Feeling controlled

[AllAboutMargot]

I feel like my H is micro managing me.
Some examples, and these aren't one-offs, it's nearly every time I do these things.
I open a cupboard door, he says "what are you after?"
I get dressed, he says "Oh, I thought you'd have put your shorts on"
I'm cutting up some salad, he says "oh, I thought you'd have used the other knife"
I bring the shopping home, he says "there's not much there. I thought you'd have gone to Tesco"
I take the dog out for a walk, he says "oh, I thought you'd have taken him to the woods"
He's there at my shoulder, what seems like all the time..
He talks, constantly, and when I do start to speak he cuts me off and always thinks he knows what I was going to say.
He explains to me, in great detail, what his next DIY job is and what he's planning on doing that day.
He talks about people he's met while out, everything about them - where they live, what car they drive, what job they do, what dog they have.
Whenever he's achieved something he brings it up, repeatedly, that day and for several days afterwards. To start with I tell him how great he's done and that he should be pleased with himself because he worked so hard on it or it was a brilliant idea or outcome.

He's got so many good qualities but he's ruling my life and I feel suffocated.

My DH stood over me whilst I was cooking the other day. He kept saying similar stuff, so I handed him the wooden spoon and told him to crack on. He backed down because he saw that I was upset. Have you told him how he makes you feel? Would he respect that? I couldn’t cope with being constantly criticised/spoken over.

@Cherrysoup do you thin this is criticism rather than controlling then? I don't feel that he respects me or my decisions.

Sound more like he just can't shut up rather than he's trying to control you.

How long have you been Tuva there and has he always been this talkative?

@AllAboutMargot I don’t know, but if my Dh did this, I’d tackle him on every comment ‘Thought you’d put your shorts on’ Why? What has it to do with you what I wear? I’d be asking why he constantly questions you. Why does he think you should walk the dog in the woods etc?

You sound suffocated. Have you got the ick?

Damn autocorrect 😁 how long have you been together

I also think it sounds like he can't shut up. He's a talker and just says stuff for the sake of speaking. It doesn't sound controlling, although there could be a bit of him thinking he knows better, e.g. he would have taken the dog to the wood, but rather than tell you, he 'suggests' it.

It doesn't really sound that controlling to me. It sounds like he has a big ego and is a know it all. Like he needs validation and attention.

It would irritate me to no end. Have you spoken to him about it? Told him to stop and leave you alone? That you are your own person with your own opinions and you couldn't care less what he thinks about the knife you use or where you walk the dog. If he wants to do things a certain way he can do them himself. And that you will wear what you want just like he does?

My dh started doing this when he retired.
I pointed out that I’d managed to adult perfectly well for the 35 years he’d worked, often away, leaving me with 2 dc and a job as well.
He still talks a lot and still tries to mansplain occasionally.
He gets told though, every time!
He complains I don’t put anything in the dishwasher and I’ve told him that as long as he rearranges it I will never load the dishwasher.
This morning he was telling me that I needed to look something up for him and I said I didn’t know he’d been appointed as manager in the house now.
Tbf he laughed.

He's there at my shoulder, what seems like all the time

That's like having a boss, except you're not even getting paid for it. Ugh, stressful and annoying.

Some examples, and these aren't one-offs, it's nearly every time I do these things.
I open a cupboard door, he says "what are you after?"
I get dressed, he says "Oh, I thought you'd have put your shorts on"
I'm cutting up some salad, he says "oh, I thought you'd have used the other knife"
I bring the shopping home, he says "there's not much there. I thought you'd have gone to Tesco"
I take the dog out for a walk, he says "oh, I thought you'd have taken him to the woods"
He's there at my shoulder, what seems like all the time

I recognise some of these behaviours.

Some people are covertly controling and it's often tied to anxiety. They can be pretty intense. If they ask about where you've been, they'll want to know the exact route, the exact spot you were. It needs to be nipped in the bud because supplying them with the information they need often just makes the situation worse over time.

I open a cupboard door, he says "what are you after?

Your response to this should be 'Why are you asking?' or just don't tell him. He doesn't have the right to know every single little thing you do.

I get dressed, he says "Oh, I thought you'd have put your shorts on

Yep. I recognise this one as well. He doesn't want to outright tell you what to wear (because he knows how that would sound), but people like this will use other, more subtle way of getting what they want. It could be a look, a sigh, or an absolute classic 'Oh.....you're wearing that'.....followed by deflated body language and silence. It's meant to communicate to you that you have disappointed them and they're hoping you'll get the message by yourself and do as you are (subtly) told. Same goes with the knife comment.

The rest of it sounds like criticism rather than control. I'd say everyone engages in this sort of thing every now and again, but people who are controlling, anxious or manipulative will show these behaviours regularly.

FFs, you should be able to open the cupboard door without asking you what you are after. He is infantilising you and the way he does this shows that he thinks that the cupboard is his property that you need to have clearance to use.

@Whooshaagh I don't know how you put up with this.

This isn't controlling.
'I thought you were wearing shorts'
'No'
'Ok'

He's just talking. If it's annoying, ask him to stop.

@blubbebubba It depends on the context and tone. I have experienced this behaviour myself. Yes I can see how some people could view it as only talking. There is nothing remarkable about 'I thought you were wearing shorts'. However, some people are very indirect, they will use a certain tone to communicate 'I thought you were......as in I'm pretty disappointed that you're not doing that thing'.

As in -
'I thought we were going out for dinner?'
'I thought you we were staying in this weekend'
'I thought you didn't talk to that friend any more'
'I thought you were having the salad instead of the burger'

See what I'm getting at?

When someone says something like this to you, they expect a response. It would be odd if you just remained silence. What they want is usually an explanation of why you're not doing they expected. It means that if it's happening often, the OP could feel that she is having to explain herself quite a lot of the time for the most mundane of things. It's not healthy and it's manipulative.

I'd tell my manager to fuck off if I thought he was micro-managing me.
In fact, I did.
I'd tell my partner to fuck off if I thought he was doing it too.

Apparently that's a red flag though, if you ask MN.

I open a cupboard door, he says "what are you after?

If be tempted to ask him right back, because id want to know why he wanted to know what you were doing.

Other questions id just ask 'why do you want to know'

Agree with PP it sounds more like anxiety than control but goodness, it sounds annoying.

DM if you need an alibi.

My ex did this and it got progressively worse. If you can talk to him and get him to listen, this is fixable.

That would drive me crazy.

It's so draining. If I ignore these comments he says "did you hear what I said? Why are you ignoring me? Are you feeling alright?"

So answer him. ‘Yes I heard you and I’m not wearing those because I don’t want to.’
If hd tries again, he gets ‘I’ve just told you why not and that’s it.’ And walk away.

As in my example, you dust say 'no' and he most lingering will say 'ok then'. It's grinding, sure. Somebody asking if you're looking for the salt isn't abuse, it just isn't.

The only one that could be is the salad one you gave, only if there was a history of weight issues etc.

I think it's more grinding to be with a person who labels every benign behaviour as abuse.

The examples are just conversation attempts to me and I wouldn't view this as controlling but more like he is trying to understand you. Cutting you off repeatedly is rude though. I can see how that could put you off chatting to him.

OP, you still haven't answered if you've spoken to him about how it makes you feel, or if you've asked why he does this.

Also, how long have you been together and how long has he been doing this for?

He sounds like a giant pain in the arse. Sorry

My mum is similar but I have worked out she has very fixed rules in her head and if people do rather do the sane she gets anxiety. She has a set way ro unload the dishwasher etc. She doesn't know she does it but it's very stressful.

It is interfering and control, in my opinion. Why should you have to give an account of your actions and thoughts the whole time? ..and be found 'less' ... does he ever say 'oh well done, that's a good idea" ?