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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just suggested we split up

55 replies

BacksideInParsley · 12/06/2022 01:51

DH is drinking too much... always has.. I said he had to go bed because he's listening to crap 80s music (nostalgia goes with whisky) and he said "maybe we should split up". I my heart I know he doesn't want to but I also know he loves whisky more., 5 bottles of malt a week ... I'm not coping

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2022 01:56

You are the one who should be saying you want to split up. Why are you living like this?

user1477249785 · 12/06/2022 02:00

Five bottles of malt a week is an absurd amount! What do you want?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2022 02:02

he said "maybe we should split up".

You should. I'm so sorry.

Topseyt123 · 12/06/2022 02:08

I couldn't live with someone who drank 5 bottles of malt whiskey each week.

He has a serious drink problem. I bet he behaves like an arse regularly because he will be drunk a lot of the time.

KalvinPhillips23 · 12/06/2022 02:08

I would say perhaps you are right, use that fire in your belly and run for the hills..

mackthepony · 12/06/2022 02:10

What everyone else said. Five a week?

Original poster
BacksideInParsley · 12/06/2022 02:11

I know. I've been in denial for our whole relationship. God it's shit. I can't believe it's got to the stage of "I choose the drink". I really thought it wouldn't get that bad. I need to stop drinking too. Endless wine in the house.... I've had enough of being drunk. I messaged my dad tonight and told him. I feel like taking time off work.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2022 02:19

You need to start a thread sober and seek help. Chances are if you're drinking heavily you're using his clear alcoholism to cover up your worry about your own use. The amount of people we had come in for the family days at treatment and end up finding out they had an issue... it's common. Codependency is a thing.

All the best OP. I hope you don't wake up tomorrow and rethink.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 12/06/2022 02:22

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2022 02:19

You need to start a thread sober and seek help. Chances are if you're drinking heavily you're using his clear alcoholism to cover up your worry about your own use. The amount of people we had come in for the family days at treatment and end up finding out they had an issue... it's common. Codependency is a thing.

All the best OP. I hope you don't wake up tomorrow and rethink.

I agree with this.

Original poster
BacksideInParsley · 12/06/2022 02:24

You're right @MrsTerryPratchett. I am co dependent. Admitting this odd going to end everything,

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2022 02:30

Admitting this odd going to end everything,

You can seek help and get sober. Get some sleep now and call in the morning.

KangFang · 12/06/2022 02:44

The trash is taking itself out.
I would be divorcing the alkie.
Yes you are co-dependent.
Been there done that.

Nat6999 · 12/06/2022 02:59

He is an alcoholic, he is drinking 200 units of alcohol a week. He puts drink before you & any other obligations he has. Never mind him saying you should split up, you should be telling him that is what is happening. Get all the financial information you can, bank statements, wage slips etc, make sure you have a bank account of your own, if you have a joint account don't be surprised if he has been spending more than you think on alcohol, you can bet what you know is just the tip of the iceberg.

kateandme · 12/06/2022 03:18

Ok your up at this time.ita not a time to be rationale.get some sleep then work out how to leave.and how to get help yourself.you don't need to live like this.it needs a huge step into the unknown and scary spaces.but you have to.

Kennykenkencat · 12/06/2022 03:32

Drinking that much is he going to live through the divorce.

I have known a few couples like yourself and your Dh.
Are you trying to hold on to something that isn’t there.
If you take the alcohol away is there a relationship or does everything revolve around drinking.
For the couples I knew it was the booze that kept them together or rather the soporific effect of the alcohol that kept them in a relationship that ran aground years before. They were never sober for long enough to take that fact on board.
Every plan revolved around drinking
It was far easier to have another drink and think about leaving another day.

Once one of them sobered up the marriage was doomed.

You need a new life. If you want to get sober then being around Dh is not going to work.
You think you are doing better than Dh as at least you don’t drink 5 bottles of whiskey each week.

Stop using someone else’s capacity to drink as a barometer

Ilady · 12/06/2022 04:27

You know that this so called marriage is over due to your husbands drinking.
My advice is to get all your financial details together including pension details and get legal advice about a divorce.
The reality is that he is drinking 5 bottles of malt whisky a week. He is a drunk and he is putting his drinking first. Your not coping with his drinking.

You have realised that you have a problem with alcohol and being honest it can be hard to admit this. I go to your doctor tell them that you have been drinking heavily and that you want to get off it. Get them to check up on your health and do blood tests. They can advise you about giving up alcohol and possibly give you drugs to help with this. Long term heavy drinking can cause so many health issues and its good you have realised that you need help.

Trifecta · 12/06/2022 05:46

He’s drinking a tremendous amount of liquor and spending a fortune, too. This won’t have a happy ending.

Ohthatsexciting · 12/06/2022 06:30

Do you have any children op?

Darbs76 · 12/06/2022 06:44

Sounds like giving up alcohol could be something you do together to try and save the marriage. But also for health reasons. 5 bottles of whiskey a week is definitely someone with a huge drinking problem.

Fraaahnces · 12/06/2022 06:59

Well, you are going to make choices for your own physical and mental health. This is great! You will also be financially better off without alcohol. Part of this process will involve really evaluating your relationship with DH through sober eyes and an in-depth examination of the reasons YOU drink. It could be to blind yourself to the holes in your relationship, or you might have been drinking to keep up with DH or have something in common with him.
Marriages grow together or they grow apart. In this case, your DH’s relationship with alcohol is akin to that of a mistress - you wonder why you are not good enough for him to choose you. You are going to have to separate your identity to exclude him and alcohol to see yourself as whole and separate your reasons for drinking from his.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/06/2022 07:11

Darbs76 · 12/06/2022 06:44

Sounds like giving up alcohol could be something you do together to try and save the marriage. But also for health reasons. 5 bottles of whiskey a week is definitely someone with a huge drinking problem.

OP may be able to just give up. But it sounds like he would need proper medical detox. You can't just give up several bottles of whiskey a week. It could kill him.

LAMPS1 · 12/06/2022 07:28

You will need herculean resolve and effort to leave this toxic relationship. But he has given you permission now to be free. I’d be grateful and seize the day. Free yourself from him so that you can free yourself from alcohol. Get your life straight. Maybe he will also then get help if it’s not too late and if he has your good example in front of him.
I know a couple who lived like this for a decade or more, successful working lives but drunk every night and weekend. She at least tried to ease up her consumption. He couldn’t/wouldn’t…wasn’t hurting anybody, could do what he liked in his own home etc etc. So easy when you are drunk to block out the financial and health and family implications of alcoholism. His doctors warned him repeatedly. But inevitably, he keeled over one morning in the kitchen and that was it. That’s how he left her and that toxic relationship. No discussion, no forward planning, little warning, none of his life in order, - just dead on the kitchen floor.
I can’t begin to describe the horrific consequences and reality of life she was left to untangle and deal with alone.
Gather all your strength to leave this relationship, while you can.
You have a chance …take it now !

whatwouldsueheckdo · 12/06/2022 07:51

Sounds like he’s offering you a gift of a fresh start and turning things around. Please op seek some professional advise and support and grab this opportunity. Honestly, you can do it.

theansweris42 · 12/06/2022 07:53

Hi OP, I could have written your post.
We had a lot of conversations about drinking. Like you I drank too much wine but nothing compared to his intake.

When I said I was very seriously considering our future, and that drinking would finish us, he rang a sober friend to talk.

The friend came and took DH to and AA meeting the same day. It was amazing really, the support.

Anyway he went to meetings (not everyday) and reduced the intake. After about 2 weeks he stopped and is now on day 70 sober.

He's not religious, a big sceptic. He says the meetings are all about mutual support, that's it

His health conditions have improved (no longer needs blood pressure meds, for example).
He also has therapy weekly through work. This has been key.

He's different. More real. Present. Pensive. Reads in bed with me at night instead of being locked in the lounge with booze and TV.

I have a hugely reduced intake. I had a couple of glasses of wine last night. Won't drink tonight or for a couple of days and it'll be easy (I'd been drinking a bottle everyday for some months) I'd rather stop altogether and am working on it, I have mental health issues and want to feel better.

Take a bit of time to think it over. Then speak to him sober and tell him you need him to consider his drinking and your relationship.

Tell him you think his point may be valid, that if he can't address the boozing then you are likely to split up. And mean it. Not in a strident shouty way but simply, with your own conviction behind it.

You know that you can't stay with him drunk like this. You can't get him to stop. He needs to see that himself.

I feel so glad that DH has stopped. I know all the caveats about relapse etc, but he's taken action. It CAN change.

But, I'd reiterate that you think it all over and decide whether or not you will mean it when you say you think drinking will split you up. And discuss, definitely not as an ultimatum but as a real possibility if the drinking continues.

Good luck to you Flowers

1Wanda1 · 12/06/2022 07:59

How long has he been drinking that amount? If it's been years, he could have serious liver disease by now and may be close to a very unpleasant medical situation.

A close family member of mine was recently in hospital for 2 weeks after having burst oesophageal varices. This caused her to vomit up a massive amount of blood over several hours. She had to have 2 blood transfusions. The investigations in hospital showed she has decompensated cirrhosis (very bad) and related kidney disease. She's been drinking a litre of spirits a day for 10 years. She's been told by the doctors that if she drinks again, she will die. I don't know if that will stop her.