Long term affairs. How and when do they end? Do they restart?

[namechangedforthistoday13]

Long term affairs. I don't understand how people can do this. Live a whole other life for years. All the lying and deception.

We all know how easily they can start but.......
How and when do they end?
When one person says it's over for good this time?
When one person says there is no chance of them ever being together?
When one person fears being caught?
When they actually get caught?

And if at least one person is adamant it is over this time, why does it start back up? How does it start back up?

How do they finally end?

Just musing really.

A friend of mine had a 5 year affair. They were both married with small children at the time (c.30y ago). He used to take long lunches and meet her while her husband was at work. Then one day 5 years in she rang him and said she'd packed her bags and had left her husband and they could finally be together. He dumped her. On the spot. Said he was shocked she would leave her children. Never saw or spoke to her ever again. His wife found out and stood by him until the children were grown up and then she left him. AP is still with her husband AFAIK.

Often they just fizzle out after the initial excitement is gone and the shag-meetings become a routine.

Thank you @Stravaig that's very kind. And yes, we discovered we both were having affairs, worked out some of the reasons and started from where we actually were then rather than where we thought we ought to be. It was hard to hear all the things that hadn't gone right between us but we have left it that we are ok to see our affair partners and one of them has actually fizzled out in fact.

Affairs rely so heavily upon the dynamic of the primary relationship.

In a reasonably secure primary relationship - perhaps one in which their might be sexual issues - an affair may well continue for as long as it is a secret add-on to the primary relationship.

But when it is found out, especially if the primary partner leaves, the dynamic changes. The affair is no longer a secret add-on. It can't be because there is no default primary relationship existing which makes it a secret add-on.

At that point a cheater may well view the AP as a default they don't really care to have as a default, and will go and chase their spouse to get them back to their own 'safe' default.

If the spouse returns to the primary relationship, all is well for a while, then the whole pattern is likely to repeat.

We know a couple who are like this, however, she admits she finds the excitement of an "affair" dampened by her DH knowing. She and her DH only have long distant lovers to ensure local friends don't know. (We found out when we bumped into him with the OW on a city break, cue phone call from her saying she knew!) I think she's relieved she can talk openly about it to someone.

If one person is adamant it is over but then it later starts up again, I would suggest any or all of the following in relation to the person who was adamant:

bored
craving attention
nostalgia
old-times-sake
had an argument with their spouse
feeling stress and feels entitlement to 'treats'
some sort of personality disorder which makes commitment difficult
missing some aspect of the AP's personality which is missing in their spouse
some change which makes the previously adamant person uneasy about ex AP

I haven't listed love of the AP/limerence just because I think it's unlikely a person would be adamant about wanting to end the affair.

I've only had one affair - it ended when he moved away with work. No feelings involved on either side and I'm sure he soon replaced me with a likely candidate in his new location! As far as I'm aware his wife never found out.

My dad had pretty much continuous affairs throughout my childhood (similar to @Minimalme I was often used as an alibi/excuse to nip out) and from what I can gather, he would generally leave my mum, and move in with OW. After a few weeks he'd come back and say he was prepared to give my mum another chance 🤨 as the OW had proved sub-standard. I think what generally happened is that his mask slipped and OW had more self-respect than my mum, who always took him back.

I suppose with long-term affairs that are meeting a need that is otherwise unmet (whether that's a basic sexual urge or a deeper emotional connection) in the primary relationship, they are likely to restart if those needs remain unresolved.

There you go @karatema when you take the panic and trappedness and "only my AP understands me" out of it, you can recognise what you actually want in your life and the affair may well lose its heat. In our case we do like having other relationships and we have gone more polyam but it's also put us both back on the same side for the first time in many years. We'd be mad to leave each other now - who else would give us what we get from each other!? Love, sex if we want it, no bother if we don't, support for other relationships, friendship, mutual lifestyle and support, financial security. And my husband is hot too!

I would say I very much deplore affairs as abusive control tools especially when children are there - I don't want to be saying yay, affairs for everyone. Authenticity is important. I'm sorry for your father's behavior @EvenMoreFuriousVexation

THIS! This is one of the reasons why affairs that go undetected are more likely to keep starting back up. They may break it off but the betrayed partner never finds out, so problems are rarely resolved as it's likely that he/she has no idea that there is even a problem. Affair restarts again. It's a cycle.

Also, habits are hard to break. Affairs are like a drug. You get withdrawal symptoms and need that kick again.

Prevention is better than cure.

So where there's a fundamental (and unresolvable) problem in the primary relationship, but logistical, cultural and emotional reasons why ending a marriage is so hard, then what?

@Mandalayblonde Yeah that's a bit of a tough one really.

Affairs on the whole are selfish and I'd hate to be betrayed by someone like that. I get that there may be situations where things are a lot more complex.

In general though, affairs are just addictions that are hard to break. In general, people DO have an easy choice to walk away from it or walk away from their marriage.

I have been involved in a secondary, mostly emotional relationship for over 20 years, since before I got married. We could not be together for cultural reasons, despite us wanting to try and have a relationship. We have always had distance between us but would meet up on occasion, once or twice a year. However, we physically haven't met up since we had DC but we text several times a week (just general friendship chitchat but never about our partners) and sext once a fortnight (roughly).

We do talk about when we will see each other again.

Who knows what will happen in the future. I would really miss him if it ended.

To answer another of the OP's questions as well, affairs usually end when they get caught, get close to getting caught, or when one of them moves away.

I presume after a number of months or even years, the affair becomes as dull and predicable as the main relationship.

Thanks for your honesty. I suspect these complex layers of connection are more common than are typically recognized in society...

@OP Why do you ask? What do you think?

My ex hubbie had affair for over 2 years before I found out from the texts on his phone. he denied all until I produced the screen shots. He seemed to think he could carry on with her and me. He cheated on both of us with others too. He then dumped her in a phone call. I never went back. It was all about him. It had taken me years to see it.

Really interested in these scenarios. My STBXH had an affair dinevtears ago that so suspected but had no proof till OW H contacted me snd STBXH finished it then -probably because her H was a tough firebrand and he was scared of what he might do to him…

Watching this thread is really quite fascinating......

I couldn't ever imagine experiencing an affair, from any side of it. People's lives are so complicated.

@namechangedforthistoday13

why do you ask? Have you just discovered the affair. If so how did you find out?

What I’ve learnt is no long term affairs often don’t end because the person having the affair suddenly wakes up and realises what they are doing is wrong.

If it ends because of discovery or disclosure by the other party then the motivation to change just isn’t there.

If they blame the other person or the partner they are with for the affair then they will cheat again.

They need to be fully committed to accept their part, have counselling and be single in my opinion.

If you’ve got in a relationship with someone who cheats and has a pattern of it they will cheat again. You are unlikely to know as they are so good at it. You’ve picked up a snake. Don’t he surprised when they bite you.

If you’ve forgiven will you ever really trust again. Why is your self esteem or confidence so so low. Get a backbone and raise the bar.

And the worst type is the one who claims it meant nothing and they were led astray. If a long term relationship is just nothing and they bad mouth the OW then you either have a man who isn’t being honest about his feelings or sees women for sex and doesn’t have capacity for those kind of loving relationships.

How does it restart? Because they are bored of their main relationship and aren’t getting whatever unmet need they have- whatever the affair partner does to met it. Sex. Freedom. Release from reality. Or they are in love with them. I’d suggest if it’s been going on for years it’s probably more love tbh. If it’s not you’ve got yourself a real snake.

Aim higher.

I know of a situation where the woman fell for a married guy, and although she felt guilty about being the ‘other woman’ she loved him. One day he sent her a text saying his wife had collapsed and died, he was with family at the hospital. She was verging on hysterical (she phoned me) that she couldn’t go and be with him right then, crazy as that sounds, she was distraught. After the wife’s death, they continued to see each other secretly, and they loved each other intensely. During the next two years she also lost a close family member, and they were both grieving, while trying to navigate the changes in their lives. After 5 years, she got to a point where the grief and the guilt that she’d pushed down from the start was too much, and she ended it for good. She says she still loves him, though she hasn’t seen him in years.

My very long term affair slowly ended as I met my now current husband and my AP started trying for a second baby with his wife. We haven’t had any inappropriate physical contact since I got married but we are still emotionally very close. I see him as a best friend but I know it could very easily get physical again if we let it. He has tried on a few occasions over the years but I’ve resisted, so far.