DH doesn’t want children. Is he just scared?

[Rhodora]

I am wife number two and I have been with DH for six years. DH and his ex wife were separated when we met and their divorce was finalised almost a year to the day after we first met. He was not innocent in the split but there were faults on both sides and in the end life got in the way and neither focused enough on each other. DH lost his job when the bottom fell out the housing market and so he took a job as an HGV driver to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and the bills paid. This sadly meant working away a lot and leaving her for days on end with the children.

DH has four children with his ex wife who were 5, 4, 2 and 5 months when they first separated. He saw his children every weekend after they separated. Around 20 months after we met and 22 months after they separated his children told him they didn’t want to see him anymore. He hasn’t seen them since but still pays for them and sends money and cards for birthdays and Christmas.

On our third date I told him one day I wanted to be a mother. I made it clear l wasn’t planning on telling him he was father nine months down the line but equally I was 31 and didn’t want to get to a point in the relationship where we decided on a future together and find we were worlds apart on that point. He said he wasn’t against being a father again.

Fast forward to now and he is working in construction again. He goes from looking at what private school (public school in England) we would send our child to, to talking about fostering or adoption to then saying he doesn’t want children. I think he’s scared of being hurt again but he seems to forget that I have seen the damage to a child when parents split acrimoniously in my mother. Because of this I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever stop him seeing our child even if our relationship failed. Is DH just scared?

What about you? Would you be willing to raise a child alone? His lack of commitment now may well play out. Or do you only want a child as part of a very secure couple with clear shared goals? You may want to start again sharpish if the later.

This is all ludicrous and irrelevant. He still should have fought for contact, even if that was in a contact centre and minimal- then worked from there.

If you genuinely believe that he should have fought harder, you’d be telling him to stop feeding you lines about what fancy school you’re going to send your imaginary child to- and tell him to use the money he’s earning now to take his ex to court.

i doubt you will though

His child isn't old enough to have ever had smarties with E numbers in them.

He's a deadbeat father. He has 4 children and hasn't seen any of them for years. The two youngest won't ever have had a choice in not seeing him. They won't remember him. That's shocking.

I can't comprehend how you can be married to such a man, let alone want children with him.

You know, it's one thing to have a child with someone who unfortunately turns out to be a shit dad. It's quite another to have one with someone who you already know is a shit dad.

Were the children quadruplets? Only born at intervals? That's really rare but possible and makes them 72% more likely to develop Severe Hedonistic Irn-bru Toxicity making them tell their male parent to eff off. It can develop as young as 2 years 3 months old and is incurable sorry.

He would pay for his four children to go to private school if his ex wife wanted them to.

You decided to marry a man who is very palpably the epitome of a shit dad.
If you do indeed want a child, what on earth were you thinking?
He clearly hates fatherhood.
Don't get pregnant unless you want to bring into the world the fifth kid he abandons.

Rule number one of having kids:

1. don’t have them with a deadbeat dad

He can’t deal with screaming children

you know babies scream?
So he has told you he is going to walk away from your baby when it cries

honestly run to the hills, this guy is beyond a loser

and yeah right he has enough cash to spend £80k+ a year on private school fees

You'd be stark raving mad to have a child with a man who abandoned four others. How is that an attractive trait as a partner or father? Do you like the idea of being a single parent, because thats what you will be.

Sounds like he has fed you a load of bullshit about 'the crazy ex' to justify being an awful, neglectful father. What a cunt.

Construction pays for four kids to go to private school? Jesus.

In any case, it makes perfect sense he doesn't want more kids - he already has four. I wouldnt want anymore kids if I had four already. He must be absolutely in pieces that he can't see his children, I mean that would ruin your life. Heartbreaking. I wouldn't even contemplate having another child if my existing children had been taken from me.

He's abandoned four children already. They are all still young, if he's planning on giving fatherhood another go then surely he should start with one of his four existing young children?

Run away as fast as you can - you deserve better

Hey girl I want to give some friendly advice.
I would definitely consider the pro’s and con’s of bringing another child into the world with him. But do you know what.. if YOU want a child go out and get it girl. One thing this century has taught us is that we don’t need men to be parents! We only have one life so put yourself first!!

Some very harsh words here OP, I hope you are okay with the way it’s being addressed…. you obviously love this man but I am sorry, I do agree with the points raised above. This man isn’t father material. There are many wonderful men out there and you’re still young. ♥️

Right so his children aged 5 and below sat him down and said they didn't want to see him any more? And he just accepted that?

Sorry but he isn't a catch so don't convince yourself he is @Rhodora

DH has four children with his ex wife who were 5, 4, 2 and 5 months when they first separated. He saw his children every weekend after they separated. Around 20 months after we met and 22 months after they separated his children told him they didn’t want to see him anymore.

22 months after he separated his children will have been 7, 6, 4 and 2!

And he just accepted not seeing them? They weren't exactly adults making an informed, thought out decision.

Personally I wouldn’t want to add any more children to the mix, if he can walk away from 4 without a fight then he can do it again.

however I do think he should have been honest with you from the start,

This man will not willingly have a child with you.

Can I ask what you really make of his story about stopping any relationship with his existing children?

You want children. You must know something about what it would feel like to be a mother. Can you imagine any circumstances where you’d let your very young child or can’t say they didn’t want to see you and accept it and never see them again? Have you tried to imagine what actually happened? What would keep you away from your own flesh and blood?

Four people are out there in the world, parts of your husband, and I doubt he knows what they look like. They’re walking around knowing their dad didn’t want to know them.

Why do you want children with him?

So you want to have a child with a man who already has 4 and has, in essence, abandoned them?

Oh ffs. What a load of shite. Abandoned the children he has and you’re desperate to have more with him. Christ on a bike.

He didn't try to see his children. He walked away because it was the easier option. He's telling you he doesn't want to try to be a dad. Believe him. His actions are clearly that of a man who doesn't want to be a parent. He doesn't care about his own children, why would he be any different with one with you?

Totally this.