How would you deal with this?

[Myrubbishlife]

My partner drinks a lot. Always has done, ever since I met him - although when I think back, I would swear that it's crept up from a bottle of wine on a Friday and Saturday to his current level of two bottles of 13.5% red wine (he won't drink anything with less alcohol) and a couple of bottles or cans of beer every Friday and Saturday.

I say every Friday and Saturday but it often extends to Sunday too and then sometimes midweek as well.

During school holidays, it's every day.

I don't think he's addicted as he CAN stop (he does occasionally go for 5 days without drinking, when I nag him enough) and he doesn't get hangovers, seem shaky or distracted and is able to get up at 7am and go to work the next day (first bottle of wine opened at 6.30-7pm and he finishes drinking at 10pm).

So, he drank every day over half term, then this last week did Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. Last night he mentioned a BBQ for today and I said that was fine, but not if it involved drinking. His reply was "I don't really want a barbecue without a beer". A heated discussion followed about his drinking and the fact that after drinking all week last week and doing three days this week, he still can't go tomorrow without another drink. He denied that just saying he would fancy a beer with the BBQ and we just went round in circles until I gave up and decided we would have chili instead.

This morning he announced he was thinking of "just having the BBQ anyway". I expressed how upsetting it was to hear that after the discussion yesterday and he said he would have the BBQ without drinking.

Then - and I have no idea why but this always happens - I said that as he had 2 beers in the fridge anyway maybe he could drink today as long as he went Mon-Thurs next week without drinking.

He went to the shop, came back with 2 beers and 2 bottles of wine.

So now I feel like crap again. I dont understand why when he says he won't drink I always say something along the lines of "ok maybe one more day won't hurt". I think deep down it's because I know he doesn't want to stop and he'll be bored and sad if he doesn't drink.

After he came back from the shop, I said how uncomfortable I was with it all, how I felt that he had somehow manipulated me into agreeing to let him drink and that he knew that if he started hinting about a BBQ I would end up 'allowing' him to drink.

He says he won't drink it and can put it in the cupboard, he also says I give mixed signals all the time about the drinking and he's confused.

From my point of view, I don't want him to drink at all. Our bedroom is downstairs so that's where he drinks and whether it's due to lack of ventilation or not I don't know, but the bedroom absolutely reeks of a strong alcohol smell that lingers all night and to the next morning. The hallway downstairs and up the stairs also smells strongly of alcohol, from about ten mins after he's opened the first bottle.

So. I suppose what I want to know is how much of a deal breaker this level of drinking is - bearing in mind he has always been a heavy drinker would I be unreasonable to say now that I want him to cut down or stop?

And which would it be - do I ask him to stop altogether or cut down to the Friday and Saturday then go from there?

I don't even know if he wants to stay in the relationship for me, or because it's 'easy' (I pay all the bills as I don't work due to illness, so all bills come out of our universal credit and he chips in for food a few times a week).

He pays for all the alcohol himself by the way, so it's not affecting me or the family in that way.

So yeah, what would you do if you were me?

Yes, I would say this is true.

Talking to him sometimes is like talking to one of my teenagers - anything I say that could be construed as a criticism (anything from tiny things to bigger issues) is always met by a reason or excuse for the behaviour or him just saying "that's not true". He never accepts what I say in that respect. No apologies or accepting of responsibility etc.

He's clearly damaged in some way but he seems very similar to my autistic DS in his behaviours - my partner comes across as quite monotone, blank faced, he obviously does get happy or sad but he's quite hard to read at times. He doesn't seem to hold doors for people (sometimes he does but a lot of the time it's like he's in his own world and doesn't notice that he should do it), he will walk straight past an older person going into a shop and not let them into the shop first (explained that badly but hopefully you'll understand what I mean) and quite often I see the person in question look at him like he's been rude, mention it to him and he looks shocked like he hadn't even noticed.

So it could be the drinking is part of that, I just don't know.

Talking to him sometimes is like talking to one of my teenagers - anything I say that could be construed as a criticism (anything from tiny things to bigger issues) is always met by a reason or excuse for the behaviour or him just saying "that's not true". He never accepts what I say in that respect. No apologies or accepting of responsibility etc.

In your last couple of updates you were quite focused on whether he can be labelled an alcoholic or not, & even grasping at straws like "he didn't go & get more booze" "he left a tumbler of wine" "he didn't mind that I had half a glass from his bottle" as if these are somehow proof that he is "just" a heavy drinker.

It's not proof, & I still think you need to get some support from Al-Anon.
He is clearly a problem drinker, but what do the semantics matter?
His behaviour is bringing you down so much that you chose 'myrubbishlife' as your name change!

The waste of money, the refusal to take responsibility, the bullshitting, the doing exactly what he wants without taking your wishes into account ... yes, alcohol contributes to these behaviours, but at core, he is a cocklodger who expects you to fund him out of the UC & benefits you need for your DC, regularly costs you £180 deprivation from the UC, but does not 'pay back' that missing money by contributing to bills. In fact, he seems all he pays for is food 2 days out of 7, occasional treats for the DC ... & of course, his booze.

All of that is not going to change, whether you dedicate your life & sanity to policing his alcohol intake or not.
Alcohol didn't make him a rude, selfish sponger. It will exacerbate the less pleasant traits, but this is who he is.
Why are you tolerating his lack of respect, & why are you continuing to house & fund him? What do you feel has gone on with you, that your self-esteem is low enough to put up with this man leeching off you & your children?

Please don't feel criticised OP. None of this is your fault. You just need to wake up to the fact it will not change.
I know how hard this must be to read - I have been where you are, pouring in love & care & concern in a deluded belief that if I just loved him better, worked harder to persuade him to behave more decently, that eventually by some kind of osmosis, my selfish, cocklodging alkie would grow up & become capable of giving a shit about anyone else.
I was a fool, who spent at least 15 years too long with a man who was never going to grow up, let alone become a respectful & contributing life partner.
I'm free now, & he has remarried - & guess what? - he's giving his new wife hell now instead.

TL:DR - stop naively waiting for him to change. He won't, & you & your children deserve to be free of him & his blooodsucking.

OP, it doesn't matter how much someone tells you they're a heavy drinker, living with the reality is another thing.

Fwiw my XH is an alcoholic, note thé 'x'. Took me 40 years to leave. Don't be me.

@newtb add my 15 years to your 40 & that's 55 years wasted by good women on alcoholic men. I wonder how many centuries of women's lives are represented on this thread by all the PP?

OP - don't add any more years to this cumulative total.
You & your children deserve more. And you all will be so much better off financially, without this man sucking you dry & instructing you that YOUR benefits are to be spent on HIM.
The arsehole! It's time for you to get angry & start sticking up for yourself & your DC

Yours, sadly, is not an uncommon story. Let me tell you about my brother in law, a kind and generous man who adored his nieces and nephews. Highly intelligent, very athletic, until he found alcohol.
He spiralled down and down, lived in total squalor with virtually no personal hygiene. He gave away hundreds of pounds (or more) and valuable possessions to ‘friends’ or as we saw, vague acquaintances who took advantage of his drunken state.
Every few months partner and I travelled hundreds of miles to sort him out, clean his home, buy fresh clothes. Eventually we persuaded him to let us handle his Finances in an attempt to stop him being conned so often.
he finally suffered peripheral neuropathy, was wheelchair bound and hospitalised many times with gastro intestinal bleeding - all because of the alcohol. It only ended with his death when he was mid forties. My FILs 83rd birthday was celebrated by a visit from the police to tell him that his son had been found dead after concerned neighbours contacted the authorities who broke into his home. It was difficult to know how long he had lain like that.
your partner will NOT stop drinking. He loves alcohol more than you and your children. Or himself for that matter.