DH doesn’t want children. Is he just scared?

[Rhodora]

I am wife number two and I have been with DH for six years. DH and his ex wife were separated when we met and their divorce was finalised almost a year to the day after we first met. He was not innocent in the split but there were faults on both sides and in the end life got in the way and neither focused enough on each other. DH lost his job when the bottom fell out the housing market and so he took a job as an HGV driver to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and the bills paid. This sadly meant working away a lot and leaving her for days on end with the children.

DH has four children with his ex wife who were 5, 4, 2 and 5 months when they first separated. He saw his children every weekend after they separated. Around 20 months after we met and 22 months after they separated his children told him they didn’t want to see him anymore. He hasn’t seen them since but still pays for them and sends money and cards for birthdays and Christmas.

On our third date I told him one day I wanted to be a mother. I made it clear l wasn’t planning on telling him he was father nine months down the line but equally I was 31 and didn’t want to get to a point in the relationship where we decided on a future together and find we were worlds apart on that point. He said he wasn’t against being a father again.

Fast forward to now and he is working in construction again. He goes from looking at what private school (public school in England) we would send our child to, to talking about fostering or adoption to then saying he doesn’t want children. I think he’s scared of being hurt again but he seems to forget that I have seen the damage to a child when parents split acrimoniously in my mother. Because of this I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever stop him seeing our child even if our relationship failed. Is DH just scared?

No idea if your DH is scared, but I would be very scared of having children with a man who has no contact with his four very young children.

So. Your dh allowed his children - then aged aged 7 to 2.5 - to make the call that they wouldn't see him? Then stuck to that stupidity for 5 years, never trying to fight to see his dc and build a relationship.

He is a v poor father. One with FOUR dc that he has effectively abandoned. That is on him and no one else.

And you want to add dc #5 to this?

Leave him. Go find a man who will be a proper father to your dc. The man you have now is stringing you along. He has no honesty or loyalty to his own babies, why do you think he wouldn't lie to keep you hanging on?

An onslaught that meant to say. I know people feel strongly but stay cool.

OP I can only agree with the rest in sentiment. Four kids already…can understand why he wouldn’t want another as a basic. On top of that you’ve got the fact that he has walked away and left the ones he does have, behind. By choice.

I don’t think he’s scared, no. I think he’s feckless. I don’t imagine he really wants another kid or to foster or any of that…I think he just opens his mouth and lets his belly rumble.
He wouldn’t be a good dad in any case.

And yer you'd bring a child into that shit show OP?

Honestly at those ages kids often just miss the other parent and are pining away to see them. 2yr olds don’t decide they can’t be arsed with dad. Yeah they cry when they see their parents because they have big feelings. How many times on mumsnet have you seen women saying “how do I explain to my lovely DC that their dad can’t be arsed, they keep waiting for the useless wanker to show up and it’s breaking my heart”. I can pretty much guarantee thats your DH kids.

We don’t get to ditch our kids because they aren’t behaving in the way we want them to. Can you imagine if a woman said, I just refuse to take my kid if they are screaming 🙄.

think you are well suited, both as stupid as each other.

He's not dad material OP and he's pretty ignorant about ADHD.

OP
When you say your husband 'wasn't innocent' in his marriage breakdown- are you saying he was unfaithful?

I truly think all people evolve as they go along, but he has had years of sustained absence in his children's lives.
Does he at least try and talk to them? Does he pay more than he should, or the bare minimum?

This is all very worrying.

Why would you pick a man who utterly failed 4 children in every way to be the dad for your child? That's absolute insanity.

@Rhodora I think it's easy when you're in love and driven by your future dreams to block out the clear truths in front of you but you really need to get your head out the clouds.

This man is a dreadful father.

I had to double check the ages of the children because when you talked about 'choosing not to see him' I thought you were describing teens not primary aged with two under 5s!!!

You haven't (yet) become a mother and you'll not have a clear understanding of what children need and how they react (understandable) but believe you and me if you had, you'd be absolutely aghast at this man's behaviour.

He has completely abandoned the mother of his four children to raise them alone. He is a special kind of a'hole and all the boo boo eyes in the world and deep sighs he probably does do not escape him of this fact.

You deserve better, your future children deserve better. Please take the comments here seriously, go away and process them.

'He would pay for his four children to go to private school if his ex wife wanted them to.'

And I'm sure this has been said but what children need is their parents love, support and constant presence.

Not a posh school.

If you are genuinely seeing this as a sign of a good father you have some unpicking to do. Sorry.

I hope you realise this is bullshit. Please don't have a child with somebody that doesn't give a shit about the four children he already has

There is so much wrong with this.

I assume the first marriage had infidelity or other misdemeanours in it. Not good.

I don't believe the children withdrew their consent to see their father. Until their teens, children see their parents as gods. I think either Wife 1 or the OP's H decided that relationship couldn't or wouldn't continue. I think OP is being lied to.

If the H didn't want to stop seeing his children, he would have fought tooth and nail for them. If he didn't even try to get legal advice, I suspect he never wanted them in the first place, and his exW wanted them. Big red flag. 🚩

Or, he did want them, but couldn't be arsed to fight for them. Another big red flag. 🚩

Babies cry, scream, and don't do the things you want them to. They are hard work. Maybe the H wasn't up to it? Was unable to co-parent? Found it easier to quit?

So OP can either give up any ideas of having children and live with this man, or she can have a baby with him and he repeats his behaviour, or she divorces him and finds another man who is honest not only with her but with himself. I'd go for option 3.

So he can't see his 4 kids as his wife won't let him. Unless he's an abusive dad this is bullshit, trust me with 4 kids you wouldn't give up on that extra parental support and do it all yourself with no break for no reason.

Also he's trying to tell you he's offered to pay 100k to send all 4 to private school but for some unfathomable reason his ex wife is against that too!

Honestly, go have a coffee with the ex, find out what happened then move on and get cracking if you want your own kids. He's waiting until it's too late for you and at 37 the clocks ticking. I started trying for my first at 36 and it took 5 years.

Also don't just think oh we'll adopt or foster, they wouldn't hand over kids to a deadbeat dad who for no reason doesn't see his existing kids.

You've been had op.

How can you not see that?

He is a fantasist.

Your choice to squander your childbearing years on him but you'd be mad.

Back up a minute. This man left his wife with four kids when the youngest was five months old? And moved on to a new LTR two months later? And now has nothing to do with the four children whatsoever? Does he pay maintenance, OP?

Maybe he's heartbroken about his kids telling him they don't want to see him anymore. That would break anyones heart.

As PP said, I wouldn't be in a rush to have children with him based on how he has treated the four he already has.

Their mother can't stop him from seeing them - legally, he is entitled to. He could have fought for that if he wanted to but instead he has pretty much left them without a dad.

I would not expect him to treat any future children any differently.

Come off it. At the age they were, this is obviously due to their mother poisoning their minds against him.

If he were actually around/ making an effort to see them then he would be able to change this in an instant.

Yep @MayMi, that just turned two year old had all the information and really hurt a grown man to the point where he was completely justified in abandoning his 4 children.

I'm calling BS on this - were you the OW OP? Or was there genuinely a two month gap between his relationship with EW and you?

That's what I thought! I mean if it was a 14/15 year old then I could understand, but kids under 10? They don't have an option. You fight for your kids.

Why on earth would you want a child with a man who already has four children?

To paraphrase Bobby Singer - Kids are supposed to eat your food and break your heart, doesn’t mean you get to be a selfish dick.

To answer your question OP.
No he is not just scared. He is just a shit Dad.

And he will be as shit a dad to any future children you may have.