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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unsure of what to do

55 replies

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 08:00

Just after some advise really… I’m really unsure of what to do.. and what is acceptable/unacceptable

myself and OH have lived together for 5 years. We have a DD of 18 months. He works 5x 8/9hour shifts a week , 7.30-4.30/5ish and I work 2 x 9 hour (10-7)and 1 x 5 hour shift (9-5)

I am always always the first one out of bed at 5/5.30, I get up walk the dogs, tidy up from the night before, feed all the animals (we have dogs, goats and chickens), prepare everything for the day

i then get DD up and sort her out

OH then gets up 7 ish, gets ready and goes out the door
i then have to get myself ready whilst dealing with an 18month old and get out the door for 8.40 ish to drop DD off at my mums to head to work?

am I being unreasonable asking for help?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:57

On my short day I do 9-2

OP posts:

rookiemere · 15/06/2022 09:58

Can you sell or give the goats to
Someone else?
That's where I'd start - he wanted them, he should look after them.
Other than that I'd smash his phone then he can't waste his time on it.

Original poster

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:59

On the days we don’t work his answer is that I start later than him

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 10:01

It’s silly things like washing etc too, I think in 18 months he’s used the washer once…to wash a shirt that he needed….I can’t not wash as DD and I need clothes so I wash his to make up a load

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 15/06/2022 10:03

We have a lot of animals. One of us would walk the dogs while the other did the other animals in the morning. In the evening one of us prepares dinner while the other does animal jobs. Etc. It’s totally team work. You seriously need to have a chat, whether it results in drama or not. He needs to pull his weight or the relationship will fizzle out. He might well have got used to you doing everything while you were furloughed and on maternity, but you’re not now, and he knows damned well he’s got it easy (or he wouldn’t be making a fuss when you say something).

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 10:04

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:59

On the days we don’t work his answer is that I start later than him

And when you tell him you've got too much to do and you're exhausted, he has no caring sort of response? Is he bothered that you're worn out at all?

Itwasntmeright · 15/06/2022 10:06

Yeah, but making a list with timings is more work. The point is that the OP is already taking on far more work than she should have to. it’s not her responsibility to teach a grown man that he should be contributing equally to his household.

I’d tell him if he’s not willing to meet me half way, that his animals will starve, and he won’t be getting tea, and he won’t be getting clean clothes either. You can’t negotiate with entitled arseholes, and neither should you have to, just blankly refuse to do his share, like he is. Grown adults should know that they have responsibilities. Just take care of yourself, your child and your animals, he’ll soon get the message, and if he doesn’t then that will tell you a great deal about him.

your choices are short term moaning and resentment from him, or long-term burnout and resentment for you, and probably divorce because you will get fed up of it sooner or later.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 15/06/2022 10:16

He knows how hard you are working and that you are on your knees but he does not care because he thinks men are superior to women and that it is up to women to do all the shit work while men sit on the sofa. If you want to change this attitude you are going to have to get ruthless - starting with rehoming the goats, not doing his washing, not cooking for him and not shagging him till he steps up and treats you with the respect you deserve. Or you could kick him out.

Original poster

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 10:19

He knows I like a tidy house too so knows I struggle to leave it….

OP posts:

Perfect28 · 15/06/2022 10:36

OK so you don't work? That does change things. Tbh if you have the rest of the day free for yourself (no work or childcare) then yes it is fair that you do more in the mornings.

Perfect28 · 15/06/2022 10:36

Wait just read op, you do work? I'm so confused

oviraptor21 · 15/06/2022 10:40

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 09:59

On the days we don’t work his answer is that I start later than him

You don't ever start later than him by the sound of it. You're up at some ungodly hour sorting out his goats.

Original poster

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 10:46

I work 2.5 days a week, 2 9 hours shifts snd 1 5 hour

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 10:49

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 10:46

I work 2.5 days a week, 2 9 hours shifts snd 1 5 hour

And 9-6 every 4th Saturday

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 15/06/2022 10:53

Add up all the hours you do, including the work at home.

Present it to him. If he says the hours at home don't count because they're not work, tell him to do them. See what he comes up with. He'll have to have a reason for why he shouldn't do the work at home. 'It's tiring', 'I've been busy all day', etc, but those reasons will be valid for you too.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 15/06/2022 10:56

So a man who’s always been lazy regarding housework and his family duties, remained this way.

I mean, did you ever have a discussion prior to getting all these pets regarding looking after them? If yes, pull him on it and say if he won’t look after them then you’ll need to give them away.

if you didn’t discuss it OP then U really don’t know what to tell you :(

If he cannot/won’t see you’re at the end of your tether, you should think of what sort of family dynamics that predicts. Can you endure years of that?

Mally100 · 15/06/2022 12:17

Who walked the dogs before all the other animals. Insane to add all these animals and a child with a useless person which I'm certain he was right from the start.

Original poster

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 12:54

This is a new thing since I’ve gone back to work on October…

OP posts:

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 15/06/2022 13:39

Sarah18220 · 15/06/2022 10:49

And 9-6 every 4th Saturday

Show quote history

Even before your Saturdays, you are working 2/3 of a week in terms of hours.

He no doubt minimises what you do, but you don't have to OP.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 15/06/2022 14:01

My Mum used to say you you measure your leisure time. If you count up his leisure time (including later mornings than you) and count up yours, how does that look?

HappypusSadpus · 15/06/2022 14:03

Gazelda · 15/06/2022 08:14

Don't ask for help.

Message him today to say "husband, I'm struggling with all the chores in the mornings. Can we chat later to agree a way to make it work better".
That gives him time to think about how he can input to take on a more even share before a calm discussion later when neither of you are rushed.

Fuck thatm

How about "can we chat later because you're not doing your fair share."

Wimbunds · 15/06/2022 14:10

Apart from money, it sounds like DH brings nothing to your life but aggravation. Please don't have another child with him. I couldn't be with someone who was happy to see me miserable and overwhelmed. Agree with a PP, that he sees the housework etc as women's work.

Giveitall · 15/06/2022 14:13

Sometimes we need to do some drastic to ensure a change is made.
Whatever others are saying if you were in my family I’d say “get rid of the goats.” Give yourself a break.
Your chap needs a wake up call.
Just do it!

Original poster

Sarah18220 · 30/06/2022 07:15

i don’t know whether anyone is still lurking on here…
I had a chat with him and pointed a few bits out…he didn’t like it… it was better for a day or so…
I had another chat with him last night and it resulted in a massive argument…
I did point out I had tidied all his crap up that he had left lying around the kitchen for the last 2 weeks (and some longer than that) and I got thrown ‘ well I work 50 hours a week’ , ‘you try doing that’, your at home all day, all you do is play with our daughter.
I mentioned I hadn’t managed to walk the dogs yet as I had been doing jobs to make the house presentable. I was going to do this early, but he said he was going to work early…then he didn’t get up…I tried to say that him not getting up impacted the rest of my day…and he turned all nasty..
he mentioned on Sunday that I only do long hours at work to please myself…I do these so I could work part time and still fit in the childcare….
I think I’m done..

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 30/06/2022 07:19

Yes, he’s not going to change is he. It would be less work for you, and get rid of the anger/resentment, if he was out of the picture.

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