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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just suggested we split up

55 replies

BacksideInParsley · 12/06/2022 01:51

DH is drinking too much... always has.. I said he had to go bed because he's listening to crap 80s music (nostalgia goes with whisky) and he said "maybe we should split up". I my heart I know he doesn't want to but I also know he loves whisky more., 5 bottles of malt a week ... I'm not coping

OP posts:
ancientgran · 12/06/2022 08:13

I left my first husband because of his drinking. It was hard because everyone loved him, such a nice man, always so happy and having fun. Of course it was different when he got home, then he slept and woke up grumpy. The children hardly saw him between work and the pub. I told him I couldn't stay and watch him kill himself, unfortunately my adult kids did watch it and they tried till he went into the hospice to die but he always chose the drink.

If I could live my life again I don't know if I'd marry him, I wouldn't want to be without my kids but if I did marry him I wouldn't stick around for 14 years to watch him destroy himself.

I'm so sorry you are going through it and it must be hard if you drink as well. If he won't address it you can't make him. You know what you need to do.

siucra · 12/06/2022 08:13

Let him go. Move on. Don’t suffer living with an alcoholic any longer. He will destroy you otherwise.

Neverendingmindfuck · 12/06/2022 08:26

You can only make choices for you.
I would encourage you to seek help for your own alcohol intake and counselling to look at your marriage with fresh eyes.
You may find life with your husband becomes intolerable if you are sober.
Do you have children?
You need clarity to be able to separate your finances etc if you split at this point.
Two dependents are likely to not agree when it comes to splitting house/money/chattels etc.
Be strong now you have been brave enough to admit there's a problem. Seek help. Keep talking.
There is an alcohol forum on here that can offer you support too. 💐💐💐

layladomino · 12/06/2022 08:37

It's really sad I know, but once someone is in the grip of addiction like he is, that's what matters the most.

If he was desperate to give up, and was seeking lots of help, then he could give up. Unfortunately the odds are stacked against that happening, especially if he isn't showing any sign of wanting to give up. Remember - you can't make him give up or reduce his drinking. He has to want it himself and to be the main driver.

You've acknowledged that you drink too much as well. Well done. First step - you've acknowledged it. With help you can give up and have a happier, healthier life. I don't think you will be able to give up while you are with your husband though. That would be too much of a challenge. I know how hard it is to live with an addict. You need space to get your own life straight.

At the moment it looks like both your lives might be ruined by alcohol. I beg you to get clear and get yourself healthy. You'll see things more clearly then. There's even a chance you will inspire him to stop, if he sees what you've accomplished. But that isn't your responsibility.

babyjellyfish · 12/06/2022 08:42

Your husband is an alcoholic who is going to drink himself to death if he doesn't get help. You also have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. You both need to get and stay sober, but it doesn't sound as if either of you is in a position to support the other with that.

Letsbekindplease · 12/06/2022 08:42

Sorry to read this. I think you know deep down what to do. One of my neighbours hubby passed away a few months ago, he was a big drinker. She wanted to leave him for so long but couldn’t. When he passed it was obv very sad because he was an addict, but I’ve never seen her happier. She looks like a weight has been lifted from her. So healthy and glowing.
mid he’s not going to help himself then what does he expect you to do? You can’t be miserable forever.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 12/06/2022 08:47

you are both alcoholics? If so then you need to talk sober to one another and seek help.

Loobylye · 12/06/2022 08:50

I've just left someone who was exactly like this, constantly drunk, constantly telling me (every time he was brave with drink) that we should split as he wanted me out of the house, I'd come home from work at night not knowing if he was drunk and I was going to find my possessions on the doorstep or whether he'd be sober and I'd get some blessed peace. In the end I couldn't live with it any more, took my dog and a few personal possessions and left, it's been a rough few months getting back on my feet but I don't regret it for one minute.

pointythings · 12/06/2022 08:52

This used to be me. I drank too much (about 45 units a week) in part because of how heavily my husband was drinking (120 units that I knew of, more because he was also drinking in secret).

I did a dry January and fully reset my relationship with alcohol - I drink sensibly and enjoy life so much more. He did everything he could to sabotage me and it was the beginning of the end.

Getting out was hard and he died before the divorce came through, but my life since has been so immeasurably better there are no words for it. You can have this too. Your first step should be a month of not drinking at all - if you find that difficult then teetotal is probably the best thing for you. If not, you may well be able to moderate.

Then get your ducks in a row and divorce this man. He has an OW, and it's whisky.

cottagegardenflower · 12/06/2022 09:07

Do you have dependent children? If so do something for their sakes. Get help. See your GP

Pipsquiggle · 12/06/2022 09:12

You can only control what you can control. Sounds like you are on the verge of sorting out your own alcohol dependency - this is really positive and I would encourage you to seek support ASAP - Doctors and addiction charities

Your DH will have to make his own decision.

You need to decide, if he doesn't change and chooses alcohol, do you want to stay in that environment? It doesn't sound great TBH

Fuuuuuckit · 12/06/2022 09:14

user1477249785 · 12/06/2022 02:00

Five bottles of malt a week is an absurd amount! What do you want?

The cheapest single malt at Morrisons I'd £16. That's £80 a week - £4160 a year out of the family budget, just for him to be a morose abusive drunk. Never mind the health effects. I hope nes never behind the wheel of a car, he can't ever be sober enough to drive?

Call his bluff.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 12/06/2022 09:35

Fuuuuuckit · 12/06/2022 09:14

The cheapest single malt at Morrisons I'd £16. That's £80 a week - £4160 a year out of the family budget, just for him to be a morose abusive drunk. Never mind the health effects. I hope nes never behind the wheel of a car, he can't ever be sober enough to drive?

Call his bluff.

Show quote history

Plus all the wine the OP has admitted to drinking. Neither should be near the wheel of a car.

GrazingSheep · 12/06/2022 09:36

Are you parents?

Rabblemum · 12/06/2022 09:39

Leave him to his whisky and nostalgia.

This man loves booze and wallowing so much he's risking horrible diseases to stay in the warm glow of 80s memories and a drunken stupor. His love for alcohol is stronger than his love for anyone.

You can't rescue this man so don't be a victim of him, divorce him. He may stop drinking, he may not ultimately that has nothing to do with you.

Buying his booze, clearing up his sick or nursing his hangover is only making his bubble of sentimentality and vomit more comfortable, this reduces any chance of this alcoholic being slapped into reality.

Make a future without this man, make new friends who will be there for you and make sure your family and wellbeing come first.

MixedCouple · 12/06/2022 09:57

BacksideInParsley · 12/06/2022 02:24

You're right @MrsTerryPratchett. I am co dependent. Admitting this odd going to end everything,

Your so much better. Look you've just come out and told us this.that the first step to healing and having the life you deserve.
Get friends / family as support and make a clean get away. Yes have time off work be with your family and make some plans.
You can do this.

DangerouslyBored · 12/06/2022 09:57

You won’t need to split up. On 5 bottles of malt a week, he’ll be dead soon.

motogirl · 12/06/2022 10:07

He needs to go into rehab, you may need help if your alcohol consumption is over a few units every night. Whether you can do it together is down to him, if he isn't willing he needs to leave - does he have family or friends to encourage him to give up the drink? One bottle a week of whiskey plus wine is a drink problem, 5 is a medical emergency

Onwards22 · 12/06/2022 10:24

I my heart I know he doesn't want to

No one would say this if they didn’t mean it.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and he probably does want to stay with you but he knows you both can’t carry on like this.

No one would drink that amount if they were happy.
It sounds like you both drink to cope with an unhappy life/relationship.

Can one of you move out?

Why not have a 3/6 month break.
Use this time to both focus on yourselves and become better versions of yourselves.
You can get back together once you’re both happy but I think you both need to get out of this rut that you’re stuck in.

MandUs · 12/06/2022 10:28

Are there any children involved in this mess?

Please do not stop drinking alcohol cold turkey if your body is used to big amounts. It can lead to brain damage within days. You both need to go through a proper medicated detox.

Sswhinesthebest · 12/06/2022 10:31

Probably a good idea to follow through!

Greyarea12 · 12/06/2022 10:33

BacksideInParsley · 12/06/2022 02:11

I know. I've been in denial for our whole relationship. God it's shit. I can't believe it's got to the stage of "I choose the drink". I really thought it wouldn't get that bad. I need to stop drinking too. Endless wine in the house.... I've had enough of being drunk. I messaged my dad tonight and told him. I feel like taking time off work.

@BacksideInParsley that's what people with an alcohol addiction do - they choose the drink because their addiction takes over. Please believe me when I say its nothing you have done and its not him choosing alcohol over you - He is addicted and right now alcohol will win over everything & everyone. Most of the time it takes them to hit rock bottom before they start climbing back up and out of their addiction (with professional help) his rock bottom may well be you saying.. you know what, i can't do this anymore. Unless you first recognise that you have an addiction and secondly seek professional help then I'm done - and you need to mean it. I know it's awful to live with but we all have our limits. Don't ever feel guilty for walking away.

Greyarea12 · 12/06/2022 10:38

Greyarea12 · 12/06/2022 10:33

@BacksideInParsley that's what people with an alcohol addiction do - they choose the drink because their addiction takes over. Please believe me when I say its nothing you have done and its not him choosing alcohol over you - He is addicted and right now alcohol will win over everything & everyone. Most of the time it takes them to hit rock bottom before they start climbing back up and out of their addiction (with professional help) his rock bottom may well be you saying.. you know what, i can't do this anymore. Unless you first recognise that you have an addiction and secondly seek professional help then I'm done - and you need to mean it. I know it's awful to live with but we all have our limits. Don't ever feel guilty for walking away.

Show quote history

@BacksideInParsley following on from my previous post I have just realised your also drinking. You both sound very unhappy. You are recognising your problem which is great. Please seek professional help.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/06/2022 10:51

Better to be a divorcee than a widow.

clareangel · 12/06/2022 11:00

just wanted to send you love and support. My dad was a chronic alcoholic and a bully, my mother was never able to leave (1970's/working for pin money/unable to get mortgage or council accomodation etc) it is a horrible situation both to be in and to get out of, it is clearly effecting your MH and PH, really hope you're able to get the support and help you need to leave x