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Original poster

How would you deal with this?

55 replies

Myrubbishlife · 12/06/2022 12:18

My partner drinks a lot. Always has done, ever since I met him - although when I think back, I would swear that it's crept up from a bottle of wine on a Friday and Saturday to his current level of two bottles of 13.5% red wine (he won't drink anything with less alcohol) and a couple of bottles or cans of beer every Friday and Saturday.

I say every Friday and Saturday but it often extends to Sunday too and then sometimes midweek as well.

During school holidays, it's every day.

I don't think he's addicted as he CAN stop (he does occasionally go for 5 days without drinking, when I nag him enough) and he doesn't get hangovers, seem shaky or distracted and is able to get up at 7am and go to work the next day (first bottle of wine opened at 6.30-7pm and he finishes drinking at 10pm).

So, he drank every day over half term, then this last week did Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. Last night he mentioned a BBQ for today and I said that was fine, but not if it involved drinking. His reply was "I don't really want a barbecue without a beer". A heated discussion followed about his drinking and the fact that after drinking all week last week and doing three days this week, he still can't go tomorrow without another drink. He denied that just saying he would fancy a beer with the BBQ and we just went round in circles until I gave up and decided we would have chili instead.

This morning he announced he was thinking of "just having the BBQ anyway". I expressed how upsetting it was to hear that after the discussion yesterday and he said he would have the BBQ without drinking.

Then - and I have no idea why but this always happens - I said that as he had 2 beers in the fridge anyway maybe he could drink today as long as he went Mon-Thurs next week without drinking.

He went to the shop, came back with 2 beers and 2 bottles of wine.

So now I feel like crap again. I dont understand why when he says he won't drink I always say something along the lines of "ok maybe one more day won't hurt". I think deep down it's because I know he doesn't want to stop and he'll be bored and sad if he doesn't drink.

After he came back from the shop, I said how uncomfortable I was with it all, how I felt that he had somehow manipulated me into agreeing to let him drink and that he knew that if he started hinting about a BBQ I would end up 'allowing' him to drink.

He says he won't drink it and can put it in the cupboard, he also says I give mixed signals all the time about the drinking and he's confused.

From my point of view, I don't want him to drink at all. Our bedroom is downstairs so that's where he drinks and whether it's due to lack of ventilation or not I don't know, but the bedroom absolutely reeks of a strong alcohol smell that lingers all night and to the next morning. The hallway downstairs and up the stairs also smells strongly of alcohol, from about ten mins after he's opened the first bottle.

So. I suppose what I want to know is how much of a deal breaker this level of drinking is - bearing in mind he has always been a heavy drinker would I be unreasonable to say now that I want him to cut down or stop?

And which would it be - do I ask him to stop altogether or cut down to the Friday and Saturday then go from there?

I don't even know if he wants to stay in the relationship for me, or because it's 'easy' (I pay all the bills as I don't work due to illness, so all bills come out of our universal credit and he chips in for food a few times a week).

He pays for all the alcohol himself by the way, so it's not affecting me or the family in that way.

So yeah, what would you do if you were me?

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 12/06/2022 12:21

Leave. He's an alcoholic, albeit a functioning one. It will only get worse.
I've seen it happen to so many people I know over the years.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/06/2022 12:23

Do you have children together? Why isn't he contributing to household bills?

He is drinking alcoholically. It doesn't matter if he can go a few days without drinking (although I suspect he's drinking on those days as well, when you're not looking.) Alcoholism isn't just about being physically addicted, it's a pattern of behaviour.

His response to the BBQ discussion is typical.

HollowTalk · 12/06/2022 12:24

Hang on a minute, do you pay for everything? What's this money that he has than that he can spend on alcohol? He must be spending quite a bit. If you are on universal credit how can he afford it?

Original poster
Myrubbishlife · 12/06/2022 12:48

HollowTalk · 12/06/2022 12:24

Hang on a minute, do you pay for everything? What's this money that he has than that he can spend on alcohol? He must be spending quite a bit. If you are on universal credit how can he afford it?

Yes, I pay all bills, food, birthdays, Christmas, days out etc from the universal credit (joint claim) and my disability benefit/child benefit.

He is self employed but work is seasonal - it's peak season at the moment and he's earning around £500 a week which means £180 is taken out of the UC for his earnings.

He pays for food once or twice a week (we tend to shop daily) and as I said, buys his own alcohol and random 'treats' for me or my children and this does cause issues with me feeling he should contribute half towards bills, but he just says he buys food "quite often" and that the government pay for the bills, I don't earn the money myself so why should he contribute his earnings that he has worked for, when the government can pay :(

OP posts:
VintageVest · 12/06/2022 12:51

He has absolutely got a drinking problem and it would be a deal breaker for me. I'd insist he seeks help or moves out and stop bloody stinking up your bedroom, that's grim.

ForeverFleur · 12/06/2022 12:54

Wow a prince among men. And you’ve invited him into your children’s home?

CockSpadget · 12/06/2022 12:58

He's an alcoholic. End of. Are you happy for your children to live in this environment?

Crimeismymiddlename · 12/06/2022 12:59

I can not fathom why you have let this go on for so long. This relationship has two very big problems. The first being that your partner is a functional-and not really that functional if he is working only seasonally alcoholic, he will soon be none functional. The reason your room smells so badly of alcohol is that it is coming out of his pours, the reason he does not get hangovers is because his body is so used to being abused, that and he probably has hair of the dog.
The second problem is that he is cocklodger. He won’t pay his share of the bills and thinks it is the government responsibility.
I would always advise people to chuck someone out over these major issues.

KettrickenSmiled · 12/06/2022 13:25

Everything @Crimeismymiddlename says.

He pays for food once or twice a week (we tend to shop daily) and as I said, buys his own alcohol and random 'treats' for me or my children and this does cause issues with me feeling he should contribute half towards bills, but he just says he buys food "quite often" and that the government pay for the bills, I don't earn the money myself so why should he contribute his earnings that he has worked for, when the government can pay :(

He is financially abusing you OP, & 'justifying' it by presenting the money you need for your DC because you are unable to work isn't really 'yours' or 'deserved' - so you should use it to prop him up. He is spending thousands a year on booze - over £3k just on the drink you now about, although I would bet it is more than he lets on. YOUR money is being used to pay all the bills, while HIS money goes on alcohol. So when you say "He pays for all the alcohol himself by the way, so it's not affecting me or the family in that way."? - you are minimising, & being just as much in denial as he is.
That jibe about your money is so nasty, so low, & so manipulative.
Can you see that now?

So now I feel like crap again. I dont understand why when he says he won't drink I always say something along the lines of "ok maybe one more day won't hurt".
Living with an alcoholic is confusing.
Find information, advice & support here - www.al-anonuk.org.uk/is-al-anon-for-you/

And which would it be - do I ask him to stop altogether or cut down to the Friday and Saturday then go from there?
You can tell him to stop.
It may even work for a day or 2, or a weekend or 2 (although he will punish you, or demand endless praise for it, or huff on & on about how marvellous he is to do it "for you").
Then he will return to drinking exactly what he wants to, as usual.

You need to understand the most basic lesson for the partner of a problem drinker:
You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

All that will happen if you try to make him stop drinking is that you will become more & more enmeshed in his disease. Your relationship will soon be about nothing else, & he will pile all the responsibility onto you.
Miserable because he's not drinking? - your fault.
Miserable because he is drinking, & that makes you unhappy? - your fault.

I think you should ask him to move out.
At least you won't keep getting your UC cut, & you'll be saving cocklodger money on utilities & food too.
If you want to keep seeing him, he can visit when he's sober. If he's not sober, he doesn't get to see you.

Neither you, nor your kids, deserve to live the miserable life of pandering to a problem drinker. And think of the joy of being able to relax in your own bedroom without it being infected with the stale boozy sweat stink of the alcoholic.

Rafferty10 · 12/06/2022 13:37

It does not appear to have entered his thick head that 'the Government can pay his share of the bills ' is actually peoples taxes, your friends, families, neighbours....
you are entitled to the benefits as you are unable to work, that is what it is for,
he obviously is perfectly able to work and pay his share.....
He doesn't sound like a catch to me.

Original poster
Myrubbishlife · 12/06/2022 14:46

KettrickenSmiled · 12/06/2022 13:25

Everything @Crimeismymiddlename says.

He pays for food once or twice a week (we tend to shop daily) and as I said, buys his own alcohol and random 'treats' for me or my children and this does cause issues with me feeling he should contribute half towards bills, but he just says he buys food "quite often" and that the government pay for the bills, I don't earn the money myself so why should he contribute his earnings that he has worked for, when the government can pay :(

He is financially abusing you OP, & 'justifying' it by presenting the money you need for your DC because you are unable to work isn't really 'yours' or 'deserved' - so you should use it to prop him up. He is spending thousands a year on booze - over £3k just on the drink you now about, although I would bet it is more than he lets on. YOUR money is being used to pay all the bills, while HIS money goes on alcohol. So when you say "He pays for all the alcohol himself by the way, so it's not affecting me or the family in that way."? - you are minimising, & being just as much in denial as he is.
That jibe about your money is so nasty, so low, & so manipulative.
Can you see that now?

So now I feel like crap again. I dont understand why when he says he won't drink I always say something along the lines of "ok maybe one more day won't hurt".
Living with an alcoholic is confusing.
Find information, advice & support here - www.al-anonuk.org.uk/is-al-anon-for-you/

And which would it be - do I ask him to stop altogether or cut down to the Friday and Saturday then go from there?
You can tell him to stop.
It may even work for a day or 2, or a weekend or 2 (although he will punish you, or demand endless praise for it, or huff on & on about how marvellous he is to do it "for you").
Then he will return to drinking exactly what he wants to, as usual.

You need to understand the most basic lesson for the partner of a problem drinker:
You did not cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

All that will happen if you try to make him stop drinking is that you will become more & more enmeshed in his disease. Your relationship will soon be about nothing else, & he will pile all the responsibility onto you.
Miserable because he's not drinking? - your fault.
Miserable because he is drinking, & that makes you unhappy? - your fault.

I think you should ask him to move out.
At least you won't keep getting your UC cut, & you'll be saving cocklodger money on utilities & food too.
If you want to keep seeing him, he can visit when he's sober. If he's not sober, he doesn't get to see you.

Neither you, nor your kids, deserve to live the miserable life of pandering to a problem drinker. And think of the joy of being able to relax in your own bedroom without it being infected with the stale boozy sweat stink of the alcoholic.

Thank you all.

I think I'm struggling to label him as an alcoholic and when I do, he flits between saying "I just like a drink" and "you're probably right, maybe I am an alcoholic". With occasional "I'll go to the gym and speak to then about my drinking" and then "I don't think I want to give up, "I don't think I CAN give up" and finally actually giving up for a few days, so clearly he can but just doesn't want to.

It's really confusing and I just keep thinking that maybe I'm overreacting, especially when I ask whether he wants to be in this relationship and he answers "when we're laughing and joking and getting along (I'm not nagging him about drinking), I think we're fine but then we argue and it turns out we're not fine".
Then I feel guilty for thinking of leaving, because apparently he's been bobbing along happily enough and I'm going to ruin that :(

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 12/06/2022 14:51

Then I feel guilty for thinking of leaving, because apparently he's been bobbing along happily enough and I'm going to ruin that :(

So what he has told you is that he doesn't care if you are unhappy, he is not going to change his drinking & cocklodging habits, & that you must just put up with it because HE is happy.

What part of separating yourself from this unhealthy dynamic with a man who is using you is making you feel guilty, OP?

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/06/2022 14:52

I just keep thinking that maybe I'm overreacting

Are you kidding me?! You're UNDERreacting. He's an alcoholic AND a` cocklodger. You deserve more. Your kids deserve more.

Stop fooling yourself. You need to face reality. He's an alcoholic. He won't change. He doesn't want to change. Is this the life you want? Thank goodness you're not financially dependent on him. Kick him out or you move out.

KettrickenSmiled · 12/06/2022 15:02

I think I'm struggling to label him as an alcoholic
Many alkies can stop drinking for 5 days.
They are still alkies.

I don't think he's addicted as he CAN stop (he does occasionally go for 5 days without drinking, when I nag him enough) and he doesn't get hangovers, seem shaky or distracted and is able to get up at 7am and go to work the next day (first bottle of wine opened at 6.30-7pm and he finishes drinking at 10pm).
Only a committed boozer - an alcoholic - can drink that much without exhibiting a monstrous hangover.
The drinking pattern above is that of a confirmed alcoholic.
Currently functional, but that may well change. Consumption tends to increase until some kind of life-changing epiphany - like hitting rock bottom - happens.

He's not going to hit rock bottom while you are enabling him.
Sorry to throw that word at you without warning OP - it doesn't mean you are a bad person, it means you are unwittingly supporting him in his addiction. If you weren't housing him & paying all his bills, how would he fund this expensive habit? Would he be able to afford to drink AND support himself like an independent adult?

He is HAPPY with his drinking. He does not want to change - so he will not.
He won't do it for himself, & he certainly won't do it for you or your kids.
Besides - it's not up to YOU to make him stop, & no matter how hard you tried, you wouldn't be able to. Only he can make himself stop.
I suggest that, until he decides he wants to stop, he moves out. Nothing will change while you continue to allow him to drink at yours, & effectively fund his habit for him.

Apologies OP. I know it's hard to read. But YOU cannot change him, so you have to change the way you respond to him. You are worth more than being a facilitator & provider to a cocklodger with a drinking problem. Flowers

junebirthdaygirl · 12/06/2022 15:22

An alcoholic is someone whose drinking is affecting his life, his relationships, his work...
This man is an alcoholic. No way should you have to say don't drink today etc. He has to take responsibility for his own life and he quite obviously is not. Its quite easy for an alcoholic to stay off drink for a few days ..it means nothing. Its just a token move to shut you up.
Maybe looking up Alanon on line would help you.
As for not paying bills!! He is a total tosser as well as a scrounger. Please don't waste any more energy on him.

Original poster
Myrubbishlife · 13/06/2022 10:33

Thank you all.

I know I'm enabling him, I know it sounds pathetic but I just find it so hard to think that he's an alcoholic.

What if he is just a very heavy drinker?

Either way, I know it doesn't matter. If he wasn't either addicted or just completely disrespectful of me then he would stop the drinking as he knows it bothers me.

He's had it with a previous relationship too - she used to drink a lot (he says, before they got together) and then suddenly one day she stopped drinking and wanted him to as well, and when he wouldn't she kicked him out. He says that he can't understand it because she drank a lot in the beginning and then "just because she stopped drinking, she expected me to as well".

He says to me that I knew he was a heavy drinker when I met him and kind of implies that I've no right to nag him about it now because of that :(

So, I just say I want him to move out? Even if we're getting on and there hasn't been a row, I just...end it? I have no idea how to go about this, maybe I should try and get to a meeting if they exist for families of alcoholics.

OP posts:
1VY · 13/06/2022 10:37

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/06/2022 14:52

I just keep thinking that maybe I'm overreacting

Are you kidding me?! You're UNDERreacting. He's an alcoholic AND a` cocklodger. You deserve more. Your kids deserve more.

Stop fooling yourself. You need to face reality. He's an alcoholic. He won't change. He doesn't want to change. Is this the life you want? Thank goodness you're not financially dependent on him. Kick him out or you move out.

This.

1VY · 13/06/2022 10:39

groups for people affected by someone else’s drinking. Please go , they are amazing.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

KettrickenSmiled · 13/06/2022 12:36

Have a look at the Al-Anon links PP have posted.
Then think about whether you want to reach out for & then engage a lot of your life in needing that support - or whether you prefer to simply remove the alcoholic from your life.

So, I just say I want him to move out? Even if we're getting on and there hasn't been a row, I just...end it? I have no idea how to go about this, maybe I should try and get to a meeting if they exist for families of alcoholics.
You are sounding like you need 'permission' to end your relationship.
Especially when you write about his reasoning -
He says to me that I knew he was a heavy drinker when I met him and kind of implies that I've no right to nag him about it now because of that

You know you don't need him to agree with your wish to end it, don't you?
You do not need permission to live your life as you choose, to not want to live with a drunk, or to disengage from an unfulfilling or destructive relationship.

Original poster
Myrubbishlife · 13/06/2022 13:08

I do struggle with the concept of leaving if there isn't a massive reason to.

If he were drinking a lot but I wasn't bothered by it, would it be as much of a problem as it is because I'm bothered by it? If that makes any sense at all.

I'm notoriously indecisive on even the smallest things so big decisions cripple me.

I'll look at the link, thank you to the person they posted that.

OP posts:
Graphista · 13/06/2022 13:44

Here's a reason op - his living with you and your dc means it is far more likely your dc will also develop addiction issues, they are witnessing and victims to his financial and emotional abuse he needs to go!

ElenaSt · 13/06/2022 13:50

Sometimes big drinkers get away with for years then as they get older serious health problems set in.

Do you still want to be with someone in your later years that is ill or dies early be used of their refusal to give up alcohol when they were younger?

Fidgety31 · 13/06/2022 13:57

I don’t think drinking every Friday and Saturday is a problem in itself at all.
there are many other issues with him that you list - but I wouldn’t say drinking twice or even three times a week is heavy drinking

KettrickenSmiled · 13/06/2022 14:05

Fidgety31 · 13/06/2022 13:57

I don’t think drinking every Friday and Saturday is a problem in itself at all.
there are many other issues with him that you list - but I wouldn’t say drinking twice or even three times a week is heavy drinking

You think that regularly drinking over 50 units in 2 days isn't "heavy drinking" @Fidgety31?

WTF?!!

1VY · 13/06/2022 14:10

@Myrubbishlife you could go to Al anon and talk about how you feel about the prospect of leaving him.

There will be people there who are currently living with a drinker as well as those who don’t live together anymore. Some will be co parenting with an ex , some it will be a parent or am adult child who has alcohol problems and they don’t love with them.

It might be hard for you to hear from others about what it was like to live with a parent / step parent who drank too much.

You will find it’s people from all sorts of backgrounds. For some reason everyone thinks it will be all families of homeless people and they are shocked to hear it’s teachers, doctors, accountants, joiners - people with an education and responsible job. Families just like yours.

My friend went even after her mum had died as it helped her process what was probably PTSD and her own grief . It helped her accept that she would never have a good enough mother, her mum would never recover and become the mum she deserved. It’s hard to accept, even when the person is dead. You will still think it’s your fault and you can fix it.

Aalcoholics are great at projecting responsibility, making you think it’s your fault. As well as the worlds best liars and manipulators.