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Original poster

DH doesn’t want children. Is he just scared?

126 replies

Rhodora · 12/06/2022 19:53

I am wife number two and I have been with DH for six years. DH and his ex wife were separated when we met and their divorce was finalised almost a year to the day after we first met. He was not innocent in the split but there were faults on both sides and in the end life got in the way and neither focused enough on each other. DH lost his job when the bottom fell out the housing market and so he took a job as an HGV driver to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and the bills paid. This sadly meant working away a lot and leaving her for days on end with the children.

DH has four children with his ex wife who were 5, 4, 2 and 5 months when they first separated. He saw his children every weekend after they separated. Around 20 months after we met and 22 months after they separated his children told him they didn’t want to see him anymore. He hasn’t seen them since but still pays for them and sends money and cards for birthdays and Christmas.

On our third date I told him one day I wanted to be a mother. I made it clear l wasn’t planning on telling him he was father nine months down the line but equally I was 31 and didn’t want to get to a point in the relationship where we decided on a future together and find we were worlds apart on that point. He said he wasn’t against being a father again.

Fast forward to now and he is working in construction again. He goes from looking at what private school (public school in England) we would send our child to, to talking about fostering or adoption to then saying he doesn’t want children. I think he’s scared of being hurt again but he seems to forget that I have seen the damage to a child when parents split acrimoniously in my mother. Because of this I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever stop him seeing our child even if our relationship failed. Is DH just scared?

OP posts:
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 13/06/2022 08:31

He's has 4 already, and whatever happened he doesn't want anymore.
TBH I wouldn't either and neither would I spend tens of thousands for an hr in a contact center.

clpsmum · 13/06/2022 08:35

ZekeZeke · 13/06/2022 08:12

To answer your question OP.
No he is not just scared. He is just a shit Dad.

And he will be as shit a dad to any future children you may have.

Well said

ValerieDoonican · 13/06/2022 08:38

I think you should not only ne doubting yoir husband's story about why he no longer swes his kids, you should be doubting what he has told you about his marriage and breakup too. He is clearly a bullshitter, and the evidence you have shared here suggests he bullshits to hide either indifference to his children, or perhaps even abusive behaviour towards his children and/or ex.

I would find it very hard to feel safe with a man with so much of a bad smell coming off the tales he tells about his husband/father/human being track record. And now he has been future-faking with you. I fear you have been sold a picture by him that will never become reality and in time,you will be one more of the many people whose life he has fucked up.

Sorry to be so harsh, but at the root of it, I just don't think he can be trusted. :(

Shgytfgtf111 · 13/06/2022 08:43

I'm a little concerned about someone who would leave their family when their youngest was 5 months old, not gonna lie.

I also doubt that the children would be screaming in the car if thats as far as things went.

girlmom21 · 13/06/2022 09:15

MayMi · 13/06/2022 07:27

Maybe he's heartbroken about his kids telling him they don't want to see him anymore. That would break anyones heart.

And the solution to that is to never see them again?

Aizizi · 13/06/2022 09:31

Realistically, he can't afford any more dc, never mind any other issues. Children are £££

PeekAtYou · 13/06/2022 10:09

It costs £210 plus a mediation session to get a Child Arrangement Order. A man who can afford 5x private school fees (100k after tax ) could even get a solicitor to walk him through it and a barrister to represent him through the process.

He's missing out details here- either he's not that bothered 🚩 or he is concerned about admitting to past behaviour 🚩 either way men like him shouldn't have more kids.

The story about why the kids wanted to stop coming has got massive holes. I'm going to read between the lines and assume he lost his shit after saying ridiculous stuff about Smarties and Irn Bru (the ingredients have changed many times since we were children and there's a massive whiff of accusing his ex of feeding the kids too much crap ) or he is using this as a convenient reason to escape contact.

It's a good thing that he doesn't want kids. Please don't talk a man who has abandoned 4(!!) kids into being a father again. Your future child (and you) deserve better.

daisyjgrey · 13/06/2022 10:10

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

drlel · 13/06/2022 10:19

MayMi · 13/06/2022 07:27

Maybe he's heartbroken about his kids telling him they don't want to see him anymore. That would break anyones heart.

My heart bleeds for him 🙄

I'm a single mum to my DD. Friday night I wouldn't let her stay up to watch a film on her tablet. She was tired and whiney so I confiscated the iPad and as I was leaving the room she was shouting how much she hated me, I was to get out her room, she never wanted to see me again, I was the worst mum ever etc etc

Should I just have given up and walked out her life for good??

drlel · 13/06/2022 10:21

She also told me she loved her dad more and wanted to live with him.

Guess what...Instead of packing a bag an shipping her off there, I waited til she'd calmed down and talked to her about her behaviour.
More importantly I reassured her that I loved her and that I wasn't going anywhere (after she apologised)

Unanananana · 13/06/2022 11:05

OP won't be back. Sometimes, home truths are not pleasant. Hopefully, another unwanted baby won't be bought into the world.

Hollipolly · 13/06/2022 11:10

How old is your DH?

The youngest was practically a newborn and 4 kids is more than enough not to mention he has no contact.

DH needs to be clear and you need to be realistic OP uts highly likely he does not want any more kids at all!

whumpthereitis · 13/06/2022 11:24

It’s one thing if you didn’t want children and chose to be with this man, but it’s quite obvious to an onlooker that while you may want to be a mother, this isn’t a man that really has any interest in being a father.

At best he’ll have one with you to shut you up and afford himself a quiet life, but it’s not what he actually wants, and it’s a recipe for disaster. You’d be left holding the baby.

He’s told you that he doesn’t want any more children, and you have to come to terms with that and either stay and not have children, or leave and try to. I think there is fear here, but it’s yours. You don’t want to hear what he’s telling you, so you’re trying to make it something you can overcome.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/06/2022 11:27

He would pay for his four children to go to private school if his ex wife wanted them to.

Uh-huh.
Genuinely committed to that is he?
Is that the same level of commitment he put into his reply on date 3 about having children with you? -

He said he wasn’t against being a father again.

The same level of commitment he put into his first marriage? -
He was not innocent in the split -
four children with his ex wife who were 5, 4, 2 and 5 months when they first separated

The same level of commitment he put into comforting & remaining in the lives of his own children? -
His children decided he was the devil incarnate and he refused to take screaming children.

Why on earth did you marry this man, when he gave you every indication that he is a shit dad who doesn't want his own DC, let alone yours?

He's not SCARED of having more kids. He simply doesn't want them. He doesn't want his current kids, he doesn't want future kids, & everything he has told you about why & how he walked away from his own children is a pile of steaming bullshit.

The only mystery is why you believed it.
If you want DC of your own, you need to leave this selfish man & his excuses.

catandcoffee · 13/06/2022 11:48

He took the EASY decision...come on surely you can see that.

Women need to stop believing the crappy excuses, men give, when it gets too hard for them 😤

VodselForDinner · 13/06/2022 11:52

You could walk into the street and get pregnant by some randomer who is more like to be a good father.

This man has abandoned his children, you should be giving him a wide berth let alone trying to add more kids into the mix.

Take what he’s told you about his ex with a very big pinch of salt.

The question I’d be asking myself is “why would the ex prefer to be a single parent to four young children than to have this man in their lives”.

You’re being massively naive here.

fossilsmorefossils · 13/06/2022 12:01

I would never abandon my child. If they screamed when seeing me I would do anything in my power to make the experience more comfortable again so they get used to me again. If my young child would tell me they didn't want to see me I'd still try, send letters, pictures and cards and keep a little diary something for them for later.

Any decent parent would do anything for their children, except walk away.

His story doesn't add up. He abandoned them. We all see it, why don't you?

PurassicJark · 13/06/2022 12:15

Op, he is a deadbeat dad. He couldn't be arsed dealing with them so he used that as an excuse. Deep down he knows he is a shit dad, which is why he says he doesn't want any.

You won't listen to any of this though, so have your baby with a shit father. Don't come back crying when he doesn't pull his weight and you end up divorced because you get sick of him. You know your future, it's an obvious one.

Herejustforthisone · 13/06/2022 13:53

I’m sure I’m repeating others (not RTFT yet) but….

You got with a man two months after his marriage failed, who left when he had four kids, one of whom was five months old, whose kids asked never to see him again (🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩) and who hasn’t fought to see them…and you want your children with him, why???

OopsAnotherOne · 13/06/2022 14:15

Please OP, remember the saying "when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM".

Please believe him. He has 4 young children, none of which are old enough to have made the decision not to see their dad again. He has an ex who is "apparently" happy to do 100% of the child-rearing for 4 small children, and is apparently turning down tens of thousands of pounds from your partner in order to put the children through private school.

From what your partner has told you, the children's mother sounds crazy, right? This mean witch, a bad parent, refusing contact and denying the children a place at a better school. In which case, if what he has told you is true - why does he leave his 4 children in her sole custody?! If she were that bad of a parent, he should not be leaving his children with her......but he does. Why is that?

OR - Is it that he hasn't told you the truth. He knows his ex is a good mother, she's having to raise his 4 children all by herself and he just prefers things this way as it's more convenient to just send the odd present in the post and claim he's hard done by.

From reading through the lines re. the ADHD conversation your DP had with his ex - it sounds like the mother has identified ADHD symptoms in one of her children, dealt with the admin and hassle of getting the child to the doctors, to assessments, corresponding with health professionals and essentially got the matter sorted in a way that's best for her child. To then have the deadbeat dad then pipe up with an (incorrect and outdated) comment, suggesting what she's doing is wrong, is understandably frustrating and upsetting. I still don't think the 4 VERY young children would have then said "right, fuck it, never seeing dad again". Children are usually the most "parent focused" at that age and don't start to see their parents' true colours until they reach a more emotionally mature age.

Please read through the lines - your 'D'P is not being truthful.

drlel · 13/06/2022 14:28

fossilsmorefossils · 13/06/2022 12:01

I would never abandon my child. If they screamed when seeing me I would do anything in my power to make the experience more comfortable again so they get used to me again. If my young child would tell me they didn't want to see me I'd still try, send letters, pictures and cards and keep a little diary something for them for later.

Any decent parent would do anything for their children, except walk away.

His story doesn't add up. He abandoned them. We all see it, why don't you?

Exactly!!

clpsmum · 13/06/2022 15:45

OopsAnotherOne · 13/06/2022 14:15

Please OP, remember the saying "when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM".

Please believe him. He has 4 young children, none of which are old enough to have made the decision not to see their dad again. He has an ex who is "apparently" happy to do 100% of the child-rearing for 4 small children, and is apparently turning down tens of thousands of pounds from your partner in order to put the children through private school.

From what your partner has told you, the children's mother sounds crazy, right? This mean witch, a bad parent, refusing contact and denying the children a place at a better school. In which case, if what he has told you is true - why does he leave his 4 children in her sole custody?! If she were that bad of a parent, he should not be leaving his children with her......but he does. Why is that?

OR - Is it that he hasn't told you the truth. He knows his ex is a good mother, she's having to raise his 4 children all by herself and he just prefers things this way as it's more convenient to just send the odd present in the post and claim he's hard done by.

From reading through the lines re. the ADHD conversation your DP had with his ex - it sounds like the mother has identified ADHD symptoms in one of her children, dealt with the admin and hassle of getting the child to the doctors, to assessments, corresponding with health professionals and essentially got the matter sorted in a way that's best for her child. To then have the deadbeat dad then pipe up with an (incorrect and outdated) comment, suggesting what she's doing is wrong, is understandably frustrating and upsetting. I still don't think the 4 VERY young children would have then said "right, fuck it, never seeing dad again". Children are usually the most "parent focused" at that age and don't start to see their parents' true colours until they reach a more emotionally mature age.

Please read through the lines - your 'D'P is not being truthful.

This

Spohn · 13/06/2022 17:59

Wow, it would be appallingly cruel to force existence on someone with your scumbag of a husband for a ‘father’. Save everyone the trauma, don’t let this man keep breeding. Absolute disgrace.

greatblueheron · 13/06/2022 18:56

JassyRadlett · 12/06/2022 20:03

I wouldn't have children with a father who hadn't fought tooth and nail to stay in contact with his own existing children.

A 7 year old can't decide they don't want to see their parent any more, let alone a 2 year old. Something wrong here.

This

They'd have been 7 and 5 and younger. His story is bs

layladomino · 13/06/2022 19:35

I couldn't date a man who wasn't in touch with his children, let along get serious and contemplate having children with him. Plus he's lied to you - the reason he's given is utter rubbish. He gave up on his children so very easily. I simply couldn't respect him. What makes you think your child would be any different? He's shown you that he sees children as something disposable. He's shown you he doesn't want to be a father because he is currently opting out of being one to his 4 children.

So you would be landing your child with a deadbeat dad. And yourself with the high chance of becoming a single parent.