't mean he is doing more work than you, or is more tired. Definitely on the three days you're out at work he should be doing his share of looking after the animals and his child.

Get rid of the goats would be the first thing if he doesn't step up. He wanted them, he can look after them.

Maybe make a list of everything you do, with a rough guide of how long it takes you, so he has a visual of just how heavy your load is.

Original poster
Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:50

ive tried not doing everything and it just gets left…

if I ask and he does it it’s a drama..

yes he did used to be interested in walking the dogs etc, I think when I got furloughed and then was on maternity leave straight after he got used to me doing everything…

I guess looking back I’ve let myself be a doormat

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:52

I will look at doing a list of jobs I do on a daily basis and show him….

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:53

I think he’s addicted to social media too

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 09:55

Have you asked him why he thinks it's fair that you do everything on the days you both work?

oviraptor21 · 15/06/2022 09:56

But you're not at home all day.
You work three days (although the timings of your third day are unclear).
A case could be made for you doing all the animal and childcare on the days you don't work when DP does.
But the days you both work and the days you both don't work should be shared equally.
And it would be nice to think that DP would actually like to do a bit of the evening routine when he gets back from work on the days when you've been doing childcare all day.

Yep - time for him tonstartb

oviraptor21 · 15/06/2022 09:56

... to start pulling his weight.

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