Long term affairs. How and when do they end? Do they restart?

[namechangedforthistoday13]

Long term affairs. I don't understand how people can do this. Live a whole other life for years. All the lying and deception.

We all know how easily they can start but.......
How and when do they end?
When one person says it's over for good this time?
When one person says there is no chance of them ever being together?
When one person fears being caught?
When they actually get caught?

And if at least one person is adamant it is over this time, why does it start back up? How does it start back up?

How do they finally end?

Just musing really.

I think people that have affairs are completely selfish. If you meet someone you feel have an incredible emotional and physical connection with, who is not your spouse, then end the bloody marriage first.

It’s really interesting. I was in a very abusive and emotionally neglectful, dead marriage for over a decade and towards the end of it I could feel myself starting to like other people, to yearn for a proper connection. So I ended my marriage, as I didn’t want to have an affair. But I did get the insight into how it would start and continue. My husband was not at all interested in me except as an emotional punching bag, was a workaholic alcoholic who never helped with the kids. He wouldn’t have noticed if I had had one, and my financial situation would have been much better. I just couldn’t do it though. The purpose of having an affair would have been to be authentic, and then pretending I was still ‘in the marriage’ would have gone against that (even though he was a total bastard to me and didn’t actually deserve my loyalty). I just needed to be the real me living a real life. I would never think badly of someone in that situation who did have an affair though. You cannot be emotionally starved and treated badly. Everyone deserves tenderness.

Long term affairs? Sometimes only stop with the death or very serious disability of one of the two that prevents the affair continuing.
Affairs can last or outlast marriages.

Watching this thread makes me never want to get married. I'm in awe at all these affair stories.

I'm always surprised as well when someone has an affair but claims that they do love their wife/husband. Surely if you love your partner, you wouldn't have an affair???

I get that sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. But most affairs when found out, the cheater normally works on their marriage so it obviously wasn't about finding the right person at the wrong time.

Sometimes people are quite pragmatic. They know they can’t / don’t want to be be together in the fullest sense, and so as long as the communication and vision is clear, it can carry on a long time. A bit like a long term friendship.

One other point @namechangedforthistoday13 they last because they can. So many blinded eyes turned or forgiveness given do it’s easy to start up again.

They are relationships and so every one will be different. I'm not sure how anyone can answer your question other than to quote their particular experience or observation and that will be different to everyone else's.

Your poor partners 😞

Genuine question - why stay close? Why stay in touch even, if it's truly not something you want to do again?

You could remove the possibility entirely to safeguard your relationship and not risk damaging your partners' mental health, families' stability and to make better choices.

Because he's made advances since and you're still 'emotionally close' and your partners presumably don't know you precious had a physically affair but have stayed close, you're essentially having an emotional affair at the moment.

Is it worth it? If you think so, I think that on some level you must want the physical side to happen again.

It's so sad for your partners and for his kids too.

On and off again over a six year period. I wanted to feel more like lovers than FWB's (I was head over heels in love with him, but he was using me and was having sex with other people too).
He said that wasn't going to happen. I got a modicum of self respect and ended it.
But would still text him occasionally when I was drunk. He would text back a day or two later and I would ignore him in the cold light of sobriety.
After months of no contact on either side, he invited me on a trip he was going on. At any point over the previous six years I would have cut my little finger off for the opportunity to be with him for an extended period.
I text him back telling him he was an idiot and no I would not be going.
After he returned from the trip, I sent another text to him, not a nice one really but it could have led to me being sucked back in. Got no response, in the course of an evening/night and I knew I had to take drastic action, as he would have come back to me at some point.
So I phoned his wife and told her everything. Never heard from him again, thank goodness but I do still yearn for him from time to time.

@wellhelloitsme yes, I don’t disagree with you.

One post? Nothing else again, across the whole of the site.
If it walks like a journalist and talks like a journalist.....

Just musing which newspaper this is for....