Long term affairs. How and when do they end? Do they restart?

[namechangedforthistoday13]

Long term affairs. I don't understand how people can do this. Live a whole other life for years. All the lying and deception.

We all know how easily they can start but.......
How and when do they end?
When one person says it's over for good this time?
When one person says there is no chance of them ever being together?
When one person fears being caught?
When they actually get caught?

And if at least one person is adamant it is over this time, why does it start back up? How does it start back up?

How do they finally end?

Just musing really.

My friend’s father had an affair for 9 years. He and the wife (my friend’s mum), had five children. It ended when the the father confessed one day and said he was leaving the marriage (the kids were aged 11-19). He married the other woman. They’ve been married 17 years now. He was married to my friend’s mum for 20 years.

Sometimes they don't end.

Sometimes they just don't end. People can be very careful, and partners can also turn a blind eye.

Ours both ended (mine and DH's) or rather transmuted, when we decided to expand our definitions of what closeness love marriage and fidelity might mean. Wasn't easy though.

My friends father had an affair for the whole time he and his wife was married, he used to take the kids to the fancy pieces house. This was a good 16years and the affair only came out because the other women got pregnant.

? What does that mean?

Whats 'transmuted' ? You both muted affairs at the same time? Baffled and a bit intrigued.

Sorry; intrigued and a bit baffled is probably more correct.😁

My ex had a three year affair with my friend. Neither her husband or myself, knew a thing about it. I found out one morning when I found a letter she'd written to him, which he'd been using as a book mark. Honestly you couldn't make it up.

When I confronted him, he dumped her straight away. Literally that day. Never even explained, just walked away like it had never happened. I still left him, and to be honest, it wasn't only the affair that made me leave, it was also the way he just dumped her like that. Made me see what kind of person he was.

They end when the two people make a decision. There's two options, either be together or call it a day because the pressure of living two lives gets you in the end.

People assume it's all fun and games and the people having the affair don't care about anything or anyone else, this couldn't be further from the truth from my experience.

Personally we are in the process of leaving everything to be together, it's been a tough decision but after numerous attempts to end it and a few close calls getting found out we still couldn't walk away from each other.

The lying is hard, it's not just to your husband or wife it's to friends and colleagues and other family members. Some of these people suspect no matter how good a job of hiding it you think you are doing. You know exactly who they are when you announce your separation from your spouse and they are not shocked. The only people you are kidding is yourselves if you think you can live separate lives and no one will notice.

For me personally nothing would have stopped me and that's exactly why I've left my partner and started a proper relationship with my AP.

My husband had a year-long affair and ended it with her as soon as I found out. They were away together at the time and I texted him with the evidence. He considered his options, told her he wanted to try to save his marriage and the affair was over, and got himself a separate room for the last night. He says he was almost relieved to be found out (allowed him to stop the lying and end things without having to take an active decision the cowardly pathetic arsehole), and has absolutely no desire to go back to her, and will never do anything like this again. I actually believe him, we are still together for now, but I am currently considering my future options - and leaning towards leaving.

They fizzle out when one party realises that leaving their other half and getting together with the affair partner just means putting different bins out and dropping someone else’s kids at school.

So many permutations here...

One girl I knew, (single mum 1 dc) dumped her married lover of 12 years when his wife became pregnant (he told her they were "living separate lives" !!)

Another (single never married, no dcs) finally woke up and ditched her married lover after 25 ( ! ) years when she saw her friends becoming grandparents.

Another (widow, no dc's) has been in an affair for 15 years and his wife knows. Every so often the wife has a strop and throws him out. He moves in with the AP. After a few weeks the wife begs for him to go back and he goes. Lather rinse and repeat.
I can see this continuing until someone grows a backbone, gets some self-respect and puts a stop to it.

I know someone who has had an affair for the last 4 decades. He got caught exactly once when they were still young but talked his way back into his original relationship. He says he is in love with both women. In his own way he feels committed to both and will never leave one of them. His affair partner knows all about his wife which makes his deceit easier. Plus that his daily (weekly) routine has been the same for decades, so his wife doesn't see any difference to make her suspect anything. It will never end.

Transmuted means changed shape. So, no longer seen as affairs, but valued relationships within an expanded idea of what love and family can be - I'm guessing. Ethical non monogamy, as their username hints. Sounds wonderful @EthicalNonMahogany - by which I mean authentic, and brave, and rewarding.

I think a lot of spouses turn a blind eye. I just went and checked on the FB profile of a former work colleague who was having a thing with another work colleague, both families are all still very good friends on FB, with the exception that the male colleague is now obviously separated from his wife.

Hubby of the woman colleague looks dreadful. He developed cancer when I knew them, but got over that. Either she has worn him down with her comings, goings and big emotions or his health turned for the worse againm yet he seems very capable in the photos etc so I'm not sure.

It wasn't her first workplace affair either and she left Hubby for that one, who couldn't quite manage to leave his wife on the day.

Some people seem to be able to be very discreet, others not so.

Affairs are bubbles, which is why they are so intoxicating. There’s generally no break from
the exciting early stages of a relationship and if both parties accept the deal, they are very hard to walk away from. There generally needs to be a smoking gun. Ultimatums from the affair partner can lead to the relationship starting again, but when they come from the APs spouse things become real fairly quickly and the affair no longer exists in a separate universe. The threat of the end of a marriage, child access and all that go with that are generally enough. People who are in affairs may feel guilty but not typically enough to end things. Marriages can sometimes recover of course, but that only becomes evident in time and with forgiveness from
the wronged party.

Judging by the people that I know who have had affairs, they split up because they go off each other, they get bored once the excitement ends or they meet someone else. A bit like any other low-commitment relationship.

Name changed for obv reasons...
Two things - after 7 years it had run its course; COVID.

I left my husband for my affair partner after two years. I would have left earlier but Covid and fear of his anger affecting the kids slowed me down. He cheated on me a lot but didn’t fall in love with anyone else, I fell in love. My marriage was poor and my relationship with my now partner of four years is a million times better.

After 3 years of an affair, wife / partner found some evidence, husband managed to deny the evidence. Affair carried on for another month. Husband felt guilty for wife. Tried to lay low and restart affair a few months later. Ap found some self respect as she was fed up of the husband treating her badly.
They no longer communicate.
Husband now has another woman in target, wife seems unaware.

In my experience they either end quickly, if individuals meet and act quickly to change their circumstances. Where that doesn't happen, things can drag on until there's a trigger for change like a partner finding out, or the situation becoming untenable for other reasons.

My friend's husband had an affair for seven years, she had no idea all that time. It didn't end - she found out, they split up and he stayed with the OW.

People who have affairs always come across as rather self-indulgent and over-dramatic to me.

My Dad had a long term affair and was very irritating about it. Lots of mentionitus "my friend thinks blah, blah, blah" and a keenness to drive me to dance lessons so he could presumably fit in a quick bonk with her.

My parents stayed together and were both awful people so the affair was irrelevant to me emotionally but did serve to highlight just how little my Dad thought about anyone bar himself.

What I wonder about is his AP - he was a married alcoholic with four kids who resorted to DV when it suited him. What was the attraction?

I have never had an affair and never will because I am a decent human being. Pre-marriage I wouldn't have considered someone who was in a relationship or even someone who had divorced.

However, one sibling has had affairs throughout her 20 year marriage - husband knows but seems to accept it. We only get one chance at life and it is such a waste to spend it lying and cheating.

I don't think there is a single answer because people start, continue and end affairs for different reasons. I also disagree it's easy for them to start. Easy and normal to be tempted, sure, but to actually take the plunge is a deliberate decision you must have to battle your conscience for. Personally the lies would just make me too stressed for it to be sustainable.

I know of affairs that ended when the partner found out, affairs that ended due to guilt, affairs that ended because they left to be with the other person. They're all messy though. In one case after an affair of several years, the actual decision to come clean and leave was precipitated by the OW calling the wife to tell her while a child was seriously ill in hospital. Years later the affair partners are still together (how she trusts him, I'll never know) but the relationship with the children (now adults) is extremely strained.