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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunken comment has touched a nerve

77 replies

breakingthebank · 11/06/2022 13:36

At a recent night out with our friends, dh had quite a lot to drink and was reminiscing about his youth. He talked about his partying days between the ages of 18-22 as being the "best time of his life" multiple times.

I feel incredibly hurt by this, as we've been together 20 years and have dcs together. His partying days were before he met me so he's basically saying he preferred his life before we met and had children. He has since apologised, saying he didnt mean it like that but I can't move past it. I feel like he obviously always found our relationship boring and second best.

Dh has a history of making nasty comments when he's had a drink but I think I feel particularly hurt by this because it was just said in conversation so I feel like it's how he really feels. Do you think I'm overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
breakingthebank · 11/06/2022 17:52

Thanks for the comments, this helps me to keep it in proportion. I AM hypersensitive to his behaviour when he's had a drink as he's been so horrible in the past - verbal and occasionally physical abuse, damage to the house to the point that I was offered support from an IDVA. We have managed to move past that and recent years have even fine although I am still very on edge when he drinks and tend not to go out with him if alcohol is involved.

I deliberately didn't include a lot of back story because I wanted views on this particular comment and I see the general consensus is that I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 11/06/2022 17:53

I understand what you mean @breakingthebank, it was a little tactless of him to say that. I would've thought "thanks mate!" 🙄if a partner of mine told me that. He was basically saying that the best time of his life was before he met you, which isn't the most flattering or romantic thing to say to a lover is it. If he had said "my partying days were some of the best days of my life" that would've been different as hopefully he'd then also include some dates you'd been on/your wedding day/childrens' births, for example.

bbqhulahoop · 11/06/2022 17:54

I love DP immensely and love being a mother (most of the time) but it's also hard right now! My student says we're prob best days of my life too but I do look forward to the future when I get less stressful days with my favourite people

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 11/06/2022 17:55

You’re over reacting.

id say too that the best days of my life were when I was younger (for me mid 20s before I met DH).
Lots if reasons for that but the biggest one was that I only had myself to think about so had a freedom I’ve never had since marrying and having dcs…. I think that’s a pov shared by many people. It’s also a pov that forgets the downsides of being free, single, young etc… I craved stability at that time which is why I was more than happy to settled and get married!!

MsTSwift · 11/06/2022 17:57

Don’t think you are over sensitive that’s really mean! It’s basically saying “wow I had such a great time before I met you and we embarked on a life of drudge and boredom”

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 11/06/2022 17:58

Xpost @breakingthebank

I can see why the comment was particularly hurtful to you.
Id also wonder if you really have ‘gone past it’ re his attitude when he is drunk. And whether has actually taken responsibility about his drunken behaviour.

LondonQueen · 11/06/2022 18:06

Massively overreacting.

oopsfellover · 11/06/2022 18:09

The comment itself doesn’t sound that bad, but from your update it sounds as though there’s more going I’m on with regard to his attitude to you

Original poster
breakingthebank · 11/06/2022 18:23

Thanks for understanding @SantiMakesMeLaugh tbh I don't like him when he's drunk. I spent many years dreading the key turning in the lock because I knew he would come in smashing things, calling me abusive names, pissing the bed, he locked me out of the house once and at had to climb a neighbours fence to get in. I will never be able to erase those feelings and memories even though he doesn't drink that much anymore.

But after a period of separation 7 years ago he did really make massive changes, he regrets how he treated me and he was desperate for us not to split up. I guess this comment just made me think that after everything I've put up with from him, why was he so keen for me not to leave him if the best days of his life were when he was single.

OP posts:
Hollipolly · 11/06/2022 18:28

Your DHs comment was not nasty.

I think it's fair enough...a lot of people feel like this.

cushioncovers · 11/06/2022 18:31

Are you happy with him op?

Honeyroar · 11/06/2022 18:33

breakingthebank · 11/06/2022 17:52

Thanks for the comments, this helps me to keep it in proportion. I AM hypersensitive to his behaviour when he's had a drink as he's been so horrible in the past - verbal and occasionally physical abuse, damage to the house to the point that I was offered support from an IDVA. We have managed to move past that and recent years have even fine although I am still very on edge when he drinks and tend not to go out with him if alcohol is involved.

I deliberately didn't include a lot of back story because I wanted views on this particular comment and I see the general consensus is that I'm overreacting.

Well that update completely changes things! What he said pales into insignificance compared to his past behaviour. He’s lucky you took him back. 99% wouldn’t have.

Sunnytwobridges · 11/06/2022 18:39

Like I said in a pp this comment doesn’t mean anything on its own. But when you mentioned he was a nasty drunk and has done things before it makes me think the alcohol makes it easier or an excuse for him to tell you how he really feels. Sounds like he has some resentment built up and he’s taking it out on you

Frazzledmummy123 · 11/06/2022 18:55

TheWayoftheLeaf · 11/06/2022 17:43

He meant the time when everything was easy and he had freedom to be selfish and party and be a young party person. A lot of people remember that with joy and feel it was an exciting part of life - everything was new and exciting and without responsibilities.

I'd let it go. Doesn't mean he wasn't to go back to that.

This pretty much sums up what I was going to say perfectly.

I look back to my old college days full of nights out partying without a care in the world when life was more carefree and with less adult responsibilities with great sentimentality. Under the influence of a few drinks, I might say 'the best days of my life' but I wouldn't mean it literally. It'd just be a figure of speech.

Frazzledmummy123 · 11/06/2022 18:59

I've just read your update and that totally changes it. Put together with his other drunk behaviour, I can see why you'd take that comment as being offensive. He needs to address his drinking or you leave. This can't be a happy relationship.

P00rKids · 11/06/2022 19:05

Are there children involved? Sounds like he resents the commitment or the responsibility somewhere? Maybe he blames you? Which would be totally unfair. No excuse for previous abusive behaviour. So he’s basically a dickhead

notlongtoo · 11/06/2022 19:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 11/06/2022 19:18

Oh @breakingthebank , of course the context changes EVERYTHING.

In a healthy relationship, such comment wouldn’t mean much.

But you’re a DV victim who still lives with her abuser. Of course you’re on edge and hypersensitive.

and he was desperate for us not to split up.

Of course he was, who else would he torment then? Abusers don’t want to split up with their victims, they want to stay with them to do whatever they wish with them.

Quite frankly, he sounds like a piece of shit. I’m sad & angry on your behalf. I hope one day you’ll get enough support to leave him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2022 19:24

I guess this comment just made me think that after everything I've put up with from him, why was he so keen for me not to leave him if the best days of his life were when he was single.

Absolutely. I have a friend who has been in recovery for 20 years. He speaks (even when she's not present) of his wife in such glowing terms because she stood by him. He genuinely gets what she did for him and their children.

Sounds like yours doesn't. However, just do you know, it's OK to leave even though he's made changes. You don't forget and you don't have to forgive.

Inklingpot · 11/06/2022 20:21

Without meaning to be rude, drip feeding that he’s been physically violent and damaged the house in similar situations changes things quite a lot. You’ve set yourself up for everyone to tell you you’re being ridiculous about one comment without actually explaining the context.

Irritating as it is for people to read the drip feed having already posted that on the face of it you appeared to be unreasonable, you are clearly not happy. Why not just explain the whole situation rather than one fairly minor aspect of it to get proper advice?

JackieWeaver101 · 11/06/2022 20:29

OP, your DH talking about his partying days as being the "best time of his life" is the very least of your problems with your DH.

Antares444 · 12/06/2022 14:59

My 20s were carefree, fun, partying with friends and passing my tests at Uni. No other worries in the world. Now I worry constantly about my son, my husband, work… is life worse now? Not at all, just different. Were my 20s the best when it comes to quality? Absolutely. Would I go back? Never.

Antares444 · 12/06/2022 15:02

Sorry OP, I overlooked one of your posts. Had no idea you were a victim of domestic violence. Now I understand the context better, so sorry to hear about that!

Original poster
breakingthebank · 13/06/2022 20:53

Thank you so much for being kind @Lovemypeaceandquiet and @MrsTerryPratchett I haven't gone home after work tonight, I need some space to think about what I want to do next.

You know, when I originally posted I couldn't work out why I felt upset about this. As so many people said, the comment isn't offensive within a healthy relationship. But I've come to realise that my feelings are not just about the comment, this is about him spending years chipping away at me and making me feel like shit. It's so far from the worst thing he's ever said to me that it feels ridiculous really.

OP posts:
Inklingpot · 13/06/2022 21:01

Sometimes it is just that little thing that tips us over the edge @breakingthebank.

I hope you find your happiness and peace.